A Night At The Hospital

I was in a hospital recently (I had a bit of a health scare) and was preparing to do something called a stress test and these technician type folks came over to me and asked me a few questions. Then they gave me some release to sign. One of the techs said "You can read it over before signing if you'd like." I said "I'm totally illiterate." The tech said "Oh, sorry about that. I'll read it to you." I was slightly taken aback and said "Do I really look like I can't read?" And the tech said "We never know in here."

I passed the stress test with flying colors (everyone who reads this blog and doesn't hate me will be pleased to know that I am in good shape cardiac-wise). Well, I learned some other things from all the x-rays and blood work they did on me, and they are pretty amazing: 1) my lungs are in good shape (I know, it seems impossible) and 2) my liver and kidneys are fine (I know, I know...it seems even more impossible). My blood work was awesome, with one exception that is common in smokers (I'm trying to quit now - although I feel like come September 5th I will be chain smoking as always during football Saturday).

I was given a turkey sandwich while in the ER and I ate 1 bite of it. My nurse (who was awesome - her name was Rose) came by and said "I can see you don't like the turkey." I said "Rose, I'm guessing you've never been in lock up, but that sandwich was worse than the sandwiches they give you in a county jail." And it's true. It was terrible.

I was being wheeled to get some chest x-rays by the x-ray tech and he was pushing the movable bed down the hallways and I asked him "What to you do when you get someone really enormous? I mean do you have to get help or what?" The dude started laughing and said "It's tough, but once we get them moving, it's fine. But, getting started can be tough." I said "That's basic physics. A body in motion stays in motion and a body at rest tends to stay at rest." He said "You're right on there."

I was texting back and forth to Jeff while I was in the ER (for those who don't know, Jeff is a thoracic surgeon) and when the blood girl took my blood so they could do the blood work, I texted Jeff this: My blood is red. So, that's a good sign at least. Jeff texted back: I always thought of you as a blue blood. By the way - I have already thanked Jeff for helping me out during my whole medical scare, but I want to do it once more. He got to the ER as fast as he could and consulted with the ER doc on my situation. And he didn't have to do any of that. So, thanks again to him. Also Alan - he rushed over to the ER between surgeries he was doing to look me over. Thanks to him too.

When they moved me from the ER up to the 3rd floor for the night, it was pretty interesting. The 3rd floor at St. Joe's is the maternity ward and they keep a couple beds open for folks who come in and the ER docs and cardiologists decide need a stress test (usually just as a precaution). Anyway, there I was with all the soon to be and just became moms on the same floor and everyone could not have been nicer. My nurses up on the 3rd floor were Nann and Mary. And yes, I did ask Nann the same questions I always ask all nurses I ever meet. The questions about how often guys get erections, catching guys masturbating, etc. And Nann humored me. She had a good sense of humor about it. But she also confirmed what I've heard before and long suspected: that stuff goes on more than most people think. Damn perverts - they're everywhere.

I was deathly afraid there for awhile Monday afternoon (turns out I might have some issue with a nerve or something neurological -we need to look into it). And I gotta say this - I managed to keep my sense of humor the whole time. I had the staff over at St. Joe's laughing pretty hard most of the time. So, that's something at least. You might be dying, but that's no reason to lose your sense of humor. It really isn't.

I've had a number of folks question my sanity, because within 45 minutes of being released from the hospital, I was back at work for the last 4 hours of the day. But I can't help myself there - if I'm not available to field questions and clarify issues, things might go wrong - way wrong. Several of the folks here I'm working with have mentioned that I might want to think about getting married in light of this whole health scare thing. And I don't quite get the connection personally, but I guess I'm not totally opposed to it. Now, who that girl might be - I have no idea at this point.

I wanna be the one who walks in the sun...