If The Mayans Are Right, Run Up A Huge Bar Tab Tonight

Wouldn't it be tough to land down a chimney in those shoes?

The yuletide season is getting closer and closer. Maybe. Today, as many news outlets have been reporting for months on end, is, according to Mayan lore, the end of the world. I'm not sure what time it's all gonna come to an end today. But I sincerely hope I have a large tab open at some awful dive bar at the time. Although to be honest, I rarely have a large tab open anywhere. And tonight I'm stopping in 2 more places for 2 more Christmas parties. That means people will be handing me shots like there really is no tomorrow. More than likely, I won't have to pay for any of them. I rarely do. My tab is generally like $8-$12 no matter what. I guess it's the one perk to so many barflies finding me entertaining. I have no idea.

Speaking of Mayan lore, I don't think many folks really know that much about the Mayan civilization. I count myself among them. All I know is that if you go to Guatemala you can see Mayan ruins. I'm never going to Guatemala. So, I'm never going to see the ruins. I also know that those pesky Spanish conquistadors tried to colonize Mayan territory. Other than those 2 facts, I've got nothing for you, as Jeff Probst would say on that CBS show where that tax cheat ran around naked back in 2000 while Kelly Wiglesworth looked on in horror. The Mayans are getting lots of attention today. But I suspect if the world doesn't end sometime today, they'll be ridiculed and forgotten. As if they were ever remembered by most folks anyway. It's all pretty silly.

Also, Mark Titus made an excellent point in his weekly college hoop column on ESPN's generally horrible website. If the world does end today, the Duke Blue Devils will be the #1 team in the country. That fact almost makes me wish the world will end within the next 12 hours. If there's one source of evil that can only be stopped by the end of the world, it's gotta be Coach K.

Speaking of Duke, a few years ago, right on this very blog, I touted Mason Plumlee as a potentially exceptional player. And I'll be damned, but I was right again. The uneducated and stupid typical Duke fans have long expressed disdain for Plumlee and his perceived underachievement during his career in Durham. Now? He's probably the 2nd best big man in college hoops behind my man Doug McDermott at Creighton. That kid is lights out from 3.

I know I promised more college bowl write-ups. So, I'm gonna follow through on that right now. I'm 2&1 so far. Those damn Aztecs were horrible in the 4th quarter last night, as they went strip 6, fumble, pick 6, and pick on 4 straight offensive possessions after leading 6-3 with 12:45 left. Alas, they lost by 17...

Beef O'Brady's Bowl - Ball St (+7) vs UCF - St Petersburg, FL 7:30 tonight. I've been rolling with the boys from Muncie for over 2 months now. They've been on fire. They run the football efficiently and have a decent QB who uses play action quite well. I can't see why UCF would be all that excited to play in this game. Plus, who is Beef O'Brady? He sounds like a pervert pushing hamburger patties on young boys. I'm taking the points with the Cardinals.

New Orleans Bowl - ECU (+5) vs Louisiana Lafayette - New Orleans, LA Noon Saturday. I love the Pirates chances at an outright win. They haven't won a bowl game yet under my man Ruffin McNeill, but this should be their time. The Ragin Cajuns are not 5 points better than the Pirates. I guess the point spread is so off due to LA Lafayette playing in their home state. But I don't expect a home field advantage of any significance. ECU ended the season playing really well on offense the past 6 or 7 games. This is my top pick for the weekend's bowl action.

Maaco Las Vegas Bowl - Washington vs Boise (-5) - Las Vegas, NV 3:30 Saturday. Boise's defense was about as tough as usual this year. On offense, remember they had to replace a 4 year starter at QB (Kellen Moore) and a kid who has gained over 1,000 yards as a rookie for the City of Tampa (The Muscle Hamster himself, Doug Martin). The new QB, one Joe Southwick, has played well recently. One big edge for Boise in this one is that Huskies QB Keith Price has been running for his life behind a terrible offensive line. I expect more of that. Did you see the Huskies implode against Washington State in their last game (up 27-10 late in the 3rd)? That was largely due to Price getting battered by a weak Cougar defense. Imagine what the Broncos should be able to accomplish. The other big edge is coaching. Boise has one of the 5 best in college football. Washington has a  position coach who used to play QB at BYU...

Hawaii Bowl - SMU vs Fresno St (-12) - Aloha Stadium in Honolulu, 8 Monday. Take the Bulldogs. SMU snuck into a bowl after upsetting Tulsa somehow. On paper, the Mustangs are outmatched all over the field. Unless Fresno plays flat for over half the game, they should win comfortably. This is always one of my favorite bowls, because really, what the hell else is there to do on Christmas Eve?

I was gonna write about the almost epically bad football I witnessed last Sunday during the entire day of Sunday Ticket. Did you catch the Chiefs/Raiders game??? Wow! But I gotta run.

And I heard him exclaim as he rode out of sight, Man I shouldn't have hit the pipe so hard...

I was sitting at the old Wing Joint on Battleground Sunday evening watching the Niners/Patsies game, when about 6 minutes into the 1st quarter, NBC cut away from the game and aired a speech by our freshly reelected leader, Barack Hussein Obama. I'm a little embarrassed to admit this, but I had no idea why Barry was making a prime time speech. Luckily for me, Goose was sitting to my left and explained that there was some kind of school shooting that had happened Friday morning in Connecticut and that Barry was probably talking about it. I did wonder how almost 60 hours had passed from when this school shooting occurred until I heard about it (I chalk it up to 2 Christmas parties, college bowl games, college hoops, and Sunday Ticket holding my attention). Anyway, the sound coming from the TV's behind the bar at Wing Joint weren't turned up very loud. So, I was having trouble hearing what Barry was saying about this school shooting. It doesn't really matter what he said, I realize that. Barry, it turns out, does not have the messiah-like power to undo the killing of school kids. But I was a little taken aback when hearing this news, nonetheless. I decided to look into this school shooting and after doing so the last couple days, I've come away with the same thoughts as after every one of these shootings since Eric Harris & Dylan Klebold went on their spree back on Hitler's 110th birthday in 1999. The liberals immediately call for the banning of guns and the right wingers wring their hands about God being taken out of public schools. Blah, blah, blah.

I don't want a gun. I've never had any desire to touch a gun in my life. I've had a gun pointed at my head before though (alas, more than once...). While I have no interest in delving into the specifics of those events, I will say this - it's not such a great feeling when someone is pointing a gun at your head. I wouldn't suggest getting yourself into that situation if you can avoid it. So, I'm no gun nut. And if you really think that banning guns is the right reaction to this shooting, or any of the dozens of other shootings over the years, I can sympathize with the thought. There's a big problem with this idea though. The problem is that there are around 300 million guns floating around the United States. Those guns are private property. The question that all the gun banners have to figure out is this - how would you suggest the federal government go about getting rid of 300 million pieces of private property? That's where things get a little problematic, don't they? The articles you read about banning guns tend to not mention the messy process that would inevitably ensue if all guns were indeed banned by the federal government. Can you picture federal agents going door to door across the country, tearing up every nook of every home, in an attempt to find all 300 million guns? It's an idea reminiscent of Stalinist Russia - and that's not good. Our current leader, Barack Hussein Obama, famously mentioned back in 2008 that many Americans were clinging to guns and religion as crutches in their pitiful lives. He may be right. I have no idea. But if it's true that many tens of millions of Americans are clinging to their guns, don't you think those folks might put up some kind of fight when the federal government swings by the house to seize their private property?

After reading a little about the particular shooter in this particular school shooting, one Adam Lanza, the first thing that struck me was how he looked strikingly similar to the aforementioned Eric Harris. As far as the rest of his story, some of it is predictable - painfully shy, loved violent video games, didn't seem to have many friends, etc. But one part of this story as opposed to the other school shooters is different. Adam Lanza was the son of a millionaire executive who lived in an extremely affluent part of the country. A part of the country where elite liberals flourish. The media will no doubt paint this kid's mom to be a nut over the coming days and weeks. They'll have to blame her for this kid's actions. Because the folks who hang out in the swanky areas of the country like Newtown, CT won't be able to fathom that their picture perfect progressive community might have in any way helped shape whom young Mr Lanza became. When school shootings happen in Blacksburg, VA or Kentucky or Colorado, eastern elitists can pass it off with a dismissiveness similar to the comment Barry made about the losers in the rest of America who cling to their guns. We're all rubes and whatnot in many of these folks' eyes. But this time it's happened right in one of their own strongholds. They can't just shrug it off by saying, "You know those barbarians in _____? What can you do about them?" That line of thought doesn't wash in this case, unless you paint this kid's mother as a wacko way out of the norm for the cozy confines of suburban Connecticut. And that's what will happen.

A few years ago, when that Uncle Fester looking kid broke bad out in Arizona and tried to kill Gabrielle Giffords and did kill a number of bystanders at a local political rally, many folks suggested that more needs to  be done for the mentally disturbed in our society. I mentioned at the time, that while a nice thought (somewhat like this gun banning idea), it's very problematic when you try and put it in practice. Was Adam Lanza deranged? It's very likely, yes. But what should be done with young folks who some view as mentally ill? Should the government take them somewhere so there's no chance they'll hurt anyone? Should the government do this even if said person has no arrest record and been no threat to anyone in their life? Again this whole idea smacks of stuff that was done in Stalinist Russia or Orwellian novels. It's a very slippery slope.

As far as the 20 little kids who were killed by Mr Lanza, I was reminded again of one of the many reasons I have never had any interest in being a parent. Within seconds of hearing the news that your 5 or 6 year old had been murdered, there would be absolutely no reason to go on in life. None that I can think of.

I'll get back to the normal silliness next time.

Those Baffling Christmas Lyrics

Fully Prepared For Frightful Weather

I was sauntering through a local store recently and that pesky Christmas music was playing on the audio system in the place. One of the lyrics to one of these tunes really struck me hard. It went something like this, "The weather outside is frightful..." At the time it was about 70 degrees in the Gate City. In other words, the weather was anything but frightful. Who comes up with this garbage??? The lyric should have gone, "The weather outside in unseasonably warm..." The problem with that is that it's pretty difficult to rhyme anything with warm. Maybe it could have gone, "The weather outside is unseasonably warm, but in Greensboro that's sometimes the norm." I can't come up with anything better than that. Maybe, "The weather outside is unseasonably warm, but it's still chilly in the coed dorm." I'm guessing the writer of this Holiday classic found it easier to rhyme using the word "frightful" as opposed to "warm." I have no idea. But these Christmas music writers sure do seem to take the easy way out when it comes choosing words to rhyme with. That same song went on to say, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow." Now that's just pure insanity. I'm not claiming that I have the god-like power to stop snow. Or make it snow. Or whatever. But for someone to go ahead and give in and just say, "Let it snow, let it snow, let it snow" is deranged. People here in Greensboro are notoriously shitty drivers in bad weather (and generally shitty drivers in perfect conditions as well...) and for someone to hope it snows and snows and snows is really sick. What you're basically saying at that point is that you wish for massive vehicular tragedy - not exactly in tune with the supposed theme of Christmas. You know, all that peace on earth and good will toward man silliness. These damn Christmas songs.

I checked on the old Faceshit here recently and saw some pictures of Geilfuss wearing a bow tie and black tuxedo vest. It took me a minute to figure out the context of what I was seeing. At first, I thought Geilfuss had maybe dressed up like a penguin for some kind of gag party. And then I saw a few more photos of the affair where Geilfuss was so nattily attired. And everything became clear to me. Geilfuss was at a wedding. To be more precise, Geilfuss was at his own wedding. That's right. Geilfuss got hitched!!! You may be wondering who the lucky person was that Geilfuss gave his hand in wedded bliss to. And while I can't be exactly sure, I think Geilfuss married Tyson. Tys was similarly adorned with tuxedo vest and bow tie. So, I put one and one together. I'm not stupid. I hope the two of them have many wonderful hours of happiness before this sham marriage inevitably ends in a drunken fistfight. It should be noted that Andy was in a few of the Faceshit photos at this Geilfuss/Tys wedding deal. And being the good sport that he is, Andy probably agreed to be best man for both Geilfuss and Tys. Andy's that nice a guy. He probably fumbled a bit trying to remember whose ring was in which pocket of his pants. But that's understandable. God knows I've never been asked to be anyone's best man. Hell, I've never been asked to be in a wedding, period. Come to think of it, I haven't been invited to a wedding in 20 years (that would be a disaster waiting to happen, obviously). Anyway, getting back to Andy being best man for both Geilfuss and Tyson at their recent nuptials, I know he did his best. He was probably a bit misty eyed watching two of his lifelong friends finally tie the old knot. I know I got a little choked up when I figured out what was going on in those Faceshit pictures. So, congrats to Geilfuss and Tys. As I said, it won't last long. And the cops will be called nightly for domestic disturbances. But at least the two of them had the courage to take the plunge and give marriage a whirl. Something I can never fathom trying. Bravo!

Speaking of the old Faceshit, I've purged my number of "friends" on the damn site down to 20 (by the way, if anyone is reading this who I've purged from  my "friend" list, don't take it personally, as I'm just an anti-social recluse by nature). Anyway, my buddy Jay is still on my "friends" list and he posted something that caught my eye recently. I should preface this by noting that Jay, while a super nice guy, is an in the bed with Barry socialist. Which is fine, to each his own. Blah, blah, blah...The reason this particular post caught my eye is because it mentioned how unfair it is to ask teachers that make $50,000 a year to take a 20% pay cut while at the same time not forcing millionaires to pay 3% more in federal income tax. As far as at what percentage millionaires should be taxed, reasonable people can disagree on that. If you've read this blog over the past 4 years, you know I think everyone should pay the same federal income tax rate - from millionaire hedge fund managers all the way down to kids who run the fry machine at the corner Burger King. But that's beside the point in relation to this Faceshit post about the unfairness in asking teachers who make $50,000 a year to take a 20% pay cut. I've had the great pleasure to get to know and work with hundreds of teachers over the past 15 years. Teachers in many different states and in many different areas of teaching. Now, I realize that teacher pay varies wildly depending on a given teacher's experience level, school district, etc. But what I can promise you with great certainty, based on thousands of hours working with and around teachers, is that they are not underpaid. In fact, I'd argue a vast majority of them are way overpaid. Way overpaid. If cities, school districts, counties, states, or whoever want to save the taxpayers some dough under these times of tight budgets, I think an across the board 20% pay cut for teachers is a nice place to start. It won't happen though. When I first saw Jay's Faceshit post about this whole teacher pay/millionaire deal, I got a little excited for a fleeting moment hoping that teacher pay really would be cut by 20%. Then I remembered the outrage that would ensue. Then the inevitable demonstrations in cities across the country. And the teacher strikes. When I remembered all that, I giggled. There's no way in hell teachers will have to take a 20% pay cut across the country. That's laughable. But it is a nice pit of propaganda from Jay and his buddies on the left in their never-ending attack against successful folks. I'll give them that.

College football bowl season is upon us once again, one of my favorite times of year. I can't promise to get previews of all 35 games up (not at the rate I've been posting this year - dreadful, I know). But I'll do my best. Here are previews for the 1st two unwatchable games. And by unwatchable, I mean only a few thousand fans of each school will care. Oh, and the degenerate gamblers. Every degenerate gambler in the known world will be watching very closely.

New Mexico Bowl - Saturday at 1 pm, Nevada vs Arizona (-9) total 75 &1/2. As many of you know, I'm a longtime fan of  Chris Ault and the real Wolf Pack from Reno. But their defense is terrible this year. They can't stop the run to save their lives, ranking over 100th in the FBS. Rich Rodriguez has the weapons to exploit Nevada. If the Wildcats come to play with any kind of edge at all, they should put up 40+ points. Nevada can run the football out of the pistol. They should keep things interesting. Expect plenty of points, depending on the weather (it's supposed to snow tomorrow, and be around 40 at kickoff Saturday). I'm not wagering too much at all on this contest.

Famous Idaho Potato Bowl - Saturday at 4:30 pm, Toledo vs Utah St (-10&1/2) total 58. This huge game, honoring french fries and hash browns, will be played on the Smurf Turf in Boise. The one thing I know is that the Aggies can play defense, as they give up only 14 points a game. The Rockets? Not so much. I hate laying double digits in bowl games however. The weather will be about what you'd expect, around 40 degrees. But there's no snow in the forecast. I'm looking at the under here pretty hard. Even if there are some big plays, I don't see 8 touchdowns and a field goal being scored. Plus, Utah St should grind the clock on the ground, limiting possessions.

More games begin next Thursday night in San Diego. I'm sure I'll get a post up by then. But I'll tell all of you now, I like the hometown Aztecs over the Mormons in that one.

Silver Balls, Silver Balls

Christmas Music At A Redneck Bar

Big news this week from the world of sports, as Sports Illustrated named LeBron James its Sportsman of the Year. When I first heard the news, I wondered how SI could give this award to a player from a team that had just lost to the Washington Wizards. But then I realized the award is for the yearlong greatness James displayed. That yearlong greatness continued last night as the Heat got crushed at home to the NY Knicks, by the way. But I digress. James is in some fine company by winning this SI award. A few notable past winners include Pete Rose (tax cheat, terrible gambler, and banned for life from baseball), Joe Paterno (facilitated the raping of children by a buddy of his for decades, oh wait, it was all horseplay...), Tiger Woods (a relentless liar and pursuer of Ambien fueled sex romps with every skank imaginable while married to Jesper Parnevik's nanny), Mark McGwire (cheater, liar, and very poor public speaker to boot), Sammy Sosa (see McGwire, Mark), and Lance Armstrong (who not only carried out one of the biggest frauds ever perpetrated on the American public, but also left his wife for Cheryl Crow after she'd stood by him through his battle with testicular cancer - what a swell guy). Mr James is not yet in the company of these various horrible people, and may never be. Let's hope not anyway. After all, it was James who said, just days after screwing over the city of Cleveland on national television in a sham of a one hour special on ESPN, that the Heat would win "not one, not two, not three, not four, not five not six, not seven" NBA Titles. By my math he's got a ways to go on delivering that promise to the various Cubans and Jews in South Florida. Good luck, Mr James. Of some note is that at the ceremony Sports Illustrated held in New York the other night, standing right next to James, side by side, thick as thieves, was Coach K. I guess Mike Brown, Paul Silas, and Erik Spoelstra, men who coached James in the NBA, weren't good enough to stand next to James as he basked in this extremely awesome honor bestowed by a dying magazine. Coach K did win the same award last year from SI (although he had to share the honor with some demented old lady who coaches girls hoops). So maybe he was there to pass the torch to the newest Sportsman of the Year. I have no idea. What they should have done is invited Sammy Sosa's bleached skin, Peter Edward Rose's tax returns, Lance Armstrong's cancerous testicles, and Joe Paterno's rotting corpse to pose next to James. Now that's a photo I'd enjoy. I'd use it at the top of this blogpost. That's for certain.

As for my athlete of the year, I haven't decided yet. Some name will pop into my head as I write the last blog post of the year later this month. But I'll put my past 3 winners up against SI's any day. Those would be YE Yang (2009), Landon Donovan (2010), and Jimmer Fredette (2011). I've got a feeling another golfer could win it this year. Maybe a kid from Northern Ireland...

Christmas isn't officially for a few more weeks, but I've been seeing signs of it already. Did you know that "every kiss begins with Kay?" Or that you should "get a get a get a Garmin?" All that advertising is nice. I really enjoy it. But the music is even better. I was sitting at one of the worst dive bars known to man Wednesday, a joint called Darunkass in disincorporated Greensboro, with about a dozen rednecks discussing bow hunting and horse power - my kind of guys. I felt a little out of place, seeing as how I was the only guy in the place wearing a sport coat and tie. Anyway, one of the TV's to my left was tuned to CMT. And the sound was up for some reason. A man in chaps was sitting at a high top watching intently. And the station aired Christmas tunes with a country music twist for like an hour. I had a hard time masking my laughter. But I managed to, as I was a little concerned each of the dudes sitting around getting hammered at 4:30  in the afternoon might have a shotgun out in their trucks. But the country music Christmas songs were hilariously awful. My favorite was a version of I'll Be Home For Christmas by Rascal Flatts. I found it amusing because, as I've mentioned before on this blog, I went to school for a year or so with a kid in the group. A kid named Jay Demarcus. And Jay, besides being one of the worst pathological liars I ever met in my life, sings really nasally. So seeing Jay on the old CMT at this redneck dive bar was pretty interesting. I know one thing, if Jay stumbled into Darunkass some afternoon and that same crew I encountered was there, he'd need to stay quiet. Because if he started in with all these wild lies like he did back in 1986, those boys in Darunkass would shoot him dead on the spot. As for me??? I got along so well with the good old boys at Darunkass that they bought me 2 shots. Not that I needed them at 5 in the afternoon. But trust me, these were the types of guys who you don't turn down a shot from. They take that as a personal insult. And me being such a sweet kid, I didn't turn them down. As I hoisted the second shot of Jack back, I said, pretty loudly "to Jeff Davis."

Several folks have asked me about TOSU and their recently completed undefeated season in college football. I watched all their games but one (against Indiana) and I gotta say, they weren't overwhelmingly impressive most of the season. Yes, TOSU went 12 & 0. And that was great and all. But this notion being floated by the typical Buckeye fan that the Associated Press should vote them number 1 is pretty absurd. They'd be hard pressed to beat any team in the top 10 or 12. Not that it couldn't happen. It would just be unlikely. The one team I'd love to see them get a shot at is old Notre Dame. The last time TOSU played the Irish they put up 618 yards of offense and crucified them in the Corn Chip Bowl back in January of 2006. Thanks to my man, the 10. Troy Fucking Smith.

Ho, Ho, Ho

Jittery Falcon Fan Talks A Little Life

I was out the other day at the infamous Kicken Chicken for Sunday Ticket when I ran into a guy I've mentioned before on this blog, yes, Jittery Falcon Fan. He's been in the bar every Sunday this fall, jittery as ever, nervously moving his hands up and down his legs for hours straight. His standard approach to viewing his Falcons remains unchanged - he shows up alone, wearing his fake #33 Turner jersey tucked into black slacks, leeches on to some too friendly group of fans, sips iced tea, and babbles on and on with these retarded factoids to people about the Falcons. In a nutshell, he's still annoying as all hell. I avoided talking to Jittery Falcon fan for over 2 months. Wherever he was in the bar, I stayed away from like the plague. Then the inevitable happened, I found myself sitting next to him Sunday right before kickoff. I wasn't too mean. I actually just nodded my head and mumbled "yeah" as he rattled off these inane stats about Matty Ice and whatnot. But then the conversation turned in a different direction entirely. Jittery Falcon Fan asked if I had any kids. I told my same stale and stupid comeback to that question that I've been using for years, "None that I know of, no." Then Jittery Falcon Fan went on a 5 minute rant about how it's really important to have kids. His rationale was that if you have kids you'll have someone to look after you when you're old and decrepit. I'm not making that up. He informed me that he had 3 kids so that when his body starts to go south, one or more of them would be around as some kind of caregiver or nurse or butler. I got very interested at that point. I wondered what woman would procreate with Jittery Falcon Fan to the tune of 3 offspring. So, me being me, I went ahead and asked where he met his wife or whoever had bore the fruits of his crazy loins. Then Jittery Falcon Fan told me his wife was from the Philippines. And that yes, if I was curious, she was a mail order bride. Instead of laughing uncontrollably, I agreed that it would be tough for someone as socially awkward as him to score some American babe and that I couldn't really fault him for going the mail order bride route. I asked him, right as I got up to go out and smoke, "Did you order her postage due?" I came back in and kickoff was underway at that point. I paid no attention to him, as my focus was squarely on the dark world of 11 to 10 (I had particular interest in City of Tampa against the Bolts). Fast forward about 4 hours to 5 o'clock. I was walking towards the men's room in the main part of the Kicken Chicken, having long since lost contact with Jittery Falcon Fan. Then, in one of the booths, I see him. He is sitting next to an Asian looking fat kid, sharing a plate of the inedible cheese fries that the Chicken specializes in. This Asian looking kid had to weigh 2 bills. Did I mention the youngster couldn't have been more than 10? I was super excited. I got to see Jittery Falcon Fan's flesh and blood, one of the 3 people who will care for him when he's on the proverbial deathbed. I ran back to where I was watching Sunday Ticket (the back bar, same as always) and told Brandon he had to go see what I'd just seen for himself. Brandon ran over to that part of the place fast. When he came back after a minute or two, he said, "Damn, that kid's fat." I begged Brandon to take a picture of Jittery Falcon Fan and his behemoth of a half-Asian son. Alas, Brandon wasn't sure how he would broach the idea to Jittery Falcon Fan of taking the proposed photo. I couldn't come up with one either, which is rare for me. I can generally figure out how to talk anyone into almost anything. So, I wish I had a picture for this post of Jittery Falcon Fan, his enormous kid, and the repulsive looking plate of cheese fries they were sharing. But I don't. And I 'm sorry about that.

Those Pesky White Voters...

Which do you think Paris should have chosen???

I was sifting through more news about the big election that was held earlier in the week, and came across some startling information. At least it was to me. Our freshly reelected leader, Barack Hussein Obama, got clobbered by Willard Mitt Romney among white voters. White dudes who wasted time voting Tuesday voted 62% to 35% for Romney. That's right, barely a third of all the white men who voted chose old Barry. White gals voted similarly, 56% to 42% for Romney. I read a few articles by various lefty leaning columnists that used this data to assert that white voters are racist scum. I'm sure some white voters are, but all of them? Even a majority of them? I find that a little hard to believe. What these same columnists fail to mention is that black folks voted for Barry 24 to 1 (96%). Using the same logic, these columnists would have to come to the conclusion that black voters are vastly more racist than white voters. Something that isn't true either. When political pundits throw out that cliche about America being a deeply divided country, is this incredible racial gap in voting pattens what they are talking about? Maybe it should be. I know a number of white folks who voted for our dear friend Barry. They are genuinely liberal for some irrational reason that has always escaped my limited mental faculties. But some of them are pretty good friends of mine too. I hope they don't think a vote against Barry meant that the person casting it was a David Duke supporter. I know many more folks who would never, under any circumstance, not for a second, consider voting for any candidate the Democrat Party ever nominated. Not Barry, or Kerry, or Albert Arnold Gore. That has nothing to do with race. They simply disagree with the Democrat Party. And to paint all of those folks as racists, as folks like Michael Moore, Bill Maher, and most everyone at the MSNBC and Comedy Central are doing, is just wrong.

I mentioned in the last post that I won a little wager on the election, taking Romney -1.5% here in North Carolina. Not only did Romney win here, but the GOP managed to gain control of both houses of the NC State legislature & the Governorship for the 1st time since, hell I don't even know how long, maybe Reconstruction. So, as I was looking through the Faceshit earlier, I noticed a number of my liberal Faceshit friends here in the Old North State were expressing delight with the election results. Which puzzled me greatly. I'm not sure how delighted liberals could be to have Republicans in complete control of the state government. Maybe they like Pat McCrory, but I doubt that...

I was gonna write something about a recent occurrence at a local dive bar, but I gotta run today. I'm going to see The Who tonight & I need to start pre-gaming. Pete Fucking Townshend.

A Barry Awesome Election Night

Just a friendly polling place reminder of who our messiah is...

I'm not sure how many folks were aware of this, and I sure as hell wasn't until last night, but Roseanne Barr ran for president. She really did. Roseanne, the TV icon best known for her breathtaking rendition of the National Anthem at a San Diego Padres game in the 90's, managed to come in 6th place last night. I'm not making that up. About 50,000 voters chose Roseanne Barr to be our next fake leader. I'm guessing I've worked with several of these Roseanne voters over the years, as I've come across many fat women with horrendous singing voices who probably worship her. Granted, she probably would make a poor president. Although she couldn't be much worse than Barry, Mitt, the Libertarian kook, the Socialist kook, and whoever the hell came in 5th...

I wasn't following the big election results too closely last night. I had a much keener interest in what was happening at the Glass Bowl in Toledo, Ohio (and thank you to the boys from Muncie, as Ball State got the outright win). But I was strolling down to the end of the bar every so often where several brothers were watching the returns with bated breath (I'm guessing they weren't pulling for that Mormon). The reason I was doing so was because I had a bet on the election. I ran across some kid at RumbleForeskins last Saturday during college football. One of those tedious political ads came on one of the televisions at one point and I made some snide comment about it. Then I got to talking to this kid about the election. Turns out he was a big Barry lover. A huge Barry lover. As we conversed I expressed my opinion that Willard Mitt Romney would win North Carolina. This kid scoffed at me. I said, "I'm pretty certain. Don't get your hopes up." I thought that would be the end of my little political chat for the afternoon. But this Barry worshipper wouldn't drop it. Finally, the kid offered to bet me on the outcome here in the Tar Heel state. I jumped at that. I even told him I'd give him 1.5%. He jumped at that. We agreed on a $100 wager. I giggled and told Brandon that I was gonna make the easiest hundred bucks anyone has ever made. And I'll be damned, but I was right. Turns out old Mitt won North Carolina by about 2.2% (50.6% to 48.4%). And I wanna thank Mr Romney for doing me this one huge favor as he exits from the public stage and enters the ash heap of history. So, thanks there Willard. After the Obama loving kid took off from the bar, I asked the chick who helps my man Tommy out on Saturday afternoons if she knew the kid and did she think he's good for the dough. She said that the Barry fanatic is in the joint quite often and that he would pay up. I'll stop in Rumbles Saturday as always and see if the kid is in there. My guess is, being an Obama voter, the kid will try and pay me in food stamps...

Another interesting thing about the big election yesterday is that our dear leader, one Barack Hussein Obama, got about 8 million fewer votes this time around compared to the halcyon days of "chope" back in 2008. Barry received over 66 million votes last time and only 58 million votes this time. Where were all his people? We know only 50,000 of them voted for Roseanne Barr. What the hell happened to the rest? I would speculate that many of those 8 million voters from 2008 have either become disillusioned with Barry or they're in the can somewhere...

I also saw where half the people who showed up to vote, and you know who you are you poor suckers, blamed the dismal economic news that's crippled this country during Barry's awesome tenure, on old W. These folks gave Barry a pass for his failed turn in the old throne of power. Very interesting rationale there. Then again, no one ever went broke banking on the ignorance of the American voter. Kudos to Barry there. He successfully banked on sheer stupidity to get another try in assuming the position of power. I wish Barry and his merry band of socialist misfits the best the next term. And just think, 4 years from now, if I'm still alive somehow, I can write all about Joe Biden's landslide victory. Those will be great days. Tremendous fucking days indeed. I can't wait for that shit...

The Election Forecast

Somewhere, Heath Ledger Is Not Happy

The big silly election is just days away now. And I can't believe what I'm about to write, but Willard Mitt Romney has a very good chance of winning. Something unthinkable to me just a month ago. I have spent a number of hours this week looking into polling data in a number of key states. The fact is that Romney could get over 290 electoral votes. Even more incredible is this - Romney could win even if he loses Ohio. I'm not saying Romney will win. But it is somewhat likely. Somehow. Putting my general disdain for both candidates aside when looking at the numbers, here is how Willard Mitt Romney could become the 45th POTUS. If you start with all the states John Sidney McCain won in 2008 and assume all of them will go to Romney, a very safe assumption I might add, he has 180. He only needs 90 more to get to 270. The first thing that has to happen is easy enough, Romney needs to win back Indiana and North Carolina. That's 26 electoral votes right there. Romney then needs 64 more. It's looking like there's a great chance Romney will win Florida and Virginia from Barry. That's 42 electoral votes. Romney only needs 22 more. And he could get them a number of ways. These are the states in play in my opinion - Ohio (18 votes), Wisconsin (10 votes), Colorado (9 votes), Iowa (6 votes), and New Hampshire (4 votes). Romney could get those last 22 even if he loses Ohio. It would be unlikely, but it could happen. Amazing...

I haven't paying any attention to the actual campaign. It's more unwatchable than a Sun Belt football game between the FIU Golden Panthers and the FAU Owls (a game that will be played later this month by the way - set your DVR accordingly). This campaign has been depressingly stupid for months. Not that I expected better. These "debates" they held were farces. They weren't debates. They featured 2 terrible debaters screaming nonsense at each other and the poor folks in the audiences. The Vice-Presidential debate at least had a high level of humor thanks to Joe Biden foaming at the mouth while trying to keep his medically enhanced boner in his pants. The only candidate of the 4 that came out of this process looking respectable was the kid from Wisconsin. Barry, Mitt, & Joe are sad in various ways. No matter what happens I think the sentiment among reasonable people is that at least it will all be over. No more hearing, "I'm Barry Obama and I approved these vicious lies." Or "I'm Mitt Romney and I approved coming across like the most liberal Republican to run for president since Richard Milhous Nixon." At least we can get back to endless commercials featuring Lebron James hawking cell phones.

And please remember this, this is actually important, whoever wins next week, it's not the end of the world. I don't vote. Why would I waste a perfectly nice Tuesday evening voting??? But if I did vote, my premise for voting Romney would be as follows: the guy in there now has epically failed, now Romney might also epically fail, but he might not. Why vote for a proven failure when the other fella might do better??? It's a sad way to decide a president, I'll grant you that. But it would be the most compelling reason to vote for Romney. Because on his own merits, there is little compelling about Romney. He seems like a bit of a douche, to be honest. Now, if our dear friend Barry does win reelection, don't get upset. It's not worth your effort. Why? Because seconds after claiming victory, Barry will be a lame duck. He'll be fighting with John Boner and his crew same as ever. Nothing will change, just 4 more years of misery for everyday folks. There's always that to look forward to. Good times...

On a lighter note, did you know that the Washington football team of the NFL will decide this election on Sunday afternoon against Cam Newton? It's true. Every election since 1940, if the Washington professional football team wins their final home game before the presidential election, the party in power stays in power. When they lose their final home game before the election, the other party swoops into power. I'm guessing Willard Mitt Romney will be the biggest Cam Newton fan in the world Sunday afternoon...

Sorry for the lack of posts here recently. I've been super busy getting ready for basketball season, both NBA and college. That and having a very middling year betting on football thus far. Alas, ...

Orioles Magic

I don't know how many folks follow baseball anymore. It seems to be less and less relevant every year to the average American. And that's fine. As many of you know, I grew up in the middle of Ohio in a little town of right around a million people called Columbus. I was a die hard Cincinnati Reds fan as a result. I would sit and listen to the games on the radio just about every night when I was a kid. I'd pick up 700 WLW out of the Queen City and hear my man Marty Brennaman and the old lefthander Hamilton Joe Nuxhall call the games. This was back before every game was on TV. Way before that. When I moved to North Carolina in 1997 it became much more difficult to follow the Reds on a daily basis. But I kept up as best I could through 15 seasons with no postseason appearances. Then 2 years ago the Reds finally broke through and won the NL Central. They then proceeded to get no hit by Roy Halladay and then swept right out of the playoffs in the 3 games. It was certainly anti-climactic, to say the least. And a little depressing. Well, here we are again. The Reds are back in the postseason. They play a best of 5 series with the Giants beginning tomorrow evening in San Francisco. I'm not getting my hopes up too high. We'll see what happens. At least they have a chance. After going so long with no hope, the Reds have resurrected themselves like a phoenix rising from Arizona, to quote Frank Costanza.

I bring all that up in this context, the Baltimore Orioles are back in the playoffs for the first time in 15 years. I had the opportunity to live in the Baltimore area off and on for about 33 months from January 2007 to October 2009. I got to know many die hard O's fans during that time. Many of them are friends of mine. You can scroll through posts on this blog and find a number of pictures taken across the street from Camden Yards at Sliders. The pictures generally involve Geilfuss making an ass of himself or Andy sporting his Jesus Hates The Yankees t-shirt. Those were always fun times. I went to a number of games during my time in the Charm City. We'd sit in the seats just beyond the left field wall. Of note is the fact that the O's lost only 1 game of all those I attended (I'm sure that's a fluke considering how bad they were, but it's a true fluke nonetheless). The sense I got sitting amongst O's fans on those nights was that they were desperate to pull for a winner. I often thought "these people love the O's." And over time, I wanted so badly for those long suffering Baltimore fans to have something positive to get behind, something to feel good about, something to be excited about all summer and into autumn. And this year it's finally happened. I've spent many an evening the past 5 months or so at some awful bar watching the O's on one TV and the Reds on another. I always request that Cincinnati be on the TV to the right, because if there's one thing we know it's that Ohio is way more to the right politically than many of the loony lefties in Maryland. Bartenders have occasionally asked me why it's important to have the Reds on a TV to the right and the O's on one to the left. I never explain. They'd think I was nuts. Anyway, as I've watched the Orioles this season, I've been amazed at how well they play in 1 run games. They won them over and over. Timely hits from sometimes the most unlikely of heroes has been commonplace. Hell, Baltimore has won 16 straight extra inning games. Amazing. Orioles Magic.

Tonight the O's draw the Texas Rangers in a one game sudden death "playoff." On paper the Rangers have virtually every edge. I won't bore anyone with the specifics of why that is. But the game won't be played on paper. I like the O's chances. A lot. Let me tell you why. Now, I don't believe for a second in karma or what goes around comes around bullshit. That's all hippie nonsense. But I do remember a ballgame in August of 2007. It was a Tuesday night. The O's were playing the 1st of a doubleheader against, you guessed it, the Texas Rangers. I was out at some Italian restaurant in Linthicum Heights with my buddy and colleague Paul Katula. As we sat down we noticed the TV in the corner of the bar had the O's game on. They were losing badly. I think it was like 11 to 3. Over the next 90 minutes the Rangers kept scoring and scoring and scoring. It ended up 30 to 3. One of the worst ass kickings in the history of the known world. Later that night I was at a trivia game in that same area and ran into Andy (we had yet to join forces in the dark world of pointless trivia competitions at that point). I remember asking him, "Did you see that shit?" He said something like, "Horrifying." We moved on to other chit chat at that point. But, I think there's an important lesson to be learned from that brief exchange Andy & I had over 5 years. And that's this - horrifying can be undone. And it can be undone tonight. All I'll say to close is this - I am betting the O's. I will be pulling as hard for a baseball team as I've ever pulled not named the Cincinnati Reds. Orioles Magic.

And if it doesn't happen? Remember, next season is only 6 months away...

The Last Ounce Of Courage Steals Your Last Ounce Of Dignity

Last Saturday at RumbleForeskins for college football, talk turned yet again to good old Horseplay U. This time in a sightly unique context. During Saturdays, Rumbles runs specials on gourmet hot dogs. For 3 bucks you can get a Pizza Dog, Chicago Dog, Carolina Dog, and more. I think there are like 10 or 12 options. I've had the Pizza Dog myself a few times over the years and it's edible, whatever that's worth. With that in mind, a conversation got started between Tommy, the bartender, and a number of the barflies/degenerate gamblers that swarm the joint each Saturday in the fall. Tommy, as I've mentioned before, hails from Alabama. He wears Bear Bryant attire each Saturday afternoon, right down to Bryant's signature Houndstooth hat. Tommy says to me, "What would be on a Bear Bryant Dog?" I responded that it would be soaked in Bourbon. Tommy then asks, "How about a Milosevic Dog?" I said it would come with vodka and a side of genocide. He then asks, "How about a Penn State Dog?" It didn't take me long to come up with an answer. I said, "Oh that's easy. There would just be a little chili on the tip of one end." And that did it. Several barflies spit out whatever libation they were currently consuming. Tommy said, "I should never have asked you that. You are a terrible person." Which is true, by the way. But can you imagine engaging your taste buds with a Penn State Dog? A raw wiener with just a dab of chili on one tip? Doesn't that make your stomach churn in horror?

I ran into my buddy Phil Sunday afternoon before Sunday Ticket got started. He showed me something on his phone that was astounding. And something that many of you will think is poetic justice or just desserts or whatever. Phil said that earlier in the week he was trying to dial his Mom. Her phone number contains 669 in it. Well, instead of entering 669, Phil typed in 666. Yes, the number of the beast from the old Bible. And guess who comes up in his phone when he types in 666. That's right, my name. That's close to scientific proof that I may indeed be, as many of you have long suspected, the devil himself...



The only good thing about Last Ounce Of Courage

 In Tuesday's super post on this blog, I mentioned the film Last Ounce Of Courage. It caught my attention because it received a 0% fresh rating on Rotten Tomatoes. I promised to go see this epic myself. And I did. I watched it yesterday at Regal Cinema by Friendly Center. Turns out, I had a private screening. I was the only person in the theater for the 4:05 showing. I'm glad nobody else was in there, because I was laughing at it throughout. It's gonna be difficult to describe what I saw, as I'm not a movie reviewer by trade. But I'll give it a shot. And whatever you do, trust me that what I'm describing is accurate. Because the last thing you want to do is endure the movie firsthand, only to find out that it's as bad as I said it was. The movie centers on old guy named Bob Revere. Bob is a pharmacist by trade. He's also the mayor of a small town called Mt. Columbus, located somewhere in the Rockies. Bob has troubles though. He son died in some unnamed war 14 years before the movie is set. His daughter-in-law has run out of town with his grandson, Christian. Yes, Christian Revere. I'm not making that up. Bob is hurting. You can see the pain in his eyes from grief and whatnot. His wife stands around looking at him with a forlorn face. Then the long lost daughter-in-law and grandson show up and move in with Bob and his wife on Thanksgiving. Christian, the grandson, is eager to learn more about his dead father. He rummages through a chest with old videotapes of his Dad and demands to watch them. Bob lets him. This causes 14 years of repressed feelings to float up in Bob. Meanwhile, as mayor, Bob laments that Jesus Christ has largely been removed from public displays during Christmastime. He watches Bill O'Reilly and learns that secular liberals are trying to outlaw Christmas. He gets angry. He decides to put up tons of Christmas decorations all over town. He even gets this Christmas tree and puts it up by town hall. The tree is bigger than the one in Rockefeller Center. Well, Bob's actions piss off some liberal group in DC. There's a gentleman named The Hammer, an Al Sharpton type played by Bill Williamson, who calls and threatens action against Bob if the Christmas stuff is not removed. That's the premise of the film. Bob has to deal with those damn liberals as well as come to grips with his feelings about his son's death, his grandson being around, his daughter-in-law, and, I forgot to mention this, the fact his daughter ran out on the family and hasn't been heard from in decades (don't worry, she shows up at the end of the movie). You can see the ending coming about 20 minutes into the movie. And it doesn't disappoint. As ridiculous as the premise is, the resolution is one of the stupidest, most implausible, poorly acted, poorly written, poorly directed, pieces of crap I have ever seen. Where the folks who came up with this idea that Christmas is disappearing from public in America is baffling. I went to the Christmas tree lighting in downtown Greensboro just a few years ago. There were thousands of people there. Bob and The Hammer get into these "debates" several times in the movie that center on this notion that there are liberals actively trying to destroy Christmas. Now, maybe there are some. But they aren't doing a very good job of destroying it. The political aspect of the movie is unwatchable as a result. Eventually Bob gets fired as mayor by the City Council after all the pressure from The Hammer. The huge Christmas tree is knocked over like that statue of Saddam Hussein. Then there's a silly Christmas miracle as folks wake up to the fact that Christmas is being stolen from them. Bob erects a cross on a building and gives an impassioned speech. Blah, blah, blah. Folks love him and the nasty liberals have been vanquished. On the personal side of things, young Christian comes to love his grandfather and fight against the local school banning Christmas. There's a whole part of the movie that involves the school Christmas pageant. Only since Christ has been banned from school, the show revolves around a space opera that's parallel to the story in the Bible surrounding Christ's birth. This part of the movie is even dumber than the part about Christmas being driven underground by liberals. Christian and 7 or 8 other tweens hatch a plan to high jack the Christmas show and put on the nativity story from the Bible. The plan is asinine. But it works!!! And at the end of the show, Christian has this screen come down on the stage and this A/V nerd play one of those videotapes I mentioned from that trunk with his Dad's stuff in it. The videotape Christian plays is the one of his father dying in combat. Really. His Mom is in the audience and everyone starts crying before they start standing one by one saluting. Bob isn't in the audience for the show. He'd been hauled off to jail for erecting that cross I mentioned. What law he was breaking was unclear to me. But Bob did get to hear the performance on a little transistor radio provided to him by this mysterious Jesus like figure that shows up in the film from time to time. He's then released from jail, walks outside, and the whole town is there! They sing Silent Night!!! That's how it ends. I have walked out on 2 movies in my life - Late For Dinner & The January Man. Last Ounce Of Courage is just as bad as those films. I only stayed so I could write about the resolution to all of Bob's issues. I'll tell you my favorite stupid thing in the movie. Bob rides a Harley from time to time. He's buddies with this biker club. They show up in the movie several times. Well, these bikers in the movie hang out at a joint called Knuckleheads. It's the most lame biker bar in the world. What I love about the scenes in the biker bar is that none of the bikers are drinking beer or whiskey. They're all drinking out of white Styrofoam cups. I think that tells you just how stupid and insulting the film is. Bikers in a biker bar drinking Cokes out of Styrofoam cups. What planet are the folks who made this movie living on?

Deaf Folks Descend On The Bar

I was looking through Rotten Tomatoes a bit ago and came across a film that got a 0% fresh rating. That's right, 0%. I'd never seen a movie with a 0% fresh rating before. Even the unwatchable Lindsay Lohan epic I Know Who Killed Me received a 9% fresh rating. The name of the 0% fresh rated film is Last Ounce Of Courage. I read up on it. Evidently an extra from the unwatchable movie Roadhouse plays a small town mayor who fights against a perceived assault on American values by liberals. Or something like that. It sounded like a whole lot of religious propaganda by bible thumpers. So, I checked to see if the movie is playing in Greensboro. And by God, it is playing at Friendly Center. I'm gonna make it a priority to get over to watch this Last Ounce Of Courage in person soon. It might be the only chance I ever get to see a movie so bad that it didn't receive a single favorable review in the entire known world. I'll let you know how bad it is later in the week. I am pumped.

Speaking of Greensboro, the City Council passed some harsh new ordinances last week regarding panhandling around town. I've mentioned my run-ins with hobos before on this blog. They stand at virtually every busy intersection up and down Battleground every day. I'm all for bums doing whatever they need to do to make an easy buck to buy the much needed 40 and pack of Newports. I really am. But I don't like to actually see them standing there with their little cardboard signs that say something like - Down on my luck. Any help appreciated. God Bless. Granted, the word appreciated is rarely spelled correctly, but you get what I mean. The City Council has made all these guidelines about where these derelicts can beg for change. I'm just waiting for the next City Council meeting when all the hobos show up to gripe about how the new ordinances are cramping their style. Hell, I'd love to go that City Council meeting myself and take notes on the complaints from these panhandlers. I may try and do that. The only problem is that I'm not sure security would let me in the meeting. I've mocked just about every member of the City Council in the past on this blog and imagine my name is on some Do Not Let Enter list. You can't really blame them for wanting to bar me from the meetings, as I'd laugh and laugh and laugh.

Speaking of laughing and laughing and laughing, last night I almost keeled over dead with laughter. I had a bet on the Seattle Seahawks on the money line at +150. Seattle was down 5 points. I needed a touchdown to win. Seattle's quarterback, noted Rockies' 2nd basemen farmhand Russell Wilson, heaved a ball into the corner of the end zone as time expired. A Green Bay defender jumped and intercepted the weak pass. Then noted Golden Domer Golden Tate grabbed some of the ball from the Packer defensive back as 4 or 5 players toppled to the ground. The back judge, some brother, starts waving his arms signalling a touchback, Packer ball. Game over. I lose. Then out of nowhere another official runs toward the pile of players from the pylon and signals touchdown Seattle. After several seconds of utter confusion, the referee decides to go ahead and call the play a touchdown. That's when I started giggling. Then I went outside to smoke. Then I really started laughing uncontrollably. It's the first time I have ever covered a bet on an interception that awarded 6 points to the team that just threw the pick. Many NFL fans seem all bent out of shape about that call and the officiating in general to start the season. I say, keep using them. I love the replacement refs. Those are my main men. I'm not sure how many 10's of millions of dollars changed hands on that call last night. All I do know is that a losing bet became a winning bet for me. And how could I possibly be upset by that? It even got a little better for me when I remembered that one Matthew Dammann, the noted homophobe at the Maryland State Department of Education I mentioned a few weeks back, was a Packer fan. You gotta love unintended consequences.

Speaking of the NFL, I was out Sunday at the infamous Kickin Chicken for Sunday Ticket, same as always. Only things were decidedly different during the 4 o'clock games. Why, you may wonder? Because the back bar area was filled with deaf people. Seriously. At the friendship table near the bar I noticed about 11 or 12 folks waving and making odd hand gestures to each other. Being that I was at the Kickin Chicken and the Steelers & Eagles were playing at the time, I didn't think anything of it. After about 10 minutes Brandon tells me he thinks the folks making the hand gestures and flailing their arms around are deaf. And that had a ring of truth to it. Then I noticed that a handful of other tables in the back bar also were packed with deaf people communicating through bizarre hand gestures. There were 3 or 4 guys at the bar to my and Brandon's left. They were mainly there following their fantasy "teams." But were okay guys nonetheless. Well, as you can imagine, I had these poor fellas falling over laughing and spitting out their iced teas mid gulp. I noted that now I finally know what it's like to be a minority because we were surrounded by deaf folks. I kept asking everyone if they thought the deaf people were making fun of us and we were clueless because we didn't know what all the crazy hand posturing meant. I asked how long they thought a fantasy football draft would take if the deaf people had a league. My guess was all night. I mean, can you imagine that? 12 deaf people trying to draft and all the confusion over the Johnsons in the NFL? One guy thinks he drafted Calvin and another thinks he drafted Chris and the confusion, arguing, and inevitable fighting that would ensue as the communication problems deteriorated into mayhem? I kept telling Brandon and the 3 or 4 other fellas that if you ever wanted to do a deaf chick that you'd better go for it now, because this might be the only time in your life that there are more than a dozen deaf babes all in the same place as you at the same time. I wondered aloud if the deaf babes express an orgasm using hand gestures. Then I started speculating what an orgasmic signifying hand gesture might look like. One gentleman, sporting a #43 Steeler jersey told me I was going to hell. But he was laughing as he said it. I told him, "Hey, man. Don't worry about it. It's not like they can hear me anyway."

Carolina Panther Fans Go Home Unhappy

Last night was one of the stranger nights in Greensboro in recent memory. The Carolina Panthers were playing the NY Giants. The game was not available locally on Time Warner Cable, as Time Warner is the only major cable company that has not come to a deal with the NFL to carry the NFL Network. So, all the Panther fans in Greensboro who don't have DirecTV or Dish Network were forced to head to a sports bar to watch the Cats get humiliated by the G Men. Everywhere was jam packed. I stopped into Sloppys at 8:30, expecting to see the usual 8 to 10 barflies sitting around getting drunk, running their mouths about nothing, passing the time in their pitiful lives. Instead, there were probably 50 people there. Some brother outside told me there was a 2 hour wait at the infamous Kicken Chicken. I left Sloppys and went to the old Wing Joint on Battleground. No parking was available. I had to park two lots over by a BP station. I finally walked into the bar midway through the 1st quarter. The Panthers were already down 10 to nil. It got worse from there. By midway through the 3rd quarter Carolina fans started filing out. By the end of the game there were less than 10 folks left in the bar. Poor Panther fans. They get all excited for once, go out and support local bars, and then their team gets embarrassed on national TV. I hope the NFL never schedules the Panthers for another Thursday night game. I like it a lot better when I can stroll into any sports bar right at kickoff on a Thursday night, easily find a seat, and monitor my bet.

Speaking of bets, I whiffed on the Panthers myself. I figured Cam Newton would really be pumped for his 1st prime time game. I was wrong. Newton was awful. The only good news was that I had a bet on the Mormons too. They were playing on the Smurf Turf in Boise. And they lost by a single point, which in the dark and shady world of gambling is the same as winning 100 to 0.

Speaking of the Panther fans I saw out and about, most of them are clueless as to what's going on during a pro football game. A kid to my right at the bar last night kept saying something about illegal possession. After  awhile I got the feeling he was talking about the Giants' players holding some meth in their jocks. A big gal with an enormous ass was at the end of the bar wearing an ill fitting Delhomme jersey and she kept wondering why the Panthers couldn't stop Andre Brown from running all over the Panther defense. It was a fair question I guess. But eventually I informed her that the reason Carolina couldn't stop Brown was because they suck. I also told her that if Ron Rivera would put Jake Delhomme in the game the Panthers would make a rousing comeback. Alas, she agreed with me, even though Delhomme hasn't played in Charlotte since 2009...

Speaking of Delhomme, did you know that in 2010 Delhomme was being paid almost 13 million dollars by Carolina to play QB for the Cleveland Browns? He was also being paid 7 millions dollars to play quarterback for the Browns by the Browns. That means Jake Delhomme made 20 million dollars in 2010. He threw 2 TD passes and tossed 7 picks during 5 games. That's 10 million dollars a touchdown pass. Not bad work if you can get it. We should get his agent to run for president. That guy is a genius.

Speaking of geniuses, Geilfuss & I survived week 2 of Survivor. We tempted fate yet again with the Cincinnati Bengals. They've knocked us out each of the last 2 years. This time they came through like champions, beating Cleveland by 7. It was a particularly good pick in light of the fact that half the guys in the Survivor pool had the Patsies. And New England lost to the Arizona Cardinals. At home. It could not have gone better for us. This week we're rolling with Drew Brees at home. Who dat???

Last week I gave some silly college football write ups on this silly blog. I don't really feel like doing it right now. But I will tell you that I really do honestly like the UCLA Bruins tomorrow afternoon against the Beavers. Any time you get a Bruin with a chance to munch on a Beaver, take the damn bear. Everyone knows that bears will eat the hell out of some beaver. It's a scientific fact. I saw it on a nature show once.

Speaking of nature shows, I never really did watch one. I was stretching the truth there. I hate nature. As I've said over and over on this blog, I prefer the cool regulated air indoors. Nature is stupid.

College Football Write Ups For 9/15/12

I haven't done any college football write ups in a long time. But here it is Friday afternoon. I'm bored and have nothing better to do. So, here we go ---

V Tech vs Pittsburgh (+10) Noon on ESPNU - Here we've got Gobblers against Panthers. In the brutal world of nature, you'd take a panther over a turkey every time (although the turkey may tire the panther out for a few minutes before being swallowed whole). On the football field things are different. Take the Gobblers. For one thing I guarantee there will be 5 times as many Hokie fans at Heinz Field as there are Pitt fans. Secondly, Pitt sucks. The only way things could go bad for Va Tech is if one of the mass murderers the school seems to attract waltzes onto the field and shoots Frank Beamer and Logan Thomas in the head. While that's unlikely, you never know. It's Va Tech for Christ's sake.

N Illimois vs Army (+3) Noon on CBS Sports Network - Cindy Crawford against Robert E Lee. I know Cindy didn't attend NIU, but she is from DeKalb and was valedictorian of her high school. Bob Lee most certainly did attend West Point, but wasn't valedictorian. In other words, this is a tough call. While the fake historian in me would like to pick the Cadets, I can't. It's Cindy Crawford. When faced with a call between a military genius and a supermodel, I'll take the supermodel every time,

Alabama vs Arkansas (+20) 3:30 on CBS - Forrest Gump vs hillbillies who wear pig snouts in public. No one wins here. Forrest Gump is the most unwatchable film to ever win Best Picture (I'm still miffed it beat Pulp Fiction). Compared to hillbillies wearing pig snouts in public, you may think Forrest Gump doesn't look so bad. But you'd be wrong. It's a real toss-up. However, the fact that John L Smith is coaching the Razorbacks swings things decidedly to Bama. John L Smith is no Bear Bryant, or Nick Saban, or even a Dennis Franchione for that matter. The Tide will kill the Hogs.

Navy vs Horseplay U (-7) 3:30 on ABC/ESPN2 - Roger Staubach against rhythmic ass slapping, err...horseplay. I keep forgetting, there is no rape. It's all just harmless horseplay. Take Navy. Horseplay U has no playmakers on offense. Their kicker is awful. And players are leaving the program almost daily. My hope is that by next fall so many players will have left Horseplay U under the transfer rules the NCAA put in place, that they won't be able to field a team. Maybe they could bust Jerry Sandusky out of prison at that point and give him 50 to 60 12 year-olds to coach at good old Horseplay U...

USC vs Stanford (+8&1/2) 7:30 on Fox - OJ Simpson against Herbert Hoover. Yet another tough call. While OJ does allegedly have 2 murders under his belt, and you can't sell him short there, he is leaving a chunk of his will to one of the Kardashians. I'm not sure which one. Hopefully Bruce Jenner will get a taste of the dough and get more plastic surgery. But I digress...Hoover does have some positives too. He was super successful in the mining business and a great humanitarian during WW1, but there's also the bit about him handling the Stock Market Crash of 1929 with a few missteps. Those missteps led to FDR. And FDR led to JBJ. And LBJ led to Barack Hussein Obama. There's really no advantage here, is there? Or as Nick Bakay used to say, "Advantage, push."

BYU vs Utah (+4) 10:00 on ESPN2 - One of my favorite games of the year. Mormom against Mormon. And when Mormons fight, we all know they fight dirty. I wonder which side Willard Mitt Romney will be pulling for. Probably the Cougars, as BYU is the official school of the LDS "Church." I like the Cougs myself. They got whipped at home last year by the Utes and there's no payback like Mormon payback. With the possible exception of Islamic payback, but I'm not getting political today. It wouldn't be nice. And above all, I pride myself on being nice.

Enjoy the games.

A Romo Hater Exposed

I was out last Thursday evening and right at 8:30 I asked the nameless bar wench at the dive bar where I was sitting to flip one of the flatscreens to NBC for the opening game of the NFL season. She looked at me, rather puzzled. A dude sitting nearby chimed in and informed both of us that the NFL had kicked off the night before. I was a little incredulous, to say the least. I was like, "What the hell are you talking about? The NFL has kicked off its season on the Thursday after Labor Day for years now." This kid said, "Not this year, buddy." All I could say is, "Fuck. I really wanted to see Dallas battle the Giants. And now you're telling me the game happened yesterday? Why? Why the hell would the NFL change this year to the Wednesday after Labor Day?" The dude, who resembled Ronnie from Jersey Shore, said, "Because the Democrat Convention is being held this week and Obama is speaking tonight." I found this almost impossible to believe. Why would the NFL move a football game because our epic failure of a leader, one Barack Hussein Obama, was gonna get up in front of assorted liberal freaks and give everyone a bunch of jive, trying to explain why he should be reelected? The NFL is way more important than a tedious speech from a man who has done nothing but talk and talk and talk some more. The Jersey Shore wannabe at the bar couldn't agree with me more. Turns out the kid was a Giants fan. I meekly asked him how the game had turned out from the previous night. The juiced up Jerseyite said that the Cowboys had beaten his beloved G Men 24-17. I said, "Damn, that's surprising. How did Romo look?" This wide-jawed kid, the Ronnie from Jersey Shore lookalike, then went on some rant about Tony Romo. I tuned the kid out instantly. I'd heard this all before. Many times. You know, nonsensical and irrational hatred of Tony Romo. Many NFL fans suffer from this disease. Hell, even many Cowboy fans hate Romo. What I always ask them when they go on their typical tirade about Romo sucking is this, "Who available, would you rather have?" They have no answer for that, obviously. The Cowboys aren't trading for Rodgers, Brees, or Brady. They haven't drafted high enough to land a potential stud signal caller either. No one available is better than Romo. I think many of the Romo haters forget the kid was an undrafted free agent from somewhere called Eastern Illinois. An undrafted free agent who has thrown for 4,000 yards in a season, been to the Pro Bowl, and won the Cowboys their only playoff victory in like 15 years. If anything, Romo's story is an inspiring tale of an underdog overcoming great odds. But these haters don't wanna hear that. Even Dallas fans who hate him don't wanna hear that. And then there are the folks who feel such warped hatred for Romo that they result to slurs to try and insult him. I remember one such guy specifically who used a slur against Romo in an astoundingly inappropriate setting. Back in my glory days, when I was toiling away at at the Nancy Grasmick Building on W Baltimore St for the Maryland State Department of Education, there was an IT guy who worked there named Matthew Dammann. He was one of these balding guys who probably played a lot of lacrosse at some point in his past. Anyway, one day at lunch on the mezzanine level of the State Department of Education building in the Charm City, this Dammann kid sits down with about 7 or 8 other state workers. I, unfortunately, was one of those state workers. I was sitting there around some colleagues, probably eating a shitty sub, saying as little as possible. As always. This Matthew Dammann sits down at the table. I didn't know the kid at the time. He was loud and overbearing almost from the moment he seated himself. At some point talk turned to the old pigskin. There were two other gentlemen at the table who followed the NFL, two Rays specifically - Ray Scott and Ray Graleski. As the three of them bantered on about the NFL, Dammann, out of nowhere, dropped this gem on the group eating their crappy lunches, "I hate Tony Homo." Yes, in the middle of a professional lunch environment, with at least 20 people within earshot, Damman plays the gay slur card. I was taken aback. I considered saying something to him. I decided against that, got up, left the lunch area, and went back to my lonely cubicle. This happened like 4 or 5 years ago. And I still vividly remember this Matthew Dammann character deciding it was a good idea to drop a gay slur about Tony Romo in the middle of lunch at the State Department of Education. I figured someone who overheard him would be livid and have him reprimanded or fired. Not so much because Dammann hated Romo, but because he used a gay slur at one of the most liberal-minded places anyone could ever dream of working. Alas, Dammann wasn't fired or even told that using hate speech at lunch was not such a hot idea. I made it a point to steer clear of the kid after that. We didn't work together directly or anything. So it was easy to avoid him. I remember the last time I ran into Dammann. I was at some Railroad Museum for a Christmas party for folks who worked in Assessment and Accountability for the Maryland State Deprtment of Education. I found myself at a table with Matthew Dammann, unfortunately. I didn't say anything to him for like 45 minutes. Finally, Dammann decided to make a little small talk with me. I don't recall how the conversation started. It was silly chit-chat. After a few minutes I excused myself from the table. I was gonna say something pithy to the kid. I'm known for that sort of shit. But I decided not to. It wouldn't have been professional. I'm guessing that Dammann is still on the dole for the State of Marlyand, sitting in his cubicle, doing next to nothing 40 hours a week, and still plagued by irrational hatred of Tony Romo. Poor bastard...

I was out Sunday for NFL Ticket at the infamous Kicken Chicken on Battleground. It was pretty subdued in there for some reason (probably because the Cowboys weren't playing and their clueless, obnoxious fans were nowhere to be seen). It was packed as always though. Brandon and I were sitting at the back bar, squeezed into a corner, watching several games very closely. The game we were monitoring most closely was the Philly/Cleveland tilt. And I'm hard pressed to ever remember a game with worse quarterback play. The kid from Oklahoma St, Brandon Weeden, was terrible. It was almost like watching Ken Dorsey play in the NFL. And Ron Mexico was atrocious for the Eagles. I was getting very frustrated with Mexico. He wouldn't tuck the ball and run when he had wide open lanes in front of him. Instead, Mexico continuously threw the ball up for grabs across his body. He threw 4 interceptions (it could have easily been more). One of the interceptions the Browns returned for six, accounting for their only TD of the day. I can't wait to see what the Ravens have in store for Mr Mexico this Sunday. I'm gonna bet heavily on Baltimore. I can promise you that.

I mentioned earlier that the Democrat Convention was last week. I'm a little embarrassed to admit that I had no clue it was taking place. Not that I'd have watched much of it anyway. Maybe a little for the comedic value. I don't know why anyone would want to go to a Democrat Convention. I'd rather be in Gitmo getting water boarded myself. I would like to make fun of the convention. I really would. But, as I said, I had no clue it was happening. I did see one interesting bit of info about our favorite plagiarizer, one Joe Biden. Biden was at an event recently and was asking local Democrat dignitaries to stand up and be recognized. Nice gesture, right? Maybe, but at one point he asked some dude in a wheelchair to stand up and wave to the crowd. That's right, Joe Biden must think he has the healing powers of Benny Hinn or some other fraudulent television scam artist evangelist. Biden literally asked a cripple to get up out of a wheelchair and wave to the crowd. That is awesome.

Speaking of awesome, I got an email from Geilfuss last week. Turns out that over the summer, Geilfuss, Tys, and a few other fellas decided to venture to Philly for some harmless fun. Only with Tys tagging along harmless fun generally turns to a big ugly scene pretty quickly. I've seen it first hand. Anyway, on this particular night, after taking in a ballgame, Geilfuss and crew headed to one of Philly's finest strip joint establishments. Are you guessing trouble ensued? Well, it did. Shocker! Tys proceeded to get loaded. Tys started talking shit. Tys was asked to leave by the bouncers. Tys kept trying to sneak back into the strip joint. The bouncers didn't appreciate this. I'm sure at first the bouncers found Tys's drunken nonsense somewhat amusing. But after awhile, I'm guessing they got sick of Tys screaming obscenities and trying to get back into the strip club. Things ended badly. The local authorities were called. Tys was cuffed. Geilfuss eventually caught wind of the fact that Tys had gotten into a spot of trouble and went outside to try and help the kid. The picture below is pretty priceless. Note the name of the titty-flop joint - I wonder if Samson was lurking  around somewhere...

Speaking of Geilfuss and Philadelphia. We somehow survived Week 1 of Survivor when the Eagles got that last minute score over Cleveland. Whew...

Coffee is for closers

The Smurf Olympic Village

I saw some article online the other day that mentioned that during the games of the XXX Olympiad anyone could walk up to where the Irish Olympic team was staying in the Olympic village, pay $20, stroll by the bouncer, and drink as much as humanly possible while hanging out with Irish athletes. And that sounds like a deal to me. I wouldn't be able to comprehend a word that the Irish athletes were saying (Irish folks might as well be speaking Farsi, as far as I'm concerned), but that's okay. Imagine doing endless car bombs with folks who've set off actual car bombs. Awesome.

Speaking of the Olympic village, I've always pictured it in my mind as the Smurf village. You know, every four years Papa, Brainy, Vanity, and Sporty would have to share quarters with the likes of Carl Lewis, Rafer Johnson, and the Swedish volleyball babes. Can't you imagine how fretful poor Brainy would be over the whole thing? He'd be nervous. Jittery. In a panic. And rightfully so, as you gotta think that every smarmy Eastern European wrestler would make a drunken run at nailing Smurfette. The Smurf doctors would have to pump gallons of penicillin into Smurfette for months on end at the conclusion of each Olympiad. And how would Gargamel react to all the world-class athletes on hand? I'd think Azreal would be more worthless than usual when trying to pry a Smurf away from the village with Mike Phelps hanging around. The whole idea of Olympians crashing the smurf village every four years is exciting, isn't it? It's the kind of thing I think about endlessly.

I saw a bit of news in the presidential sweepstakes recently. Turns out that that rather loathsome Mormon, one Willard Mitt Romney, did something right. Hell, you could argue he did something revolutionary. Willard picked the best person possible for Vice President. Some Irish kid out of Wisconsin (name of Ryan, I believe). Of course the pick will undoubtedly doom Willard. Why? Because if Willard picks someone with views extremely similar to mine on taxes, entitlements, and the budget, the typical US voter, the folks I think we can charitably label the refuse of Western Civilization, will never go for it. It's a kind of catch-22. On one hand, Romney made the best choice of his life. On the other hand, the pick probably sealed his fate to the ash heap of history. If there's one thing we know it's that voters don't want to be told the truth about anything. They especially don't want serious ideas that would address these ugly truths. And that's what this Ryan kid does. What will inevitably happen is that Romney will lose (maybe even lose badly), Ryan will become a folk hero to about a third of Americans (most of the folks worshipping Ryan will be clueless dolts by the way, he'll never be able to get away from the clueless dolts in the T Party after this), and Barry will be a lame duck minutes after the election is over. Fun days indeed. I can hardly wait.

Speaking of Paul Ryan, I think it is worth mentioning to readers of this blog, a vast majority of whom are under 45 years old, that this is the first time one of our very own members of Generation X (folks born between 1965 and 1980) will be on a presidential ticket. I'm guessing Ryan's innate distrust of government, much like a vast majority of Xers, including yours truly, stems from all the lies propagated during our formative years. Our parents lied to us about their marriage vows. The schools lied to us about our own history. The government lied to us about AIDS, Social Security, and the idea that we'd be better off than the Boomers. All lies. Lies, lies, lies. Many of us assume that everything every person involved with government on every level tells us is a lie. Granted, I take it to the extreme and have always assumed everything that any person alive has ever told me is a lie. Ryan's obviously coped with these lies much better than I have. He's actually trying to do something to change it all. And I admire that. The problem is the kid will ultimately fail. And be vilified in the process by the likes of Barack Hussein Obama and his minions of liberal hacks.

I did make it out recently to see the new Batman. I was a little trepidatious that the theater was gonna be shot up by a disgruntled Obama supporter. But thankfully that didn't happen. After I waltzed up to the ticket counter, said "One for the Christian Bale," plunked down my $7, walked to my seat, sat through 10 previews for movies I will never see, the film finally started. Luckily, no one was sitting nearby (it was a 4:20 showing), because I started laughing almost from the get go. The plot, such as it was, was preposterous. Which I expected. I was okay with that. I still laughed though. And then there was this Bane character. He sounded like an effeminate Sean Connery. And I laughed and laughed at that. About 2 and half hours passed. Batman saves Gotham (shocking!). Then supposedly spends the rest of his life hanging out in European cafes with Anne Hathaway. Silly. It's worth your 7 bucks though. It passes the time on a Monday afternoon.