All Is Revealed (Part 2)

I got a text from Andy yesterday and he relayed to me that Monday night at Zoo Station a 10 minute conversation about trim occurred between Jess (she made it back from Europe alive) and Gramma Dave. And I am truly sorry I missed it. I have a feeling that Jess and Gramma Dave differ wildly on the whole trim debate. My guess is that Gramma Dave is all about girls being completely natural and not giving into the popular media pressure vis a vis trim presentation, while my guess is Jess is a neat trim proponent and practitioner. I'm sure they didn't see eye to eye on the issue at all. I bet the conversation was animated, to say the least.

OK - for the next part of the big 100th post thing (now 102nd post) I am gonna attempt to explain how chope has taken hold in many of the readers and folks who make frequent appearances on this blog. For the uninitiated, I wrote about chope way back in my 2nd post on this blog (I would encourage everyone to go back and reread it). And chope really has touched and even blessed so many people close to me over the past 8 months that I want to do something uplifting and relay some of the instances and truly life altering events where chope played such a key role.

NOTE- For those still ignorant, Chope is the combination of change and hope, and chope represents everything Barack Hussein Obama has meant to so many of us (although with his popularity tanking more quickly than Joe Biden's supply of boner medication, maybe old Barry's charm and messiah-like image are wearing off already - one can only hope).

I was out at Charred Pork Bucket back in January and it was a frigidly cold evening. The bar was pretty empty, with the exception of the Old Drunk Guy and other assorted old drunks trying to wash away the shame of a life lived near Blair Rd. Anyway, the Old Drunk Guy was wasted, I mean he could barely keep his head up (it was about 7 pm) and his eyes open. I didn't think much of it, as I'd seen him in this state dozens of times before. So, about a half hour passes and I'm sitting there drinking some light beer and watching some college hoops game - nothing very interesting. All of a sudden, Bob the bartender screams out "Oh Shit, I think Dick quit breathing. Call an ambulance." I said "Bob, you're behind the bar. You've got a phone." Bob said "Oh." So, Bob dialed 911 and before 3 minutes passed, the Old Drunk Guy rousted himself from his apparent death. I said "Dick, did you quit breathing?" The Old drunk Guy replied "Fuck no. And goddammit Bob, I need another Scotch." Bob sheepishly redialed 911 and told them to cancel the ambulance. Bob then turned to the Old Drunk Guy and said "You really had us worried there Dick." I said "You know what that was fellas? That was chope at work. Chope is alive right here in the awful Charred Pork Bucket." And then the Old Drunk Guy said this, "Fuck chope. Who gives a fuck? And where's my Scotch Bob?"

I remember a night back in February where chope reared its ugly ahead again. I was at Get Bent Lounge and J was in there holding court, as no one was listening to a word he said as always and everyone was trying desperately to avoid eye contact with him. Well, on this particular night J started to bug me about a Laker game that was coming on TV (I have no recollection who they were playing) and who he should bet on. I said "J take the points with the dog." I didn't think much else about it. I've told him to take the dog many times. So, about 3 hours passed and J is pacing nervously (which isn't too unusual). Finally he stops pacing and comes over to me and says "Whew that was close! The Lakers almost screwed us and covered!" And I said "I was never worried (and I wasn't worried because I didn't bet on the game). How much did you win my man?" Then J said this, and this is where chope comes into this story, "Oh no man. I didn't bet any money. I just had a friendly wager with George for a shot." I said "Chope!" J seemed perplexed at what I said. So I said again, "Chope!" J said "What the hell are you talking about man?" I said "Only chope could have saved you from having to buy George a shot tonight J. Only chope." I was getting a bit weepy to be honest. And then J said this - "There's something really odd about you."

One night back in April, in Atlanta, I staggered into a church social dead drunk. And I was pretty out of it. Well, I was sitting by myself trying to locate where the coffee pot might be. Then a young brunette comes up to me and says "I haven't seen you at our church before. My name is Kendra (she slightly resembled that girl who played a double for the girl from Jerusalem in Star Whores: The Fainting Man Ass). Pleased to make your acquaintance." I said "Thanks Kendra. Can you show me to the coffee in here?" Kendra was taken aback by what I said. She thought for a moment and said "I'm sorry. I guess you're new here. We don't drink caffeine." I said "Oh fuck - the Mormons again." Kendra said "Are you drunk?" And I said "Kendra baby, do you have anything in here that could help me either sober up or get more drunk? Either one will do, but I need something." Kendra said "I can help you into some sacred undergarments if you want." I said "Why would you offer the sacred undergarments to a non-Mormon, much less a dead drunk non-Mormon?" Then Kendra said words that will echo in my brain for eternity. She said "We do it because of chope. Chope will set you free. Come with me. Let me purify your alcohol riddled body with some sexy sacred undergarments. You will you let me for chope's sake?" I said "Kendra, just how sexy are these sacred undergarments exactly?" She replied "Well, once you convert to the LDS church, give up all vices, go on a 2 year missionary trip to AIDS ravaged Africa, come back, date me for 18 months, and then marry me, after that I will lay in the dark with you wearing only my sacred undergarments and nothing else. How does that sound? Are you interested?" I ran away as fast as I could yelling "The damn chope got me again."

Finally, and briefly, here is how I've personally witnessed chope helping the following -

1) Dave - he still gets to play with Dick, like clockwork every Monday night at 7.

2) Boobie - her bald spot is expanding at a slower rate.

3) George - he's snapping at his employees in a softer tone.

4) People on the Faceshit - seem to be moving toward Twitter.

5) Nana's Banana's - they sporadically get a trivia question correct that has to do with an event that happened in the last 40 years.

6) Keith - has nasty old Catonsville skanks throwing themselves at him on a weekly basis.

7) Bobby Nyk - met a woman who can stand to be in his presence for more than 30 seconds.

8) Brian from Showtime Trivia - losing locations at a much slower rate.

9) Christie from Final Score Trivia - found an awning store that will custom make her skirts at cost.

10) Russ from Trivia Maryland - had his parents extend his curfew to 11 pm on weekends.

11) Khaki Pants - found a man that only has to be half in the bag to talk to her.

12) Curtis from San Antonio - Spurs traded for Richard Jefferson (I told everyone back in early May that they'd retool).

13) Geilfuss - found a gift certificate to Rackroom shoes on the floor of Get Bent Lounge.

14) Creech - is finally gaining the courage to embrace his latent gay tendencies.

15) Gramma Dave - has a "roommate" instead of an ex-fiance.

16) Beck - has begun attending meetings where he can meet unlimited girls calling themselves Chubby Babes (they are gonna change the name soon to Beck-worthy Big Babes is my guess).

17) Pat - is flashing his belly at a much less alarming rate.

18) Elizabitch - bought bed sheets with like a 30,000 thread count that smell like cotton candy (note: this one I have not witnessed first hand, but a reliable and trusted source assures me it's true).

19 Old Danny - is taking most of the summer off to work on his golf game.

20) Jess - has discovered a man is not necessary to reach the heights of female orgasmic pleasure.

21) Dan - gets to coach teenage swimmers with a guy who is an emotional wreck.

22) Mary - doing the Lord's work with the young girls' book club (and teaching them valuable life lessons involving tampons and lubing).

23) Andy - he still enjoys a nice block of cheese.

24) TBFH - still the same as ever.

I just got a stupid text saying that at 4:05 and 6 seconds today, it will be 04:05:06 07/08/09. And the text added - this will never happen again in our lifetime. And one thought came in my mind at the moment I read the last sentence - Chope!

I'm gonna save the last part of the special 100th post for tomorrow or Friday. And then we can all move on with our lives.

My vacation is going great. I will be out at the Grasshoppers game tonight. If anyone is in Greensboro, I'll be out at that bar beyond the parking lot that abuts left field around 6:45 (it's a little less crowded than Sliders on game night, but still pretty cool). I can't think of the name of the joint, but it's baseball related (maybe 3rd Base Tavern???).

Oh, I saw the movie Away We Go last weekend and it's worth your time. Not brilliant or anything, but pretty good.

World Shut Your Mouth