The #7 Without Sausage

I was sitting at Get Bent Lounge last night and J starts talking about a hostess at a place called The Moo Latto who he swears is smoking hot. So, he's describing this girl to Andy (and Andy has been in The Moo Latto a few times) and they are not seeing eye to eye on what this girl looks like - I think it had to do with how tall she was or something. Then J says "I'm not sure, I was pretty distant from her." So I ask him "Distant in the physical or metaphysical sense?" He says "She was about 8 feet away." Then later J was talking about units of something. So I asked "Have you ever considered becoming a eunuch?" Andy spit his beer out.

Geilfuss started his own blog awhile back and it is simply awesome. In one recent post he describes in detail what he'd do if zombies attack - I'm not making that up. His solution involves a liquor store, Ving Rhames, Creech missing a rehab meeting, and the board game Sorry. I would link my readers to his blog, but that would be cruel on my part. It's so inside that the only people who get it are Geilfuss and the voices in his head.

If you're ever in Northern Virginia and you have the radio on in the car, tune it to this station that has John Thompson doing sports talk. He's so bad that it's hard not to drive off the road. He works with a guy named Smokin' Al Cokehead - and he is like Thompson's lap dog - no matter how irrational, non-factual, or straight stupid Thompson sounds, this poor Al character has to agree with him. I hope Michael Graham calls in from time to time - because I don't recall Graham ever putting two syllables together that made any sense when he played for the Hoyas.

I went into Dunkin Donuts and the guy behind the counter was arguing with a guy in front of the counter about a #7 and what happens when the #7 comes without sausage. The guy behind the counter was calling it plain and the guy in front of the counter thought plain meant just a bagel and he wanted cheese and egg (just no sausage). They debated this for several minutes and then the guy behind the counter asks the guy in front of the counter what kind of bagel he wants the #7 without sausage on and the guy says "Huh?" And then the guy behind the counter says "Plain?" I just wanted my coffee, but I said "Can I have a plain #7 on a plain bagel with plain cream cheese in a plain old brown bag, because I'm on my way to catch a plane and listen to On A Plain." He said "What Sir?" I said "I'll start this off without any words. I got so high I scratched til I bled." He said "What?" I said "The finest day that I've ever had is when I learned to cry on command." A smelly hippie behind me said "Don't be an asshole." I said to everyone in the Dunkin "One more special message to go, then I'm done and I can go home." And I left that Dunkin Donuts.

I saw a movie called Rachel Getting Married and I didn't really get it. There is this crazy girl (played by the girl who is in The Devil Wears Nada) and she gets out of some kind of insane asylum to attend her sister's wedding. Now, I've never spent more than a few weeks at a time in an insane asylum. But I can tell you that the people I met in those places are crazy. I wouldn't invite them to a wedding, that's for sure. It's probably why I've never been invited to a wedding myself - you wouldn't want me there making everyone uncomfortable. And the crazy girl in this movie is way crazier than I've ever been. I liked her though. We would definitely get along. She pretty much acted inappropriately in all social situations - so right there we have that in common. And she looked hot. And that's really all that matters - crazy and hot.

Speaking of crazy and hot - I was out with this girl named Lisa McClure one time. Now this was 1986 in like May. I didn't have my license yet because I was 15 at the time. So she was also 15 and bulimic - but she was really hot. So we were hanging out in this fort behind my friend Bill Denen's house (this fort was pretty cool, we had old leather seats from some car in there and candles and and lots of porn all over the walls - we called it Fort Chaos). So Lisa and I are in this fort and we are going at it for a number of hours. Time got away from us and it got to be like 1 am. I was supposed to have her home by 11. So, we go back to my house and we are coming up with some story to stay out of trouble. Turns out that her father had called the cops and he and my male guardian were driving all over the place looking for us. So, this was going to end badly. By the time I walk her into her kitchen at like 2 am, her father comes up to me and hits me pretty good in the face. I didn't mind that too much, considering. He knew I'd just spent hours alone somewhere with his daughter and he wasn't stupid (he was a pretty successful guy in business or law or something). Lisa was grounded for like two months. Me - no punishment. But I can tell you the one thing that is burned into my memory from that night the most (and it's not what we did in Fort Chaos - although that was really something) - it's this: After Lisa's father stepped back from hitting me when I took her home, I remember thinking - Jesus she smells like sex. And that I'll never forget. Ever. I haven't seen old Lisa since 1987, but that's ok. She listened to Boston for god's sake.

Andy, Ross, Geilfuss and I went over to this sushi place again last night - only we didn't eat. Our buddy Graham was there and it was his little brother's 21st birthday. So we start doing Saki bombs. And those will get you drunk - fast. And they did.

Remember what Neil Young said - Once your gone, you can't come back.