I was out last night with some folks I work with - math experts mostly (me, I'm not an expert at anything) - and several folks who work for our vendor were there as well. The vendor people were taking us out for some really pointless reason. So, all the folks there were women except for me. And they are all 50 plus year-olds. And they got a couple of rounds of drinks in them - which in my experience is a recipe for disaster in a semi-business setting. After the 2nd round of drinks settled in, the ladies talk turned slightly bawdy. And I'm thinking - Fuck. One of the ladies who works for our vendor is named Karen and she's pushing 60 I would guess. Her hairstyle is right out of about 1967. And for some reason she tells us about how her 2 grown sons live with her and she has this rule about no girls sleeping over with them. And then she describes how when they break this rule, she walks right into their bedroom and says things like "You know having this girl in your bed is not what I want." Or something like that. So, that was weird to hear, but not so terrible. Then this Karen talks about how she really isn't a prude, but rules are rules or something. Then she said one of the more disturbing things I've heard in a long time. To prove her point about not being a prude, she says "When I was 53, I had a torrid 3 month affair with a 28 year old." And I pushed my chair back, stood up, and said "That's it for me. I'm going out to smoke." And I did. What this proves is - never get loaded with people who are your clients. Now, every time I see this Karen, all I'll think about is her big ass bent over, bouffant hair all mussed, and some faceless 28 year old plowing her from the rear. And that's not good.
I was out at The Charred Pork Bucket the other night for trivia and I'm sitting next to the old drunk guy. Then this question comes up about who wrote some Caldicott winning book called Black and White. No one had any idea. About a minute passed and the old drunk guy took a gulp of his Scotch, leaned over to me, and said "It must be some random nigger." And I said "Dick, do you realize how patently offensive that sounds?" And he said "Who gives a fuck." We didn't get the answer right. But we won the game anyway. They asked something about putting three women in order oldest to youngest (Mrs. Barack Hussein Obama, Shania Twain, and Felicity Huffman) - and that's too easy.
Andy's sister Mary has been lured or duped into volunteering to run some book club for like 10-12 year old girls. And Mary is an extremely good person - except toward Ross and Geilfuss of course - so she was telling everyone at trivia last night about how she had to go and buy the book so she could properly run this book club discussion. I asked "What book are they reading?" She said "It's the American Girl's Guide to ..." And before she could finish I said "Guide to Anal Lubing?"
Also, at last night's trivia this question comes up about what college or university plays at an arena nicknamed The Pit. And Gielfuss says "Pittsburgh?" I don't think he was joking. Apparently, I was the only person in the entire bar who knew the answer (which is ridiculous - doesn't everyone remember the 1983 NCAA Championship game?). Later on, Keith asks something about what kind of fur comes from some animal named the coypu and I said "Trim?" We won the game anyway.
Andy, Geilfuss, and I went into the Moo Latto later last night and were enjoying a couple pitchers of indiscriminate light beer and watching the Florida State/BC game and these dudes come into the bar wearing those Snuggie things you see on TV all the time. They looked like poor men's Jedi Knights. I kept lamenting the fact that none of them were brothers, because I wanted so badly to scream "My man Mace Fucking Windu." Alas... Also, these Snuggies - aren't they nothing more than a robe worn backward?
I was out at some bar last Friday afternoon around 4 and right across the street there is this place called Adam & Eve. And I had never been in the place before, but it's a chain that sells sex toys and lingerie. So, I noticed a steady stream of women going in and out of this Adam & Eve over the next hour and a half. And all the ladies going in there were somewhere between slightly heavy and Beck-worthy big. So, I turned to the bartender (she was quite svelte herself and fairly not awful to look at) at some point and I said "Why is it only bigger ladies are going into that sex store?" She said "I've noticed that most of them are bigger as well. I think it's because they need to get all slutted up to seduce a man. Whereas girls like me don't." And I'm not sure if that's accurate or not. But here's what I did next. I drank my Magic Hat, walked across Spring Garden, went straight into the Adam & Eve and yelled "Show me the biggest pair of crotchless panties you have." One of the clerks said "We're all out of 4X honey." And I said "I'll be damned. Have any of the babes buying the size 4X crotchless panties mentioned my man Beck?" The clerk said "No, but a lot of them mention Joe Biden." And that made sense too. I said to the clerk "Chope is certainly alive here." Then I walked out, went back across Spring Garden, sat back down at the bar, ordered rock-gut Bourbon, downed it, and contemplated the very meaning of life itself for a good 3 seconds. Then I got bored of that and asked the bartender if she ever fucked a guy in the back room. She said "Not yet today." Then things really heated up. I'm not a good person.
Number 1, I order you to go take a #2. - TBFH
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