Your Ignorance Is Breathtaking

I was at the Charred Pork Bucket and Bob was trying to make an analogy about how difficult something was and he decided on this gem - "It's like going to Joe Montana's house and trying to find the bathroom after you've only been there once before." So I was baffled by that. About a half hour passed, and as I was getting ready to leave, Bob was asking these terribly insensitive questions about dementia to my buddy Dave (Dave's father had dementia for some time toward the end of his life). I won't dignify what Bob said here, but after a series of asinine and downright insulting (not to mention ignorant) questions to Dave about his father's dementia, I said to Dave, loud enough so Bob could hear, - "You know the only thing left to cover is this - "Did your father ever go to Joe Montana's house, and if he did, did he have any trouble finding the bathroom?" Dave about fell over laughing.

I was in an airport last Wednesday, the day after the Obama coronation, and there were like a million black ladies there all wearing these full-length fur coats. I was trying to keep a low profile. But, alas one of them said to me "Were you at the inauguration yesterday?" I replied "No. I had to work." I was trying to be cool and let this women have her moment and all. But then she said "That's a shame. It was such an historic day. We were all crying tears of joy. One of our own has finally made it to the White House." I said "There is this terrible rumor going around that Obama's mother is white. Can you believe the nerve of some of these kooks? Spreading vicious lies." She said "Child, his mother was white. Where you been livin'? Under a rock?" I said "Oh, damn. I'm sorry - but wouldn't that technically make him the first mulatto president?"

On the flight there were dozens of folks flying home from the festivities. I was fortunate enough to be sitting next to a young woman wearing a shirt that said -Yes We Did. So, I'm minding my own business again - looking at a New Yorker and this girl had to start a conversation. She said "Didn't that speech he gave just move you?" I said "I didn't hear any of it." She said "You missed an eloquent address." I said "Is it true the only person he quoted in the entire speech was old Tommy Paine?" She said "Who is that?" I replied "Like one of the greatest patriots in our country's founding." She said "He would never quote a dead white pro-slavery founding father." I said back "Your ignorance is breathtaking." And it was.

After we landed, a few bags were missing, including one of mine. One of the fur coat brigade was in the same boat and she said to me "How can they misplace bags? It's a non-stop flight. Can you believe this?" I said to her "Meat is murder." She said "Oh, you're one of those liberals." I said "Not exactly ma'am."

A cab driver asked me about my plans for the next four years, you know, living with Obama and everything. I said "It's nothin' but a thing." He said "What?" I said "I'm a dude, playing a dude, disguised as another dude." "What?" "I'm just a little boy playin' with his dick when he's nervous." He pulled over and threw me out.

I was watching this movie with Edward Norton and Naomi Watts recently and it wasn't too awful. All of these Chinamen were dying of some disease that makes you vomit and sweat uncontrollably. I don't remember what the disease or the movie was called. Anyway, I just kept thinking to myself - Naomi Watts looks pretty good with dark hair. And she did.

I threw up when I saw what I'd done.