The Scientology Personality Test

In the last retarded post on this endlessly unreadable and retarded blog, I mentioned Thomas Mopather IV and Scientology. A day or 2 later I was standing around outside the place I occasionally show up to work chatting with my buddy Jay (a sometimes reader of this moronic blog). He told me that it might be worth looking into Scientology with a little more depth. Of course, I'm incapable of doing anything with any depth. But, the following is about Scientology. At least a little about Scientology. What I did is I surfed around the old world wide web of deceit a bit and stumbled across the Personality Test that Scientology gives to unsuspecting rubes to get them to start buying courses taught by Scientology scam artists. From what I can gather, the whole of Scientology is little more than a pyramid scheme where you keep buying course after course to improve your pitiful life. And since my life is undoubtedly pitiful, I am going to highlight some of the 200 questions on the Scientology Personality Test and give you my honest reactions to them just as if I was an almost willing rube seeking help from some supposed higher power or something or other. Don't worry, I'm sure as hell not gonna write about all 200 questions on the Personality Test. That would be over the top retarded, even for me. Oh, by the way, there are supposed "correct" answers to each of the 200 questions. Seriously.

1) Do you make thoughtless remarks or accusations which you later regret? Constantly, except I never remember them, much less regret them.

3) Do you browse through railway timetables, directories, or the dictionary for pleasure? Railway timetables??? What???

6) Do you get occasional twitches of your muscles, even when there is no logical reason for it? What a sick question. Which muscles are they referring to? Damn perverts.

9) Do you consider more money should be spent on social security? Is Obama involved in this racket? This is an odd question as well. Personally, I think no money should be spent on social security (which is the "wrong" answer by the way).

10) Do other people interest you very much? No.

18) Does an unexpected action cause your muscles to twitch? Here we go again with the damn twitching muscles. Weird. 

27) Do you often sing or whistle just for the fun of it? Never. That is beyond sick. What are these people driving at with these questions?

36) Are you sometimes considered by others a "spoilsport?" Yes. All the fucking time.

43) Does the idea of talking in front of other people make you nervous? This is ridiculous. Why would anyone ever talk unless it was in front of other people? Who wanders around talking to no one, except for the criminally insane? The answer is no. Why would talking make me nervous. It's just talking for Christ's sake.

46) Are you always "getting into trouble?" I am a noted troublemaker. A noted one.

47) Have you any particular hate or fear? Clowns.

51) Can you start the "ball rolling" at social gatherings? I'm huge into getting the ball rolling. Fucking huge. I crave getting the old ball rolling.

59) Do you consider the modern "prisons without bars" system to be doomed to failure? I wasn't aware that there ever were bars in prisons. It would certainly make prison more tolerable if you could knock a few back after a long day getting anally raped though. It really would. Damn anal rape.

66) Are you so self-assured that it sometimes annoys people? That would be a yes...

69) Does emotional music have quite an effect on you? Zevon.

72) Are you perturbed at the idea of loss of dignity? I have no dignity. Obviously. And no, I'm not particularly perturbed by it either.

75) Are openly appreciative of beautiful things? Annette Bening.

77) Do you greet people effusively? I did once. It didn't work out so well. I think I was too damn effusive.

88) If we were invading another country, would you feel sympathetic towards conscientious objectors in this country?  Unless we were invading Canada, yes.

92) Are you a slow eater? Huh? Are they referring to munching on the old taco hole?

97) Do you sleep well? Never.

104) Do you "wax enthusiastic" about only a few subjects? Another damn sex question. Why would it possibly matter how many different "subjects" someone thought about while beating off?

110) Is your facial expression varied rather than set? I'm very stoic.

113) Would it take a definite effort on your part to consider the subject of suicide? Duke winning another NCAA championship would do the trick. Short of that...

118) Do you smile much? Only at the expense of others. I'm a bad person.

126) Are your decisions swayed by personal interests? What else would they possibly be swayed by?

132) Do some noises "set you teeth on edge?" Just the sound of Pink Floyd. Those idiots set my teeth way over the edge.

135) Do the "petty foibles" of others make you impatient? It all depends how you define "petty foibles." If "petty foibles" include taking forever to pay by check at a grocery store, then yes. Damn old women paying with checks...

136) Do children irritate you? I don't have any children - that I know of anyway.

143) Do you usually criticize a film or show that you've seen or a book that you've read? As far as shows, yes - Wipeout comes to mind. Films, yes - anything with Mike Myers or Queen Latifah. Books, no - I've never read one.

149) Are you ever ill at ease in the company of children? I just told you I don't have any children, that I know of anyway.

155) Do people enjoy being in your company? Rarely.

170) Are you opposed to the probation system for criminals? I'm on probation in a number of states as I write this. I am opposed to the system. It's a real hassle to check in with all my various probation officers on a weekly basis. In fact, it pretty much takes up my entire afternoon on Mondays and Fridays. They are nice gals for the most part. Although they could lose a few pounds.

182) Do people criticize you to others? How would I possibly know this? Who walks up to someone and says, "I was talking to Butch and he was really criticizing your body odor. He says you stink to high hell." I mean besides me. I do shit like that all the time. Just earlier today I ran into someone and informed him that an acquaintance was running her mouth about how this person I ran into had too much dried cum on the back of his right hand most days.

188) Is the idea of death or even reminders of death abhorrent to you? I welcome death. I won't have to worry about if my socks match my pants anymore. I worry over that kind of stuff a lot.

191) Does life seem rather vague and unreal to you? Seeing as how I live in a delusional world of my own creation, yes. It not only seems vague and unreal, it is vague and unreal. I'm not sure what the boys running the Scientology scam would say to that...

192) Do you often feel upset over that state of war victims or political refugees? Not since Solzhenitsyn died. The rest of them are worthless crybabies.

200) Do you consider you have many warm friends? Do they mean folks who live near the equator? Or maybe folks from South Florida or Texas? I think this a trick question, like so many of the questions on this Personality Test. The damn Scientologists have succeeded! After going through the 200 questions I'm seriously considering signing up for some classes. Wait a second while I go out and smoke...

Okay, I'm all better now. That was close though. They had me in their clutches for a moment. And what did we learn today by looking into this Scientology Personality Test? I would posit a few things. 1) The test is moronic. 2) Scientologists are fixated on muscle twitching and teeth gnashing. 3) I'm mentally unstable. And 4) This was, like life itself, pointless.

Maybe someday I'll write about Xenu, a staple of Scientology lore. But it's so insultingly stupid & I am so bored of typing today, that Xenu will have to wait.