There was a guy I met and he looked like a freak - like a cross between Emo Phillips and Carrot Top. So I was trying to get this guy to ignore me by saying things to him like "Please ignore me." And "I'm embarrassed to even be in the same place as you." This went on for a few minutes. He was mainly talking about Al Gore and global warming. I don't know anything about global warming - although I'm all for it of course. I was very close to throwing a twenty on the bar and walking out, but then he said something that I'll always remember. He said "The earth would be cooler if Al Gore didn't have the election stolen from him by James Baker." And that really struck a nerve with me, because I'll defend James Baker to the death. But you have to be in the mood for stuff like that, and I wasn't at the time. So I just asked him "How much cooler would it be right now if Al Gore was president?" He claimed it would be 7-10 degrees cooler. Now, it was like 44 degrees at the time and it was mid-March at about 11:30 at night. I ordered another Scotch. Then I lit a cigarette. Then I said to this guy, and I really said it loudly "You smell really bad." And he did. I'm not making that up. Hippies smell.
I was in line at a bookstore recently. I wasn't actually buying a book or anything. I don't read and am fairly illiterate - obviously. So I was buying a book for someone I know who does read. They have way too many choices at bookstores. I often ask folks who work in them if they ever consider just having one book available - it would make life so much easier. And they always look at me like I'm terrifyingly crazy. They also look at me like that when I ask if they carry Chicken Soup for the Convict Soul. Anyway, I finally got called to go up to a register and pay for this book - the book was called Raise High The Roof Beam Carpenters (and I don't think it had anything to do with that anorexic singer). The girl working the register gave me this look. The look was like - don't you remember who I am? And I never remember who anyone is. I am very self-centered and some would argue grossly narcissistic. So her name badge says Katherine and she's not totally unfetching, but I couldn't place her from anywhere. So she commented on the book I was buying and said "I'm surprised you'd read Salinger." I said "Don't worry, I'm not gonna read it myself." She then said "Oh. Have you ever read A Perfect Day for Banana Fish?" I had no idea what she was talking about. I said "No, but I see more glass." This seemed to irritate her to no end. She let it drop after a few seconds. Then "you used to supervise me - a few years ago at The Old Measuring Stick. Remember?" Now, I've never supervised anybody. I hate people and no decent workplace would ever ask me to supervise others. I said "Oh yeah, you're the girl who likes to read and look all shy all the time." I don't think she appreciated that much. She said "I always thought you were the best boss I ever had." I said "Of course I was. Could there be any doubt?"
I was talking to my boss one time and the conversation was pretty pointless and boring. Then she said "You just seem so indifferent to your work." I said "Please don't mistake my indifference for anything other than indifference."
I was smoking a cigarette in the middle of a non-smoking place of business - it was a restaurant called Gloomy Daze and this woman with attitude came up to me and said "Would you go outside with that?" I replied "OK." By the way, don't ever eat the food there. You will puke. The only upside is that after you puke the food looks better than it did when they served it. A lot better. My buddy Geilfuss used to work there and he told me that lots of people enjoyed the food and ambiance in the restaurant. When I asked him why he said "We get a lot of retards in here." I said "Dude that is really uncool." He said "What?" I said "Using the word retards in a pejorative way like that." Geilfuss just went back to the kitchen to bring more awful food out. I think he was mumbling something about Kelly Gregg or Kobe Bryant - you can never be sure with Geilfuss. As far as Gloomy Daze is concerned, I still go in there from time to time to soak up the stench of desperation and overpriced ribs - not to mention the college football. They do put any game on that I ask for. One time I really needed to see a game between San Jose State and the Idaho Vandals and I was the only person there who remotely cared and they put it on the projection screen for me (the Spartans covered, barely.)
I know in my previous post to this blog, I mentioned Thanksgiving and boy did I get a negative reaction to that. I never knew people were so touchy about stuff like that. The ironic thing is, that while readers to this blog were being offended by that stuff - I was eating stuffing. And it was pretty damn good.
Last week, I was at the Food Slug and debating between two brands of coffee creamer - I think they were Pumpkin Spice and Peppermint Twist. So I'm really thinking about which one to purchase. Then I decided to get both.
I was at a bar the night before Thanksgiving called Get Bent Lounge - you can find me there from time to time - and Paulie was deejaying and there were a million kids between 21 and 24 in there. So he starts playing these songs from the 70s that no one knows or wants to hear - except Surrender by that band with Robin Zander. So Paulie fires up Southern Cross by the Stephen Stills Band and people just went berserk - and not in a good way. Creech was stumbling around talking about doing fat chicks at this time and he was pretty drunk. So he said to me "What the hell is this song?" I said "It's about a guy on a boat looking to the skies to guide him to the hottest fat chicks in the southern hemisphere." Then Ross comes up and says "What the fuck is wrong with that idiot?" I said "Which one?" He wasn't sure and rarely is. So I turned my attention back to Creech, but he had wandered out. I saw him again later. I think he went home alone. It was all Paulie's fault. I did go up to Paulie later and said "Could you play the Chris Bridges for me?" He did. It was pretty cool.
At trivia a few weeks ago there was a picture of Patty Sheehan and I thought it was of a dude. My buddy Andy said "Didn't you account for the breasts?" I said "It looked like a guy who needed a mansier." Andy said "You have a point there."
P.S. -I'm arranging a meeting with Sarah Horseface (turns out she might be Native American - I'm not sure, but if the name is anything like those names in that awfully long movie directed by the guy who got totally cut out of The Big Chill - except his wrist - she may literally have a horse face). I got a little worked up over being made fun of and ridiculed by the Obama people a few weeks ago; so I called over there and asked for Horse Face by name and she did come to the phone after I mentioned that Mr. Hawaii was ringing her up. It was hard to pick up her accent exactly, but she sounded like she might be from a tribe in the Dakotas or some Eurotrash chick - it's hard to guess. I explained how dismayed I was that my suggestions for change were dismissed as right-wing mockery of Obama. She kind of half-believed me, I'm not sure. Anyway, I was real suave on the phone with her. I gave her some of my top A material. But not too much because - she may have a horse face - so...Anyway, I am supposed to meet her for a while to talk about change and chope here soon at some place on Division St. in Chicago. I may not turn up though - the whole thing probably won't go well at all. I'll let you know how it goes if I show. I'm really worried that she might not bathe that often. That's gross. If she smells and has a horse face, then I might be suicidal...
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