Taking a Cue From Darth Sidious

There are these guys who work on my floor (not too many folks work on the floor - only like 12 or 13 -although about 400 folks work in the building I think) and these guys are from somewhere on the Indian subcontinent (they work with IT - obviously). And they don't shut the door to the men's room when they use it. About a dozen times the past year and a half, I've walked over to the men's room and the door is wide open and one of them is standing there pissing and they look up and give some goofy looking grin. I walk away as quickly as possible. My friend Paul, who sits in the cubicle next to me, has walked in the men's room when one of them is in a stall taking a dump and left the door wide open (the door to the men's room, not the door to the stall - they aren't that gross.) Well, on 2nd thought...earlier this week Paul told me this story - he's over near the men's room and one of these Indian subcontinent guys is coming out of the stall, doesn't wash his hands, walks through the opened door, and then shuts it as he walks away. I don't know what it is with these dudes. I have considered putting some kind of sign up or something letting these dudes know about bathroom etiquette in The United States - but have never done it. I secretly fear that the Indian subcontinent dudes know full well what they're doing and go out for beers after work and laugh about how uncomfortable they make the 4 American guys who work on the floor with this restroom behavior. I never really speak to them. They seem nice enough I guess - they always kind of smile when you pass their work area - but for the life of me I can't understand what they're saying. What with the thick accents and the technology talk - I'm at a total loss.

The place I work was recently named #1 in the entire country for what we do (and I have no idea how that could possibly be or how whoever did the rankings decided who is #1 - I never read the email about it). Anyway, the lady who runs the whole operation here was quite proud of this. So she had these signs made up with red backgrounds that say #1 on them in white. Some support person brought by about 5 of them for us to put in the windows on our floor so passersby could see them. So they left one of these #1 signs in my cubicle and I found it one morning. Now remember that where I sit there is a window about 4 feet away. Only it looks out on another building (empty - an eyesore of urban blight) across a back alley. So the only people who would see this #1 sign are people hanging out in this back alley. And here are the people I have run into in that back alley - hookers, hobos, drug addicts, people screaming about the Lord, guys pissing, and a few random people sneaking a smoke. So, I put up that #1 sign in the window that overlooks this alley with tremendous pride. Now all the hookers, hobos, drug addicts, people who scream about the Lord, alley pissers, and random smokers know that we are #1. Damn right! Come get some of this!

I was out for a brief while at Charred Pork Bucket after work yesterday and Bob was at the jukebox picking just awful songs as always (several Jeffrey Osborne tunes - you know, the Woo Woo Woo crap). Anyway, I said "Bob, my man, could you put on the Circle Jerks for me?" He said "What?' I said "The Golden Shower of Hits." He only said "Fuck You." That didn't leave me with the impression that Bob is familiar with the Circle Jerks.

Later at Patrick Bateman's there was some trivia game that broke out. And I will show up and play trivia from time to time. It passes the time. So, this question comes up about movies that both Chevy Chase and Danny Akroyd have been in. At one point I turned to Dan and Andy and offered this title "A Threesome With Donna Dixon?" We sucked - 3rd place.

Barack Hussein Obama evidently released some kind of budget proposal yesterday. And I'm not an economist or very bright for that matter, but it seems like old Barry operates the same way that Lord Palpatine does in those movies with that girl from Jerusalem. In fact, I'm considering calling old Barry Darth Sidious Hussein Obama from here on out. Maybe Barry will force Hayden Christensen to go down on Oprah at some point. And if they make a video of such a tryst, I would like Chevy Chase and Danny Akroyd to make appearances in it - because that might help me at trivia somewhere down the line.

I should be out at the Banabee's this evening for another Friday of stupidity. I'm also considering some other options for before and after. I'm guessing things could get dicey.

Get Back Loretta -TBFH

Putrid Breath Woman Gets Bold

The Ramada on Wednesday again - just awful. Not one of my friends showed up there last night, so I was out there for about 2 and 1/2 hours by myself playing trivia against these freaks. Putrid Breath was there and she sidled over at one point to give me her phone number. If anyone wants it just text me and I'll pass it along - only don't tell her you know That Brother or got her number from That Brother. I don't anticipate anyone taking me up on this offer, but if you put a bag over her head and sprayed her with that vanilla stuff they sell at Bath & Body, and... well - she might still be too awful for anyone but Paulie. I contemplated throwing the napkin, with the number on it, away in front of her, but ... I was in a not too horrible type of mood I guess at the moment.

There was a guy out smoking at one point last night right outside the Ramada bar and I don't recall ever chatting with him before, but he starts talking about how happy he is with everything Barack Hussein Obama is doing - remember, this whole conversation was uninitiated by me. So, I wasn't too sure how to respond because he was being serious and going into great detail about how he had always voted Republican before and he was angry he couldn't find work now and he was kind of pouring his heart out to me. And I'm a bad person to talk about anything like that with - because I do not care about other people or their problems - as I've said on this blog before, I am a complete narcissist. So I throw my cigarette down after this guy just opens up to me for like 4 minutes and the only thing I could think to say to this poor guy was "You think Michelle Obama ever went down on Oprah?"

The trivia game itself was a farce last night. I missed a question about Beretta and that agitated me to no end. And I came in 2nd for the game. And I had a big interest in Maryland covering 6 pts against that Coach who looks like Hitler - and they didn't. So the whole night was a bust by about 11:30 - and then I got a text from Geilfuss. And then I met up with him at Get Bent Lounge. And then these 3 girls came in - Jess, and one dream teamer and a new dream team recruit maybe, who knows? - the dream team tends to travel in packs. And then the night got a lot more interesting. It really did. Geilfuss looked over toward me occasionally, alternating between shaking his head and giggling.

I was in this taxi cab this morning and the driver starts to tell me about how he got cheated out of buying a car because he's white. And I was feeling pretty good this morning, considering - so there was no problem with me being too out of it to get what the guy was saying. So he goes on for about 3 minutes with this car buying story. And then he starts in with the racist language at the end of his tale. I've never seen this guy before in my life and I asked him "What about me gives you the impression that I wouldn't be offended by your using a racial epithet?" And this cab driver guy says "What's an epithet?"

I was watching this movie one time and it had that guy who played that kid in the Ice Storm in it. And the guy who starred in Jaws The Revenge was also in it. And one of the kids from that Fox show with the guy from Breaking Bad who also played Tim Whatley was in in too. Anyway it was a pretty intense movie. It was way too deep for me - themes of loss and redemption and blah, blah, blah...But there was this girl in this movie who was (and still is) strikingly attractive. So that was something at least.

TBFH

The Woman Who Blurted Out Something Nauseating After 2 Margaritas

I was out last night with some folks I work with - math experts mostly (me, I'm not an expert at anything) - and several folks who work for our vendor were there as well. The vendor people were taking us out for some really pointless reason. So, all the folks there were women except for me. And they are all 50 plus year-olds. And they got a couple of rounds of drinks in them - which in my experience is a recipe for disaster in a semi-business setting. After the 2nd round of drinks settled in, the ladies talk turned slightly bawdy. And I'm thinking - Fuck. One of the ladies who works for our vendor is named Karen and she's pushing 60 I would guess. Her hairstyle is right out of about 1967. And for some reason she tells us about how her 2 grown sons live with her and she has this rule about no girls sleeping over with them. And then she describes how when they break this rule, she walks right into their bedroom and says things like "You know having this girl in your bed is not what I want." Or something like that. So, that was weird to hear, but not so terrible. Then this Karen talks about how she really isn't a prude, but rules are rules or something. Then she said one of the more disturbing things I've heard in a long time. To prove her point about not being a prude, she says "When I was 53, I had a torrid 3 month affair with a 28 year old." And I pushed my chair back, stood up, and said "That's it for me. I'm going out to smoke." And I did. What this proves is - never get loaded with people who are your clients. Now, every time I see this Karen, all I'll think about is her big ass bent over, bouffant hair all mussed, and some faceless 28 year old plowing her from the rear. And that's not good.

I was out at The Charred Pork Bucket the other night for trivia and I'm sitting next to the old drunk guy. Then this question comes up about who wrote some Caldicott winning book called Black and White. No one had any idea. About a minute passed and the old drunk guy took a gulp of his Scotch, leaned over to me, and said "It must be some random nigger." And I said "Dick, do you realize how patently offensive that sounds?" And he said "Who gives a fuck." We didn't get the answer right. But we won the game anyway. They asked something about putting three women in order oldest to youngest (Mrs. Barack Hussein Obama, Shania Twain, and Felicity Huffman) - and that's too easy.

Andy's sister Mary has been lured or duped into volunteering to run some book club for like 10-12 year old girls. And Mary is an extremely good person - except toward Ross and Geilfuss of course - so she was telling everyone at trivia last night about how she had to go and buy the book so she could properly run this book club discussion. I asked "What book are they reading?" She said "It's the American Girl's Guide to ..." And before she could finish I said "Guide to Anal Lubing?"

Also, at last night's trivia this question comes up about what college or university plays at an arena nicknamed The Pit. And Gielfuss says "Pittsburgh?" I don't think he was joking. Apparently, I was the only person in the entire bar who knew the answer (which is ridiculous - doesn't everyone remember the 1983 NCAA Championship game?). Later on, Keith asks something about what kind of fur comes from some animal named the coypu and I said "Trim?" We won the game anyway.

Andy, Geilfuss, and I went into the Moo Latto later last night and were enjoying a couple pitchers of indiscriminate light beer and watching the Florida State/BC game and these dudes come into the bar wearing those Snuggie things you see on TV all the time. They looked like poor men's Jedi Knights. I kept lamenting the fact that none of them were brothers, because I wanted so badly to scream "My man Mace Fucking Windu." Alas... Also, these Snuggies - aren't they nothing more than a robe worn backward?

I was out at some bar last Friday afternoon around 4 and right across the street there is this place called Adam & Eve. And I had never been in the place before, but it's a chain that sells sex toys and lingerie. So, I noticed a steady stream of women going in and out of this Adam & Eve over the next hour and a half. And all the ladies going in there were somewhere between slightly heavy and Beck-worthy big. So, I turned to the bartender (she was quite svelte herself and fairly not awful to look at) at some point and I said "Why is it only bigger ladies are going into that sex store?" She said "I've noticed that most of them are bigger as well. I think it's because they need to get all slutted up to seduce a man. Whereas girls like me don't." And I'm not sure if that's accurate or not. But here's what I did next. I drank my Magic Hat, walked across Spring Garden, went straight into the Adam & Eve and yelled "Show me the biggest pair of crotchless panties you have." One of the clerks said "We're all out of 4X honey." And I said "I'll be damned. Have any of the babes buying the size 4X crotchless panties mentioned my man Beck?" The clerk said "No, but a lot of them mention Joe Biden." And that made sense too. I said to the clerk "Chope is certainly alive here." Then I walked out, went back across Spring Garden, sat back down at the bar, ordered rock-gut Bourbon, downed it, and contemplated the very meaning of life itself for a good 3 seconds. Then I got bored of that and asked the bartender if she ever fucked a guy in the back room. She said "Not yet today." Then things really heated up. I'm not a good person.

Number 1, I order you to go take a #2. - TBFH

The Electric Boogie Woman

I got on some site called Faceshit the other day. What they do is lure people in with hopes of connecting to folks from their past. So, I was lured - ever so briefly and blah, blah, blah...I found out that a guy I went to school with in like 9th and 10th grade is now a woman. He had his penis removed - seriously. He now goes by the name Electric Boogie Woman or something. And I attended one of his two weddings back in December 1991 in Johnson City, Tennessee (never go to the Ryan's Steakhouse there - I'm guessing I'm still banned). I remember that the Niners were playing the Chiefs that day (how I remember that is disturbing). So, I'm down in Tennessee with Brad and Todd and we are going to this guy's wedding. And we decided to get hammered before the wedding - so we start in with the White Russians several hours ahead of the nuptials - which was an awesome decision. We drive over to this chapel on the campus of some born-again christian university and go inside and sit down. Then we started to laugh. I mean laugh uncontrollably throughout the whole thing. They had a woman sing who had to weigh 450 lbs. and she sang poorly. Then the bride walks out and we could tell it was the first time she had ever wore a dress in her life. Luckily, I had my flask with me - it came in handy. So this girl is maybe 5 ft tall and really skinny. And she had a mullet - a Billy Ray Cyrus mullet. And over the mullet she was wearing a sweatband - seriously. And she was wearing Converse sneakers (I don't recall if they were Chuck Taylor's or not) - seriously. And she was laughing as she walked down the aisle and kicking up her feet like a Nazi soldier goose-stepping into Paris on June 14, 1940. And did I mention that she had the body type of a 12 year old boy? An ugly 12 year old boy, but nonetheless...So the 3 of us are really laughing - although to be honest I was laughing the hardest - I honest to god fell on the floor crying from laughing so hard and the poor bride's grandmother did not appreciate that at all. Finally, the I do's ended and some guy with a too thin mustache sings something and everyone files into the basement of this chapel for a reception. Only there is no booze being served and massive amounts of little cocktail wienies are floating around. We didn't stay long. And that was this guy's first wedding - the guy who has become Electric Boogie Woman. They were married about 6 months I think. The whole thing was annulled. Then our friend took up with his EMT partner and it was when he was married to his EMT partner that he told me something I'll never forget "_____, once you've gone fat, you'll never go back." And I have to say that I was never sure if he was right about that. But when I saw his profile on Faceshit, I felt relieved because what he should have told me was this "_____, once you've gone fat, you'll cut off your penis, become a fat bisexual, and go by the name Electric Boogie Woogie Woogie." And I won't even get into exactly what happened at the Ryan's Steakhouse after the wedding that Saturday in December 1991 in Johnson City, Tennessee - but I will say this - it involved throwing cheap steaks at big country girls. And that's something at least.

Another time, Todd and I were out at Plank's Bier Garten in German Village with this he/she guy mentioned above. And we ordered an extra large pizza with the works (the pizza there is awesome). And the server brought it out. Then Todd and I both ate a piece and were chatting about the horrible band there playing Skynyrd covers. About 4 minutes passed. We look down at the pizza and it's all eaten. This Electric Boogie Bisexual had scarfed the whole thing down. And I said "I'll be damned." And I'm guessing I will be.

I went into the Men's Room today and there was an Avon catalog on top of the toilet. And, don't worry - I didn't touch it. But I wondered how sick some guy must be to beat off at work while staring plaintively at models in an Avon catalog.

I was watching a show last night about finding America's most competent karaoke singer and it wasn't very interesting. But there was a guy on there who looked like a member of Al Qaeda and was singing some awful soul song. And I said "Well, chope strikes again." And then there is this panel of people who critique each karaoke singer on this show. And one of them used to play bass with Journey - so you can't take him seriously at all. And another judge was the lady in that video with MC Scat Kat and that video is so pitiable - and the lady looks like she gave too much head to Emilio Estevez because I didn't know what she was talking about. She kept saying to the karaoke contestants "You just need to be yourself." And I kept thinking "Huh?" There was some English dude on this panel as well and someone needs to tell him to look into investing in some T-Shirts.

Someone asked me a question about 3 years ago and it was this: "Are you pulling for that Mormon chick or Soul Patrol?" And I wasn't quite sure what the point of the question was but said "I always pull for the Mormons." And that's generally true - I often bet on BYU.

If you want someone to blame, throw a rock in the air, you'll hit someone guilty. - TBFH

The Drunk Chick Who Is Down With Chope

I was out at a place called O Put In Dill last Friday night and that place was filled with the distinct stench of desperation, as several hundred middle-aged singles hung out, drinking just enough to try and forget how pitiful they are for going into the place at all. So, I ordered a beer and was standing there lamenting the fact that I wasn't remotely drunk and that life is nothing like a box of chocolates, but more like a box of prophylactics. Then some loud drunk woman comes up to me and asks me if I watch something called 24. I told her "I've never heard of it." And she didn't like that answer. It was a horrible way to approach men - at least in my opinion. Then she said "You're just saying that because you don't want to talk to me." I replied "At least you aren't as stupid as you look." She got sore after that and meandered back to her ugly friends. So, I'm thinking this whole place is a complete bust. But I decided to have one more beer and see what happened. And that's when evidence of chope (for the uninitiated, see post from way back in November titled Chope for an explanation) finally popped up in my life. I was standing outside smoking on this screened in patio thing, when this woman comes up to me and asks for a light. So she's not so untappable, and I light her menthol something or other for her. Then instead of saying thanks or nodding her head or whatever women do in polite company (admittedly - I'm not polite company), she grabs my crotch with her left hand and says "I wanna see what I'm getting into for the night." I said "Okay, no problem." The only thing was that she wasn't just copping a fast feel, she was holding on and massaging for like 15-20 seconds. So, at that moment I felt like there was only one thing to do, seeing as how this woman is caressing my package and there were about a dozen people standing around smoking (not that I'm strictly against exhibitionism mind you - but I've got to be pretty drunk to do it); so I yelled "Chope!" Unfortunately for me, this had the opposite outcome than I was hoping for. She threw me down on the nearest chair, jumped on me, and said "You are one of those naughty Obama haters." Which is slightly true - I am naughty (in a puerile and purely adolescent way), but I certainly don't hate old Barry. And I just hoped everyone out on that patio would not use their cell phone cameras. Because I worried that things were about to get graphic. And then they did. I might go back some time. I'm certainly considering it.

I did see where Barack Hussein Obama has rammed some legislation down the country's throat that is likely to create something called "shovel ready" jobs. And I don't know if you've noticed who the guys are who seem to do all the shovelling in all the shovel jobs that you see along the road, but I think old Barry must be catering to the Beaner vote (I am not using the term Beaner in a pejorative way, but in more of a crass way) with this legislation - because I never see any white dudes or brothers out there shovelling anything except bullshit pick-up lines in hideous dive bars.

Someone told me once that truth is relative. And all I said back was "No relative of mine."

I was flipping back and forth between these two cable shows last night. One was with the guy who used to work with the En Fuego guy, steals from Edward R. Murrow, and has been fired countless times. The other was with the guy who used to host Inside Edition and calls people pinheads. And here's what I figured out is the difference between the shows when you get past the bombast and demagogic silliness - almost nothing. Although I will say that I found the show with the guy who used to work with the En Fuego guy, steals from Edward R. Murrow, and has been fired countless times slightly more amusing - because I think he might actually believe some of what he's saying. And that is hilarious.

The guy from Chicago who writes movie reviews posted a review of the new Friday the13th and he seems disappointed that there is lots of gratuitous sex and nudity in the thing, and I wondered "Why else would anyone possibly bother seeing it?"

The Day The Nixon Died

I was out at this place called Gator's one time - it was inside some mall on the outskirts of Cincinnati (I highly doubt the place still exists). And this place was a cheese palace -an ode to 90's cheese. It was possibly the cheesiest dance club in the world. I was in this place one time in 1994 - in April - when news came over one of the TV's that Richard Nixon had died. I was there with my best friend Todd and we were pretty big fans of old Nixon (as you could probably guess). So, we start to get really drunk - doing something like White Russians really fast. Then we wandered into the part of the place where the music and the horrible, drunk, cheesy, too much hair-sprayed girls were. We kind of lost track of each other over the next half hour and I stumble over to get a beer after being dragged around the dance floor by some awful blonde slut for a few songs and out of the corner of my eye, I see Todd. He's on top of some huge speaker, dancing with a girl who I swear was not over 4 ft. tall. And that struck me as funny. So, I started laughing uncontrollably and pointed over to him. It took him a minute but he finally noticed me. And then he did something that the two of us gestured toward each other hundreds of times in the early to mid-90's - he rolled his eyes and smiled - realizing the absolute absurdity of the situation (although to be fair to Todd, I rolled my eyes toward him for more often then he did toward me during those years - he was a bit pickier about drunk sluts and was usually less wasted than me). So, I had some time to kill until the bar closed at 2. I gulped down another indiscriminate lite beer, stumbled around until some big-haired, service industry working, acid-washed jeans wearing girl grabbed me (it never took long). Time passed and the lights went up and the girl who had grabbed onto me and shoved her tongue all over me for 30 minutes goes to find her friends, but says before she goes "I'll be right back. I've got a lot in store for you." Well, I raced over to where Todd had been dancing with the midgetesque girl and started screaming "We have to get out of here before this girl comes back." And he's really drunk. And I know the night is going to end badly for someone - probably me. And it did. We named the girl he picked up Power Pack (I'm sure it had something to do with her ass). I said at one point the next day "At least we paid proper respect to old Richard Nixon." And we had - Dick would have found the whole thing terribly amusing. Gator's - fucking Gator's.

A good rule to live by is this - when you meet a girl in an awful place and if you are drunk (which you would have to be to go into said awful place in the first place) and if you are sane and if you don't want to be saddled with weeks on end of annoying phone calls - remember this: Never, EVER give out your real name and never, under any circumstances give out your real phone number (it's best to have a standard fake memorized, so you can't forget it - no matter how drunk you are and how normal whatever girl seems). I used to like to give out one of two names (one was the name on my fake Arizona driver's license and the other a certain singer born in Memphis in 1950) and as far as a standard fake phone number - I highly recommend some place that deals in porn (what is euphemistically called an adult book store). These are both very prudent measures to take - believe me. I realize how much more difficult this is with the incredible proliferation of cell phones over the past 10 years. So, lie. Say "I don't have my phone with me. It broke yesterday. Sorry."

I was out last Friday at Bananabee's playing a pointless game of trivia with a couple guys from Getting The Crabs. And this question comes up about opera and where some tenor is from - his name sounded Spanish, so we put Spain. We were right. But I wondered what if the old drunk guy was there - what would he say about this tenor question - and then it hit me, he'd say "Who gives a fuck." We lost the game anyway. We bet terribly and messed up two questions we should have gotten. It was totally my fault.

Keith was asking me why I seem so fixated on the guy who plays Mace Windu. And I really don't know, but it did remind me to tell everyone who hasn't seen Hard Eight - to see Hard Eight. Philip Fucking Baker Fucking Hall - Bookman.

The Curious Case Of Mace Windu

I was reading a blog entry that Geilfuss wrote about sporting events he might have watched - it was hard to tell if he'd actually seen them or not, as the descriptions were confusing. At any rate, at one point Geilfuss says that Jason Caffey changed his name to Bison Dele. And I'm not too surprised Geilfuss made this claim, but Brian Williams was one of my favorite players ever from the University of Arizona (right up there with Sean Elliot, Damon Stoudamire, and Gilbert Fucking Arenas) and it was Brian Williams who changed his name to Bison Dele- he suffered from depression for years and changed his name in hopes of finding some kind of mental peace or something. Unfortunately, he was killed by pirates or his brother in 2002 in the South Pacific (no one is sure last I heard). For Geilfuss to confuse Brian Williams with Jason Caffey is bizarre. The only thing I know about Jason Caffey is he hates to pay child support for some reason - he's a loser.

Also, Geilfuss describes game 6 of the 1997 ALCS and I remember that game pretty clearly (I had a financial interest in the Orioles winning that series). And the way Geilfuss describes it makes me uncertain if I did actually watch it, because I got so confused by his description and where he was sitting and all these weird details that had nothing to do with the game itself, that I had no idea what he was talking about.

I was out at trivia at the Ramada again last night and they do this quiz with what person is pictured on which coin/bill. And so Dave is adamant that Eisenhower is pictured on the dime. And I'm like "Dave I think it's that commie FDR on the dime." So, we go outside to smoke and Dave pulls a bunch of change out of his pocket - including a dime. He looks at it for about 10 seconds and says "I told you!" I said "Um, Dave, that's a side portrait of FDR man." He said "It is?" "Yeah, ...how much did you drink before you came out here tonight?" Dave replied "Not enough." And I wholeheartedly agreed with that. We won the game anyway.

I was on a flight yesterday and it was bumpy the first half hour or so- the turbulence was brutal. So, I've got on these earphones that Delta passes out and you can listen to these music channels with them. So, the plane is kind of bouncing up and down and the woman sitting next to me is getting really nervous. And at one point we dropped quite a bit. She grabbed my arm and I took an earphone out of one of my ears. She said "Aren't you getting scared for your life?" And I said "No, I'm good. They're playing Bullet With Butterfly Wings. And it is one of the best songs you'll ever hear before you die. So if I'm gonna die now -awesome. Now let go of my arm." It appeared she might have been taken aback by that. But then she thought for a few seconds and said "You are right about that song. You've really got a point." And she was right about me being right.

I was watching another movie with the guy who played Mace Windu and this one was really stupid. He plays a cop who terrorizes his neighbors because they are a racially mixed couple. I didn't find it remotely believable or tense. I remember when the guy who played Mace Windu played Stacks in that movie starring that guy who was a lawyer in that movie where Marisa Tomei won an Oscar, and in that movie - Stacks didn't seem to have a problem with white people at all. It was baffling. Also, the climax of the film - you can see it coming after the first 2 or 3 minutes. This guy who played Mace Windu needs to be more selective in the movies he chooses to do.

I sent out a text yesterday telling everyone to take the Heels against Coach Kry. And the Heels crushed them. It was beautiful. Easy money. In fact about 15 minutes before the tip, J comes up and asks me who I like. I was in a decent enough mood, so I told him the truth "Carolina should win by at least 12." He argued with me like always and I was sorry I gave him the advice at all. I saw J again around midnight and I said "There you go. Tell me you bet it big." He said "Nah, just 10 bucks with some guy at the bar." I was sickened. J - he'll drive you crazy. One night last week he was trying to compare the Phelps/bong picture situation with NBA players who smoke a lot of pot (I won't bore anyone with the details). I kept saying "J, that's not even apples and oranges. It's more like apples and bowling balls." After a few minutes I just turned around and left the bar.

Barack Hussein Obama was at some rally in Florida the other day and was taking requests from the crowd. People were asking him for stuff like he was Santa Claus or Obama Claus or the Tooth Fairy or the Obama Fairy. One guy got up and asked if Obama could get him a better job than McDonalds. Another guy wanted to get $3000 a month from unemployment checks. And the best was a lady who wanted a new car, a kitchen and a bathroom (she was nasty looking - an old school street-walking looking ho). As I was listening to this, I almost, ALMOST, started to feel sorry for Barry. But, he brought all this on himself with his demagoguing last year. I don't totally blame his brainwashed followers either. They are clueless and not interested in rugged individualism. Anyway, I was getting a pretty good laugh out of the whole rally. And I bet someone will give that woman a free house - probably some do-gooder who went to Duke or a pimp or a pimp who went to Duke or those guys from the Duke Lacrosse team who have a thing for black prostitutes.

And I still believe that I cannot be saved.

-TBFH

The Guy Who Writes Movie Reviews In Chicago

I was at the Ramada again last night and this trivia game breaks out - as usual on Wednesday. The woman with the putrid breath was in there for some reason and they had a Mentos machine put in recently. So, Andy and Dave each gave me a quarter to get Mentos. And for 50 cents you get 4 of them. So the putrid breath woman was sitting about 15 feet away from me with a really ugly friend of hers. I started tossing a Mentos in their direction every so often. Putrid Breath woman never did get the hint. Instead she kept staring over at me with this trying to be seductive smile. So I started to speculate on the color of her yeast infections and how far to her knees her pubic hairs hung. Beck and Andy were pretty disgusted with my comments (although they're used to them), but Dave couldn't quit saying to me "Has anyone told you yet today?" "Go ahead Dave." "Go fuck yourself." I didn't of course. It wouldn't have been prudent at that juncture.

There was an interesting question during the trivia game about what the White House was called before the War of 1812. I had no clue, but I guessed Jefferson's Slave Raping House. I was way off. There was another one about the first interracial kiss on network TV and the lady running the thing (Boobie) said it was Star Trak (not Trek, Trak). I guessed Matlock because I recall an episode where that communist Andy Griffith goes at it pretty hard with the black dude who played the private investigator. We won the game anyway. They asked Marilyn Monroe questions at one point - too easy.

There is one trivia game company that is doing some promotional thing with a local radio station. And the guy who runs the company is in way over his head - he keeps losing venues every few months. I haven't seen him since before Christmas, but when I do again I'm gonna suggest he hire strippers to read the questions - midget strippers would be preferable - midget lesbian strippers would be awesome.

I was reading movie reviews on some website run by some guy from Chicago. And this whole website is about marching bands and ugly cheerleaders in Illinois and the guy who runs it is fixated on stuff like what makes a rabbit move its legs and punnett squares for some reason. Well he wrote a review of a movie called Inkfart, and after reading it, I had no idea what the movie was about, whether the reviewer liked it or not, and was generally disoriented. I need to see this movie then go reread the review to see if it makes sense then - I'm guessing it still won't. I would link you to his site, but it's designed for teens and I have a feeling the FBI monitors who visits the site and investigates if they are pedophiles. So stay away,- unless you're a pedophile, then by all means, go ahead.

I saw that interview that Barack Hussein Obama did with a guy on the news the other night and he said he "was screwing it up." And I wondered if Barry knows John L. Smith? And if he doesn't, then he shouldn't steal the guy's catch phrase. (Note: see post about 27 things you must see before you die- it was in mid-December I believe)

I saw that Carol Alt was in Playboy recently and she still looks hot. Mind-numbingly hot.

Get Back Motherfucker-TBFH

The Topcats Might Perform Behind Chicken Wire In Ybor City

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A Groundhog Sees Andie MacDowell's Shadow

I was watching the halftime show during the Super Bowl and the band with Silvio Dante was playing. The third song they played appeared to be an ode to Barack Hussein Obama, as a choir of black folks came out to do backup. The song was awful and I wondered aloud "How many chicken wings have those ladies in that choir had today?" I would put the over/under at 2500.

The first thing the owner of the Steelers said after the En Fuego guy gave him the trophy was "I want to thank Barack Hussein Obama." That made absolutely perfect sense - thanking a guy who married a woman who resembles James Harrison in drag. It may well have been because of Obama that the Cards covered the spread (as predicted in my previous post - the Goldwater Factor was huge). All relevant info pointed to the Cards covering. And they did. I hope everyone made money on the game - except J.

I gave up a long time ago watching any NFL pregame shows. The guys on those shows did generally play and/or coach in the league, so they have some insight or something I guess. But, they have proven to be terribly clueless when it comes to what's really important about the NFL - predicting who might win a game and why and most importantly by how many points. When it comes to that stuff, you're better off asking a pants-less retard fixated on auto-felatio. You really are. The only reason to tune in to any pregame show ever is to get late breaking injury updates - and injuries can often be over analyzed vis a vis wagering decisions - so, for the imbecilic, typical gambler - it's probably best to ignore pregame shows all together and just keep watching Internet midget/cripple people porn until it's time to head to the sports bar for Sunday Ticket.

I did notice on the postgame show that NBC had Matt Millen (and about 30 other guys) doing commentary. And I said aloud "Are people in Detroit throwing their artificial limbs, dentures, and crack pipes at their TV's?"

My man Mike Phelps had a picture of himself using a bong printed in a London paper over the weekend. Now the picture was evidently taken at a party in South Carolina last fall - and it just goes to show how far the world has come technologically speaking - they have camera phones in South Carolina now - Jesus, who knew? You can't blame Phelps for that one.

I was at a bar about an hour into the game last night and a mangy looking guy was sitting next to me. He was there by himself and he ordered 2 shots of Crown. He drank one and poured the other on his right hand. I assumed he was pretty messed up. About 10 minutes passed and he ordered 2 more shots of Crown and proceeded to do the same thing. I said to him - "I'm sure I'll regret asking you this, but why are you wasting a perfectly good shot by pouring it over your right hand?" He said "Man, I'm trying to get my date for the night drunk enough to have sex with me."

Today is Groundhog Day and I don't really pretend to understand it at all - but I think it has something to do with if a groundhog in Pennsylvania sees his shadow then Andie MacDowell will let you in her hole for six weeks.

I always thought Feb. 2nd was important because it's on this day in 1979 that Sid Vicious overdosed. We're so pretty, oh so pretty, we're vacant.

I was watching this show on TruTV called The Principle's Office and it was really disappointing. I kept waiting for Victoria Principal to seduce some unsuspecting cheerleader and get some hot lesbian schoolhouse action going. But it never happened. Instead, a bunch of pansy principles from all over the northeast talk about their feelings with retarded, and badly dressed, 15 year old kids who just farted in class. I kept thinking - When the hell is Geilfuss coming on here?