Christmas is something I've never completely understood. I remember at church one time the Sunday School teacher telling me something about a virgin giving birth. That seemed really hard for me to believe - and I was like 7 at the time. So I kept asking this woman "But how is it physically possible for a virgin to give birth?" and "That seems too far fetched for even a 7 year old to buy." She lost her patience with me and I was permanently barred from Sunday School. Then I started to watch all the Christmas specials that came on TV every year. And those confused me even more. Rudolph seems to be telling us that reindeer with red noses haven't been drinking their lives away like all the old dudes you see with red noses in all the dive bars in all the places all over the world. A Year Without A Santa Claus seems to be telling us that Mickey Rooney could be Santa - and he's been married about a dozen times - so that leads me to believe that Christmas is about serial womanizing. A Charlie Brown Christmas seems to be telling us that kids in the 50's and 60's danced like spazzes and never had any parents around. How The Grinch Stole Christmas would have us believe that Boris Karloff could get a 10 pound dog to pull a sleigh around. It's baffling. The whole thing is totally baffling. Christmas.
I was in a Christmas play one time and I played the Easter Bunny of all things. Well there was this girl who played another Easter Bunny - I have no idea why there were two Easter Bunnies. Anyway, this other Bunny - she was hot. I think her name was Jill. So this is like 1983 or something. We were practicing our hopping quite a bit for a couple of weeks. And Jill and I never quite got our hopping synchronized and the director was getting really frustrated with our hopping issues. So right before the play, Jill and I are hopping around furiously and we were getting exhausted from all this pre-performance hopping. Then we went to get changed into the Bunny costumes and Jill said "I'm pretty pooped from all this hopping. Do you think you could help me into my bunny costume?" And then I did. Now, I'm not sure how much or what a 12 year old girl is supposed to wear under a rented Easter Bunny costume, but Jill decided on bra and panties only. And I remember thinking to myself - I can't possibly go on stage with this erection. And I didn't.
I'm told that when I was like 4, I received a heating blanket from some old lady for Christmas and I screamed out "I hate this." It seems believable, because I bet I did hate it. What kind of crazy old lady gives a 4 year old a heating blanket?
On Christmas in 1996 I went to this bar at like 4:30 in the afternoon. It was in the Embassy Suites right off 270. My buddy Pavman managed the bar. We were watching the Aloha Bowl between Cal and Navy. I had an interest in Navy covering the spread. So, we're the only two people in this bar and we are both double-fisting - a beer and some kind of mixed drink going at all times. By like 7 we were hammered. We met up with some other guys at Fridays for some stupid reason. So then about 10 or so we went to this awful dive bar at Tamarack Circle. I don't remember much, but I was told later that I got thrown out for calling all of the women in the bar "Dirty Christmas Donkey Fucking Whores." Which seemed reasonable. I'm sure they were. I hadn't gone in that place for like 9 years. Then when I did in November 2005 I got thrown out again. I told a skank in there to wipe the cum off her face before she goes out for the night.
One year I was in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan for Christmas. And I got a whole bunch of gifts I didn't want. So I took them outside and started a fire with them. Then I put my shirt over my head and started walking around crazy saying "Fire, Fire, Fire."
I was out Monday at Charred Pork Bucket for trivia and the old drunk guy was there and he was terrible. He didn't get one answer right as usual. Anyway, after he paid his tab he decided he wanted one more scotch. So Bob was bar tending and giving this old guy a hard time about wanting another drink after swiping the credit card and all. Things were getting a little heated. Then I heard Bob say to the old drunk guy "You want me to run the card again?" And the old drunk guy said loudly "That's why they call it a fucking credit card." Andy fell on the floor laughing. We won the game anyway. They asked Save By The Bell trivia for god's sake. Kelly Kapowski.
I'll probably be out at Get Bent Lounge tonight. It's the only place I know will be open. There is a huge game between Hawaii and the Papists.
TBFH
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