So, I'm sitting at the bar out at the Zoo Station playing trivia by myself one Monday night in June or July of 2007. And there's this guy to my left playing the game as well. I didn't really speak to him much, but he did ask me several times what answer I'd given to something or other after I'd turned the answer in. He was pretty annoying because he only asked me if he knew the answer and was hoping I didn't know the answer. He wanted to rub in how smart he was (of course knowing useless trivia is not in any way indicative of intelligence) - I didn't know at the time what his deal was exactly. I ended up beating him and coming in 3rd place that game. I saw him again like a month later and he asks me at one point if I want to join up and play as one team. I was there by myself again. So, I said ok. And that was one of the dumbest things I've ever done. Believe me, I regret it still.
Next thing I know, he starts showing up at two different trivia games every week and playing trivia with our team. His name is Tom. Tom is in his late 50's.He looks like a cross between Lurch and Frankenstein and he is one of the most socially inept people I've ever met. We probably played trivia with him for around 4 months or so - and I was out of town for about half that time, so poor Andy and Jeff and everyone else was stuck with him. We quit playing trivia with him in Jan of 08.
I'm sitting there and a super easy question comes up about a song from the 80s. I tell Andy. Andy writes it down. End of question. Except for Tom. He says "Are you sure?" "Yes." "Are you 100%?" "Yes." "Well wait and use all the time." "Why?" "Let me play devil's advocate..."
Tom often boasted about how good his skin was. He'd say "Doctors always tell me how nice my skin is." "Why?" "No, seriously. I have really good skin." "I have no interest in hearing this Tom."
"Let me play devil's advocate..." "Oh, fuck Andy. I'm gonna start to mock him." And then I would. "Have you looked for work this week Tom?" "No." Have you approached any women for a date this week Tom?" "No. I'm not like you. I can't just go up and start talking to strangers." "How the hell did you ever start talking to me then?"
Tom liked to boast that back in the 70s & 80s he took a lot of Spanish Fly. "Why did you need it Tom?" "It wasn't for me. It was to heighten the woman's pleasure." "Isn't just being naked with you the highest state of pleasure known to womankind?" He never got too upset when I'd mock him because he was so into the next thing he was going to say that he barely understood what was going on. I'm not kidding. He was often 5 to 10 minutes behind on a conversation as well. He'd think of something and say it. Then I'd have to say "We haven't been talking about that for like 7 minutes Tom."
If you see Tom out somewhere or other do NOT ask him about these topics - 1) his trip to Europe in 1969. 2) when he lived in San Francisco in the 70s. 3) his townhouse. 4) his sex life. 5) playing trivia with Getting The Crabs. 6) what trivia game has he been to recently and can he please ask you all of the questions from that game. 7) Wild Turkey. 8) his notes.
Tom was awesome when we'd have a girl on the team on occasion. He almost insulted our friend Jess so badly that Andy was like 5 seconds from hitting him. I won't repeat what he said to her. And if I won't repeat something, it is really awful.
We change our team name pretty often (black ops) and Tom never could remember the different team names we were using. He also never got why we picked the names either. He never got anything I was saying.
"But I just saw that in my notes the other night."
Tom and our buddy Jeff are both from Pittsburgh and Tom was told this like a half dozen times and when it came up again for some reason (usually Jeff would tell some story about when he was in high school or something), Tom would say "Wow. Small world. I'm from Pittsburgh too." "Tom, Jeff's told you he's from Pittsburgh like 5 times." "Really? Cause I'm from Pittsburgh." "Jesus Christ Andy. What a fucking tool."
I was out playing a trivia game and Tom and I are the only two people playing that day. It was a big semi-final game. So there are like 25 teams or so playing. And we are doing ok up to halftime. And then in the second half I caught fire. I got all 9 questions right. We missed one of them because Tom insisted that he had been studying his notes and my answer was wrong. He was always saying "I was reading through my notes and saw this." Or "I was studying some lists I have and this was on it." A lot of the time he was right when he insisted he'd seen something in his notes that covered whatever question was being asked. Anyway, we soared into the lead in the 2nd half and were winning. Then as the guys running the thing get ready for the final question they play Hey Ya on the sound system. And I love that song. I get teary eyed when it comes on. And I'm feeling it. And Tom keeps talking about nothing. "Could you just shut up for 4 minutes and listen to the song?" And he couldn't. I got so agitated that I got up and left before the final question was finished. I never played trivia with him again.
"Let me play devil's advocate for just a minute..."
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