I got on some site called Faceshit the other day. What they do is lure people in with hopes of connecting to folks from their past. So, I was lured - ever so briefly and blah, blah, blah...I found out that a guy I went to school with in like 9th and 10th grade is now a woman. He had his penis removed - seriously. He now goes by the name Electric Boogie Woman or something. And I attended one of his two weddings back in December 1991 in Johnson City, Tennessee (never go to the Ryan's Steakhouse there - I'm guessing I'm still banned). I remember that the Niners were playing the Chiefs that day (how I remember that is disturbing). So, I'm down in Tennessee with Brad and Todd and we are going to this guy's wedding. And we decided to get hammered before the wedding - so we start in with the White Russians several hours ahead of the nuptials - which was an awesome decision. We drive over to this chapel on the campus of some born-again christian university and go inside and sit down. Then we started to laugh. I mean laugh uncontrollably throughout the whole thing. They had a woman sing who had to weigh 450 lbs. and she sang poorly. Then the bride walks out and we could tell it was the first time she had ever wore a dress in her life. Luckily, I had my flask with me - it came in handy. So this girl is maybe 5 ft tall and really skinny. And she had a mullet - a Billy Ray Cyrus mullet. And over the mullet she was wearing a sweatband - seriously. And she was wearing Converse sneakers (I don't recall if they were Chuck Taylor's or not) - seriously. And she was laughing as she walked down the aisle and kicking up her feet like a Nazi soldier goose-stepping into Paris on June 14, 1940. And did I mention that she had the body type of a 12 year old boy? An ugly 12 year old boy, but nonetheless...So the 3 of us are really laughing - although to be honest I was laughing the hardest - I honest to god fell on the floor crying from laughing so hard and the poor bride's grandmother did not appreciate that at all. Finally, the I do's ended and some guy with a too thin mustache sings something and everyone files into the basement of this chapel for a reception. Only there is no booze being served and massive amounts of little cocktail wienies are floating around. We didn't stay long. And that was this guy's first wedding - the guy who has become Electric Boogie Woman. They were married about 6 months I think. The whole thing was annulled. Then our friend took up with his EMT partner and it was when he was married to his EMT partner that he told me something I'll never forget "_____, once you've gone fat, you'll never go back." And I have to say that I was never sure if he was right about that. But when I saw his profile on Faceshit, I felt relieved because what he should have told me was this "_____, once you've gone fat, you'll cut off your penis, become a fat bisexual, and go by the name Electric Boogie Woogie Woogie." And I won't even get into exactly what happened at the Ryan's Steakhouse after the wedding that Saturday in December 1991 in Johnson City, Tennessee - but I will say this - it involved throwing cheap steaks at big country girls. And that's something at least.
Another time, Todd and I were out at Plank's Bier Garten in German Village with this he/she guy mentioned above. And we ordered an extra large pizza with the works (the pizza there is awesome). And the server brought it out. Then Todd and I both ate a piece and were chatting about the horrible band there playing Skynyrd covers. About 4 minutes passed. We look down at the pizza and it's all eaten. This Electric Boogie Bisexual had scarfed the whole thing down. And I said "I'll be damned." And I'm guessing I will be.
I went into the Men's Room today and there was an Avon catalog on top of the toilet. And, don't worry - I didn't touch it. But I wondered how sick some guy must be to beat off at work while staring plaintively at models in an Avon catalog.
I was watching a show last night about finding America's most competent karaoke singer and it wasn't very interesting. But there was a guy on there who looked like a member of Al Qaeda and was singing some awful soul song. And I said "Well, chope strikes again." And then there is this panel of people who critique each karaoke singer on this show. And one of them used to play bass with Journey - so you can't take him seriously at all. And another judge was the lady in that video with MC Scat Kat and that video is so pitiable - and the lady looks like she gave too much head to Emilio Estevez because I didn't know what she was talking about. She kept saying to the karaoke contestants "You just need to be yourself." And I kept thinking "Huh?" There was some English dude on this panel as well and someone needs to tell him to look into investing in some T-Shirts.
Someone asked me a question about 3 years ago and it was this: "Are you pulling for that Mormon chick or Soul Patrol?" And I wasn't quite sure what the point of the question was but said "I always pull for the Mormons." And that's generally true - I often bet on BYU.
If you want someone to blame, throw a rock in the air, you'll hit someone guilty. - TBFH
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