That's What Worries Me

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I never understood the question. Although it is fun to say chuck chuck.

I was sitting at a football game one time and there was a guy there with a personalized jersey - it said Dalai Lama across the back. This guy had a whole crew who sat with him - 4 other guys. He spent a lot of time giving suggestions to the head coach and offensive coordinator of his team - yet he was in the upper deck and opposite side of the field- so there's no way the coaches could have heard him. But he kept saying "Run the ball. Run the ball." Then when that wasn't working he'd yell "We gotta pass the football. Dammit." I was totally confused by this Dalai Lama guy. Plus he and his crew were sharing bites of the same hot dogs and ham and cheese sandwiches. I think they may have had a few beers before the game. So another guy with a personalized jersey comes over and it says Bobby Nyk on it. The number he chose was 69. I couldn't hear what the two of them were discussing, but I think it was fiduciary stuff because both of them might have recently invested in the hair team for men. Directly behind me was a lady who kept apologizing for cursing like a sailor - which didn't particularly bother me to be honest. But I was disturbed by a cheer some of the ladies in the section were doing (including the cursing lady). They kept yelling "Protect our hole. Protect our hole." I turned to my buddy Dan and asked "Why are they saying that?" He replied "This is a very Catholic city." Which is true. It really is. As we were leaving the game, the lady who cursed like a sailor said to me "I hope you weren't offended by my mouth." I said "Madam, I was never offended, just often confused." She didn't say anything else. So I added as I raced away "It really wasn't your mouth I was worried about."

I did show up at that trivia game at Bananabees last Friday and this question came up about phobias. The guy asked "What are you afraid of if you suffer from methyphobia?" I answered Barack Hussein Obama. I won the game anyway.

I puked into a toilet one time.

I was sitting in the Wreck Room on Saturday and my buddy Ross comes in. There were several squirrelly looking guys at the end of the bar talking about how much overtime they are missing out on right now. I didn't quite get what the issue was. Ross looks down toward these dudes and asks "What the fuck is wrong with them?" I was wondering why they wore there hair in ponytails and such and said to Ross "You have no idea. Let's get out of here." So we left. We went to another, even more awful place later that night and this woman walks up to me and takes off my ball cap, puts it on her head then starts rubbing my face. She says "You are sooo cute." I look at Ross and he says "I think she's into you." I said "That's what worries me." We left there too. We finally end up at a place ten times worse than any place else we'd been that day (my recollection is that we went into 5 places in all). Ross goes comatose at about 1:30 in that place. And I can't get him to move. He's got about 25 $1 bills stacked in front of him - I guess he had been shoving ones into some girl's garter. I looked around and thought - this is going to end badly. And it did. It really did.

I saw something about the governor of Illinois and how he and Obama don't go to the same barber, but are apparently acquaintances nonetheless. And I was talking to my buddy Paul about this guy (Paul is from Chicago) and I said "Did you vote for that guy with that hair?" He said he didn't. But someone must have. I'm thinking about getting this governor in touch with Bobby Nyk and the Dalai Lama guy. But I don't know how to do that. It's a real downer. I feel like if I could facilitate a three-way between these guys, then I'd be doing my part for change we can believe in.

I was at a trivia game Saturday and this old guy is there and a question comes up about who was the first American to win a Nobel Prize. He said "Einstein?" I said "What about him?" The old guy says "Fuck...who gives a shit." I wholeheartedly agreed with that.

TBFH