Someone showed me these letters written by like a 12 to 14 year old kid a few years ago. What this kid would do is send pen pal letters to people he barely knew about all these crazy adventures he was always having. Anyway, I made copies of a few of them and wanted to share one with the throngs of people who read this pointless blog from time to time.
Dear Pen Pal,
Camp is getting a little weird this week. They had parents day and since I'm an orphan, and don't have any parents, I got loaded on Wild Turkey at like 9:30 in the morning. Which turned out to be a mistake, believe me. So, there's a guy in my cabin named Ray (I always tell him - it's a shame about you Ray - he doesn't get it.) So, Ray's dad is in prison for statutory rape, but his mom made it out to parents day anyway. Like I said, I was pretty loaded and pacing around the lake chain smoking and hoping like hell some girl would have her bikini top slip off - well not just any girl, but one of about 7 hot ones anyway. As I'm staggering around this woman approaches. Here is what happened - some of it is foggy as I was really tanked.
This lady comes up to me and says "I've been looking all over for you."
"Why madam?"
"Aren't you Ray's cabin mate?"
"Yes ma'am."
"Well Ray just raves about what a good friend you are and how he couldn't possibly make it through the summer without you."
Now this lady was talking with a bit of an aristocratic lisp and she was way overdressed for a day at this crappy camp. She had on too much make-up and not enough top. I'm not really friends with Ray at all. I don't really talk to him much. He listens to Linkin Park.
"Well golly, thanks. That means a lot coming from Ray. He's very bright." He wasn't bright.
"Oh, well, thanks dear. Are you feeling okay? You look a little sick." I bet I looked like I was about to fall over.
"I'm good. I'm dead drunk and have been chain smoking all morning."
"You poor thing. Bless your heart. And you'll be in 8th grade this fall?" Why she chose this moment to ascertain my approximate age is open to debate.
"I'm supposed to be, but I'm thinking of dropping out to work as a longshoreman." I really am considering this.
What happened then is a little embarrassing. I must of passed out and fell onto this woman as she was way too close. Next thing I know, I come to. She's taken me back to the cabin and I'm in my cot and she's sitting next to me. And then I realized she'd taken my shorts off. Wow, this was getting dicey. I was really feeling bad and didn't know what to do. Then she said - "Relax, let me make you feel better." I'm not sure what she meant but nothing promising was popping into my head.
I bolted up and said "Thanks, but I feel much better now. Don't worry about me." So I started backing toward the cabin door and grabbed one last fifth of Wild Turkey, opened the door, and ran like hell. I ran out of camp toward the small town nearby and when I got to the nearest filling station I really needed a smoke. But Ray's mother had them - with my shorts. So, there I am, standing outside this filling station, naked from the waist down and desperately needing a cigarette. I walked inside as casually as I could, took a big swig of Wild Turkey and asked the lady working behind the counter "Would you be terribly put out if I get a pack of Lucky Strikes on credit?" She said "Sure, but you need to step around the counter and do something for me first." That didn't sound too enticing. Now, I'm thinking what is wrong with these women I'm meeting today? I ran back out saying "Thanks for the offer, but I gotta run." I ran into a laundromat and stole a pair of shorts that were way too big for me, then went into a dive bar and I'll be damned - but Ray's mom was in there. I said "I give up. If you buy me a beer and a pack of smokes, I'll hang out with you for like 30 minutes." I was completely exhausted and tired from running.
Well, we did hang out for awhile. We talked mainly about how her son would probably become a child psychologist or a child molester. Then the sheriff came in with the camp director. They drug me out of there, took me back to camp and I slept for like 10 hours.
I've got to get out of this place.
Your Buddy,
D----
The letter seems pretty funny at some points. But I worry about that kid. I sometimes wonder what has happened to him.
I was sitting at a Christmas party and all of my co-workers are one-by-one telling about what their greatest accomplishment was this past year. There was this new woman who has been working here like 3 weeks and she doesn't really have any accomplishments yet. So, she said "I guess I would say getting married on Oct. 4 is my greatest accomplishment." It got to be my turn and I said "My greatest accomplishment is showing up at this party." So a few people laughed, but I wasn't kidding. So then the woman who runs the whole division says "Anything else?" I said "Well, I was gonna say getting divorced, but I'm not married and while I could get married today or tomorrow and maybe get divorced by the end of the year, it seems like a lot of work just to mock that woman."
I was at a Steak Place in Hairy Ball last night and they were playing a trivia game in there. The place was called the Duplicate Steak Joint. So this question comes up at one point about where the Liberty Bell was hidden from the British troops during the Revolutionary War. I had no idea. But my buddy Jeff thought it might be Allentown, Pa. Turns out he was right, but we missed it because Geilfuss kept saying "Could it be Kobe Bryant?"
No comments:
Post a Comment