Jesse James Owes Dennis Rodman An Apology

I've been terribly derelict here recently in commenting on the "news" of the day. The truth is, I don't follow the news super closely, on a day-to-day basis. I've always found the instant overreaction by the media to whatever is happening on a given day, to be fatuous -at best. But I do pick up bits and pieces of this and that, mainly through hearsay, hearsay and the ESPN bottom line (the single dumbest thing they've ever unleashed on the American public, that and keeping Dick Vitale around for 30 years). Most days I keep myself rapturously uninformed, or at least under-informed on what's happening (and rapturously is the right word, as I don't wanna know most of what I do know, if that makes sense, much less stuff which I blissfully don't know). Still, some things sneak through into my head, as desperately as I'd like them not to, and knowing those things, I do have reactions to them. Anyway, those reactions are some of what you've read on this blog the past 16 months. Blah, blah, blah...

I did see where The Tiger came out of hiding and gave 2 interviews a week or so back. And by interviews, I mean non-interviews, as The Tiger was not pressed for an answer to a single difficult question by these reporters. I don't totally fault the reporters, as they had been granted all of 5 minutes with His Holiness. And The Tiger stonewalled, sounded as robotic as ever, gave non-answers, etc...(someone is making a killing coaching him to sound like his golfing buddy, Barack Hussien Obama). I would have asked The Tiger if he has any advice for Jesse James (and giggled as he squirmed). And I also would have inquired if he missed the wild, Ambien-fueled, sex romps with porn stars and other assorted skanks. That's about it. Oh, and if he realizes the inevitably endless needling from his son's schoolmates that will come down the road (from schoolmates not unlike myself no doubt, sorry as I am to admit that).

One more golf note - it should be pointed out that since an anonymous commenter on this blog disparaged Ernie Els lack of recent success a month or so back, the guy has won the last 2 tournaments he's entered (big events too, Doral and Arnold Palmer's tourney). I think the right phrase for this is poetic justice. Or irony. Something though. Definitely something.

As for Jesse James, some of you might recall my ripping him last spring during the tediously unwatchable Celebrity Apprentice. There was something about the guy that struck me as creepy, at the very least, and a complete piece of shit, in the extreme. Well, the recent revelations about his dubiously executed, and yes, creepy affairs with big-busted, tattooed skanks, shows that once again, I have some insight into these types of things. I guessed right again. There is just something in the way he tries to look so bored of whatever is happening, in the way he goes to great lengths to appear unkempt when he's a multi-millionaire, in the hollow look of his beady eyes, that seemed shady to me. And phony. I don't know for sure. But poor Sandy Bullock, how she ever got charmed by that despicable liar is beyond me. Sandy probably has daddy issues. They almost all do...

Also, Jesse James should apologize to Dennis Rodman for being a complete hypocrite. But I bet he won't. Guys like that never do.

I also saw where some nuts in Michigan were rounded up and charged with "seditious conspiracy," as apparently they were planning some half-baked scheme to kill some law enforcement folks. And as far as these nuts go, if it's true that they were conspiring to kill law enforcement personnel, then go ahead and lock them up, give them a trial, etc...What I find interesting about the charges is the term "seditious" being used by the federal prosecutors in this case. The reason I find it interesting is because, you could argue, that sedition (defined as promoting insurrection against the established order) is exactly one of the tools used to break free from British tyranny back in the day. I'm not sure how many nutty groups like this one in Michigan are around the country. But as I've said before on this blog, it can't rally surprise anyone. Many people are pissed. Misguided, generally stupid, under-educated, and wacky - all true. But the pissed part, I can understand to a certain degree. Just remember what my man Tommy Jefferson said: "Every generation needs a new revolution." And: "Experience has shown, that even under the best forms of government, those entrusted with power, have in time, ...perverted into tyranny." He might be right. It wouldn't be the 1st time.

I'm sure something has been going on with Joe Biden as well. I just don't care.

I saw a warewolf drinking a pina coloda at Trader Vic's

His hair was perfect

Lies, Half Truths, & Gross Generalizations About Scorpions

Bob Dylan was being played on the "classic" rock station here earlier (Rainy Day Women, if anyone cares). And almost every time I hear Dylan on the radio, I am reminded of a brief exchange with an old roommate of mine, a guy named Weisner (someday I could write a super long post about living with that guy for 7 or 8 months). Weisner and I were watching David Letterman's 10th anniversary special one evening in early 1992. Dylan was the featured musical guest. Anyway, he played Like A Rolling Stone, if I recall correctly (and I usually do). Well, it was pretty inspired. I'm not a great fan of the guy, but the performance that night was almost moving, in a way (if I can be moved, it is generally by music, or a movie, or an animal). After Dylan finished, and Letterman went to commercial, Weisner said, "That sucked. I couldn't understand any of the words." I was sitting about 5 feet away or so from Weisner, in our awesomely terrible furnished apartment, and I had teared up a bit from the whole thing. And I said to Weisner this, and I'll always remember this - "Did you ever consider that not being able to understand the words was the point?"

I was looking at something by Martin Amis recently and it was pretty interesting (although just about everything the guy says is pretty interesting). Amis was talking about Astrology, and noted that the thing about astrology is that it is 100% false, except for the stuff about Scorpions (my chosen term there), is 100% true. Now, Amis is not a Scorpion, I don't believe (I believe he was born in August 1949, if memory serves). But as some of you are aware, I am indeed a Scorpion (late October birthday). Now, I've never given any credence at all to Astrology myself. It seems beyond silly, beyond pointless, something so stupid that I don't have the vocabulary to come up with a word for it. Well, as many of you can imagine, I have, from time to time, gotten into conversations with girls/women in bars about being a Scorpion. When I've reluctantly told them the true date of my birthday (something I don't suggest to any male Scorpions reading this blog {and I know Brandon is, because the kid was born on October 27th}), I tend to be immediately barraged with accusations, of a sort, as Scorpions get a bad wrap in Astrology. For the uninitiated, here are the accusations I've heard about myself, based on nothing but some desperate girl finding out the date of my birth - 1) Jealous - Nope, there's not a jealous bone in my body. 2) Obsessive - about what? Aren't we all obsessive about certain things? This seems to concern the human condition in general, as opposed to being particular to Scorpions. But, yes, I have obsessed in the past, about 4 girls in particular - but again, who hasn't? 3) Suspicious - On that one, I might be guilty, as I'm suspicious of everything everyone has ever said to me. It seems the prudent way to go through life - as Reagan said, "Trust, but verify." 4) Manipulative - I'll let those of you know me pretty well judge my skills of manipulation. On one hand, it seems like utter nonsense, as I rarely care enough about something to manipulate someone into doing something they don't want to. On the other hand, I do have a track record of occasionally, when the situation warrants, being able to talk anyone into almost anything. I can talk. 5) Unyielding - Guilty, at times. Guilty. But, I'm not sure how this is necessarily a bad trait. I should note that on the positive side, Scorpions are supposedly very loyal. And as many of you know, I am the most loyal friend you'll ever have. There is almost nothing I wouldn't do for a friend in any kind of situation/trouble. Overall, it looks like Scorpions get a pretty bad wrap as sketchy, hotheaded, dubiously intentioned, assholes. And I hope that doesn't describe me at all. I'm pretty sure it's way off.

I mentioned in my last post about the 40 something skanks driving me a little batty here lately (I am not remotely interested in any relationship right now, not at all, maybe, no probably, ever again...). Anyway, one of these big busted, blonde broads said this to me the other night, "What I like about you is that you can carry on an intelligent conversation." The only problems with her assertion are a) I've never attempted to carry on a "conversation" with her for one second, I'm guessing I'm simply the first guy to fight off her advances using polysyllabic words, and b) I've never uttered anything remotely "intelligent" during the 4 or 5 times I've run into her. In fact, I try very hard to sound as clueless, stupid, and misinformed as possible when being approached by these lonely, desperate women. Just the other night for example, I told some not too awful looking brunette that I thought Glenn Beck would make an excellent dictator. And this woman AGREED with me. Jesus! What the fuck???

The Grimsley Girl is very much in my thoughts, pretty much constantly. And she does bear a favorable resemblance to Warren Beatty's wife, so...

Now, I'm hiding in Honduras

I'm a desperate man

Send lawyers, guns, and money

The shit has hit the fan

More Pointless Angst

Most days are spent tediously waiting for something to happen. There are the things we all have to do, work, eat, sleep. And those generally aren't that thrilling, save for maybe the occasionally awesome Big Mac, seeing a co-worker cry, or some dream involving Heidi Klum. I digress...The rest of our time, our supposed leisure hours, most folks spend doing things they don't really like with people they can't really stand (generally a spouse, parents, siblings, even their own kids). Sitting around a TV viewing Lost, or something like Lost, that kind of time passer. Or even worse, reading a book. Or worse yet, talking about their day (It was okay - Fran did this, that, blah, blah, blah...). Of course many of you know I utterly reject all that silly conventionality. It's boring. I'm digressing something terrible (although, as Holden Caulfield notes, often digression is the most interesting part of a story). I was gonna say something about folks wasting their lives waiting for something interesting to happen, which now that I think about it, I have been writing about in a slightly tangential way. Whatever...What I was gonna say is that the world would be a much more interesting, and dare I say electric (and that stikes me as the right word - electric), thing to experience if folks didn't live the way I'm describing. The only problem is that if everyone goes out and lives the way I'm even slightly suggesting (everyone single, rampant binging on all types of vices, etc...) then society would probably, no definitely, be way worse for it. We can only tolerate so many folks who shove convention aside, and actually live every day like it might be their last. I guess I'm droning on mindlessly about nothing significant, again...Chasing windmills...

My problem has always been that I have this almost primordial (some kind of soupy thing anyway) urge to kick down doors that are already unlocked, or even slightly ajar. It's really not a good trait. It's problematic, to say the least.

Looks like I'm back to more pointless adolescent angst...

As far as I can tell, girls should not wear those tight, Lycra type, workout pants, if they've never used them to actually, you know, workout. It leaves too little to the imagination. In fact, it's kind of off putting to get a clear outline of a girl's vulva at 4 o'clock in the afternoon at Generic Bread. In any case, ...

Also, I don't know what it is lately about these 40-something skanks in Greensboro. But, I really wish they'd leave me alone, for just one night even. I'm being as rude and sarcastic as I can with them, believe me. I really am. It gets tiresome. Even for me.

I'm out

The Pig Faced Duke Fan Who Loves Glenn Beck

Not much time here today at all, but I did wanna alert everyone that we've got the big hoops tournament continuing tonight. And I've been super lax in getting any previews up the past couple weeks. As we look at tonight's lines, a couple things intrigue me. The totals in the late games, they should both go under. As far as the sides, I don't see much value with the dogs tonight (with maybe the exception of Cornell). I'd go ahead and take 'Cuse, and K State. As far as the WVA/U DUB game, if the fouls come like I think they should, the over should hit.

I ran into this Duke fan last night (she was wearing a Duke visor - maybe reminiscent of Steve Superior when he coached the Devils). This woman had a pig face. And a poor knowledge of hoops. Anyway, I got tired of even glancing in her direction very fast. But she kept talking about how much she admired Coach K - "I really think he's such a sterling role model." "I just have this profound admiration for his class and the class his players exude." That kind of thing (although the word exude may not have ever left her lips). And I was super nice. I didn't say anything to make her cry or storm out of the bar in a fit. Anyway, she proceeded to get hammered with a friend (I won't even get into how the friend annoyed me...) over the next couple hours. At some point I said something to Dave, the bartender, with some political undertone to it. And this pig faced, visor wearing Duke fan said, as she high-fived me, "Are you a conservative?" And I said, "Not exactly, but that kinda depends how you define conservative." And then, I'll be damned, this woman asks, "Do you watch Glenn Beck?" And I replied, "Not really, no. He's a buffoon." She said, "How can you claim to be conservative and not like Glenn Beck?" I said, "I never claimed to be conservative, you pig face, and if you wanna love Glenn Beck, go right ahead. Why do I have to agree with you? I mean, you admire Coach K, a phony if there ever was one. And this Glenn Beck guy, he's a performer, not a conservative. Jesus. Damn Duke fans." She didn't like any of that at all, especially the pig face comment. She was pretty sore at me. Dave seemed to soothe things over with her though - Dave's crazy for Glenn Beck. He hates Duke, but he's a big Glenn Beck fan. This whole Glenn Beck mania, it's almost as bad as the Barry mania was before everyone started to get sick of the guy - almost.

Going to finally see Crazy Heart here in a bit - gotta run.

Giving Marital Advice To A Jacoby

I noticed that after a year or more of trying, Barry and his minions finally got this socialized health care deal passed, even though a vast majority of folks don't want it. In fact, it seems, if you believe polling (a dicey proposition, I admit), that the more people found out about the thing, and the more they heard Barry push it down their throats, the less popular it became. And I've written enough over the past year about why I'm totally opposed to this silly catastrophe. But, as I've also said before, elections do have consequences. And the fact that Barry and his boys in the Democrat Party won the past 2 election cycles in such huge numbers means we are getting exactly what we deserve. I know there is buyer's remorse at this point and Barry is wildly unpopular. None of that means anything. Some of you will recall that in a post early last year I had a feeling that at some point Barry might turn all Emporer Palpatine on us, and I was prescient, yet again. I don't want to be too harsh on the guy, as I'm guessing he might actually believe that this mess that is going to be unleashed on the country is a good thing. But that doesn't change the fact that the guy is acting as a tyrant, just like George III, Abraham Lincoln, FDR, or even Louis the 16th. Alas America, when you vote for a tyrant, you get a tyrant...The whole thing depresses me. And as for the anemic and pitiful Republican Party, I'm glad Ronald Wilson Reagan is not around to witness your helpless ineptitude. The GOP should be ashamed of themselves. Ashamed.

I've noticed some comments on this blog that were left recently on some older posts. And as always, comment away. Totally cool with me. Even a Duke fan has been leaving comments. And it proves that there might be hope yet for Duke fans, as at least one of them does have a sense of humor (proven by being a regular reader of this blog). If this Duke fan commenter could just convince other Duke fans to quit being so damn holier than thou and to lighten up a little, the world would be a slightly better place. Also someone left a comment wondering where Amy Teske might have ended up (and the commenter is correct, I'm certain she is still very bright...). And I can't say for certain, but last I heard, she was married, living near St Louis, and working as some type of engineer. I'm sure she's fine. And I'm guessing her husband is a great guy -but slightly passive and submissive - just a hunch. Believe me, I know the girl pretty well; even though I haven't laid eyes on her in 20 years. I'm guessing I still know her better than anyone else alive. Okay, I'm getting slightly depressed again. That's 2 paragraphs in a row...

I was out at Wreck Room Patio one night last week with Andy, Ross, Beck, etc. - and some of my favorite people showed up - The Jacobys. And I always enjoy talking to any of the Jacobys. Anyway, there was an engaged girl Jacoby out, she is getting married later this year I think. I was slightly in the bag (shocking!) and asked her if the couple was having premarital relations. And the girl (I believe her name was Jen) informed that they were waiting til marriage before having sex. And this might have been a mistake on my part, but I got into a long conversation with the girl trying to convince her what a horrible mistake that was - a noble thought, but awful in reality. The basic gist of my argument was that if things aren't really clicking physically with your spouse, then the marriage will be a tense mess all the time, neither person will be happy, and the whole thing will end badly. Jen Jacoby didn't seem to agree with me. And I respect her opinion. And I hope this nice couple do not have problems connecting physically once married. I really do. But I stand by what I told her. Of course, at one point, Ross or Andy or somebody (I was pretty tanked as I mentioned) asked what right I had to give any advice about marriage at all. And that is a good point. I probably don't. Except I've seen marriages go really bad and I wouldn't want that for any Jacoby.

Also, the Lonely Russian Jacoby was out as well. And I don't remember anything I said to him (perhaps Mark or Luke could refresh me on that). But my foggy, inhibited by drinking for hours on end (did I mention I was hammered?), poor recollection is that he's as lonely as ever. The poor kid. It was good to see him though. I will say that the kid needs to shave. I mean it's one thing for me to walk around with a week's worth of stubble, but on the Lonely Russian Jacoby, it just makes him look homeless and scary to American babes.

Ross and I crashed in Geilfuss's basement last Thursday night. And when we woke up about 10 the next morning, we noticed a wet spot on the tile near the basement door. Well, after Ross took off (Andy had come by to scoop him and take him back out to Cecil Fielder County), Geilfuss asked me the possible origin of the mysterious wet spot on the tile. And I didn't have much of an idea. But I did say this, "Geilfuss, if you'll let me speculate for a moment, it could be vaginal juice from some skank you've had over here recently and the 2 of you couldn't wait to get to one of the couches before going at it." Geilfuss said "Could be, you make a point."

I was walking around the Food Slug earlier today (buying 40's and potted meat, obviously). This big gal asks me, "Do you ever hang out at that wing joint on Battleground?" I answered, "From time to time, yes." She said, "Me and my husband met you in there one night and you were screaming about how awful a Led Zeppelin song was that was playing on the sound system." I replied, "Seems about right."

Santayana, goodbye

Sir Bob Walks Into A Duckpin Bowling Alley

I had the great pleasure Sunday evening to be introduced to the wild world of Duckpin bowling. I had kind of heard of it before, but had never experienced the awesome sport. And by sport I mean non-sport, as no athletic prowess is involved whatsoever. For the uninitiated, Duckpin bowling is similar to regular bowling, as there is a lane, 10 pins, and the score is kept the same. But the pins are tinier and you get to throw 3 smaller balls instead of 2 bigger balls in a frame. Watching folks attempt to play this game is ridiculous, as every toss was of the ball was a complete crap shoot - all luck as far as I could discern. Andy and Tyson were there and kind enough to invite me to observe and drink (the place was BYOB - the only positive about the whole Duckpin experience). Now, Andy has athletic talent and the kid was terrible at the thing, gutter balls all over the place. As far as Tyson, the first bit I observed he was pretty inconsistent with his scores, but later, Tys was striking it pretty regularly when he got to a state of inebriation such that he had a hard time walking straight up to the line to heave his little balls at the little pins (by the way, evidently Tys was de-pantsed a few weeks before while tossing his small balls - I'm glad I wasn't there to witness it). I didn't try this "sport" myself. Instead I sat there, drinking Coors Light, mocking several of the female "bowlers," while trying to figure out which of the enormous, not too attractive chicks in the joint were sporting thongs. There was a guy at the lanes, a guy who is the best Duckpin bowler in the league, a guy in a McGahee jersey, a guy named Sir Bob (I never did quite get why he goes by Sir Bob, as I highly doubt he's been knighted by that fake old monarch over in England). And meeting Sir Bob was one of the great thrills of my life. 1st, he got way too into it when he "bowled," as he dropped to one knee on each throw of his tiny ball, and watched his tiny ball roll down the lane with an intensity on his face that could only be matched by that of a retarded kid ejaculating. When Sir Bob would make a strike he did this crotch grab type celebratory move where he crossed his wrists and shouted something that sounded like one of the sounds those Charismatic religious types make when they're overcome with the spirit and speak in tongues. And all that was entertaining to me - I loved it. But the best thing about Sir Bob had nothing to do with his Duckpin bowling prowess. The best thing about Sir Bob was that he was a paranoid, professional wrestling loving, freak. I talked with him for quite a while - obviously. We got in a conversation about Piper's Pit at one point and then Sir Bob went into a 3 minute diatribe about some wrestling faction where the action was supposedly not fake (NWA maybe??? - is that a thing???). I was really getting into it. Andy kept looking over to me and shaking his head, as he's seen me do this type of thing many times before. The type of thing where I mock someone for a long time and they never catch on - it's mean I know, but I gotta entertain myself somehow. Right? Anyway, at one point this show called Undercover Boss was on the TV near where we were sitting. And this is when Sir Bob did something I've NEVER seen in my life (and I've seen too much, way too much, believe me). He got super pissed at a reality show on a TV in a Duckpin bowling alley. Sir Bob got so angry at corporate honchos who screw the regular employees that he was going apoplectic - he was ranting, stomping around, cursing like a drunk Ross, and kept mentioning his utter hatred for the department store Macy's (turns out he works at one in Harford Mall in Bel Air). Sir Bob kept saying, "Those fuckers, those fucking fuckers, they don't give a shit for the working man." Well, I kept asking for more details about the origins of Sir Bob's irrational disdain for the management at Macy's. And to be honest, nothing Sir Bob said made any sense, at least to me. At one point, he finally calmed down for a moment and asked if I knew where he was coming from with his anti-management tirade. And I said to Sir Bob, in a moment of total condor and deep introspection, "Not exactly, no. But I did stay at a Holiday Inn Express last night."

I was standing around out at Patrick Bateman's last Thursday night. And I'll be damned but a trivia game broke out in the joint. Andy, Ross, Geilfuss, and I were playing on Nana's team. And thank god that the annoying old guy with the silver mustache was nowhere to be seen. At one point a question comes up about a Defensive Lineman born in 1973 who shares a name with an American patriot. And then a miracle happened. A fucking miracle. Geilfuss walks over to me and says, "Sam Adams?" Geilfuss was dead on there. And I wanted to give the kid credit for once, as I've mocked him endlessly on this blog for his awful suggestions to trivia questions over the years. So there you go Geilfuss - well done. We ended up winning the game, beating our arch-rivals, Getting The Crabs. They asked a tennis question at one point, and that's too easy. It was nice to see Nana, Mike, Linda, and the good Tom out. And it felt even better to help them win the game. I give most of the credit to Andy, he knows how to run a team better than anyone else (as I've said before on this blog, the kid is like Johnny Bench). As for me, I just stood there and came up with answers from time to time. I know a few things. My brain does work like an encyclopedia after all. How, I have no idea. It's baffling.

Also, and this is key, Mary was out for part of the trivia game. And it's always good to see Mary. She's a good kid.

Oh, it was also nice to see Keith, Gary, and the other guys on Getting The Crabs at trivia- they're not nearly as awful as I make them out to be on this blog. Just don't tell them I said that - it would ruin my reputation as the biggest asshole in the history of the pointless trivia circuit. But really, they're pretty good guys. Our sworn enemies, but nonetheless...

I was sitting at Get Bent Lounge Saturday night, and you guessed it, J showed up. He started in with the bracket talk of course, looking for betting tips as always. This was just before 8 and I said, "J, I'm gonna give you a free tip, when in doubt, take the Mormons." And I was happy about that, as K State buried the Mormons in the end. Brandon liked K State and that insane Cuban coach they have, so we were on the right side there. The thing is, I doubt J bet any more than a shot with George on the game. Pitiful...

Earlier Saturday, I was out catching the hoops on Wreck Room Patio. And this old timer comes in with a buddy and he starts swearing worse than the old guy at Charred Pork Bucket, the guy who plays with Dave every Monday night, the old guy who says "Who gives a fuck?" every 10 seconds, my man Dick. Well I never caught this old timer's name, but he kept using the phrase Shit House over and over. Then he went on a rant about the disrespect he gets from his grandson and he used this phrase about 25 times in this 5 minute rant about his grandson - Shit Bird. I was thoroughly enjoying listening to this old timer. Then he started in on what an upset it was for St Mary's to have beaten Nova. And I was good, I held my tongue. But then he went on some thoughtless and misinformed diatribe about Kansas being unbeatable. And I said to the guy, "Don't be too shocked if Northern Iowa gives the Jayhawks a good game." And that set the old timer off. "What the fuck do you know, Iowa? Fucking Iowa? Fuck..." I said, "It's actually the Panthers of Northern Iowa, from the Missouri Valley." The old timer kept it up, "Fuck that. Do you believe this fucking kid?" Fuck..." I only wish that the old timer had been around when the Panthers took down KU. I would have enjoyed that immensely. I really would have. After the old timer took off, I asked his running buddy if this kind of cursing was normal for the old timer. He said, "Well, he's harmless. But, he is angry a lot of the time." I told the old timer's running buddy this - "Could you do me a favor and have him stop in the Charred Pork Bucket some night? And when he does, could you tell him to use the phrase Shit Bird a few times around Dick?" This guy asks "Why?" I replied "Well, it would be awesome. Because after about 5 minutes of using the term Shit Bird, Dick would tell your running buddy, 'Shut the fuck up. Who gives a fuck?,' that's why."

I've got more tales from the town Elaine Benes is from. I haven't even gotten to Andy's birthday Friday, St Patrick's Day, Ross drinking for 13 hours Thursday, The Jacoby who I gave marital advice to, Tyson getting kicked out of Low Bottoms for being dead drunk and walking around like a T Rex, or the mysterious wet spot on the tile in Geilfuss' basement.

Even better than the real thing

On Fire!

Note - the above picture is for my main man Curtis - the only real Baylor fan I've ever met in my life.

I got a text from Tyson earlier today, and he was interested in getting a little gambling advice. So, I can do that. I've been known to make a bet from time to time. Anyway, I sent him this back - take St Mary's, Washington, Murray State, and Baylor. And that was good advice, because they all covered like champions.

I got a ton of stories from the past few days, and I'm gonna get to them here soon.

More hoops coming here in a few minutes.I'm out - TBFH

OT Is Bad...

On fire here today, as WVA, Xavier, and Missouri came through like champions. As far as last night, totally unlucky on that damn OT between Texas and Wake, but my analysis was dead on. And OT will kill dead on analysis time and time again in college hoops...

It is Andy's 25th birthday (a big reason I came up here this weekend) today. We're gonna have a time here in a bit. But, I did wanna put a pic up I know the kid would appreciate. And I've heard him mention the babe above from time to time. So,...

Lastly, Ross and I crashed in Geilfuss' basement last night, and that was fine, But, this morning at about 10 all these older gals started showing up to hang with Geilfuss' mom (a very nice lady by the way) for some type of get together. Well, at one point I was out on the driveway smoking when one of these older gals showed up, and she asked me this, "Is this #9?" And I said, as you all can guess, "John Lennon is still dead." Alas, she didn't laugh...

Peace - and Go Terps!!! And also my beloved Buckeyes - The Fucking Ohio Fucking State Fucking University - Damn Fucking Right.

I'm out - TBFH

Get Back Motherfucker

Virtually Live From The Infamous Get Bent Lounge

I am back in the town that Elaine Benes is from for a short visit. Anyway, thanks to ODU and BYU (it took 2 OT''s), they came through like champions earlier. And take the Under in the Texas/Wake game tonight - it's about 12 points too high. The above picture was taken at the infamous Get Bent Lounge just about 10 minutes ago. It is the 1st time that Andy, Ross, Geilfuss and I have been out together in quite a long stretch. And we are gonna drink!

I'm out - peace

You, you were talkin' about the end of the world

A Trash Can Grows In Durham

I was walking down Main St in Durham Friday afternoon about 4:15 (I was meeting a few folks for a couple drinks at a joint called The Federalist {I'm assuming old Jimmy Madison or Alex Hamilton is a part owner}). Well, I had some trash that I wanted to get rid of (an old cigarette pack) and I was looking for a garbage can to toss the thing in. I walked 2 blocks along where BrightLeaf Square is and there wasn't a garbage can anywhere (for those of you who've never had the great pleasure of visiting Durham, the area I'm describing is a heavily walked stretch). And then I remembered - this is downtown Durham, the whole area is one big garbage can.

I hadn't been in Durham for about 4 years, and I can report that it's the same as ever. The same freaks, the same stench, and the same pretentious Duke grad students. While killing about 45 minutes at the Federalist (waiting for the folks I was meeting to show up), I had the great misfortune to overhear several conversations around the bar. And I was pretty good, I didn't say anything too rude to any of the phonies sitting around discussing obscure German philosophers. But then I stepped outside to smoke and there were 2 dudes out there talking about petty theft in the Duke Library or something. At one point one of these guys misused the term Social Darwinism (I won't bore anyone with the exact context this guy was throwing around the term Social Darwinism, it hurts my head to remember it myself). So, I casually said to 2 these guys, just as I was putting out my smoke, heading back into the Federalist, "Wouldn't a more accurate term for what y'all (I'll throw in the occasional y'all from time to time -it rolls right off my tongue at this point) are talking about be Anti-Social Darwinism?" Neither one of them laughed.

I ran into a guy over in Durham that I hadn't seen in quite a long stretch. He said, "What the hell happened to you? Where you been?" I said "State Pen."

I have been able to peek in on a few of the ACC Tourney games here the last few days. And the quality of hoops has been pretty shitty, but whatever. What's fascinating is that the ACC has been reduced to drawing less folks to their tournament than the MAC - that's right, the MAC. If you watched last night's OU/Akron game (and I did, obviously), the Sicken Loans Arena (or something close to that) was packed and rocking. The Coliseum here in the Gate City - dead. It's obvious that when Carolina stinks, interest in the ACC plummets. The big title game is coming up here in a few hours, and I don't think anyone in town here cares, except the fake Duke fans. They'll be going ape shit.

Speaking of fake Duke fans, I was in Scam's Lakeside last night (and boy did the place clear out fast after the Pimp Coat loss - ACC fans in NC are provincial) and the bartender, a homely girl named Jen, was wearing a Duke T-shirt. And I was nice for awhile, but eventually I asked her what her major was at Duke. And she had a sense of humor, she said "Honey, I was lucky to graduate high school." So, seeing as the place wasn't super busy, we had a brief discussion about why in the world she's chosen to pull for Duke. And her reasoning was nonsense, but whatever. I did tell her the truth at one point though (as I said, she had a sense of humor and didn't seem stupid). I told her that actual Duke graduates look down on the folks who pull for Duke and didn't go to Duke. And that's the truth. I've met and spoken to dozens of Dukies over the years. And those folks tend to hold regular non-alumni Duke fans with utter contempt. The bartender didn't seem to mind that so much. Her irrational hatred of Carolina was too deeply ingrained in her subconscious. The whole thing is pretty sad. It really is.

Well, it looks like the Faceshit is getting totally out of hand. Geilfuss sent me a text wondering why I keep inviting him to join some group. And I texted back and told him that I'd never sent an invitation to anyone on Faceshit inviting them to join any group. I figure it's some sleazy marketing angle they employ - send an invitation to join this or that group to a person saying that a buddy desperately wants them to join it. Geilfuss was saying he's on the verge of deleting his whole account. And I wholeheartedly agree with that sentiment.

Oh, speaking of Faceshit, a few weeks ago I noted that I'd accepted a "friend" invite from someone I don't remember. And the mystery has been solved. The girl I was talking about used to work with me in Durham of all places. She sent me a note on the Faceshit yesterday and it was very nice. So, I do remember Danielle. I'm gonna send her a link to this blog as a matter of fact. She had a pretty good sense of humor if I recall correctly.

I've been getting into a few music discussions at the wing joint on Battleground the past week or 2. One night I was sitting next to this chubby broad who went to Va Tech (a real live Gobbler!). And she started to annoy me from the get-go, as we were playing The Knowledge and she didn't know anything. I kept telling her the answers and she'd say, "I don't think so." Of course, I was right every time. And that always irritates me -if I'm nice enough to give you the right answers, at least you could just shut up and not argue with me. After awhile a Kansas song came on the sound system in there (I think they were piping in 98.7 Simon). And of course I said, "God this sucks. Why would they play this crap?" And this chubby Gobbler woman went on and on about how good this Kansas song is (if anyone cares, it was Carry On Wayward Son). I told her she was a moron. And she didn't like that. And I wasn't too surprised. That's the problem with morons -they hate it when someone points out to them that they're morons. Another patron of the same wing joint (the one on Battleground) is this guy originally from Hilliard (it's just outside Columbus for the uninformed), or as I, and others, referred to it, Hickiard. Anyway, this guy found out that I am an only slightly embarrassed alumnus of TOSU and he didn't go to school there (they rarely do), but he's a typical poorly informed, irrational fan of TOSU. One night he started in with the O-H chant. And he was expecting me to say I-O. But, as Andy, Beck, Ross, Vaeth, and Geilfuss can all attest to, I don't do that. He was a little miffed at me. Well, he was chatting up this chubby blonde nurse the other night (a nice enough gal). This Hilliard guy is separated and has a couple of teenage kids (I'm guessing he's about 5 years older than me) and you can tell he's lonely for some companionship. Anyway, at one point he invited this chubby blonde nurse to a Nickelback concert (I am NOT making this up). And I couldn't help myself. I started ripping the poor guy. Why? - because Nickelback sucks (Far Away??? - pure crap). And he got a little defensive and eventually comes back with, "Well, who do you like?" Which is an odd question, because no matter what I would say, it wouldn't change the fact that Nickelback sucks. So, I said, "Do you mean as far as Canadian rock?" And he said, "Huh?" I guess he didn't know Nickelback was from Alberta. I said, "Well Todd, I am not a fan of Canadian rock, but I guess that cover of Fight The Power that Barenaked Ladies did for the Coneheads soundtrack is pretty cool." He said, "What are you talking about? Just tell me your favorite band." So, I said, "Okay. I'm a fan of The Replacements." He and the chubby nurse looked baffled. Totally confused. The fake TOSU fan says, "Never heard of them." I replied, "And how is that my fault?" He said, "Name another." I said, "I'm very partial to Liz Phair." He said, in a somewhat flustered voice, "Name someone I've heard of." I left it like this, "If you don't know who Liz Phair is, then I can't help you. There's just no way in hell. I'll just say this though, because I'm just in the mood at the moment - I would give 2 weeks pay just to deliver Liz Phair's mail for a week." And that's the truth. It really is.

Growin' old in a bar

Ya grow old in a bar

I'm out - TBFH

Geilfuss Trods The Boards

I got a text from Geilfuss yesterday and he informed me that for the final exam part of his big Shakespeare class, he will have to perform a scene from one of the plays. Now, I'm not sure of the merit of this exercise as a final exam in an English class (acting class - fine). Is the professor gonna penalize bad actors for bad performances on their final grades for this class? The whole notion of the thing baffles me. Anyway, getting back to Geilfuss, I asked what scene he was gonna do. He responded back that it was from Othello. I told him that might be difficult, as I've never seen Geilfuss so much as upset, much less in a jealous rage. He said he was cool with it because he got to call some poor girl in the class a whore repeatedly. I then inquired this of Geilfuss - Can you get one of the Dream Teamers to crawl out of bed to play old Desdemona for you? Because if there's one group that knows whoredom inside and out, it's the Dream Team.

I just saw where Corey Haim was found dead (which is an odd phrase if you think about it, found dead - it sounds like some kid stumbled across a dead body while playing hide-and-go-seek). And I'm not gonna say anything snide about the guy, but if you'd have told me back in the day I'd outlive Corey Haim, I'd have said, "It'll be close. But it's not totally impossible."

I was out at the bar of some Mexican joint last night (99 cent drafts) and struck up a conversation with a guy who is pretty new to the area. His name was, well, it completely escapes me now...maybe Hugh??? Anyway, this guy had just moved here from Florida, but was originally from New York. He had a pretty thick New Yawk accent or whatever. Well, this guy was really lamenting the fact that he's having a really hard time finding a good bar to hang out in. And I'm pretty much an expert on bars, so I was giving him some tips and, blah, blah, blah. This guy then informed me that he felt like folks here in Greensboro have been treating him like an outsider (what with the accent and all). He asked if I'd run into the same problem (I had told him I was not originally from the area myself). And the truth is that no, I never have had a problem with folks here in Greensboro treating me too badly because I'm a yankee or whatever. And I never really have (a few nuts I've worked with over the years notwithstanding...). This guy then asked about bars to meet single ladies (he told me he was 38, so we're about the same age). And I told him a couple to try (McPherson's, and maybe some of the joints down where Lawndale and Battleground kind of come together). He asked if I'd had much luck at any of these places. And I was honest with him. I told him I hadn't been in any of them (and I haven't). He then asked how I met girls/women. And then I told him the key to picking up a lot of women here in Greensboro and anywhere else for that matter is this: Don't try. Maybe it's just me (but I don't think so), but I've found if you just hang out, almost anywhere, and let whatever happens, happen, you'll be approached by plenty of girls/women. And when you strike up a conversation with some girl, you should be able to tell within about 30 seconds (if that) what her intention(s) is/are (unless you're a clueless idiot, then...) This New York guy seemed a little incredulous about what I was telling him. He said, "That's it? You just sit there and wait for them to come to you." I said, "You're close, but what you really do is sit there and wait for them NOT to come to you." He said, "You jerkin' my chain?" I replied, "Dammit! I can't help you. Sorry, there's no way. You're not listening. I try and do something nice for a new guy in town, ..." And as all of you know, who know me at all, I was not jerking the guy's chain, in the least. Poor guy. He'll probably hit one of these bars I mentioned to him Friday, and start accosting the nice women of Greensboro with tales of old New York, promises of Jager shots, and his coarse hands traversing all over them. I should have told him to hang out at Playas on W Market, because the only women he could bother in there are the bartenders (who can take care of themselves), the occasional stripper catching a nip between pole dancing shifts at one of the several titty flop bars within a 5 minute drive, and repulsive skanks who will fuck you on one of the pool tables after 1 shot of Cuervo.

Well, it's that time of year again. The time of year when I get into fascinating and totally pointless conversations with Duke fans. There was a kid out at the wing joint on Battleground recently and he started in on the poor harmless Carolina fans sitting there. And the bartender (a nice guy named Dave) comes over to me and says, "Can you set this guy straight for me. You are so good at it." And Dave is right about that. I am excellent at it. At one juncture the kid made this asinine point, "Did you know that Duke has the highest combined salary in the NBA of any school?" And boy that was a mistake. Because I said, "How does the fact that stupid NBA GM's have overpaid for the likes of Elton Brand, Corey Maggette (who I really like as a player by the way), Mike Dunleavy, and others, reflect positively on Duke?" Well, the kid stopped that line of argument pretty quickly. Then we got into a discussion of Coach K's "strategy" in big games over the years. And I brought up 2 examples for the kid. One, why in the 99 Title game did K have Trajan Langdon handling the ball (he bounced it off his foot for those of you who can't recall) at the end of the game, and the aforementioned Corey Maggette (an awesome 1-on-1 player) on the bench? And two, in the 02 Sweet Sixteen, why the hell didn't K call a timeout when Indiana made that massive run to come from around 17 down to win - it's Mike Davis??? (Note: That was also the infamous game when Matt Christensen chased Bruce Benedict {the ex-MLB catcher, who was reffing the game} into the tunnel of Rupp Arena after the choke job loss by the Dookies, bitching about the officiating). Pure class there. Needless to say, the poor kid quit talking to me and left with half a beer unfinished. Dave and the other Heel fans were very pleased. I do what I can. I never even got the chance to inquire from the kid what year he graduated from Duke and what his major was. He got off pretty easy. For the record, the real Dookies, the ones who actually went there (or had a parent, sibling or child go there), I don't have much of an issue with. Root away all you want (although I have a story about actual Dookies that I have to tell sometime, it's from the ACC/Big 10 Challenge game at the Greensboro Coliseum in December 2002 between TOSU and Duke - unbelievably racist shit coming from the Dookies that night. TOSU lost, but my man Brent Darby went off on K and the boys for like 35. And don't feel too bad for TOSU fans, because a month later they won the National Title against Thug U).

Someone left a comment recently on this blog wondering if Scotty Hopson from Tennessee is related to Dennis Hopson. And no, I don't think he is. Last I heard about Dennis, he was doing some coaching for the Falcons of BGSU.

The Oscars came and went here and I was massively disappointed Up In The Air didn't win. I haven't seen Hurt Locker yet, so it might be great. I have no idea. The one good thing is that Jimmy Cameron did not win for that ridiculous spectacle called Avatar (as I've said before on this blog, I am never gonna see the thing - all the creatures remind me of Jar Jar Binks). It was pretty poetic how Cameron lost Best Director to his ex-wife. Again, I haven't seen Hurt Locker, but I did enjoy Strange Days (which she also directed, although I believe Jimmy Cameron wrote the script for Strange Days himself...). If you've never seen it, check it out. Ralph Fiennes, he's good. And my man Tom Sizemore.

Oh, one last thing here. I got asked again recently about the roots of my deep cynicism about life, etc. And I don't wanna go into it, believe me. But, yes, it's childhood issues. Of course, what else could it be?

Huge hoops games going on here this week. I won't get to post until maybe Saturday again. And I know some of you are looking for picks, you degenerate gamblers. And I can't blame you, because last March, I was on fire.

I threw up when I saw what I'd done

I'm out - TBFH

I Love It When A Plan Comes Together

When sitting around Generic Bread with your butch dyke looking wedding planner, I would plead with you not to go on and on about how in love you are with a guy you describe as "sweet." It's really off putting. "He's such a sweetheart." Sweetheart my ass - he's a guy who is so desperate that he'd agree to marry a broad with wider shoulders than Atlas, and a huge, no doubt ever expanding ass. The only way I'd remotely give this soon-to-be groom a pass is if 1)he's in the state pen or 2) he has a fetish for chicks with breeder hips.

Also, if you're gonna be one of these old timers who sit around Generic Bread killing time, I'd urge you to go ahead and try and do something about all the hairs shooting out of your ears. It's distracting, especially when a guy nearby is trying to concentrate on dealing with all the idiots on Full Tilt.

I made the mistake of failing to wear a jacket today. And it's way colder out than it should be. Standing outside smoking in this wind is a real bummer. It really is.

I was having a hard time sleeping last night and for some stupid reason my mind began to wander to NBC sitcoms in the early 80's. There was this one awful show called Love, Sidney that ran for maybe 2 seasons. It starred Tony Randall as a "confirmed bachelor" who took in a single mom and her daughter. Anyway, it was putrid. The crap that NBC used to put on before hitting it big starting in 1984 was really terrible. If you weren't alive to suffer through it, consider yourself lucky. Seriously. Also, that phrase "confirmed bachelor" is one of the more asinine euphemisms in the history of the English language. Call those dudes what they are - fastidious gay men.

I also thought about the NBC Tuesday lineup that aired there in the mid 80's. Some of you might recall A-Team at 8, Riptide at 9, and Remington Steele at 10. I will grudgingly admit to being an A-Team fan (remember I was like 13 or 14 at the time), I always enjoyed it when George Peppard said, "I love it when a plan comes together." Because the plan he was referring to always seemed to involve some improbable and implausible barrage of bullets flying for 4 or 5 minutes and no one getting hit. Or turning an old lawnmower into a tank. Or busting out of a house surrounded by Colonel Lynch and dozens of specialized Army personnel unscathed. Utterly silly. I watched the thing though. I feel much stupider for it, that's for sure. But as dumb as A-Team was, Riptide was worse. These loser P.I. types lived an a houseboat and had a nerdy friend who always said "That's boz." Watching that crap cost you brain cells by the second. But Remington Steele was actually pretty good. Pierce Brosnan was in the thing. And I always enjoyed Stephanie Zimbalist. And those rare episodes when her father showed up - those were always entertaining. If you've never seen the show, it's worth checking out.

I got a comment after yesterday's post from a regular reader of this blog wondering why I was so verbose when Duke loses and so utterly silent when they win. And this commenter is absolutely right there. If you wanna read how wonderful Duke is in all their glorious victories, then you're not gonna find it here. I only comment on them when they lose. Hopefully, there will be at least 1 more comment on them here in the next month. This commenter also labelled me a Terps fan. And for the record, that's not exactly accurate. I have no ties to College Park per se. But a number of friends of mine went to College Park (Vaeth and McGrain being 2). And I do have a soft spot for Gary Williams, as I used to sneak into practice at old St John Arena from time to time when I was in high school and listen to him curse poor Curtis Wilson into oblivion. That and the fact Gary was coaching TOSU when they knocked off Kentucky in the NCAA Tournament. My man Dennis Hopson.

It's getting boring in here and the poker tournament has ended, at least for me. I did manage to cash though, as I finished 24th out of a field of 372 - too much work (almost 3 damn hours) to not quite double my buy in, but still...

I believe my throat hurts

I'm out - TBFH

Jon Scheyer Walks Into The Comcast Center

Urgent score update from College Park - Terps 79 Duke 72. And it was a great night to be alive. The best night of the year thus far. The "Fuck You Scheyer" chants reverberated all night. And they may have worked, as Scheyer struggled mightily down the stretch when it counted most. But not Greivis Vasquez, he was a champion. Some of those circus shots at the end -amazing. If Vasquez doesn't win ACC player of the year after that performance (not to mention the 41 he dropped on the Gobblers last Saturday), then the thing is rigged. It was also nice to see Coach Kry looking all distraught and needing Wojo to shove more and more Demerol down his throat every TV timeout just to ease the pain of the utter horror he was witnessing. I watched the game at the wing joint on Battleground and there were about half a dozen Dookies in there - and they were not too happy with me. How do I know the Dookies weren't too happy with me? I kept asking them if Villanova had stopped scoring on their asses from last March 26. That's how. That, and I might have casually mentioned that Mickie may be getting too arthritic to give Coach Kry the hand jobs he so craves...

The funny thing in Greensboro is that if you are anti-Duke, folks assume you're a Heels fan. And I don't have a dog in that fight (other than, as some of you are well aware, when the 2 play, there is no bigger Carolina fan on the planet than yours truly). I was sitting next to 3 or 4 Carolina fans during the game last night. And one kid was a classic liberal Tar Heel (he spent some time in the Peace Corps for Christ's sake). A helluva nice kid, but for the life of him, he couldn't figure out why I hated Duke so much and yet didn't go to Carolina. And I tried to explain to this Peace Corps kid that my unhealthy aversion to Duke has a strong and varied foundation through the years. I told him I don't like to go into it exactly. I will say this though - about 1/2 way through the 1st half, the Peace Corps kid did admit that I hated Duke worse than any person he'd met in his entire life (I was really laying into K, Collins, and Wojo for their beautiful gay threesomes at times during the Terps torrid start). When the Peace Corps kid asked at one point who my team was, I said the same thing as always, "Me, I pull for the Gunners."

Also, I'd be remiss if I didn't mention the huge game Tuesday night from Columbus. Mark Titus was huge for TOSU, as I believe he pulled off one last perfect trillion in the win over The Fighting Illini. If you've never read the kid's blog, it's almost as good as this one (and way more popular...). The address is http://www.clubtrillion.blogspot.com/ - the only 2 blogs I read are Titus' and of course, Geilfuss'. As far as the actual TOSU victory, Deibler was huge, Lighty was a force on dribble penetration, Buford was awesome, and Evan Turner is the flat truth. The kid can fucking ball. Like a God. He really can.

Speaking of Club Trillion -my favorite post that Titus has written was about going to a roller derby last summer. Priceless. It's almost like something that would happen to Ross and me. Almost.

Gotta run - TBFH

Special Scatological Edition

I saw where Barack Hussein Obama has decided to use something called the Nuclear Option in regards to his socialized medicine deal, a deal that people still don't want, even after a year of listening to him shove it down their throats. I think I'm familiar with this so called Nuclear Option. I think it has to do with locking members of the Senate into some kind of airtight room, sending his wife in there after she eats like 10 bucks worth of Taco Bell, having her rip one giant fart, and then wait until the senators give in. It should take about 30 seconds. I just wonder why old Barry didn't try this Nuclear Option earlier. It seems so basic - farts. Farts will conquer all. Farts are the solution to every problem facing Barry. Farts are like life itself - terrifying. Farts are, as Sting mentioned about 30 years ago or so, meaningless and all that's real...

I was talking to a bartender last night at this wing joint on Battleground, and he mentioned that he finds Glenn Beck to be the most honest news commentator out there today. And I was really hoping this bartender was pulling my leg. But he wasn't. So I said, "Well, I've never really bothered to listen to the guy closely, but he's on lots of TV's in bars during the 5 o'clock hour. And you are not the 1st person I know who has mentioned an affinity for Glenn Beck. In fact, several people I really like think Glenn Beck is some kind of oracle. The thing I wonder about him is, why does he look so constipated all the time?" The bartender at the wing joint said, "I hadn't noticed that so much." I said, "Well next time you watch him, see how he tends to squirm around like he's trying to hold in some kind of massive diarrhea stream just about to bubble out into his shorts." The bartender said, "I'll be sure to check that out." I replied, "Yeah, do. I worry about old Glenn Beck. He seems about to shit his pants on national TV every couple minutes. God bless him, the poor bastard."

I walked into the Men's room about 15 minutes ago (I'm at Generic Bread again, not the one by the Costco, or the one by the Steak & Bake, but the one on N Garden near Target). And as I opened the door, it was clear a dad was in the stall with his daughter, aiding her in some kind of potty training practice. The reason I know this is because he said this, just as I set foot in the can: "Keep pushing honey, your doo doo will be out soon." I ran out of there quick - real quick.

I walked into the Men's room on the 3rd Floor of the Old Measuring Stick in Durham one time about 5 or 6 or 7 years ago. And there was a kid in there, a kid who worked part time around the break room, a quiet kid who lived in a group home, a kid who spent most of his time staring at the floor in the dining area. Well, for those of you who have never been in the Men's room I'm talking about, there are 3 stalls located beyond 3 urinals. I started to head for the 1st urinal, thinking no one else was in the can, when I heard a voice say, "Poopie...poopie...poopie, poopie...poopie." And then I did something I should never have done in a million years. I was worried whoever was saying this might be having some kind of medical emergency or something. So I walked down toward the voice and then came up to the 1st stall. In horror, I notice the door open, the group home kid sitting there on the pot, and muttering softly to no one and everyone, "I make poopie. Poopie...poopie." I came very close to running down the 3 flights of stairs, sprinting to my car, driving away, and never coming back. I really did.

A few years before that, I was working in the building across the street from the 3 story building in Durham where the group home kid muttered "Poopie...poopie." This had to be 1999 or 2000. Anyway, I walked into the Men's room and this guy I've seen around work is standing at one of the urinals. This guy was around 50 and had an awful patch of facial hair masquerading as a beard. Anyway, he's standing there swivelling his hips and humming. He appeared to be thrusting his member toward the urinal wall. It was a bit disconcerting, to say the least. I turned around and got out of there. I saw the guy occasionally in the hallways after that. I never spoke to him though. Not a chance in hell.

I was in the Men's room one time at work over in Durham (back on the 3rd floor where the group home kid muttered, "poopie...poopie") and this crazy old man named C Barry Lee says to me, as we were standing next to each other at adjacent urinals, "You piss like a young man." I had no idea how to respond to that.

I was in the Men's room down on the 2nd floor of that same building one time and this guy, who was working for me, comes in. This guy was always late and out of his seat during work time. And he felt the need to take the opportunity of seeing me in the Men's room to explain why he had issues with sitting there and doing his job (although I never ask anyone any personal question at work, I NEVER want to know what's going on, you're just asking for trouble if you do). So he says, "I've got a lot of gastro-intestinal problems. I spend lots of time in here." I said, "Thanks for the heads up. I desperately needed to hear that."

I've got a million more bizarre bathroom stories. Believe me. One last one for today, and I find this terribly amusing. This happened about 8 or 9 years ago. I was working here in Greensboro and someone had been threatening to bring in some homemade chili for me and a few other folks to try. Finally, one day this lady does it - she brings in the homemade chili. Now, those of you who know me pretty well, you know I don't eat food brought into work by freaks. And this lady was a freak. So, I don't want to hurt her feelings when she brings over a full cup of the stuff to me. I politely take the cup of chili and say, "Thanks." I didn't touch a bite of it. Rich Lepors, who I used to eat lunch with for way too many years, was lucky enough to get some too (Rich was very popular with freaks) and he actually took a bite or 2 and said it was awful (although he could have said it was delicious and I still wouldn't have touched the crap). So, it's getting to be the end of the lunch break and I don't want the lady who brought the chili to see my full cup uneaten in the garbage somewhere and get all offended. So, what I decided to do is take the Styrofoam cup of chili she'd given me into one of the Men's rooms (one that only had a toilet - a single) and place the cup of chili on the back of the toilet. I found this terribly amusing, because the chili did slightly resemble awful diarrhea. And sure enough, within 1o minutes of lunch ending, some guy goes in there, sees the present I left, and freaks out. I laughed and laughed. In fact, I'm laughing now, just thinking about it.

Back to less scatological matters next time...

Mark Twain Liked Hockey???

It's snowing yet again here in the beautiful Gate City. On March 2nd. I'm sitting at the Generic Bread (not the one by the Costco, the one by the Steak & Bake) and it's nice here for once, as there are all of 5 folks in the entire joint (it's about 7). I wish it would keep snowing - the rest of the year. Anything that will keep annoying people out of the Generic Bread, I'm all for it.

I'm a little foggy on the news here lately, but I did see where Joe Biden went to speak before a group of "labor" leaders. And I wonder just how much labor these "labor" leaders really do, as they don't appear to be the most fit guys in the world. Most of the laborers I know (at least the ones who work for private business) are in pretty good shape. It's more appropriate to call these "labor" leaders something like lazy ass, on the take, anti-worker, thieves. Something like that. And I did notice one of these "labor" leader butch-type babes eyeing Joe Biden's massively erect medically aided boner rather longingly. That woman probably isn't getting it on the regular, as my man Mike Scott (not the pitcher) would say.

I've been spending some time at that Wings & Bling over on N Garden. And the other night (Saturday) there was a redneck to my right with his big racked, mediocre looking woman. And they were downing Bud Light buckets fast (they give you 5 beers for $10 on Saturday and Sunday). I mean this awful couple had 4 buckets between 4 and 8. The guy was particularly hammered (the funniest thing about him was that he was wearing a Tar Heels ball cap, and there is no way in hell this guy had ever been to Chapell Hill, because with the racist hate he was generally spewing all night, he would hate all the wine drinking/cheese eating liberals over there, to say the least). Anyway, this redneck asks for his check and then things broke ugly. Real ugly. The bartender at the time was a vacant dude named Paul - a nice enough guy in my limited experience with him, but just generally clueless. So, the redneck starts to swear up and down that he's being overcharged and he starts to go off on this vacant bartender Paul. At one point, this redneck guy threatens to come over the bar and settle things the way they do in bad Patrick Swayze movies. The guy eventually paid up, but not before saying he knew the owner and was driving right over to the owner's house to have Paul fired. Blah, blah, blah. The funny thing is that this guy turns to me and Brandon as he and his big racked, mediocre looking woman are about to head out and says, "Watch out man. He'll fuck ya if you let 'im." I said "I'll be sure to check the bill twice brother, but I'm guessing my math skills are slightly more advanced than yours, what with you having no conception of how to multiply 4x10 and all." His woman actually laughed at that, which was a good thing believe me. His ire turned from Paul, briefly to me, and then to his woman. They left after another minute of incoherent drunken racial slurs (which made no sense, since every person in the bar area was white). What killed me is that after all his bitching and alcohol fueled ranting, he left Paul a $7 tip. Really, he did. The thing Brandon reminded me, and he was dead on here, was to always remember that if there's a real problem with a guy like the one we came across there that Saturday at Wings & Bling, just remember that Ben will kill the guy for 20 bucks. And Brandon was right, that is something to keep in mind.

One of the weirdest things about Wings & Bling is that they, like other places I've been in, put the news channels on in the late afternoon. Only the XM channel drowns out any sound from any of the TV's. So, you're left to speculate just what Glenn Beck might be angry about at any given moment. And I'm not sure what all he's pissed about exactly, but he looks like he needs to take a dump - badly.

Big hoops game tonight, as TOSU goes for the Big 10 regular season championship in Columbus against my buddy Paul's (the guy who writes movie reviews from Chicago) old school. It should be interesting. And tomorrow in College Park is gonna be huge - huge.

I was out at that wing joint on Battleground Sunday and there was some hockey game on. And folks were really into it (me, I wanted to watch the Phoenix Open, obviously). In fact, several guys were wearing NHL team jerseys (I noticed a Borque jersey for example {I asked the guy wearing the Borque if Borque was French - the guy failed to laugh...}). I guess the game was exciting enough. At the end though, Canada pulled out a win. A number of the guys at the wing joint on Battleground were bummed out. I reminded them that, Canada may have won a pointless hockey game, but that didn't change the fact that Canada still is, and will be for the foreseeable future, a 3rd world country. These hockey fans didn't take too much solace in my comment. My buddy Phil was there too and at one point we got to talking about Canadian women. And Shania Twain's name came up (for what it's worth, I find Shania more attractive than Phil finds her, but to each his own). I told Phil how, often, when I bring up Shania Twain's name, I'll mention to whomever, "Did you know that Shania Twain is a great great granddaughter of Mark Twain?" Phil asked the appropriate question at that point (he's a pretty bright guy), "How often do people laugh when you ask them that?" I told Phil the truth, "Not nearly as often as you'd hope..."

Miles Standish proud