I was out at the Charred Pork Bucket again last night. I don't know why I keep going in there. At least half the people in there are over 70 and drink all day. It's definitely my kind of crowd. Well, last night I was sitting at the bar and this old guy starts buying me rounds for no real reason - I play trivia with him from time to time and he almost never gets any answers right. So I start in on the Rumpleminze because he's buying and they've got the TV on the MSNBC again - but this time the sound was on. There was a guy screaming at some other guy about some automaker bailout. He was blabbering something like "I'm loud and stupid. Watch my show. I used to give Tip O'Neill happy ending massages. Watch my show." So I said to the bartender "Bob, could you cut the sound off of that TV? Put it on the moaning from the Spice Channel or anything else - even the jukebox would be an improvement over this screaming guy." He pointed to a guy who was closely watching the show. And I'll be damned if it wasn't that same guy from last month who I ran into and yelled "Chope" at a couple of times. So I walked over to the guy and he was drinking O'Douls - which always pisses me off. Never sit at a bar if you're not going to drink - and drink fast. I said to the guy "Have you ever read anything by JK Rowling (I've never actually read any of her books, but I overhear people talking from time to time. And I knew this girl 7 or 8 years ago who read those books - she was annoying but did favorably resemble Wynona Rider)?" He said "Huh?" I said "You look like that giant ogre guy played by Robbie Coltrane. I think his name is Hagrid." He said "Robbie who?" I said "You look like a fat, unkempt animal. And I bet you've never even seen The Pope Must Die." Well he didn't like that at all. He said "Boy, you need to go back to your seat and shut up." Well instead I walked outside and smoked a cigarette. When I came back in, the old guy who was buying me shots fell over and I yelled "Hagrid did it with that damned screaming from the MSNBC. I think he killed this old dude." I was wrong about that. Turns out the old guy had been drinking since six in the morning, was blitzed, and passed out. I got the impression it happens regularly. The bartender asked me to leave and I was happy to, but on the way out the MSNBC guy said "You know, I fought for this country." I said "OK." He was getting teary eyed "I'm a veteran. Don't you respect me?" I replied "no" and walked out. I'll probably stop back in next week. I noticed they have karaoke on Tuesday night. Now that will be awesome.
My buddy Ross and I stopped into a trivia game later last evening and I really needed the total of the football game to go over 46 - so I wasn't paying too close attention to the trivia questions. So this question comes up about top paid actors and a very nice older lady on the team says "Will Smith." I said "Nana, do you like it Big Willy style?" Ross started laughing and said "That is so wrong."
We went over to the Ramada after midnight and they have karaoke in there on Thursday. And like 7 people were in there. So we were pretty tanked at this point and I took a request slip and wrote a name on it, and put down Enter Sandman. Tank came by about 15 minutes later and handed me the mike and I said "Are you kidding? You know I never sing." Ross wouldn't sing either, and I bet he doesn't dance, but I've never asked him. So some old guy sang it for me. He was pretty bad, but I didn't care. Ross and I got one last shot of rock gut Scotch and took off. It was a pretty good night. By the way, there were 51 pts scored in the football game.
Oh, also, I might be heading to Chicago this weekend to meet with Sarah Horseface. I've been racking my brain for other ideas for change that we can believe in. But I can't think of any more. So I'm a little nervous about it. Plus, I make a terrible first impression, not to mention that all subsequent impressions are pretty bad as well.
I may be out tonight for a bit at the Bananabees for a trivia game. Those people hate me in there. I usually have a good time though. I was in there one Friday last month and I went up to the guy running the game and asked "Who is this Anna Graham you speak of?" He didn't laugh. Later, when I won the game he came by to give me the prize and said "Several teams think you were cheating." I said "OK."
And in the air there is after shave lotion
In the wake of a snake hip Persian
On his arm there's a skin tight vision
Wonder why she ain't mine and she's his and...
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