Rehab Is For Quitters

I stopped into Charred Pork Bucket again last night, just briefly though. So Bob is playing these awful songs on the jukebox. I walked over to it and put a buck in and picked a song I knew all the old people in there would hate. About a half hour passes and Bob's songs end and he's back at the jukebox to inflict more pain on my ears, when the song I picked comes on - and he turns around and yells in my direction "Did you play this crap asshole?" I shook my head yes. Then all the old people in there were treated to 3 minutes of the Pixies' Monkey Gone To Heaven. The song ended and I got up and left. I was pretty happy about that.

Geilfuss mentioned a phrase in one of his blog entries that really stood out for me - it was "the Geilfuss Charm." Now, I've hung out with Geilfuss around 50 times the past year or so for a total of maybe 200 or 300 hours and I can say definitively - I have never heard him say anything charming to anybody. Nothing even close. In fact, I rarely know what he's talking about - although he constantly mentions Kobe Bryant and Kelly Gregg. And every story seems to include something about Creech stealing his shoes, then he goes walking around barefoot until a fat woman hits on him, takes him to her place and has her way with him until his dignity is tossed out the back door. I guess that's the Geilfuss Charm at work.

I wandered into this place called Players on W Market Street one Saturday in like 2005 and there were like a hundred fans wearing purple. There was a game on the projection screen between East Carolina and I think Rice. Anyway, an older lady all decked out in purple comes up to me and asks "You a Pirate backer honey?" I said "A pirate backer? Is that akin to a fudge packer Ma'am?" She said "I don't believe I like your mouth young man." I replied back "Well, quit talking to me you old quasi-regal looking ho."

I've asked a number of people if they saw Bobby Nyk in Nashville over last weekend. And the closest thing I got to a confirmation is from one of the Jacoby's. Luke said "I think I saw him passed out in an alley before the game grasping a bottle of Cuervo and his pants around his ankles." I said "Well, that could have been any number of drunk fans." Luke said "But this guy had a #69 jersey on." And in that case, it may have been Bobby Nyk. But maybe not. And the one for the money...

I was in a Thai restaurant one time in Nashville with this lady I used to work with named Rat. And she ordered the native seasoning on whatever she got and it was so hot that her head got swollen and the next morning she couldn't go into work because she couldn't insert her contacts into her Muppet-like eyeballs because of the heat from this native Thai seasoning making her cry all night. I went back into that place the next time I was working in Nashville and I got the native seasoning myself and I had them bring me a pitcher of water and I was fine. My head felt like it was on fire, but I was good. My nose felt like it would explode, but I was fine. And my tongue felt like it had been ravaged by pure grain alcohol, but I felt okay. If I ever make it back to Nashville, I am going to get the regular hot seasoning instead of the native seasoning. But I could eat it again, if I had to. But I don't have to, do I?

I was watching this show recently called Celebrity Rehab on Video Hits 1. And it's awful I admit. But Gary Busey is on there and he is awesome. Nothing he said made any sense. The lady who was married to Chuck Finley was on there as well, and she looked terrible compared to when she was in those Whitesnake videos and Seinfeld. Anyway, watch it when they do reruns and listen to how Gary Busey thinks he's not in the rehab because he's an addict, but he's in the rehab because he's like an assistant counselor for the other celebrity addicts. It's priceless. And the drummer from Guns N Roses is just pitiful. And have you ever noticed how Dr. Drew talks to these idiots in such a serious tone? He takes himself way too seriously. I just sit there and mutter to myself - Rehab is for quitters.