Note - A new feature to this pointless blog is being debuted today. Jess expressed some interest recently in sharing her experiences in Europe last month. Well, from that starting point, things kind of evolved to what you're about to read. I sent Jess a series of questions a few days ago. She responded to them and below is the result. I gotta say, you will enjoy it. She did an awesome job with her responses. Originally, I was gonna comment after each of her responses to the questions, but I don't see a need to comment much - Jess did that great of a job. If I do have a comment to anything, it will be in blue.
TBFH - Do you like sandwiches? And if you do, why? And do you have a favorite kind of sandwich? Also, how do you feel about condiments?
Jess - That's a rough 1st question!! Sandwiches are okay. I am so obsessed with bread and I'm pretty sure you can't make a sandwich without some sort of starch (bread, bagel, matzo, etc.). Deli meat reminds me of disgusting genitalia - so I can't physically put any of that grossness in my mouth and I feel like most sandwiches have some sort of deli meat in them, so they are pretty much a no-go. But I do have a favorite kind of sandwich known as the Reuben, but I will only eat mine with extra Swiss and sauerkraut and kosher corned beef. I do however, love condiments. My favorites are chunky bleu cheese dressing, spicy brown mustard and raspberry (frambuesa) jam. Condiments are so versatile; they can be used on food, in art projects and on bodies - although I don't see the 1st 2 of my favorite condiments being used on bodies, but hey, whatever floats your boat! What other product is so versatile??
TBFH - Birth control method of choice and why?
Jess - I double that shit up. I'm all for not getting pregnant! Personally...I use NuvaRing and Trojan Ultra-Ribbed (wrap it every time boys, we're in Towson for God's sake). Nuvarung is awesome because I don't have to remember to take a stupid pill everyday. My boobs did shrink when I switched from the pill to the ring , which sucked a lot. Let me just clear up the rumors on the ring (I had no idea there were rumors). It is a plastic ring the same size as the circumference of a Bud bottle that you put inside your hoo-ha and leave it there for 3 weeks. If you (guys) are "getting your fingers wet," then yes, you probably will feel it. Has it ever deterred a guy from continuing? Not that I know of. Can you feel it during the big act? It's possible, but I haven't had any complaints. The ring is becoming a pretty popular method with the ladies, so get used to it guys. (I would heed her advice. This was really enlightening for me.)
TBFH - Worst thing about growing up in Owings Smells?
Jess - The Metro!!!! When I was in elementary school, I could go to the Owings Smells Mall and my mother would let me go to a store a few down from where she was shopping. Then gradually, through middle school, she would accompany me and my friends as we tried as hard as we could to act cool. In high school I started to hear stories of stabbings and shootings at the movie theater and local carnival. I miss being able to go shopping in a mall that has stores similar to the ones in Towson. Instead, my options are either Shaniqua's Closet type stores or empty store fronts. I haven't even been to that mall in years and even as an adult I don't think it is somewhere my parents would want me to go. Now, please don't think this has anything to do with race. There is just as much white trash that comes up from the city as black folks. They all wear the same hood rat "shorts" that come down to their ankles and the lovely ladies wear belly shirts when going to the movies - these ladies should be investing in lipo or maybe a vegetable or 2. I used to play all day in my neighborhood and even my own overprotective parents never worried about my safety. Flash forward to my senior year of High School when my Dad comes running into my bedroom at 7 am on a Saturday morning, wearing only his tighty-whities, asking me where my car is. After running to his room to look out the front windows, I saw the empty spot where Hunter Honda was parked the night before. The fucking hoodlums stole my fucking car. Fuck the Metro! Yes, I'm still bitter. (The only thing I know about Owings Smells is that the guy who plays devil's advocate and studies his notes lives there. I'm staying away just on that fact alone.)
TBFH - Where do you stand on the whole trim presentation debate?
Jess - The less body hair the better. I do know guys that shave everything from their armpits to their special friends and I'm okay with that. I don't mind (a little bit) arm hair and leg hair, but everything else can go in my opinion. You kind of have to look at it this way...if you don't want a bush on your girl, why would she want one on you? Trim away my friends. I don't have a thing to add or a snide comment to make.
TBFH - Who, if anyone is your favorite person to hang out with at Get Bent Lounge? And why?
Jess - Oh wow, that's tough! I'll have to break it down since I have so many favorites, and it all depends on my mood.
All the time - Andy...duh! (good answer)
If I need to pee my pants or just get a good laugh - You (obviously)
If I need to hear about the latest and greatest drugs - The Dream Team
When I want to practice my espanol - Jorge or Jose
If I want to hear made up stories and learn what a "blow roast" is - Fat Adam (I've called him Big Adam on this blog - but to be fair, he is fat.)
As much as I try not to go there all the time, I love being able to walk in on a shitty day and be sure to find someone to talk to. Yeah, I know...that sounds super cheesy; get over it.
TBFH - Which is your favorite language besides for your native language?
Jess - Well, I only actually understand 2 (real) languages, but I know the English, Spanish, Greek, Italian, French, and Hebrew alphabets and I can count to 10 in a few others (I'm convinced it will come in handy one day). However, my favorite language is Pig Latin. It was always a stupid language I would use just to goof around with my friends - when I was in Spain it really came in handy! When I was on the Metro in Spain, I could never really tell if people understood English or not. So, when we were talking shit about skanks on the Metro, we had to whisper until we realized that if we spoke in Pig Latin no one would be able to understand us unless they were American and went to public school. Shits and giggles aside...my favorite language that a group of people legitimately speak would have to be Icelandic. It is known as one of the hardest, if not the hardest, language to learn. So, what are the chances someone would understand you if you were talking shit - almost 0%! I like that. (I have often wanted to meet an Icelandic babe)
TBFH - You were recently in Spain and France, what is your opinion of the culture of both places? And the food? And the women? And the smell?
Jess - Loved Spain. Hated France.
Spain was just incredible. The culture just blew me away. People are just in this whole different pace of life and being able to get a beer instead of a Coke at McDonalds was pretty cool. I wasn't really impressed by any of the food in Spain unless it came from my host mother's kitchen. The women in Spain were decent. There weren't as many gorgeous women as I thought there would be. The men however were drop dead gorgeous (losing interest here). I will marry a Spanish man, mark my words (that is bad news for every guy reading this blog). Hopefully my future husband is Sergio, my Spanish lover. But we'll see, I'm usually not that lucky. You can't turn your head and not see a modelesque looking man. Ahhh the memories. The bars and clubs were incredible. We pregamed almost every night at an Irish Pub called Dubliner's, a huge shocker right? (Shocking!) The clubs were just crazy. The girls didn't dress up as much as I thought they would, but the guys definitely did. On another note, I have never wanted to be a promoter for deodorant as much as I did in Spain. The smell was really bad on the Metro. There were times when I would sing songs about bathing and using deodorant. Another smell I completely forgot about since they banned smoking inside bars and clubs in the States was the horrid smell of your clothes after a night out.
France sucked. The food was incredible, I'll definitely give them that. Women were pretty. Never went to a bar and the smell wasn't as bad as Spain. However, the people sucked dirty ball sacks and for that reason I will not give them more than the few sentences they deserve.
TBFH - Most memorable thing that happened to you over in Europe?
Jess - Spending the night with someone who didn't speak the same language as me. It's quite interesting and surprisingly sexy. Don't judge. Try it. (I can neither confirm nor deny any such experience happening to me.)
TBFH - Who do you mock the most and why?
Jess - I don't really mock as much as I talk shit. So, there isn't one person who I mock more than anyone else. I tend to talk shit about the skanks in Towson - they gross me out and need to go home where they came from and stop spreading STD's to the few men available. (If the skanks left, Geilfuss would be in big trouble.)
TBFH - Have you ever had sex with someone and regretted it? Or been with a guy that was so bad you were laughing at him? Or both?
Jess - I make a point not to regret having sex with someone because in that moment it's what I wanted. Sure, I've said to myself that I would never hook up with him again, but regret is a waste of time. Sometimes though, I will laugh at guys if they are bad or they do something really stupid. For example, what are you guys thinking when you are in missionary and randomly start moving your hips in a circle? Who taught you that? (Probably internet porn for most guys) That does nothing for me and a bunch of my friends agree. So, if I ever come across a guy that does that, I can't help but chuckle. I really try and not take sex so seriously because then you won't have as much fun. So whenever a guy gets way too into it and it's a casual relationship, I give up and tell him some really convincing excuse of why I have to stop. Life isn't a romance novel. Sex doesn't have to be romantic and "special," so whoever told people that needs to shut the fuck up. (Amen!)
TBFH - What's you favorite alcoholic beverage? And why?
Jess - Champagne. I get giggly and silly. The best kind of drunk. (I believe I have witnessed this, and she is right.)
TBFH - Who has the best job in the world?
Jess - Air Force Amy and the rest of the whores from the Bunny Ranch. The bitch gets to have sex for a living and makes well over 6 figures. One time I was watching an episode of Cathouse and Sunset Thomas charged these 2 brothers (related by blood, not the other kind of brothers) $300 for a masturbation party. All she did was get herself off and made $150 for it (the house made the other $150 - for everyone who doesn't know, that's how a whorehouse works).
TBFH - What's the worst movie you've ever watched all the way through?
Jess - Love Squirts is the worst movie I have ever sat and watched all the way through. Coming from my orgasm-less life, I can proudly say that I have watched more porn than most girls that I know of (I like to make sure I'm not doing anything incorrect). Although this lovely DVD came free with a purchase from Adam & Eve, I really think it never should have been released to begin with. Some of the "Squirters" in this movie aren't even really shooting anything out of their va-jay-jay's (never thought I'd type that word) besides water and their "acting" skills are wayyyy sub par, even for the high-talent industry they are in. Watch if you must, but I recommend wasting your time with a better production, such as Gush.
TBFH - How do you feel about the augmentation of the vagina?
Jess - Augmentation goes both ways. This is one thing where bigger isn't better. If you have had a baby's head pop out of your kahslopkes (another word I thought I'd never type) it's best to get things back to where they were when you were 13 or younger, that's for the skanks out there. For this I recommend plastic surgery. You can actually get your hymen back. If you don't have the money to do that or you haven't had a baby and you just want to tighten up after a slutty weekend, get yourself a set of Ben Wa Balls. I use Smart Balls by Fun Factory and they are incredible. Google them to see what they look like. I put them in for one day a week and wear them all day (Oh boy - here we go) and it works my looove muscles and keeps everything super tight. I'm all for surgery if you can do it but the Smart Balls work too and you don't have to have had a baby to use them. In this case, the tighter, the better. (I couldn't agree more)
TBFH - What is the most interesting trip you have ever taken?
Jess - During senior week I hooked up with the piercer who did my belly button. He is pierced and tattooed, totally not my type, but he is huge where it counts and we had fun. So later that summer I decided to respond with an absofuckinglutley to his booty call, slightly forgetting the drive from here to Ocean City isn't really just a hop around the beltway. So I drove down there (in 2 hours 12 minutes, my personal record) and got there just as he was getting off work, around 10 pm. We went back to his house, but he didn't want to hook up because his roommate had some friends over. I had to work at 9 the next morning, so I was really hoping this would be a bing-bam-boom kinda booty call, but I was so far from wrong. I finally left for Baltimore at around 4 am. While I was merging from 50, I was falling asleep and ran an undercover cop off the road. I swear to this day that the only reason I didn't get pulled over is because of my special sticker (leaves me wondering how I can get one). I finally made it back to Baltimore in one piece in the ghetto where Chelsea was living at the time and where I told my mom I spent the night. I used my key to get in and passed out on the couch and woke up 2 minutes before we went to work. I ended up telling my boss I was throwing up in the bathroom and had to go home, the fact that I was having trouble walking from the night before really gave my vomiting story the extra something that my boss needed for convincing. Of course there are a few details I left out that really make the story better, but I don't know every person who is reading this, so it is slightly censored. But if you ever see me don't hesitate to ask if you're really that curious. (She's easy to find if you want the details).
Spanish bombs
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