A Night At The Hospital

I was in a hospital recently (I had a bit of a health scare) and was preparing to do something called a stress test and these technician type folks came over to me and asked me a few questions. Then they gave me some release to sign. One of the techs said "You can read it over before signing if you'd like." I said "I'm totally illiterate." The tech said "Oh, sorry about that. I'll read it to you." I was slightly taken aback and said "Do I really look like I can't read?" And the tech said "We never know in here."

I passed the stress test with flying colors (everyone who reads this blog and doesn't hate me will be pleased to know that I am in good shape cardiac-wise). Well, I learned some other things from all the x-rays and blood work they did on me, and they are pretty amazing: 1) my lungs are in good shape (I know, it seems impossible) and 2) my liver and kidneys are fine (I know, I know...it seems even more impossible). My blood work was awesome, with one exception that is common in smokers (I'm trying to quit now - although I feel like come September 5th I will be chain smoking as always during football Saturday).

I was given a turkey sandwich while in the ER and I ate 1 bite of it. My nurse (who was awesome - her name was Rose) came by and said "I can see you don't like the turkey." I said "Rose, I'm guessing you've never been in lock up, but that sandwich was worse than the sandwiches they give you in a county jail." And it's true. It was terrible.

I was being wheeled to get some chest x-rays by the x-ray tech and he was pushing the movable bed down the hallways and I asked him "What to you do when you get someone really enormous? I mean do you have to get help or what?" The dude started laughing and said "It's tough, but once we get them moving, it's fine. But, getting started can be tough." I said "That's basic physics. A body in motion stays in motion and a body at rest tends to stay at rest." He said "You're right on there."

I was texting back and forth to Jeff while I was in the ER (for those who don't know, Jeff is a thoracic surgeon) and when the blood girl took my blood so they could do the blood work, I texted Jeff this: My blood is red. So, that's a good sign at least. Jeff texted back: I always thought of you as a blue blood. By the way - I have already thanked Jeff for helping me out during my whole medical scare, but I want to do it once more. He got to the ER as fast as he could and consulted with the ER doc on my situation. And he didn't have to do any of that. So, thanks again to him. Also Alan - he rushed over to the ER between surgeries he was doing to look me over. Thanks to him too.

When they moved me from the ER up to the 3rd floor for the night, it was pretty interesting. The 3rd floor at St. Joe's is the maternity ward and they keep a couple beds open for folks who come in and the ER docs and cardiologists decide need a stress test (usually just as a precaution). Anyway, there I was with all the soon to be and just became moms on the same floor and everyone could not have been nicer. My nurses up on the 3rd floor were Nann and Mary. And yes, I did ask Nann the same questions I always ask all nurses I ever meet. The questions about how often guys get erections, catching guys masturbating, etc. And Nann humored me. She had a good sense of humor about it. But she also confirmed what I've heard before and long suspected: that stuff goes on more than most people think. Damn perverts - they're everywhere.

I was deathly afraid there for awhile Monday afternoon (turns out I might have some issue with a nerve or something neurological -we need to look into it). And I gotta say this - I managed to keep my sense of humor the whole time. I had the staff over at St. Joe's laughing pretty hard most of the time. So, that's something at least. You might be dying, but that's no reason to lose your sense of humor. It really isn't.

I've had a number of folks question my sanity, because within 45 minutes of being released from the hospital, I was back at work for the last 4 hours of the day. But I can't help myself there - if I'm not available to field questions and clarify issues, things might go wrong - way wrong. Several of the folks here I'm working with have mentioned that I might want to think about getting married in light of this whole health scare thing. And I don't quite get the connection personally, but I guess I'm not totally opposed to it. Now, who that girl might be - I have no idea at this point.

I wanna be the one who walks in the sun...

Big Adam Talks Tail

Sunday night I wandered into Get Bent Lounge at about a quarter to 8. And Jason's Drunk Roommate was in there - and he was drunk! He told me he had just bought a new razor, a pack of Newports, and 3 Choco Tacos for $10 from some dude on the corner- only he didn't have the pack of Newports with him. So, when he went back to get the pack of Newports, Jason liberated (as I like to put it) his old roommate's (remember, they no longer share a living space) new razor (it was nice, one of those Fusion deals). So, Jason's Drunk Roommate comes back and does have a pack of Newports, but it was a new pack of Newports because the guy who had sold Frank the original pack of Newports, the Fusion razor, and the 3 Choco Tacos was long gone (of course, I did opine aloud about how good a Choco Taco might taste if you bought it on a 90 degree day from some dude on a street corner). So, after Jason's Drunk Roommate bought the new pack of Newports and Jason took the Fusion razor, here's what Jason's Drunk roommate actually got for his $10 investment from the random dude on the corner - 3 semi-melted Choco Tacos; proving the old saying true once again: there's a drunk sucker born every minute. Later, Jason's Drunk Roommate screamed at me about the greatest music lyrics of all time. He named his top 3 in fact. And #1 was some awful lyrics by Blood, Sweat, & Tears - something like: I pray for heaven cause hell smells like my ass. Anyway, I won't bore anyone with the other 2 lyrics he was quoting, except to say one was Van Morrison and the other George Harrison. What's important to pass along is this - Jason's Drunk Roommate wanted to hear the Blood, Sweat, & Tears sing the stupid lyrics he loved so badly that he gave Jason 20 bucks to play it off YouTube. And Jason was more than happy to accede to the request after throwing the twenty into the tip bucket. And as Jason played this awful, awful, song by Blood, Sweat, & Tears (the name of it is: And When I Die) and Jason's Drunk Roommate sang along (poorly) to the ridiculous lyrics and screamed to have the volume cranked way up, George came down toward Jason's Drunk Roommate and said "What the fuck is this guy's problem?" I said "Oh, Frank is just lamenting the fact he paid $10 for 3 soggy Choco Tacos." George said "Oh."

Big Adam was also out Sunday and he was talking about the girl who is suing Ben Roethlisberger for sexual assault and Jason google imaged her and we were kind of talking about how attractive she is. Now, George and Jason seemed to agree that Roethlisberger could do much better, but the girl wasn't too bad. When Fat Adam (as Jess so accurately refers to him) heard this he chimed in "I wouldn't turn her down." I laughed uncontrollably for 5 minutes and Big Adam said "What's so funny?" And I replied "You felt the need to tell us you wouldn't turn her down, that's what is so funny."

Later Big Adam was talking about Erin Andrews and the whole peephole video out there (I haven't seen it). And Big Adam was describing Erin Andrews' body (he claimed that he had seen it). And he said this "She's got a nice ass and nice aveola." And I said "What, pray tell, are "aveola" Adam?" George and Jason were falling over laughing.

Oh, I almost forgot one more thing Jason's Drunk Roommate said that is worth repeating - when he revealed to me the George Harrison song that contains his 3rd favorite lyrics, here's what he called it: While My Guitar Gently Sleeps.

Life Goes On - Ahh!

Q & A With Jess

Note - A new feature to this pointless blog is being debuted today. Jess expressed some interest recently in sharing her experiences in Europe last month. Well, from that starting point, things kind of evolved to what you're about to read. I sent Jess a series of questions a few days ago. She responded to them and below is the result. I gotta say, you will enjoy it. She did an awesome job with her responses. Originally, I was gonna comment after each of her responses to the questions, but I don't see a need to comment much - Jess did that great of a job. If I do have a comment to anything, it will be in blue.

TBFH - Do you like sandwiches? And if you do, why? And do you have a favorite kind of sandwich? Also, how do you feel about condiments?

Jess - That's a rough 1st question!! Sandwiches are okay. I am so obsessed with bread and I'm pretty sure you can't make a sandwich without some sort of starch (bread, bagel, matzo, etc.). Deli meat reminds me of disgusting genitalia - so I can't physically put any of that grossness in my mouth and I feel like most sandwiches have some sort of deli meat in them, so they are pretty much a no-go. But I do have a favorite kind of sandwich known as the Reuben, but I will only eat mine with extra Swiss and sauerkraut and kosher corned beef. I do however, love condiments. My favorites are chunky bleu cheese dressing, spicy brown mustard and raspberry (frambuesa) jam. Condiments are so versatile; they can be used on food, in art projects and on bodies - although I don't see the 1st 2 of my favorite condiments being used on bodies, but hey, whatever floats your boat! What other product is so versatile??

TBFH - Birth control method of choice and why?

Jess - I double that shit up. I'm all for not getting pregnant! Personally...I use NuvaRing and Trojan Ultra-Ribbed (wrap it every time boys, we're in Towson for God's sake). Nuvarung is awesome because I don't have to remember to take a stupid pill everyday. My boobs did shrink when I switched from the pill to the ring , which sucked a lot. Let me just clear up the rumors on the ring (I had no idea there were rumors). It is a plastic ring the same size as the circumference of a Bud bottle that you put inside your hoo-ha and leave it there for 3 weeks. If you (guys) are "getting your fingers wet," then yes, you probably will feel it. Has it ever deterred a guy from continuing? Not that I know of. Can you feel it during the big act? It's possible, but I haven't had any complaints. The ring is becoming a pretty popular method with the ladies, so get used to it guys. (I would heed her advice. This was really enlightening for me.)

TBFH - Worst thing about growing up in Owings Smells?

Jess - The Metro!!!! When I was in elementary school, I could go to the Owings Smells Mall and my mother would let me go to a store a few down from where she was shopping. Then gradually, through middle school, she would accompany me and my friends as we tried as hard as we could to act cool. In high school I started to hear stories of stabbings and shootings at the movie theater and local carnival. I miss being able to go shopping in a mall that has stores similar to the ones in Towson. Instead, my options are either Shaniqua's Closet type stores or empty store fronts. I haven't even been to that mall in years and even as an adult I don't think it is somewhere my parents would want me to go. Now, please don't think this has anything to do with race. There is just as much white trash that comes up from the city as black folks. They all wear the same hood rat "shorts" that come down to their ankles and the lovely ladies wear belly shirts when going to the movies - these ladies should be investing in lipo or maybe a vegetable or 2. I used to play all day in my neighborhood and even my own overprotective parents never worried about my safety. Flash forward to my senior year of High School when my Dad comes running into my bedroom at 7 am on a Saturday morning, wearing only his tighty-whities, asking me where my car is. After running to his room to look out the front windows, I saw the empty spot where Hunter Honda was parked the night before. The fucking hoodlums stole my fucking car. Fuck the Metro! Yes, I'm still bitter. (The only thing I know about Owings Smells is that the guy who plays devil's advocate and studies his notes lives there. I'm staying away just on that fact alone.)

TBFH - Where do you stand on the whole trim presentation debate?

Jess - The less body hair the better. I do know guys that shave everything from their armpits to their special friends and I'm okay with that. I don't mind (a little bit) arm hair and leg hair, but everything else can go in my opinion. You kind of have to look at it this way...if you don't want a bush on your girl, why would she want one on you? Trim away my friends. I don't have a thing to add or a snide comment to make.

TBFH - Who, if anyone is your favorite person to hang out with at Get Bent Lounge? And why?

Jess - Oh wow, that's tough! I'll have to break it down since I have so many favorites, and it all depends on my mood.

All the time - Andy...duh! (good answer)

If I need to pee my pants or just get a good laugh - You (obviously)

If I need to hear about the latest and greatest drugs - The Dream Team

When I want to practice my espanol - Jorge or Jose

If I want to hear made up stories and learn what a "blow roast" is - Fat Adam (I've called him Big Adam on this blog - but to be fair, he is fat.)

As much as I try not to go there all the time, I love being able to walk in on a shitty day and be sure to find someone to talk to. Yeah, I know...that sounds super cheesy; get over it.

TBFH - Which is your favorite language besides for your native language?

Jess - Well, I only actually understand 2 (real) languages, but I know the English, Spanish, Greek, Italian, French, and Hebrew alphabets and I can count to 10 in a few others (I'm convinced it will come in handy one day). However, my favorite language is Pig Latin. It was always a stupid language I would use just to goof around with my friends - when I was in Spain it really came in handy! When I was on the Metro in Spain, I could never really tell if people understood English or not. So, when we were talking shit about skanks on the Metro, we had to whisper until we realized that if we spoke in Pig Latin no one would be able to understand us unless they were American and went to public school. Shits and giggles aside...my favorite language that a group of people legitimately speak would have to be Icelandic. It is known as one of the hardest, if not the hardest, language to learn. So, what are the chances someone would understand you if you were talking shit - almost 0%! I like that. (I have often wanted to meet an Icelandic babe)

TBFH - You were recently in Spain and France, what is your opinion of the culture of both places? And the food? And the women? And the smell?

Jess - Loved Spain. Hated France.

Spain was just incredible. The culture just blew me away. People are just in this whole different pace of life and being able to get a beer instead of a Coke at McDonalds was pretty cool. I wasn't really impressed by any of the food in Spain unless it came from my host mother's kitchen. The women in Spain were decent. There weren't as many gorgeous women as I thought there would be. The men however were drop dead gorgeous (losing interest here). I will marry a Spanish man, mark my words (that is bad news for every guy reading this blog). Hopefully my future husband is Sergio, my Spanish lover. But we'll see, I'm usually not that lucky. You can't turn your head and not see a modelesque looking man. Ahhh the memories. The bars and clubs were incredible. We pregamed almost every night at an Irish Pub called Dubliner's, a huge shocker right? (Shocking!) The clubs were just crazy. The girls didn't dress up as much as I thought they would, but the guys definitely did. On another note, I have never wanted to be a promoter for deodorant as much as I did in Spain. The smell was really bad on the Metro. There were times when I would sing songs about bathing and using deodorant. Another smell I completely forgot about since they banned smoking inside bars and clubs in the States was the horrid smell of your clothes after a night out.

France sucked. The food was incredible, I'll definitely give them that. Women were pretty. Never went to a bar and the smell wasn't as bad as Spain. However, the people sucked dirty ball sacks and for that reason I will not give them more than the few sentences they deserve.

TBFH - Most memorable thing that happened to you over in Europe?

Jess - Spending the night with someone who didn't speak the same language as me. It's quite interesting and surprisingly sexy. Don't judge. Try it. (I can neither confirm nor deny any such experience happening to me.)

TBFH - Who do you mock the most and why?

Jess - I don't really mock as much as I talk shit. So, there isn't one person who I mock more than anyone else. I tend to talk shit about the skanks in Towson - they gross me out and need to go home where they came from and stop spreading STD's to the few men available. (If the skanks left, Geilfuss would be in big trouble.)

TBFH - Have you ever had sex with someone and regretted it? Or been with a guy that was so bad you were laughing at him? Or both?

Jess - I make a point not to regret having sex with someone because in that moment it's what I wanted. Sure, I've said to myself that I would never hook up with him again, but regret is a waste of time. Sometimes though, I will laugh at guys if they are bad or they do something really stupid. For example, what are you guys thinking when you are in missionary and randomly start moving your hips in a circle? Who taught you that? (Probably internet porn for most guys) That does nothing for me and a bunch of my friends agree. So, if I ever come across a guy that does that, I can't help but chuckle. I really try and not take sex so seriously because then you won't have as much fun. So whenever a guy gets way too into it and it's a casual relationship, I give up and tell him some really convincing excuse of why I have to stop. Life isn't a romance novel. Sex doesn't have to be romantic and "special," so whoever told people that needs to shut the fuck up. (Amen!)

TBFH - What's you favorite alcoholic beverage? And why?

Jess - Champagne. I get giggly and silly. The best kind of drunk. (I believe I have witnessed this, and she is right.)

TBFH - Who has the best job in the world?

Jess - Air Force Amy and the rest of the whores from the Bunny Ranch. The bitch gets to have sex for a living and makes well over 6 figures. One time I was watching an episode of Cathouse and Sunset Thomas charged these 2 brothers (related by blood, not the other kind of brothers) $300 for a masturbation party. All she did was get herself off and made $150 for it (the house made the other $150 - for everyone who doesn't know, that's how a whorehouse works).

TBFH - What's the worst movie you've ever watched all the way through?

Jess - Love Squirts is the worst movie I have ever sat and watched all the way through. Coming from my orgasm-less life, I can proudly say that I have watched more porn than most girls that I know of (I like to make sure I'm not doing anything incorrect). Although this lovely DVD came free with a purchase from Adam & Eve, I really think it never should have been released to begin with. Some of the "Squirters" in this movie aren't even really shooting anything out of their va-jay-jay's (never thought I'd type that word) besides water and their "acting" skills are wayyyy sub par, even for the high-talent industry they are in. Watch if you must, but I recommend wasting your time with a better production, such as Gush.

TBFH - How do you feel about the augmentation of the vagina?

Jess - Augmentation goes both ways. This is one thing where bigger isn't better. If you have had a baby's head pop out of your kahslopkes (another word I thought I'd never type) it's best to get things back to where they were when you were 13 or younger, that's for the skanks out there. For this I recommend plastic surgery. You can actually get your hymen back. If you don't have the money to do that or you haven't had a baby and you just want to tighten up after a slutty weekend, get yourself a set of Ben Wa Balls. I use Smart Balls by Fun Factory and they are incredible. Google them to see what they look like. I put them in for one day a week and wear them all day (Oh boy - here we go) and it works my looove muscles and keeps everything super tight. I'm all for surgery if you can do it but the Smart Balls work too and you don't have to have had a baby to use them. In this case, the tighter, the better. (I couldn't agree more)

TBFH - What is the most interesting trip you have ever taken?

Jess - During senior week I hooked up with the piercer who did my belly button. He is pierced and tattooed, totally not my type, but he is huge where it counts and we had fun. So later that summer I decided to respond with an absofuckinglutley to his booty call, slightly forgetting the drive from here to Ocean City isn't really just a hop around the beltway. So I drove down there (in 2 hours 12 minutes, my personal record) and got there just as he was getting off work, around 10 pm. We went back to his house, but he didn't want to hook up because his roommate had some friends over. I had to work at 9 the next morning, so I was really hoping this would be a bing-bam-boom kinda booty call, but I was so far from wrong. I finally left for Baltimore at around 4 am. While I was merging from 50, I was falling asleep and ran an undercover cop off the road. I swear to this day that the only reason I didn't get pulled over is because of my special sticker (leaves me wondering how I can get one). I finally made it back to Baltimore in one piece in the ghetto where Chelsea was living at the time and where I told my mom I spent the night. I used my key to get in and passed out on the couch and woke up 2 minutes before we went to work. I ended up telling my boss I was throwing up in the bathroom and had to go home, the fact that I was having trouble walking from the night before really gave my vomiting story the extra something that my boss needed for convincing. Of course there are a few details I left out that really make the story better, but I don't know every person who is reading this, so it is slightly censored. But if you ever see me don't hesitate to ask if you're really that curious. (She's easy to find if you want the details).

Spanish bombs

Unscrambling Ana Graham

I got a text from Geilfuss the other night and it simply said: At Friday's. So, I texted him back that I was about to work out but I'd be over there later. Well, I walked into the place about 9:00 and the situation was one that only Geilfuss could find himself in. Geilfuss was there with Smedium and some girl who is not dating Smedium (I think her name was Carly). Anyway, around the bar to the right there was a pretty young couple on a date. What happened before I got there was this: Carly had gotten the number of the girl on the date and was texting her to dump the guy she was with and come hang with Geilfuss. Now, Geilfuss fueled things by buying the girl several shots. So for the first 15 to 20 minutes I was there, Geilfuss and this girl on this date are making all these silly glances and sheepish smiles at each other. Well, about 9:30 this girl comes over and starts talking to me and Geilfuss. I discerned 2 things very quickly about this girl 1) she was hammered and 2) she wasn't very bright. Now, the guy on the date went outside (I assume to fume over his date leaving him for Geilfuss). What I did next was a huge mistake. I went out to smoke and the guy on the date started pouring his heart out to me. As he was doing this I kept thinking: this could only happen to me. The kid told me that he was there with the girl on a 1st date. He told me that he had been trying to get her to go out with him for a YEAR. He told me that he really liked her and had befriended her friends just to get a chance with her. At several points the kid was tearing up - seriously, he was crying a little. I didn't have much advice for him other than I told him that I'm not sure that he wants to date a girl who gets super drunk on a 1st date and gets picked up by Geilfuss. So I go back inside and relay the information I just heard to Geilfuss, Smedium, and Carly. Geilfuss admitted to feeling bad about the whole situation. I told him not to feel too bad because the person really in the wrong here was this drunk girl. I then stood there and had a couple beers just chatting with Geilfuss and the drunk girl. I was mocking her pretty bad. Alas, she was too drunk and too stupid to get anything I was telling her. The guy on the date kind of stood around for awhile looking sad, angry, and pitiful. Eventually he took off without ever saying a word to Geilfuss or his date for the night. The thing is that the kid only paid for what he ate and drank for the night. The drunk girl still had a tab. It got to be a little after 10 and I was talking to Smedium and Carly and looked over and Geilfuss' new girlfriend was passed out with her head on the bar. I said "Geilfuss, you've got to get her out of here." He said "I know." Then what happened is one of the saddest series of events I have ever heard of (and slightly participated in). And this is what happened: Geilfuss paid her check, took her car key, escorted her out, walked her to the parking garage, fucked her in the parking garage, drove her home out somewhere off Putty Hill, walked her inside, realized she lived with her 2 older brothers, hid in her bedroom, heard loud knocking on the bedroom door, was politely asked to leave the premises or risk bodily harm, walked out of the house, called me for a ride because he was 3 miles from home and walking down Joppa. When he finally showed up at Get Bent Lounge at about 11:30 (Smedium came and scooped him eventually) I asked him one thing "Where the hell are your shoes?" Geilfuss looked down at his feet and said "Fuck! It happened again!"

I was out at Patrick Bateman's last night for the stupid trivia and Andy and I were helping out Nana's crew. And Nana's crew had about 11 people out. It was a big group. The problem was that the old guy with the white mustache was there again. I have blogged before about how annoying he can be and he proved it again last night. One question was about how many states were in the Confederacy and how many were in the Union during the civil war. Well, the confederate part is easy. I was working furiously to figure out the Union when the old guy with the white mustache comes over and says "How many you got for the South?" I said "11." He said "I only got 10." I said "OK." He said "What's the 11th?" I said "I'm a little busy here." He said "I can't think of the 11th." I said "You've made me painfully aware of that." Later an anagram comes up as a question. It was a song from 1990. It took like 25 seconds but I unscrambled it and came up with Opposites Attract. The old guy with the white mustache said "Is that by Debbie Reynolds?" I said "No." The last question of the night was a hard one. We were down 2 points to Getting The Crabs. So we needed it badly. The question was who in 2005 was the first artist to have his debut single reach #1 on the Billboard chart. Now, I went deep into my own little world to rack my brain for the answer (some of you reading this have witnessed firsthand what it's like when I'm reaching deep into the vast recesses of my brain for some nugget of info and you know that you should never talk to me while I'm doing this) and I finally look up and ask Andy and the good Tom what they've got and I said "Me too, but I hate the answer. There's no way that's right I don't think." Then the old guy with the white mustache says "How about Rick Astley?" I said "That's it. I can't think any more Andy. He literally just blew my mind." I said to the old guy with the white mustache "You're only about 17 years off there." Well, we ended up going with the bad answer that I knew wasn't going to be right, but we won anyway. We won because Andy knows how to bet on final questions. We bet 3. Getting The Crabs bet 6. They missed it too. In fact everyone missed it. We won by 1 point. It was all due to the old guy with the white mustache, because if I'd of kept thinking I might have come up with another wrong answer and told Andy to risk more points and we'd have lost. So, this is maybe the only incidence in the long annals of trivia where the old guy with the white mustache helped lead us to victory.

It's been pretty busy here with work this week. But I want to pass along one short anecdote about it. I was sitting with one of the groups and trying to guide them to coming to a decision on something. And after about 5 minutes of talking it was clear to me that it was no longer productive to discuss the issue (I have foud that sometimes the best decision to make is not to make a decision - we call these DNU's {Do Not Use}). Well, the folks from Texas that contract with us have guys at the tables to take notes and record all the decisions that the groups make throughout the week. Anyway, the guy from Texas who was recording the notes and so forth at the table when I told them the best decision is to not make a decision sat there for a minute and looked a little confused and then asked "So, let me get this straight. Why is it DNU?" I said "Crossman, it's DNU because it's DNU. Move on."

I saw where Barack Hussein Obama decided to insult all the cops the other night at some fake press conference. I wasn't watching, obviously. But some moron worshipper/reporter asked old Barry about some incident that went down in the People's Republic of Cambridge recently. What happened is that a white cop arrested a black Harvard professor for screaming racial slurs at him and taunting the cop about his mama. It's pretty obvious that the black professor was being an asshole. And when you're an asshole to cops, they don't like that. They're gonna run you in on some charge. So, the white cop ran the black professor in. End of story. Nope. This black professor is a friend of old Barry's apparently and when asked about his buddy being run in, old Barry claimed that the cop had acted "stupidly." Of course he also admitted he did not know any of the facts of what happened. And I can see an idiot at Get Bent Lounge spouting off half assed about how the police have mistreated a buddy of theirs without knowing the facts of what went down - hell in there dudes give worthless opinions based on nothing concrete by the minute (George and J at least). But old Barry? Say it ain't so my messiah. Old Barry has quite properly been mocked and criticized for his ridiculously baseless assessment of the situation in The People's Republic of Cambridge. As for me, when I heard about the situation in The People's Republic of Cambridge I had 2 thoughts 1) what does this dude teach at Harvard? (Turns out it's something called African American Research - I have no idea what that could possibly entail) and 2) they have cops in The People's Republic of Cambridge? Who knew? I would of thought that all the commie/hippie losers wouldn't need any cops around. I mean they're living in the perfect town with other commie/hippie losers. Why would they need cops?

I also saw where some dude for the White Sox pitched a perfect game. Andy told me the guy's name. And I said "Is he a burly fellow Andy? I mean it would be appropriate if he were a burly fellow. You know, what with his name being Buehrle and all?"

I'm cooking up something new for the next post. You won't want to miss it.

I'm not a doctor, put them in a rapture

A slick brother that can easy outfox ya

Keith Debates A Skanky Conundrum

I was sitting near Jason's Drunk Roommate (although to be up to date and accurate, they are not roommates any longer) last night for just about an hour at Get Bent Lounge and the guy has problems remembering my name. I've probably told him my name a half dozen times over the past 6 months, so he should remember it by now. I'm not upset or offended that the guy can't remember my name, but I've decided to not tell him anymore. When Jason's Drunk Roommate asked my name again last night, I said "Frank, that's it. I'm not telling you my name anymore." And Jason's Drunk Roommate said "That's OK. I don't care anyway." So I said "Why did you ask then?" Later, Roland asked Jason's Drunk Roommate what kind of position he'd be interested in accepting at Get Bent Lounge. I said "Doggy style Roland. He wants to accept a doggy style position." Jason's Drunk Roommate got a little offended by that and started on a 5 minute homophobic rant. I only mention it because he kept mispronouncing homosexual - he kept pronouncing it "homer sexual." I stopped him at one point and said "Frank, just use the term butt cowboy for Christ's sake."

I ran into a guy who was wearing a t-shirt that had 2 faces on it. The faces were of Barack Hussein Obama and Dr. King. I asked the dude wearing the t-shirt if Dr. King was Barack Hussein Obama's father. He said "That not be possible bro. Dr. King be dead when my messiahs was borned." I said "Hmmm...I might be wrong on this, but I believe Barack Hussein Obama was born in 1961. And I also believe that Dr. King was alive until April 4, 1968 - at least according to that U2 song from The Unforgettable Fire." The dude wearing the t-shirt seemed slightly taken aback and utterly befuddled to be frank (not Jason's Drunk Roommate Frank). So, he kinda said something along these lines "What makes ya says that Dr. King might be my messiahs daddy?" I said "Well, if you believe that cross dresser J Edgar Hoover, he liked to fuck white women, didn't he?"

I saw where Joe Biden got all raged up on boner medication at a meeting with the Geriatric Nazi's yesterday and made an astonishingly stupid statement, even for him. Joe told the old folks that the only way to keep the US from going bankrupt was to keep spending more and more money. And I wondered if the old people in attendance at this staged and fake event, an event put on by the the Geriatric Nazi's, mocked him for such a laughably moronic statement. But apparently no one laughed or even batted an eye at him. Instead, all the old ladies in the place were evidently staring so hard and longingly at Joe Biden's massively erect, boner medicated penis that they weren't paying attention to a word he said. I'm sure there were some fine looking blue haired women in the audience who old Joe would have been happy to apply his massively erect, boner medicated penis on for four hours (at which point they'd have to rush him to the hospital from priapism).

I was talking to Keith the other night outside of the Turquoise Terrapin during halftime of the trivia game and he mentioned that the old skanks in Catonsville have been all over him recently. The interesting thing is Keith said he was contemplating turning some of these old skanks on to my blog, but was reluctant to do so, because I'd mentioned on this very blog that he runs into lots of old skanks in Catonsville. I said "That's a classic Catch-22 right there Keith." And it really is, because if the old skanks in Catonsville read this blog and see that I, and by extension Keith, refer to them as old skanks from Catonsville, then the old skanks from Catonsville might be much less likely to be skanky for Keith. Although my advice for Keith was to go ahead and give the old skanks from Catonsville this blog's address, because skanks generally don't modify their skanky behavior simply because someone like me calls them a skank. Skanks will tend to stay skanky no matter what - it's why they're called skanks.

Out at that Grasshopper's game I mentioned last week I saw something that I feel compelled to share. In the bottom of the 3rd and 7th innings the Hoppers have this dog come out (her name is Miss Babe Ruth) and sit with her trainer right by the home dugout. After an at bat ends, what happens is that Miss Babe Ruth goes over to where the bat is lying on the ground and picks it up and brings it back to her trainer who then gives it to one of the ball boys. It is awesome to watch. Granted, if you don't like dogs, then it may not be all that exciting. But, me personally, I like dogs way more than people - so I found it really cool to watch Miss Babe Ruth retrieve the bats. The other thing they do with her is after the game, they bring her and another dog (who I think might be her brother) out and they shoot tennis balls into the outfield and Miss Babe Ruth and her brother race after them and bring them back to home plate. The funny thing was that last Wednesday when the first tennis ball was fired into the outfield, Miss Babe Ruth stopped racing after it just by the pitcher's mound. Her brother was flying out toward left field to retrieve the tennis ball, but Miss Babe Ruth stopped and took a dump. It was pretty amusing.

Babylon sisters....shake it.

Willie Mays Breaks It Down

I was sitting at some pretty awful place last night, playing trivia with Geilfuss and this question comes up about some sports trophy given to the best rookie in whatever sport. We had no idea what the answer was. So a minute passed and then Geilfuss said "Fisting?" I said "Not sure I'd really label fisting a sport per se, but I got nothing better." Geilfuss said "No, not fisting. Fishing." I said "Dude, I like fisting as the answer way more than fishing." Geilfuss said "OK. Sounds good enough to me." Geilfuss is never hard to convince (about almost anything). But I explained further "Think about it. All you do when fishing is toss your rod into a lake or river, crack open a beer, and wait - not much activity there. While fisting - that's much more involved and requires much greater physical exertion and mental toughness. I mean just the messiness factor alone - you know, you've got vaginal juices all over your hand and all the way up to your wrist Geilfuss." He said "Alright. You make a good point there. We'll go with it as the answer." Then Geilfuss got up to take the answer slip to the girl running the game and just before he was about to turn it in, I yelled "GEILFUSS!!! WAIT!!!" He stopped and turned back toward me and yelled to me (over about 15 patrons) "You wanna change it?" And I said "YES!!! We need to add a word before fisting to get the answer right." Geilfuss screamed over to me "What word do you want to add to the answer before FISTING?" Lots of barflies were listening to us yelling at each other at this point and I said, really loudly "Before FISTING, add the word ANAL."

I saw on the Faceshit yesterday that the guy who writes movie reviews in Chicago was lamenting the fact that so many Faceshit users write these quizzes that have horrible typos and grammatical errors and whatnot. So, I muttered to myself "Damn Paul, what do you expect?" And then I did something I rarely do, I left a comment after his mindless musing about the poor quality of the writing in Faceshit quizzes. And here is the comment I left: Eye thanks theys has so man typos becauz them peoples whose rights thems be morons.

Gramma Dave left a comment on the previous blog entry about getting pulled over by the cops in Virginia. And he claims they pulled him over for speeding. Well, while I don't doubt for one second Gramma Dave was in fact speeding when the Virgina law people pulled him over, I think that the real reason the Virginia law people pulled him over was this: they probably didn't appreciate all the communist bumper stickers affixed to his Volvo. In Maryland, communists are everywhere and law enforcement doesn't bat an eye when they see some hippie looking, skirt wearing dude cruising around in his Volvo while proclaiming to the world via bumper stickers to DON"T BLAME FRODO, BUSH STOLE THE RING and other nonsense, but in Virginia they don't cotton, so to speak, to that kind of ridiculous communist drivel. So, I'm guessing that the Virgina law people wanted to be sure that Gramma Dave got some comeuppance for so publicly expressing his way out of the mainstream kooky political beliefs, they just decided to give Gramma Dave his comeuppance under the guise of a speeding ticket.

I saw where Barack Hussein Obama was chatting with Willie Mays the other day on some kind of aircraft (maybe a dirigible???). Anyway, the TV channel (ESPN I believe) was printing what old Barry was saying to Willie Mays at the bottom of the screen. And old Barry was going on about how Willie Mays paved the way for old Barry to be our fake leader for awhile. I believe at one point old Barry said "You really did a lot for all of us African Americans." And I didn't think much of it, but then Willie Mays said something back to old Barry. Now, I'm not sure exactly what it was, as ESPN wasn't printing out what Willie Mays said at the bottom of the screen (I guess that's the price you pay for merely being one of the ten best ballplayers of all time, as opposed to being the world's messiah), but I do read lips a little bit (I was deaf briefly as a child) and I believe this is what Willie Mays said in reply to Barack Hussein Obama's assertion that Willie paved the way for old Barry to be the 1st African American fake leader of our once great country: "Isn't you mother a white woman dude?"

Big Adam came out to Get Bent Lounge last night and he was hammered. I mean he was slurring his words and getting super sweaty and he kept running his hand over his brow to wipe away the sweat. Well, this blonde (just in from Virginia as it turns out) comes in at one point and sits down next to Big Adam. And this Virginia blonde was hammered too. So, the 2 of them are chatting away for around a 1/2 hour or so. I didn't think much of it to be honest. Then Big Adam calls me down to where he and this hammered Virginian blonde are sitting and hands me a shot to do with the 2 of them and George. After we finished the shots, Big Adam walked back to the men's room and the hammered Virginia blonde said to me "He's gonna get me a job making $20 an hour." I said "That's highly unlikely blondie." She said "Why?" I said "Unless he's gonna pay you 20 bucks and hour to fuck him, I don't see it happening." The hammered Virginia blonde said "Gross. I'd never fuck him for $20 an hour." I said "How about a million? Would you fuck Big Adam for a million?" And the hammered Virgina blonde thought for a few seconds and said "Well, for a million I would. Yes." And then I said "So, we've established you're a whore. Now we're just haggling over price. Is that right?"

Local boys will spend a quarter

Just to shine the silver bowl

Living hard will take its toll

Hellboy 2: The Curse of the Moldy Monkey

Note- The last big part of the 100th (now 103rd) post is gonna have to wait for another special occasion. I know, I know - you're wondering how I could be too busy to do it on my vacation. Well, the answer is simple, I was really busy on vacation - the time flew by. I guess I could do it now, but I've been travelling all day and don't feel like it (it would take hours to write and edit). So, you're gonna have to be satisfied with the picture above. It was taken last summer out at some god awful Patrick Bateman's in some terrible place near Owings Smells. I like the picture a lot. Andy, Ross, and I were having a time - wearing these stupid hats that say: Hellboy 2 Curse of the Moldy Monkey. I really like the goofy smile on Ross' face the most.

Also, posting might be hit and miss here for awhile. I'll do my best. Don't worry, I've got tons of stories to pass along. But while I'm thinking about it - When you drive through Virginia, they have these signs that say: Speed Law Enforced By Aircraft. And one word always pops in my mind when I see one of these stupid (and inaccurate) signs, the signs that claim that the speed law is enforced by aircraft, and that word is this - Dirigibles?

I Tried to warn you
About Chino and Daddy Gee
But I can't seem to get to you
Through the US mail


Peace - TBFH

All Is Revealed (Part 2)

I got a text from Andy yesterday and he relayed to me that Monday night at Zoo Station a 10 minute conversation about trim occurred between Jess (she made it back from Europe alive) and Gramma Dave. And I am truly sorry I missed it. I have a feeling that Jess and Gramma Dave differ wildly on the whole trim debate. My guess is that Gramma Dave is all about girls being completely natural and not giving into the popular media pressure vis a vis trim presentation, while my guess is Jess is a neat trim proponent and practitioner. I'm sure they didn't see eye to eye on the issue at all. I bet the conversation was animated, to say the least.

OK - for the next part of the big 100th post thing (now 102nd post) I am gonna attempt to explain how chope has taken hold in many of the readers and folks who make frequent appearances on this blog. For the uninitiated, I wrote about chope way back in my 2nd post on this blog (I would encourage everyone to go back and reread it). And chope really has touched and even blessed so many people close to me over the past 8 months that I want to do something uplifting and relay some of the instances and truly life altering events where chope played such a key role.

NOTE- For those still ignorant, Chope is the combination of change and hope, and chope represents everything Barack Hussein Obama has meant to so many of us (although with his popularity tanking more quickly than Joe Biden's supply of boner medication, maybe old Barry's charm and messiah-like image are wearing off already - one can only hope).

I was out at Charred Pork Bucket back in January and it was a frigidly cold evening. The bar was pretty empty, with the exception of the Old Drunk Guy and other assorted old drunks trying to wash away the shame of a life lived near Blair Rd. Anyway, the Old Drunk Guy was wasted, I mean he could barely keep his head up (it was about 7 pm) and his eyes open. I didn't think much of it, as I'd seen him in this state dozens of times before. So, about a half hour passes and I'm sitting there drinking some light beer and watching some college hoops game - nothing very interesting. All of a sudden, Bob the bartender screams out "Oh Shit, I think Dick quit breathing. Call an ambulance." I said "Bob, you're behind the bar. You've got a phone." Bob said "Oh." So, Bob dialed 911 and before 3 minutes passed, the Old Drunk Guy rousted himself from his apparent death. I said "Dick, did you quit breathing?" The Old drunk Guy replied "Fuck no. And goddammit Bob, I need another Scotch." Bob sheepishly redialed 911 and told them to cancel the ambulance. Bob then turned to the Old Drunk Guy and said "You really had us worried there Dick." I said "You know what that was fellas? That was chope at work. Chope is alive right here in the awful Charred Pork Bucket." And then the Old Drunk Guy said this, "Fuck chope. Who gives a fuck? And where's my Scotch Bob?"

I remember a night back in February where chope reared its ugly ahead again. I was at Get Bent Lounge and J was in there holding court, as no one was listening to a word he said as always and everyone was trying desperately to avoid eye contact with him. Well, on this particular night J started to bug me about a Laker game that was coming on TV (I have no recollection who they were playing) and who he should bet on. I said "J take the points with the dog." I didn't think much else about it. I've told him to take the dog many times. So, about 3 hours passed and J is pacing nervously (which isn't too unusual). Finally he stops pacing and comes over to me and says "Whew that was close! The Lakers almost screwed us and covered!" And I said "I was never worried (and I wasn't worried because I didn't bet on the game). How much did you win my man?" Then J said this, and this is where chope comes into this story, "Oh no man. I didn't bet any money. I just had a friendly wager with George for a shot." I said "Chope!" J seemed perplexed at what I said. So I said again, "Chope!" J said "What the hell are you talking about man?" I said "Only chope could have saved you from having to buy George a shot tonight J. Only chope." I was getting a bit weepy to be honest. And then J said this - "There's something really odd about you."

One night back in April, in Atlanta, I staggered into a church social dead drunk. And I was pretty out of it. Well, I was sitting by myself trying to locate where the coffee pot might be. Then a young brunette comes up to me and says "I haven't seen you at our church before. My name is Kendra (she slightly resembled that girl who played a double for the girl from Jerusalem in Star Whores: The Fainting Man Ass). Pleased to make your acquaintance." I said "Thanks Kendra. Can you show me to the coffee in here?" Kendra was taken aback by what I said. She thought for a moment and said "I'm sorry. I guess you're new here. We don't drink caffeine." I said "Oh fuck - the Mormons again." Kendra said "Are you drunk?" And I said "Kendra baby, do you have anything in here that could help me either sober up or get more drunk? Either one will do, but I need something." Kendra said "I can help you into some sacred undergarments if you want." I said "Why would you offer the sacred undergarments to a non-Mormon, much less a dead drunk non-Mormon?" Then Kendra said words that will echo in my brain for eternity. She said "We do it because of chope. Chope will set you free. Come with me. Let me purify your alcohol riddled body with some sexy sacred undergarments. You will you let me for chope's sake?" I said "Kendra, just how sexy are these sacred undergarments exactly?" She replied "Well, once you convert to the LDS church, give up all vices, go on a 2 year missionary trip to AIDS ravaged Africa, come back, date me for 18 months, and then marry me, after that I will lay in the dark with you wearing only my sacred undergarments and nothing else. How does that sound? Are you interested?" I ran away as fast as I could yelling "The damn chope got me again."

Finally, and briefly, here is how I've personally witnessed chope helping the following -

1) Dave - he still gets to play with Dick, like clockwork every Monday night at 7.

2) Boobie - her bald spot is expanding at a slower rate.

3) George - he's snapping at his employees in a softer tone.

4) People on the Faceshit - seem to be moving toward Twitter.

5) Nana's Banana's - they sporadically get a trivia question correct that has to do with an event that happened in the last 40 years.

6) Keith - has nasty old Catonsville skanks throwing themselves at him on a weekly basis.

7) Bobby Nyk - met a woman who can stand to be in his presence for more than 30 seconds.

8) Brian from Showtime Trivia - losing locations at a much slower rate.

9) Christie from Final Score Trivia - found an awning store that will custom make her skirts at cost.

10) Russ from Trivia Maryland - had his parents extend his curfew to 11 pm on weekends.

11) Khaki Pants - found a man that only has to be half in the bag to talk to her.

12) Curtis from San Antonio - Spurs traded for Richard Jefferson (I told everyone back in early May that they'd retool).

13) Geilfuss - found a gift certificate to Rackroom shoes on the floor of Get Bent Lounge.

14) Creech - is finally gaining the courage to embrace his latent gay tendencies.

15) Gramma Dave - has a "roommate" instead of an ex-fiance.

16) Beck - has begun attending meetings where he can meet unlimited girls calling themselves Chubby Babes (they are gonna change the name soon to Beck-worthy Big Babes is my guess).

17) Pat - is flashing his belly at a much less alarming rate.

18) Elizabitch - bought bed sheets with like a 30,000 thread count that smell like cotton candy (note: this one I have not witnessed first hand, but a reliable and trusted source assures me it's true).

19 Old Danny - is taking most of the summer off to work on his golf game.

20) Jess - has discovered a man is not necessary to reach the heights of female orgasmic pleasure.

21) Dan - gets to coach teenage swimmers with a guy who is an emotional wreck.

22) Mary - doing the Lord's work with the young girls' book club (and teaching them valuable life lessons involving tampons and lubing).

23) Andy - he still enjoys a nice block of cheese.

24) TBFH - still the same as ever.

I just got a stupid text saying that at 4:05 and 6 seconds today, it will be 04:05:06 07/08/09. And the text added - this will never happen again in our lifetime. And one thought came in my mind at the moment I read the last sentence - Chope!

I'm gonna save the last part of the special 100th post for tomorrow or Friday. And then we can all move on with our lives.

My vacation is going great. I will be out at the Grasshoppers game tonight. If anyone is in Greensboro, I'll be out at that bar beyond the parking lot that abuts left field around 6:45 (it's a little less crowded than Sliders on game night, but still pretty cool). I can't think of the name of the joint, but it's baseball related (maybe 3rd Base Tavern???).

Oh, I saw the movie Away We Go last weekend and it's worth your time. Not brilliant or anything, but pretty good.

World Shut Your Mouth

All Is Revealed (Part 1)

OK - no way I'm gonna get to everything here today that I had in mind for the 100th post (now the 101st post), but I will start in and hopefully get everything up in 2 (or 3) installments. I'm on vacation this week and had hoped to avoid the computer completely. Alas, I can't curb the urge to check my email, in case something catastrophic comes up with work - although granted, that's highly unlikely in my extremely boring field - extremely boring. Did I properly stress how extremely boring it is ???

The 1st thing I'm gonna do is address some of the frequently asked questions I get about this blog. I get similar questions from time to time about various things. So, here we go -

Q: Is Geilfuss real?

A: I've tried to address this before, but YES, I can assure you, he's all too real. I couldn't invent him if I tried, even with my fertile imagination. And for all the readers who haven't ever met Geilfuss in person, my suggestion is to go to a men's shoe store in the greater Baltimore area and just wait patiently - he'll be in eventually - barefoot and looking for a replacement pair - a replacement for a pair he lost after doing work and scurrying away in the dead of night from some poor awful girl's apartment.

Q: Have you really never read a book?

A: Simple, no. I have never read a book. I'm intellectually vacant and not the slightest bit curious about anything going on outside my own little world. And I don't apologize for it either. Books and learning are way overrated - I would encourage folks to be just literate enough to read the point spreads, beyond that, I don't see the point.

Q: Why do you insist on using Hussein when referencing Barack Hussein Obama?

A: Because that's the dude's name. I don't know why it's such taboo to refer to old Barry by using his actual name. You'd think you're insulting him by using his whole name, if you listen to his worshippers in the media. It's utterly ridiculous. And for folks who think I use Hussein to hint at the idea that he might really be a Muslim and not a follower of that wizard preacher in Chicago, well, I'll let you draw your own conclusion on that. I'm not sure that it's such a good thing to be a follower of the wizard preacher from Chicago though. I think I'd rather be a Muslim than be associated with that crazy wizard dude.

Q: Why do you repeatedly label old Barry as a socialist?

A: I would argue that his proposals speak for themselves. He wants to be seen as "progressive" and I think we've all seen that "progressive" is merely a euphemism for socialist. I started warning folks way back about the socialist power grab old Barry was trying to execute on our country (back when I started to compare old Barry to Emperor Palpatine in those movies starring that girl from Jerusalem). And I wish I was wrong about that, but it appears I was right on. It's kinda sad actually.

Q: How much do you actually work?

A: This is a really good question. I realize that it can appear that I don't really do much, basically because I manage to find so much time to blog. But let me assure those of you who have never had the fortune of working with me in any of the several jobs I've had over the years - I am working. I work really fast. In fact, I dare say that you'd be hard pressed to find anyone who works faster than I do in whatever their field might be. Also, remember that I've been in my current field for over 12 years now. I have a certain expertise if you will - I've seen it all and I know what I'm doing. So, I'm simply reaping the benefits of over a decade of exhaustively hard work - and there are still times when I put in 11 or 12 hour days. In fact, the next couple months will be like that most likely. So, when I'm too tired to even think about posting to this blog (as I was most of last week), it's because I am working very hard. I won't bore anyone with exact details. In fact, I should apologize to Andy for boring him with work related complaints. The kid listens though. He humors me.

Q: Is everything that you write true?

A: Well, Mary asked me this way back last December. And I'll just repeat what I told her then - It's as real as you want it to be. I'll also say this - I leave out many of the most titillating and potentially embarrassing (for the folks who hang out with me or the folks I run into in a given situation) details from many stories. Believe me, it could be a lot more real if I wanted it to be (if that makes sense). I don't want to embarrass anyone (at least anyone who doesn't deserve it - folks who deserve to be ashamed or embarrassed, I try and let them have it most times. Although those folks tend to be immune to shame for some reason, so I hardly think it matters).

Q: Do people you rip ever read your blog?

A: I sure hope so.

Q: Are you OK?

A: I get this one from time to time. And generally, yes. I am hanging in there as best I can. Although this is where friends are so important. Not to get sappy or anything, but without all the friends I have, it would be much tougher. It really would. So, thanks to all of you - you help keep me sane (or as close to sane as someone like me can possibly be).

Q: Are you really the most entertaining person to hang out with in the world?

A: That's hard to answer. But, I think you'd be hard pressed to find someone more entertaining. I always remember what my good friend Paul J Whithouse used to tell people about me "He's the most entertaining person you'll ever meet." Of course when someone would call me an asshole, Paul would say this, "You gotta go with your strengths." And I think old Paul J Whitehouse might have been right on both accounts.

Q: Why do you use so many commas and elliptical devices in your writing?

A: I try and convey an engaging and conversational tone in my writing, and I find these methods serve my style best. Also, because I can.

Q: Do you really hang out in bars that much?

A: You have no idea.

Q: Do you have any kids?

A: I like what Andy always says when someone asks this and he's nearby. Andy says "Not that he knows of."

Q: Have you ever been married?

A: Jesus, NO. Are you kidding? I wouldn't do that to someone. I may be a terrible person, but I'm not that bad.

Q: Where do you find the photos you use with your posts?

A: Google Images. I try to keep them PG-13. I figure if any kids are reading this blog, well I don't want to get them all horny and erect. I'll leave that to the nudie sites. And for the record, one person is considerably ahead in the number of pictures used in my posts - and that of course is Winona Ryder.

Q: Why are you so fixated on Winona Ryder?

A: See the movie Reality Bites.

I think that about covers most of the questions that I get asked most often. If I'm forgetting something, sorry about that.

Oh, lastly, that 20 year reunion thing went down last Friday night. And don't worry, I didn't show up and make an ass of myself. In fact, only 9 people showed up (I saw an update on the Faceshit). And half of the people I'd forgotten about. So, the girl from the big silly event 20 years ago wasn't there either. I can hardly blame her. She was probably worried I might show up.

I'll get to the rest of the big 100th (now 101st and beyond) post here soon. The next part is quite an undertaking.

Oh, you're wasting my time

Just, just, just wasting time

A Post About Geilfuss To Merely Satisfy Demand

Super, super busy right now -no time to blog and be remotely productive. So, hopefully look for something next week sometime, because the 3 weeks after that are gonna be brutal - til the end of July.

But I would be remiss if I didn't pass along a quick note on Geilfuss. By the time I posted to this blog on Friday, Geilfuss had technically ALREADY worked his final minute at the Bananabees. So, that awesome contest I was gonna have, was, in reality, over before I started it. Geilfuss did spend some time explaining to me why he didn't go back for his 2nd day. I won't bore anyone with it, but he's gonna be back at Gloomy Daze apparently for some amount of hours a week here soon. The important thing to note about all of this is- Geilfuss might be the only person alive who could have the foresight to quit a job OVER AN HOUR BEFORE a friend of his starts a pool for the world to enter that centers around how long Geilfuss will last at said job before quitting, being laid off, or getting canned. Unbelievable.

Also, this cap and trade stuff - remember I was warning readers about it several months ago - and I was prescient on that. Pelosi and her crew passed the thing in the middle of the night last Friday - without congressmen/women even reading it. There's still a chance it might not pass in the Senate (we can only hope), but I wouldn't count on it. It looks like there's gonna be lots of things that some poor leader(s) down the line is/are gonna have to fix once old Barry ruins the American way of life completely and gets run out of town in total disgrace at some point. Although in a way, I feel like all the clueless followers, the ones who swept old Barry into power, the very voters who thrusted him onto the throne - when they are actually afflicted with exactly what old Barry has envisioned for everyone, those folks, well, they will certainly deserve it. It's hard to blame old Barry too much - he only took advantage of a situation rife with opportunity. He used the masses of morons to get the power needed to destroy the way of life that these clueless, gullible folks got so accustomed to that they didn't realize how much they'd miss it once old Barry got through stripping it all away from them. Old Barry might merely be an agent of the unwanted and tired ideas of the hippies, an apparently typical 60's, Ivy League, liberal, empty suit- not a messiah at all. It's the people who voted for him who are to blame - those folks are getting exactly what they deserve - unfortunately so are the rest of us. And that sucks.

I got a text from Geilfuss recently and he was in some dive bar downey ocean and the text said this - Some old used up ho is sitting too close to me at the bar, and I can't get rid of her. I immediately texted back - Put your middle finger in her anus. Then Geilfuss texted me back this a few minutes later - I spit my beer out when I read your text and the old bag was so pissed she's leaving me alone. NOTE: I took the liberty of paraphrasing what Geilfuss texted, because if I'd actually just word for word, letter for letter repeated what he exactly texted to me, it would have been incomprehensible to everyone. So, I had to clean up the errors a bit and clarify the meaning. And you should thank me for that, because otherwise - well, it would have been tough for all of you. Believe me, some of his texts I just give to Andy to decipher - I don't have the patience. But Andy's been trying to decipher the meaning of Geilfuss' texts for many years now. He's got a certain expertise.

OK - I'm out. Post #101 is gonna have to be the special one I've been promising. I did feel obligated to write a little something because I've heard from a number of folks that they go through withdrawal when I don't post for 4 or 5 days. So, I hope this helps.

This 9 to 5 bullshit

Don't let you forget

The suicide you're on