I was sitting at the bar with my buddies Andy and Alley watching a game between the Colts and the Bolts one night last fall and there was this girl in there who introduced herself as Farrah. Farrah was very talkative - too talkative. She was way drunk and on some kind of Ritalin type drug as well. Farrah explained that she had spent lots of time in the nut house (I believe she was like 24) and was currently working at a seasonal store (this was early November) as some customer service person. So I said "Paprika?" She was really confused. I started to feel like this poor girl needed help. She kept telling me I'm the smartest person she's ever met - which, if that's true, is really sad. I was giving Farrah advice on how to sell seasoning for quite a while. You know - "push the pepper, everyone loves pepper." And "Cinnamon makes the world go around. People need cinnamon." And "Dress up like Peppermint Patty and approach lesbian customers." And "Tell people you are the salt of the earth." Lastly - "Give customers free horseradish by walking around with some in your mouth and randomly giving open-mouth kisses to them." Poor Alley was laughing so hard I thought she'd peed herself and Andy (who has the most infectious belly laugh in the greater metro area) is spitting his beer up. Farrah kept referring to Alley as Marilyn Monroe (Alley is blonde) and she kept calling Andy Mr. Sir (I have no idea why - although if you don't know Andy he can appear intimidating). So, I started talking about how David Bowie is infinitely better than Jim Morrison and Farrah disagrees with me. She's babbling incoherently about Morrison being her god or something. It was pitiful. Then she kept wanting more to drink but was out of cash and this whole brief encounter was ridiculous anyway. I got up to walk away and Farrah says "Are you going to leave me here?" And I replied "Yes." Whenever I see Alley she mentions poor Farrah and we laugh and laugh.
I saw Mary (Andy's sis) last night at trivia and she said "I need to talk to you. I'm very confused when I read your blog. I can't tell if it's true or not." I said "It's as true as you want it to be."
You know how, as a kid, you took a Christmas present to your teacher? Well, one year I asked my sixth grade teacher (Mrs. Crisman) what she would like for me to get her as a gift. She said, and I remember this so clearly - "Just stay home for a day."
There was this girl I knew in 6th grade - her name was Beth and she was in 7th grade - and we were both at this ridiculous Christmas dance that the school and the parents threw. So this girl was hot, not in a slutty way either - but in an innocent way. So I went up to her at this dance and there was this awful song by Aldo Nova that was popular at the time for some reason and the deejay was playing this crappy tune and I said to Beth "Would you care to dance with me?" And she said "Yeah." It made me pretty happy at the time. It really did. She moved away after that school year. I only saw her one time after that - she came back to visit the school with a friend the next year and I stared over in her direction for a good long while - but I was 13 and never went over to speak to her. She looked good though. She really did. Good old Beth Troyan.
Wow, I'm getting really depressed now.
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