The Grocery List

I was at the old Wachovia (the one near Quaker Village, if anyone cares) depositing my crummy check from the place I occasionally show up to work, standing in line for what seemed like minutes on end. One of the tellers was having an enlightening conversation with a burly gentleman in a landscape company t-shirt. This conversation went on for quite a while. The bone of contention between the landscape guy and the teller was the fact that the landscape guy did not have an account with Wachovia, yet wanted to cash his massive check. This was a problem. Evidently Wachovia isn't keen on just cashing checks for dudes who don't actually bank with Wachovia. Eventually this guy took off with a huge wad of cash in his pocket. Then the teller doing the bidding for Wachovia called me up next to facilitate my crappy transaction. She said, "Good afternoon. Welcome to Wachovia." I said, "Could you hold on a sec? I'm gonna run that guy down that you were just servicing and compliment him on that belt he's wearing." The teller responded, "Why would you do that, young man?" I said, "Because he's gotta have like 10 implements hanging off it & that is so cool that I gotta know where in Mexico he bought it." Alas, one poor woman, getting serviced to my right, chuckled...

After leaving that bank, I travelled the short distance to the Teeter across the way. As I was wandering aimlessly down the aisles trying to figure out what food to buy, this cockeyed old bag informed me that meat was on sale. I said, "What kind of meat, madam?" She said, "Well young man, they have a special on ground chuck at the moment." I told her, "Thanks all the same, but I only eat potted meat." She pushed her little buggy deal off in a huff.

I'm about to do something I've never done before on this ridiculously stupid blog. I'm gonna list what I bought at the old Teeter and what it cost. I figure doing so will provide invaluable insight into the mystery that is That Brother From Hawaii. Or, if not valuable insight, at least something approximating it. Here you go ---

MM Pulp Free OJ $2.89 - I like orange juice with the old vodka on occasion.

Fancy Feast Tuna 65 cents - No, I don't have a cat. But there is one that shows up at the old door from time to time. And he's looking for some food. The 1st time I ever let him in, about 2 years ago, I didn't have any cat food just sitting around. So, I gave the cat some tuna. Don't worry, I don't actually eat tuna. It's gross. But, this cat liked the tuna and started popping up now & then as a result. So, I try and have something for him sitting around. By the way, I don't know this cat's name. But I call him Tuna. Obviously.

Fancy Feast Salmon 65 cents - See above. Oh, if you don't have a cat, let me warn you that cat food stinks to high hell. Nasty.

Black Plums $1.19 - I like plums. A lot. Plums are awesome.

Bone-In Strip Steak $5.16 - That old bag wasn't lying about the meat deals.

Bone-In Strip Steak $5.35 - See above.

Planter Peanuts $2.50 - Big sale on the Planters. And I'm down with Mr Peanut. Perhaps Mr Peanut is doing some landscape work this summer with that Mexican Implement Belt Man I saw at the bank. He's certainly got the hat for it.

Folger's Ad Bag $4.39 - What a ripoff. But coffee is key. Fucking key.

Snuggle's Sheets $2.99 - Another sweet deal. And I'm down with that Snuggle Bear. I used to have a little Snuggle Bear stuffed animal that I found in a parking lot. Old Quigley tore the damn thing to pieces. The Quigley Dog.

Blueberries 2 for $6.00 - I eat the damn things like crazy. I go through 2 containers of them a week.

Zucchini $1.99 - I grill them. Considering I have no conception how to use a pot or pan or the oven, I have to.

Yellow Squash $2.60 - See above.

Russet Pot $3.79 - I don't eat potatoes as a rule, but someone asked me to pick them up. So I did.

Match Light $10.99 - It's a big bag. Without Match Light I can't prepare food unless it involves microwaving. All I can do is grill. So I do.

The total for all this grocery silliness was $56.15 after the State of NC got their cut. It has always baffled me that the state taxes food. It's evil. Yes, both the state and the taxes...

Well, this has been fun. Hasn't it??? Stay tuned because next time (hopefully tomorrow) I'm gonna delve into the creepy world of comic book heroes or villains or something. I think you'll like it.