The Megatouch Man Walks Into A Bar

There was a guy who I called Off-Topic Eric who I used to work with at The Old Measuring Stick. I also called him Eric The Read and The Big E and Magnum MI on occasion. He would walk up to a group of people having a conversation about anything and wait for the slightest lull and then say something about sports out of the blue. He was a big Redskins fan (literally big) and had a thing for a NASCAR driver named Tony Stewart as well. So he would start every conversation about like this - Did you see where Dan Snyder is thinking about adding midget strippers to the 'Skins cheer squad? Or - Did you hear that Joe Gibbs pulled Tony Stewart aside and told him to keep his mouth off Jeff Gordon's balls? He was also a close talker - so he would stand about 6 inches from your face sometimes. Last I heard he was becoming a minister for some offshoot of the Quaker or 7th Day Adventurist Church. And I can only imagine how his sermons are structured - probably around how Steve Spurrier and Marty Schottenheimer need to find the Lord and how if we all just ask ourselves - What Would Joe Gibbs Do? - we'd be in good stead with God in day-to-day decision making. The only reason I thought of him today is that the Super Bowl is coming up and he used to have a thing for Kurt Warner (probably because Warner is always talking about the Lord) and now Warner is a 7 pt. underdog in the game Sunday and I want the Cards to cover, but I don't want old Off-Topic Eric to be happy. It's a real pickle. The other thing about Eric is that he's probably about 43 years old now and I guarantee he is still a virgin - last I saw him, he'd yet to go on a date and that was about 3 years ago. He's not the best looking guy and he can only talk about sports and he wears sports paraphernalia every day and he smells like Johnny Marzetti and he's a close talker and he's a religious bigot and he has a hairy neck and he has a giant hernia in the middle of his massive gut and he's not a very nice person and he's never held down a real job and he's slightly hard of hearing and he says that if they ever make a movie of his life that Tom Bosley should play him. Need I go on? Believe me, I could.

Phoenix has all the advantages in this week's game - but the only one that really matters is that Barry Goldwater was born in Phoenix in 1909. I read this story about Patrick J Buchanan chauffeuring folks at the 1964 Republican Convention around the Cow Palace in San Francisco and the license plate on the car was - AuH2O. Incidentally, the Sex Pistols final concert was in San Francisco at the Winterland in Jan. 1978 - and I believe Jenna Jameson lives in Phoenix (see previous post) - so with all of that info pointing to the Cards, how can they not cover the 7?

I haven't seen J recently, but I hope like hell he's taking the Steelers - and calling it a mortal lock. Or lock-a-rooni or some such childish gibberish. Speaking of,...

They have this Megatouch game at Get Bent Lounge. On there is this game called Wordster. The Jacobys come in and like to play it and Andy and I will help them by yelling suggestions. I won't bore anyone with the details of how to play it. Anyway, we tend to do quite well at it - not because of me of course- I have the vocabulary of a 10 year old retard. When we get a high score, and we have all them I think, Mark tries to type in Geilfuss as our team name. Well Megatouch doesn't accept the name Geilfuss (much like any sober, reasonable girl doesn't accept him). So, one night The Megatouch Man was in the bar, cleaning the machine, and taking all the $1 bills out (he was probably about to head to the titty-flop bar). I said to him "Do you guys have some vendetta against Geilfuss?" He said "Have you seen him lately, because he was wandering around downtown without any shoes on and my sister picked him up and had her way with him for a night and then he ran away and hasn't called her." I asked the only appropriate question at that point "Just how fat is your sister?"

There is every indication that Creech might be starting a blog of his own soon. And that will be beyond the limits of awesomeness. Between Geilfuss, Creech, and The Megatouch Man the whole Internet is finally reaching the potential that Albert Arnold Gore thought it would when he "founded" it back in the day.

If you get a chance to see the movie Two Moon Junction with Sherilyn Fenn - Do. It also has Burl Ives, but...

Silly Rabbit...

If the whole point of life is to leave something better for the next generation, then it makes perfect sense that I feel a tremendous obligation to refrain from procreating. Because I'm making things worse - way worse.

I am paying as little attention to the news as possible these days, but I did hear that Barack Hussein Obama did an interview with an Arab TV Network. One of the questions they asked him was if he liked chicks that sported a big clitoris. I don't know how appropriate, much less relevant to anything, such a question is - but I was fascinated by his response -"I'd hate to paint with a broad brush on such a sensitive and pressing world issue, but let me say this sir, I do like ladies with a plump clitoris, the length is also important, and I don't want to downplay that, not at all, but a nice thick, plump one always gets my short hairs to stand on end." And I thought of Hillary Clinton immediately and if Barry inspected her clitoris before nominating her for Secretary of State. And if he didn't, did Joe Biden?

Has anyone ever seen Albert Arnold Gore, Mike Krzyzewski, and Adolph Hitler in the same room at the same time?

I don't give advice, but one very cool thing to do is take a post-it and write on it - I owe this machine 11 cents. Don't sign it, unless you want to write - Cordially, Jenna Jameson. Then stick the post-it on the front of the Coke machine at work. When the Aramark guy comes around, he will be slightly perplexed.

I saw this thing on cereal killers the other night on History Channel - and I was surprised they focus in so much on Cap'n Crunch and the Trix Rabbit and seem to give a pass to that creepy Leprechaun (who I think is prominently featured on the National Geographic Special titled -Serial Masturbators of the Cereal Mascots).

There is nothing small about T. Diane Bellamy Small.

I was watching a basketball game last week between the Cavs and the Lakers (me and my buddy Pat had a keen interest in the Lakers winning by 5 or more) and Kobe Bryant is an absolute God - so Geilfuss is right about one thing anyway.

There is this US Senate seat battle still going on over whether Stuart Smalley should be a senator from Minnesota or not. And I don't really care if he wins or not, but I do wonder if the guy will ever say anything funny again - because it's been like 15 years since he said anything funny. Although I saw him almost get in a fist fight with Bill O'Reilly on C-SPAN a few years back and that was funny - not intentionally though. Molly Ivins was also there and she looked really despicable.

If you're ever in Dallas and have the chance to go into this certain bar on Greenville Avenue called M Street Bar, I highly suggest you do - especially on Wednesday.

I was cruising the world wide web of deceit and came across a site about trivia called Final Score Trivia and they had pictures of the teams of people who play their ridiculous trivia game at various dive bars and they are the ugliest people who have ever walked the face of the earth. Check out a picture of the lady who runs the Final Score - I believe her name is Misty - and she looks like a joke.

Smoke em' if you got em' - TBFH

Your Ignorance Is Breathtaking

I was at the Charred Pork Bucket and Bob was trying to make an analogy about how difficult something was and he decided on this gem - "It's like going to Joe Montana's house and trying to find the bathroom after you've only been there once before." So I was baffled by that. About a half hour passed, and as I was getting ready to leave, Bob was asking these terribly insensitive questions about dementia to my buddy Dave (Dave's father had dementia for some time toward the end of his life). I won't dignify what Bob said here, but after a series of asinine and downright insulting (not to mention ignorant) questions to Dave about his father's dementia, I said to Dave, loud enough so Bob could hear, - "You know the only thing left to cover is this - "Did your father ever go to Joe Montana's house, and if he did, did he have any trouble finding the bathroom?" Dave about fell over laughing.

I was in an airport last Wednesday, the day after the Obama coronation, and there were like a million black ladies there all wearing these full-length fur coats. I was trying to keep a low profile. But, alas one of them said to me "Were you at the inauguration yesterday?" I replied "No. I had to work." I was trying to be cool and let this women have her moment and all. But then she said "That's a shame. It was such an historic day. We were all crying tears of joy. One of our own has finally made it to the White House." I said "There is this terrible rumor going around that Obama's mother is white. Can you believe the nerve of some of these kooks? Spreading vicious lies." She said "Child, his mother was white. Where you been livin'? Under a rock?" I said "Oh, damn. I'm sorry - but wouldn't that technically make him the first mulatto president?"

On the flight there were dozens of folks flying home from the festivities. I was fortunate enough to be sitting next to a young woman wearing a shirt that said -Yes We Did. So, I'm minding my own business again - looking at a New Yorker and this girl had to start a conversation. She said "Didn't that speech he gave just move you?" I said "I didn't hear any of it." She said "You missed an eloquent address." I said "Is it true the only person he quoted in the entire speech was old Tommy Paine?" She said "Who is that?" I replied "Like one of the greatest patriots in our country's founding." She said "He would never quote a dead white pro-slavery founding father." I said back "Your ignorance is breathtaking." And it was.

After we landed, a few bags were missing, including one of mine. One of the fur coat brigade was in the same boat and she said to me "How can they misplace bags? It's a non-stop flight. Can you believe this?" I said to her "Meat is murder." She said "Oh, you're one of those liberals." I said "Not exactly ma'am."

A cab driver asked me about my plans for the next four years, you know, living with Obama and everything. I said "It's nothin' but a thing." He said "What?" I said "I'm a dude, playing a dude, disguised as another dude." "What?" "I'm just a little boy playin' with his dick when he's nervous." He pulled over and threw me out.

I was watching this movie with Edward Norton and Naomi Watts recently and it wasn't too awful. All of these Chinamen were dying of some disease that makes you vomit and sweat uncontrollably. I don't remember what the disease or the movie was called. Anyway, I just kept thinking to myself - Naomi Watts looks pretty good with dark hair. And she did.

I threw up when I saw what I'd done.

The Lady Who Was At The Raw Bar

I was watching this movie called Star Wars Episode 1 - The Fainting Man Ass. It wasn't very interesting. But they had Natalie Portman in it and she was probably like 16 when they filmed the thing - so I'm looking at this actress who plays this double for her character (I think Portman's character is called Paidme) and I'm like is that Keira Knightley? Is Keira Knightley a double for Natalie Portman in this movie? And I think she is. That's a very tough debate right there. There is no wrong answer. Philosophers would kill themselves settling that debate. My head is about to explode thinking about it. Keira Fucking Knightley.

I was never very impressed with Mace Windu. The guy who plays him is good when he's quoting bible verses (now I'm wondering if I'm the shepherd...) but not as Mace Windu. They should have gotten Mike Tyson to do it - because when I think of a Jedi Knight, I think of Mike Tyson first.

At the Ramada the other night, this trivia question comes up about what the Krispy Kreme sign says when the donuts are fresh - I guessed "Shove this in your mouth?"

The coronation is coming up here in a few days from what I can gather. And there was another question at the Ramada along those lines - what is unique about the bible Barack Hussein Obama will be holding when he assumes the throne? Dave said "It's in Swahili." Andy said "I think it has something to do with belonging to his Grandparents." I said "The pages are sticky from all his ejaculate?"

I was out last night for a bit and I'm talking to Grama Dave and he's going on and on about some pump. So I said "Penis Pump?" Really loud. And there were a number of ladies in this bar (it was something called a raw bar - but I didn't see any girls wandering around bottomless shaved raw - which was really disappointing) drinking wine and this one lady overhears me and says "How often have you used a penis pump?" I said "I was raised using a penis pump. I started when I was like 4." She said "I would love to watch you play with that penis pump baby." I said "Not tonight madam - I've gotta shave." She said "I just shaved before I left tonight." I said "Did you shave yourself raw? Is that a rule before you come into this raw bar - to shave yourself raw?" She said "I'm as raw as a 10 year old girl." I said "That's it for me. I'm outta here. You've been great." I threw $25 down and left that raw bar.

If you're looking for excitement tonight - the Bananabees should be rocking with a very spirited game of ridiculousness. And it will be packed with ugly people. - TBFH

The Guy Who Plays Devil's Advocate & Studies His Notes

So, I'm sitting at the bar out at the Zoo Station playing trivia by myself one Monday night in June or July of 2007. And there's this guy to my left playing the game as well. I didn't really speak to him much, but he did ask me several times what answer I'd given to something or other after I'd turned the answer in. He was pretty annoying because he only asked me if he knew the answer and was hoping I didn't know the answer. He wanted to rub in how smart he was (of course knowing useless trivia is not in any way indicative of intelligence) - I didn't know at the time what his deal was exactly. I ended up beating him and coming in 3rd place that game. I saw him again like a month later and he asks me at one point if I want to join up and play as one team. I was there by myself again. So, I said ok. And that was one of the dumbest things I've ever done. Believe me, I regret it still.

Next thing I know, he starts showing up at two different trivia games every week and playing trivia with our team. His name is Tom. Tom is in his late 50's.He looks like a cross between Lurch and Frankenstein and he is one of the most socially inept people I've ever met. We probably played trivia with him for around 4 months or so - and I was out of town for about half that time, so poor Andy and Jeff and everyone else was stuck with him. We quit playing trivia with him in Jan of 08.

I'm sitting there and a super easy question comes up about a song from the 80s. I tell Andy. Andy writes it down. End of question. Except for Tom. He says "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Are you 100%?" "Yes." "Well wait and use all the time." "Why?" "Let me play devil's advocate..."

Tom often boasted about how good his skin was. He'd say "Doctors always tell me how nice my skin is." "Why?" "No, seriously. I have really good skin." "I have no interest in hearing this Tom."

"Let me play devil's advocate..." "Oh, fuck Andy. I'm gonna start to mock him." And then I would. "Have you looked for work this week Tom?" "No." Have you approached any women for a date this week Tom?" "No. I'm not like you. I can't just go up and start talking to strangers." "How the hell did you ever start talking to me then?"

Tom liked to boast that back in the 70s & 80s he took a lot of Spanish Fly. "Why did you need it Tom?" "It wasn't for me. It was to heighten the woman's pleasure." "Isn't just being naked with you the highest state of pleasure known to womankind?" He never got too upset when I'd mock him because he was so into the next thing he was going to say that he barely understood what was going on. I'm not kidding. He was often 5 to 10 minutes behind on a conversation as well. He'd think of something and say it. Then I'd have to say "We haven't been talking about that for like 7 minutes Tom."

If you see Tom out somewhere or other do NOT ask him about these topics - 1) his trip to Europe in 1969. 2) when he lived in San Francisco in the 70s. 3) his townhouse. 4) his sex life. 5) playing trivia with Getting The Crabs. 6) what trivia game has he been to recently and can he please ask you all of the questions from that game. 7) Wild Turkey. 8) his notes.

Tom was awesome when we'd have a girl on the team on occasion. He almost insulted our friend Jess so badly that Andy was like 5 seconds from hitting him. I won't repeat what he said to her. And if I won't repeat something, it is really awful.

We change our team name pretty often (black ops) and Tom never could remember the different team names we were using. He also never got why we picked the names either. He never got anything I was saying.

"But I just saw that in my notes the other night."

Tom and our buddy Jeff are both from Pittsburgh and Tom was told this like a half dozen times and when it came up again for some reason (usually Jeff would tell some story about when he was in high school or something), Tom would say "Wow. Small world. I'm from Pittsburgh too." "Tom, Jeff's told you he's from Pittsburgh like 5 times." "Really? Cause I'm from Pittsburgh." "Jesus Christ Andy. What a fucking tool."

I was out playing a trivia game and Tom and I are the only two people playing that day. It was a big semi-final game. So there are like 25 teams or so playing. And we are doing ok up to halftime. And then in the second half I caught fire. I got all 9 questions right. We missed one of them because Tom insisted that he had been studying his notes and my answer was wrong. He was always saying "I was reading through my notes and saw this." Or "I was studying some lists I have and this was on it." A lot of the time he was right when he insisted he'd seen something in his notes that covered whatever question was being asked. Anyway, we soared into the lead in the 2nd half and were winning. Then as the guys running the thing get ready for the final question they play Hey Ya on the sound system. And I love that song. I get teary eyed when it comes on. And I'm feeling it. And Tom keeps talking about nothing. "Could you just shut up for 4 minutes and listen to the song?" And he couldn't. I got so agitated that I got up and left before the final question was finished. I never played trivia with him again.

"Let me play devil's advocate for just a minute..."

Rehab Is For Quitters

I stopped into Charred Pork Bucket again last night, just briefly though. So Bob is playing these awful songs on the jukebox. I walked over to it and put a buck in and picked a song I knew all the old people in there would hate. About a half hour passes and Bob's songs end and he's back at the jukebox to inflict more pain on my ears, when the song I picked comes on - and he turns around and yells in my direction "Did you play this crap asshole?" I shook my head yes. Then all the old people in there were treated to 3 minutes of the Pixies' Monkey Gone To Heaven. The song ended and I got up and left. I was pretty happy about that.

Geilfuss mentioned a phrase in one of his blog entries that really stood out for me - it was "the Geilfuss Charm." Now, I've hung out with Geilfuss around 50 times the past year or so for a total of maybe 200 or 300 hours and I can say definitively - I have never heard him say anything charming to anybody. Nothing even close. In fact, I rarely know what he's talking about - although he constantly mentions Kobe Bryant and Kelly Gregg. And every story seems to include something about Creech stealing his shoes, then he goes walking around barefoot until a fat woman hits on him, takes him to her place and has her way with him until his dignity is tossed out the back door. I guess that's the Geilfuss Charm at work.

I wandered into this place called Players on W Market Street one Saturday in like 2005 and there were like a hundred fans wearing purple. There was a game on the projection screen between East Carolina and I think Rice. Anyway, an older lady all decked out in purple comes up to me and asks "You a Pirate backer honey?" I said "A pirate backer? Is that akin to a fudge packer Ma'am?" She said "I don't believe I like your mouth young man." I replied back "Well, quit talking to me you old quasi-regal looking ho."

I've asked a number of people if they saw Bobby Nyk in Nashville over last weekend. And the closest thing I got to a confirmation is from one of the Jacoby's. Luke said "I think I saw him passed out in an alley before the game grasping a bottle of Cuervo and his pants around his ankles." I said "Well, that could have been any number of drunk fans." Luke said "But this guy had a #69 jersey on." And in that case, it may have been Bobby Nyk. But maybe not. And the one for the money...

I was in a Thai restaurant one time in Nashville with this lady I used to work with named Rat. And she ordered the native seasoning on whatever she got and it was so hot that her head got swollen and the next morning she couldn't go into work because she couldn't insert her contacts into her Muppet-like eyeballs because of the heat from this native Thai seasoning making her cry all night. I went back into that place the next time I was working in Nashville and I got the native seasoning myself and I had them bring me a pitcher of water and I was fine. My head felt like it was on fire, but I was good. My nose felt like it would explode, but I was fine. And my tongue felt like it had been ravaged by pure grain alcohol, but I felt okay. If I ever make it back to Nashville, I am going to get the regular hot seasoning instead of the native seasoning. But I could eat it again, if I had to. But I don't have to, do I?

I was watching this show recently called Celebrity Rehab on Video Hits 1. And it's awful I admit. But Gary Busey is on there and he is awesome. Nothing he said made any sense. The lady who was married to Chuck Finley was on there as well, and she looked terrible compared to when she was in those Whitesnake videos and Seinfeld. Anyway, watch it when they do reruns and listen to how Gary Busey thinks he's not in the rehab because he's an addict, but he's in the rehab because he's like an assistant counselor for the other celebrity addicts. It's priceless. And the drummer from Guns N Roses is just pitiful. And have you ever noticed how Dr. Drew talks to these idiots in such a serious tone? He takes himself way too seriously. I just sit there and mutter to myself - Rehab is for quitters.

The Machine You Use To Predict Plays During Monday Night Football

The Charred Pork Bucket on Monday nights really encapsulates what Hobbes was always talking about - man is wolf to every other man. They have a trivia game and a poker tournament going on at the same time. The poker losers don't play for money - they play for something less tangible - they should play to see who will get to leave with their dignity intact. If you want to play poker - that's cool, but if you play poker where no money is changing hands - that's retarded. As far as the trivia goes, they are the ugliest group of people you will ever see in one place at one time. Frightening.

This trivia question comes up about what west coast state was the 31st admitted to the union. So, Andy and I are running the states down as best we can trying to eliminate the most recent 19 that got in. And the old drunk guy is sitting across from us - so we're mentioning lots of states. Andy would say "Oklahoma." I'd say "like 1911." And the old drunk guy would yell "That's not a west coast state." Andy would say "New Mexico." I'd say "Around 1913." And the old drunk guy screamed "That's not a west coast state." Finally, I say to Andy "Would you tell him to quit insulting us by telling us what states aren't on the west coast?" So Andy says "Dick, we're working on the answer in a different way." And the old drunk guy rubs his face, looks down, sips his scotch, and says "Who gives a fuck."

Another question came up about the 4 highest grossing films of the past 12 years with either the word bride or wedding in the title. So, I'm running the movies in my head and Andy has his list going and we're a minute from conferring and coming up with answers. Then Dave says "Father of the Bride." I say "That's 1991." Dave says "Father of the Bride 2." I say "That movie is from 95." Then he says "What about Father of the Bride 5?" You gotta hand it to Dave - he does have a really good sense of humor. We got all of them right anyway.

I was perusing the world wide web of deceit recently and noticed a site called The Huffington Post. I don't have any idea what the site is supposed to be about, but there wasn't anything on there about huffing paint. I was really disappointed.

I also saw a picture of this old Kenyan woman who is supposed to be Barack Hussein Obama's grandmother. And she was really ugly. Putrid.

I wandered into a bar one time and they had these machines where you could predict the plays during Monday Night Football. So I played it because Ernie Zampese was the Dallas Offensive Coordinator at the time. And he was a genius (he would chain smoke up in the press box during the game) - anyway I'm predicting almost every call that Zampese is making. And I'm winning this stupid game. So the name I played under was Dan Quayle. And this one guy was getting a little upset that he wasn't winning. So about halfway through the 3rd quarter this guy yells over to me "Who are you?" And I said "Dan Fucking Quayle." I'm a pretty easy going person, but don't get me riled up about Dan Quayle, because I will mock someone endlessly if they say anything bad about him. And this guy who I was beating at the stupid play predicting game - he got mocked endlessly the rest of the game. Endlessly. Dallas crushed the Eagles 34-12 if I remember correctly.

I was on a date one time with Amy Teske and we were sitting in the movie theater at the Continent and we were watching Planes, Trains, and Automobiles. This was December 1987. And so it gets to be about an hour into the movie and then I looked over at her and she looked over at me - and we both smiled.

The #7 Without Sausage

I was sitting at Get Bent Lounge last night and J starts talking about a hostess at a place called The Moo Latto who he swears is smoking hot. So, he's describing this girl to Andy (and Andy has been in The Moo Latto a few times) and they are not seeing eye to eye on what this girl looks like - I think it had to do with how tall she was or something. Then J says "I'm not sure, I was pretty distant from her." So I ask him "Distant in the physical or metaphysical sense?" He says "She was about 8 feet away." Then later J was talking about units of something. So I asked "Have you ever considered becoming a eunuch?" Andy spit his beer out.

Geilfuss started his own blog awhile back and it is simply awesome. In one recent post he describes in detail what he'd do if zombies attack - I'm not making that up. His solution involves a liquor store, Ving Rhames, Creech missing a rehab meeting, and the board game Sorry. I would link my readers to his blog, but that would be cruel on my part. It's so inside that the only people who get it are Geilfuss and the voices in his head.

If you're ever in Northern Virginia and you have the radio on in the car, tune it to this station that has John Thompson doing sports talk. He's so bad that it's hard not to drive off the road. He works with a guy named Smokin' Al Cokehead - and he is like Thompson's lap dog - no matter how irrational, non-factual, or straight stupid Thompson sounds, this poor Al character has to agree with him. I hope Michael Graham calls in from time to time - because I don't recall Graham ever putting two syllables together that made any sense when he played for the Hoyas.

I went into Dunkin Donuts and the guy behind the counter was arguing with a guy in front of the counter about a #7 and what happens when the #7 comes without sausage. The guy behind the counter was calling it plain and the guy in front of the counter thought plain meant just a bagel and he wanted cheese and egg (just no sausage). They debated this for several minutes and then the guy behind the counter asks the guy in front of the counter what kind of bagel he wants the #7 without sausage on and the guy says "Huh?" And then the guy behind the counter says "Plain?" I just wanted my coffee, but I said "Can I have a plain #7 on a plain bagel with plain cream cheese in a plain old brown bag, because I'm on my way to catch a plane and listen to On A Plain." He said "What Sir?" I said "I'll start this off without any words. I got so high I scratched til I bled." He said "What?" I said "The finest day that I've ever had is when I learned to cry on command." A smelly hippie behind me said "Don't be an asshole." I said to everyone in the Dunkin "One more special message to go, then I'm done and I can go home." And I left that Dunkin Donuts.

I saw a movie called Rachel Getting Married and I didn't really get it. There is this crazy girl (played by the girl who is in The Devil Wears Nada) and she gets out of some kind of insane asylum to attend her sister's wedding. Now, I've never spent more than a few weeks at a time in an insane asylum. But I can tell you that the people I met in those places are crazy. I wouldn't invite them to a wedding, that's for sure. It's probably why I've never been invited to a wedding myself - you wouldn't want me there making everyone uncomfortable. And the crazy girl in this movie is way crazier than I've ever been. I liked her though. We would definitely get along. She pretty much acted inappropriately in all social situations - so right there we have that in common. And she looked hot. And that's really all that matters - crazy and hot.

Speaking of crazy and hot - I was out with this girl named Lisa McClure one time. Now this was 1986 in like May. I didn't have my license yet because I was 15 at the time. So she was also 15 and bulimic - but she was really hot. So we were hanging out in this fort behind my friend Bill Denen's house (this fort was pretty cool, we had old leather seats from some car in there and candles and and lots of porn all over the walls - we called it Fort Chaos). So Lisa and I are in this fort and we are going at it for a number of hours. Time got away from us and it got to be like 1 am. I was supposed to have her home by 11. So, we go back to my house and we are coming up with some story to stay out of trouble. Turns out that her father had called the cops and he and my male guardian were driving all over the place looking for us. So, this was going to end badly. By the time I walk her into her kitchen at like 2 am, her father comes up to me and hits me pretty good in the face. I didn't mind that too much, considering. He knew I'd just spent hours alone somewhere with his daughter and he wasn't stupid (he was a pretty successful guy in business or law or something). Lisa was grounded for like two months. Me - no punishment. But I can tell you the one thing that is burned into my memory from that night the most (and it's not what we did in Fort Chaos - although that was really something) - it's this: After Lisa's father stepped back from hitting me when I took her home, I remember thinking - Jesus she smells like sex. And that I'll never forget. Ever. I haven't seen old Lisa since 1987, but that's ok. She listened to Boston for god's sake.

Andy, Ross, Geilfuss and I went over to this sushi place again last night - only we didn't eat. Our buddy Graham was there and it was his little brother's 21st birthday. So we start doing Saki bombs. And those will get you drunk - fast. And they did.

Remember what Neil Young said - Once your gone, you can't come back.

Nothing Much

I was at a funeral home this week and I'm waiting for these people to give me this death certificate. So, they are having all sorts of problems finding it. Then this lady walks up to me and says "Did you know Robert well?" And I said "Not as well as I probably should have, no." She said "We all kind of feel that way at a time like this." And so I said "Lady, you have no idea how I feel at a time like this." And she didn't.

I was at a bank the other day and I was trying to close an account. So I'm sitting there in a bit of a daze and this woman comes in and says "Sir, we can't help you." And I got up from this chair and said "Boy, that's the truth."