I've been delving once again into the sordid world of team trivia the past month or so. There's a game here in the Gate City every Tuesday at some joint on Battleground called Mumble With Difficulty Tavern. It's very exciting and completely pointless as always. We've been doing fairly well (2 firsts and 2 seconds). The interesting thing about this game is that it's geared to the college and just out-of-college crowd. Me and my teammates are 10 to 15 years older than anyone else playing. Our advanced ages proved to be a detriment last night as there was a round of 10 questions about Nickelodeon shows. I only knew one answer (about my girl Summer Sanders). The rest of the questions were about orange soda, the name of a pet pig, etc. We were all looking at each other wondering what to do as far as what to put down as our answers to these questions that we had no chance in hell of getting right. I told Phil's wife (who was manning the answer sheet) to just right down Michelle Obama's soiled panties as the answer for all 9 we didn't know. Alas, she didn't oblige me (to her immense credit she is an upstanding member of the community - me? I'm a parasite on the community). We ended up coming in 2nd anyway. The last question was about years various states were admitted to the Union. And that's just too easy.
The big trial involving Jerry Sandusky and Horseplay U is mercifully over. The only thing left to happen is for Sandusky to hang himself in his cell before sentencing. That should be any day now. Anyway, I read with some interest the testimony from some of the poor kids that Sandusky raped, or what Sandusky and his boys at Penn State would call "engaged in horseplay with." And the horseplay was bad. The most interesting nugget of info that came out of the trial is that Sandusky insisted these young boys call him The Tickle Monster. That's right, Sandusky didn't want these boys to call him The Anal Rapist Monster. That sounds bad. But The Tickle Monster? That sounds bad too. Creepy. Very creepy. I guess Sandusky's modus operandi was to start tickling his victims and after a few minutes get them laughing so hard from all the tickling that he'd go ahead and start in with the rhythmic ass-slapping. One act naturally leads to the other. At least in Joe Paterno's shower room at old Horsplay U. The Tickle Monster. The Fucking Tickle Monster. There was no rape. It was all harmless tickling that a dozen or more boys merely perceived to be rhythmic ass-slapping. The other very interesting thing about Sandusky is that there is a biography about him floating around called - Touched: The Jerry Sandusky Story. I haven't read this uplifting tale myself. Nor will I. But I do wonder if the author of this book has considered changing the title. Touched? I'd say so. But "touched" isn't exactly as precise as it should be. Instead of "touched," maybe the following would be more appropriate - Tickled To Tears and a Bloody Anus: The Amazing Story of Horseplay U's Most Lovable Pedophile. That really rolls off the old tongue. And is slightly more accurate. Slightly.
America's perfect couple, a pair that defines everything good about marital bliss, are calling it quits. Yes, Thomas Mopather IV and Katie Holmes are getting divorced. It's shocking and sad news for all of us. I'll admit that I wept ever so briefly when I heard the news. Very briefly. But weeping is weeping, right? I guess that Katie got tired of Tom's lack of affection in the marital bed. From what I have gleamed over the years, Tom isn't really into the female figure. Which is awesome. Whatever gets you off (short of tickling young boys in Joe Paterno's Shower room, of course). One of Tom's ex-wives, Mimi Rogers, claims that the 2 of them had sex all of two times during their wonderful marriage. Maybe Tom tried to please young Katie from time to time. But I doubt it. Katie is a good Ohio girl and I know those gals prefer to be pleased in the old boudoir on the odd occasion. And who can blame them? The other minor issue for Katie could be that Thomas Mopather IV is mixed up in Scientology. Nothing against Scientologists, except that they're insane. Other than that, they're all fabulous folks. I've read a little about Scientology over the years and it's laughably crazy. So maybe Katie doesn't want her daughter to get mixed up with Scientology. And I can't really blame her. As for Tom, I promised to quit mocking him after seeing The Tropic Of Thunder in August of 2008. He was awesome. So, I'm not mocking Tom for being an in the closet, megalomaniacal, cult loving, short man. That wouldn't be nice. And I'm very nice. Very, very nice.
On a related topic, I saw where Anderson Cooper announced he was gay. I don't know why any announcement was needed. It was very puzzling that Cooper felt the need to announce something everyone assumed for years. The only way I would have been surprised is if Cooper announced he was dating Katie Holmes and fathering her 2nd child. That would have been an announcement.
Follow Your Bliss
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