I was sitting at the bar at a place called the Bongwater Cafe Friday night and they serve these terrible and terribly overpriced tropical drinks. So, I'm sitting there and they have these awful calypso versions of Christmas songs playing and this woman wanders in from shopping, sits down next to me, and orders some kind of wine. She looks over at me and says "How many of those have you had?" It was 7:30 and I'd had 2 drinks of something called Panama Punch. I told her "I've been here since 3 o'clock and this is my seventh or eighth. I can't remember exactly." She started getting a little frisky after I told her that. She smiled and said "Oh, honey, that's a lot of liquor and you don't seem drunk." I replied "Don't worry about that, I can assure you I'm hammered." Then she gulped down the rest of her glass of wine and asked "You wanna get some shots?" I didn't want any shots. So I told her "We can do some shots if you want." We proceeded to order 2 rounds of Sambuca and she was really getting all handsy at that point. It was a little after 8 and she leans over and whispers in my ear "Would you like to go to my place for an early Christmas present?" I got up, threw 50 bucks on the bar and said "No thanks Miss, I've gotta get my hair cut."
I was out at Bananabees later with Andy and Jess and a trivia question comes up about what percentage of US women over 65 have their labia pierced. I said "I read somewhere it's over 90%." Andy said "Where did you read that?" I said "the AARP magazine."
There were these two Dolphin fans in Gloomy Daze yesterday. They looked like retards. One of them was wearing a Lamar Smith jersey. Now, Lamar Smith only played two years for the Dolphins - the last coming in 2001 I think. He is best known for getting drunk, wrecking his car with a teammate as a passenger,the teammate having his neck paralyzed as a result and Smith having to pay like half his salary to the guy for the rest of his career (this happened when Smith played for the Seahawks in like 1994). So these Dolphin guys were really getting annoying with their juvenile antics and pitiful girl-like high-fiving. I walked over to the guy with the Smith jersey and he gave me this big toothy grin and says "You a Dolphins fan?" I said "Not a chance in hell - but I'm curious why you're wearing this ridiculous jersey?" He said "It was a gift from my grandma." I asked "Has you granny passed on since she gave it to you?" Then Ross comes over and says "Did you just ask that guy if his grandma gave it to him?" "Yep." Then Ross asks this kid "Did your grandma really give it to you?" The Dolphin guy answered "Yes, for my birthday." Ross said "That's sick. Let's get the fuck out of here." And we did.
Geilfuss was out with this us yesterday and suggested we go play poker with some guys. I asked him "What's the buy in?" He said "Five bucks." I laughed and laughed.
I did manage to see this Christmas thing on the TV the other day. I'm not sure exactly what it was called. But it was about this miser who was played by Campbell Scott's father. From the looks of the old guy, I could tell he was a very keen businessman, but probably had poor luck with the babes back in the day. What made me think this was the way he wore his hair and the clothes he donned. He didn't really come across as much of a player. I mean even though he had all this dough, he wasn't taking advantage. It would be like if Donald Trump stayed celibate his whole life instead of trading in for a hot new wife every 10-15 years. It doesn't make any sense (much like Trump's hair). So, I watched this thing for awhile and some ghost comes on there. And I thought; please, no Whoopi Goldberg! But I didn't see Demi Moore either - and that would have made it watchable. I got the sense there was meaning behind the tale that was being told. But for the life of me, I couldn't get over the way all these people dressed. It looked like something out of the past - like 150 years ago or something. I turned it off after the Equalizer showed up acting like another ghost. Then I took the clunker and flipped around and found Blame It On Rio. That was more like it.
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