The Real Meaninglessness of Christmas

Christmas is something I've never completely understood. I remember at church one time the Sunday School teacher telling me something about a virgin giving birth. That seemed really hard for me to believe - and I was like 7 at the time. So I kept asking this woman "But how is it physically possible for a virgin to give birth?" and "That seems too far fetched for even a 7 year old to buy." She lost her patience with me and I was permanently barred from Sunday School. Then I started to watch all the Christmas specials that came on TV every year. And those confused me even more. Rudolph seems to be telling us that reindeer with red noses haven't been drinking their lives away like all the old dudes you see with red noses in all the dive bars in all the places all over the world. A Year Without A Santa Claus seems to be telling us that Mickey Rooney could be Santa - and he's been married about a dozen times - so that leads me to believe that Christmas is about serial womanizing. A Charlie Brown Christmas seems to be telling us that kids in the 50's and 60's danced like spazzes and never had any parents around. How The Grinch Stole Christmas would have us believe that Boris Karloff could get a 10 pound dog to pull a sleigh around. It's baffling. The whole thing is totally baffling. Christmas.

I was in a Christmas play one time and I played the Easter Bunny of all things. Well there was this girl who played another Easter Bunny - I have no idea why there were two Easter Bunnies. Anyway, this other Bunny - she was hot. I think her name was Jill. So this is like 1983 or something. We were practicing our hopping quite a bit for a couple of weeks. And Jill and I never quite got our hopping synchronized and the director was getting really frustrated with our hopping issues. So right before the play, Jill and I are hopping around furiously and we were getting exhausted from all this pre-performance hopping. Then we went to get changed into the Bunny costumes and Jill said "I'm pretty pooped from all this hopping. Do you think you could help me into my bunny costume?" And then I did. Now, I'm not sure how much or what a 12 year old girl is supposed to wear under a rented Easter Bunny costume, but Jill decided on bra and panties only. And I remember thinking to myself - I can't possibly go on stage with this erection. And I didn't.

I'm told that when I was like 4, I received a heating blanket from some old lady for Christmas and I screamed out "I hate this." It seems believable, because I bet I did hate it. What kind of crazy old lady gives a 4 year old a heating blanket?

On Christmas in 1996 I went to this bar at like 4:30 in the afternoon. It was in the Embassy Suites right off 270. My buddy Pavman managed the bar. We were watching the Aloha Bowl between Cal and Navy. I had an interest in Navy covering the spread. So, we're the only two people in this bar and we are both double-fisting - a beer and some kind of mixed drink going at all times. By like 7 we were hammered. We met up with some other guys at Fridays for some stupid reason. So then about 10 or so we went to this awful dive bar at Tamarack Circle. I don't remember much, but I was told later that I got thrown out for calling all of the women in the bar "Dirty Christmas Donkey Fucking Whores." Which seemed reasonable. I'm sure they were. I hadn't gone in that place for like 9 years. Then when I did in November 2005 I got thrown out again. I told a skank in there to wipe the cum off her face before she goes out for the night.

One year I was in Bloomfield Hills, Michigan for Christmas. And I got a whole bunch of gifts I didn't want. So I took them outside and started a fire with them. Then I put my shirt over my head and started walking around crazy saying "Fire, Fire, Fire."

I was out Monday at Charred Pork Bucket for trivia and the old drunk guy was there and he was terrible. He didn't get one answer right as usual. Anyway, after he paid his tab he decided he wanted one more scotch. So Bob was bar tending and giving this old guy a hard time about wanting another drink after swiping the credit card and all. Things were getting a little heated. Then I heard Bob say to the old drunk guy "You want me to run the card again?" And the old drunk guy said loudly "That's why they call it a fucking credit card." Andy fell on the floor laughing. We won the game anyway. They asked Save By The Bell trivia for god's sake. Kelly Kapowski.

I'll probably be out at Get Bent Lounge tonight. It's the only place I know will be open. There is a huge game between Hawaii and the Papists.

TBFH

The Dolphins Fan In The Lamar Smith Jersey

I was sitting at the bar at a place called the Bongwater Cafe Friday night and they serve these terrible and terribly overpriced tropical drinks. So, I'm sitting there and they have these awful calypso versions of Christmas songs playing and this woman wanders in from shopping, sits down next to me, and orders some kind of wine. She looks over at me and says "How many of those have you had?" It was 7:30 and I'd had 2 drinks of something called Panama Punch. I told her "I've been here since 3 o'clock and this is my seventh or eighth. I can't remember exactly." She started getting a little frisky after I told her that. She smiled and said "Oh, honey, that's a lot of liquor and you don't seem drunk." I replied "Don't worry about that, I can assure you I'm hammered." Then she gulped down the rest of her glass of wine and asked "You wanna get some shots?" I didn't want any shots. So I told her "We can do some shots if you want." We proceeded to order 2 rounds of Sambuca and she was really getting all handsy at that point. It was a little after 8 and she leans over and whispers in my ear "Would you like to go to my place for an early Christmas present?" I got up, threw 50 bucks on the bar and said "No thanks Miss, I've gotta get my hair cut."

I was out at Bananabees later with Andy and Jess and a trivia question comes up about what percentage of US women over 65 have their labia pierced. I said "I read somewhere it's over 90%." Andy said "Where did you read that?" I said "the AARP magazine."

There were these two Dolphin fans in Gloomy Daze yesterday. They looked like retards. One of them was wearing a Lamar Smith jersey. Now, Lamar Smith only played two years for the Dolphins - the last coming in 2001 I think. He is best known for getting drunk, wrecking his car with a teammate as a passenger,the teammate having his neck paralyzed as a result and Smith having to pay like half his salary to the guy for the rest of his career (this happened when Smith played for the Seahawks in like 1994). So these Dolphin guys were really getting annoying with their juvenile antics and pitiful girl-like high-fiving. I walked over to the guy with the Smith jersey and he gave me this big toothy grin and says "You a Dolphins fan?" I said "Not a chance in hell - but I'm curious why you're wearing this ridiculous jersey?" He said "It was a gift from my grandma." I asked "Has you granny passed on since she gave it to you?" Then Ross comes over and says "Did you just ask that guy if his grandma gave it to him?" "Yep." Then Ross asks this kid "Did your grandma really give it to you?" The Dolphin guy answered "Yes, for my birthday." Ross said "That's sick. Let's get the fuck out of here." And we did.

Geilfuss was out with this us yesterday and suggested we go play poker with some guys. I asked him "What's the buy in?" He said "Five bucks." I laughed and laughed.

I did manage to see this Christmas thing on the TV the other day. I'm not sure exactly what it was called. But it was about this miser who was played by Campbell Scott's father. From the looks of the old guy, I could tell he was a very keen businessman, but probably had poor luck with the babes back in the day. What made me think this was the way he wore his hair and the clothes he donned. He didn't really come across as much of a player. I mean even though he had all this dough, he wasn't taking advantage. It would be like if Donald Trump stayed celibate his whole life instead of trading in for a hot new wife every 10-15 years. It doesn't make any sense (much like Trump's hair). So, I watched this thing for awhile and some ghost comes on there. And I thought; please, no Whoopi Goldberg! But I didn't see Demi Moore either - and that would have made it watchable. I got the sense there was meaning behind the tale that was being told. But for the life of me, I couldn't get over the way all these people dressed. It looked like something out of the past - like 150 years ago or something. I turned it off after the Equalizer showed up acting like another ghost. Then I took the clunker and flipped around and found Blame It On Rio. That was more like it.

The Homeless Guy Who Puked

I was at the Ramada again and it was pretty late and it was pretty lame. The woman with the putrid breath who goes in there kept leaning in to talk to me in a disturbingly half-seductive way. She kept telling me how she focuses in all night long. Then she got up to sing Pat Benatar and the song was beyond terrible (Invincible) and she is one of the worst singers in there, but not so bad that she's entertaining (those are my favorites). She comes back and her breath was even worse somehow. I got up to move after awhile. I was getting depressed at this point. Then, I notice this guy Leonard is there. And I like Leonard - he's one of the guys who is such a bad singer that he's entertaining. I begged him to sing Enter Sandman. And he did. Leonard is so tone deaf that he's hopeless and he has a speech impediment. In the other words, he is the perfect karaoke singer. It was so awesome that as Leonard finished I got up and went over to give him a hug (and remember, I hate touching people). The night was really looking up now. So I get one more indiscriminate lite beer. About ten minutes later, I was talking to this woman named Boobie about chope and how she shouldn't be ashamed of her past when she starred in porn movies for guys with a fattie fetish. Then I look directly across the table from me. There was a homeless guy sitting there. And things got bad again. Now, some stupid do-gooder kid in there had asked this homeless guy to sit down and ordered him some food and started buying him Budweisers at some point much earlier in the night than when I got there. So, I look up at one point from my beer and this homeless guy is barfing all over the floor. I did learn one valuable detail at that moment - the do-gooder had bought him chicken. Well, Boobie sees the same thing and starts freaking out. In fact, some of the vomit somehow got on the arm of her awful, cheap, and awning sized coat. So, I'm getting up to leave (obviously) and the do-gooder says to me, and this is an exact quote, "You are a narcissistic asshole." As I walked by him on the way out I said "Okay."

Earlier I stopped into Get Bent Lounge for like 20-30 minutes. And J is in there and he is peppering me with questions about my picks for the NFL and the hard hitting bowl action this weekend. He said "I need one monster lock." I've told him before that there is no such thing as a lock - unless you know someone is throwing a game (and I don't have those kind of connections). So he says again "One monster lock-a-rooni." And I said "Why are doing Rob Schneider material from like 15 years ago?"

I was sitting at lunch minding my own business and these two guys in suits started talking about a guy named Bernie Made Off or something close to that. I've never heard of him. Anyway, they were saying how he ran some Ponzi scheme and screwed all these wealthy people out of wads of cash. And then one of them said to the other - "He looks like a Jew." Now, I'm not a spiritual person. In fact, whatever is the opposite of spiritual would be much closer to correct. But I hate stereotyping of any kind. I detest it. So I said to these guys "What do you mean by 'he looks like a Jew'?" The one guy said "He is Jewish. And he looks like other Jews." I said "Oh." I learned a valuable lesson right there - Don't question men in suits at a Subway.

There was this question at trivia about two writers who died on the same date in 1616. This real nice guy named Mike says "Longfellow?" I said "No."

I should be back out at Bananabees this evening for another spirited Friday of stupidity.

Lastly, one Monday night Paulie put on One Tree Hill at about 1:55. I stood up and yelled "Turn it up til we all go deaf." - TBFH

Mookie Blaylock

I was sitting in a bar one time and was watching an Atlanta Hawks game (this is sometime mid-90's) and I believe this was a Sunday. The Hawks were playing the Miami Heat in the playoffs. I started walking around the bar and I kept repeating, to no one in particular, - "Mookie Fucking Blaylock." And this one girl starts to get perturbed, and I don't really blame her too much because I must of seemed crazy, and after 15 or 20 minutes of screaming "Mookie Fucking Blaylock" like 50 or 100 times this girl asks "What's so special about him?" I looked her dead in the eye and said "He can flat ball."

This old guy I know, the guy who likes to say things like "Who gives a fuck?" and "Who fucking cares?" was leaving the Charred Pork Bucket as I was going in the other night. I didn't speak to him, but I did watch him take like 5 minutes to get into his truck and get going out of the parking lot. He seemed totally blitzed. It was 8:25 or so. So I wander into the bar and see where he had been sitting. Turns out he had been playing trivia and attempted to answer 10 questions. And I notice on his score sheet that he had gotten 2 right. I figured these had to be the easiest questions in the history of trivia - because he never gets an answer right when he's really drunk (and rarely gets an answer right at any level of being oiled up). So I go up to the kid running the game and I said "How in the world did that old dude get 2 answers right?" The kid said "I don't know. I was pretty surprised." I said "Surprised? Hell, I'm worried the world is about to end. What were the questions?" And then he told me the questions and both of them were 50/50 guesses. One was true/false and the other was a choice between two states (NY or PA). So then I said to the kid - "Whew! Thank God. The world is not going to end." And it didn't.

Tyson came out last night and he stumbles into the bar dead drunk. Dead drunk. He kept hugging the bartender Pat. One of the Jacobys comes over to me and says "Is he alright?" I said "Oh yeah, just wait. It's gonna get worse." And then two members of the Dream Team come in and sit their STD riddled bodies at the bar. And Tyson goes over to sit next to one of them. I looked at Andy and we started giggling uncontrollably. I yelled over to the Jacobys "Now is when it will get worse." And it did.

Another time, in 1988, I was sitting at my girlfriend's house and I was watching the Final Four game between Arizona and Oklahoma. And I'm there, Amy is there, and her Dad is there (Dr. Teske). And at one point there was this incredible steal and I stood up from the couch and yelled "Mookie Fucking Blayock."

I was out at the Ramada again last night and this trivia game starts up. The woman who runs it - I believe her name is Boobie - asks a series of ridiculous Christmas themed questions. At one point she asked what president made Christmas a federal holiday. I said "Jeff Davis?" We won anyway.

The Girl From The Seasonal Store

I was sitting at the bar with my buddies Andy and Alley watching a game between the Colts and the Bolts one night last fall and there was this girl in there who introduced herself as Farrah. Farrah was very talkative - too talkative. She was way drunk and on some kind of Ritalin type drug as well. Farrah explained that she had spent lots of time in the nut house (I believe she was like 24) and was currently working at a seasonal store (this was early November) as some customer service person. So I said "Paprika?" She was really confused. I started to feel like this poor girl needed help. She kept telling me I'm the smartest person she's ever met - which, if that's true, is really sad. I was giving Farrah advice on how to sell seasoning for quite a while. You know - "push the pepper, everyone loves pepper." And "Cinnamon makes the world go around. People need cinnamon." And "Dress up like Peppermint Patty and approach lesbian customers." And "Tell people you are the salt of the earth." Lastly - "Give customers free horseradish by walking around with some in your mouth and randomly giving open-mouth kisses to them." Poor Alley was laughing so hard I thought she'd peed herself and Andy (who has the most infectious belly laugh in the greater metro area) is spitting his beer up. Farrah kept referring to Alley as Marilyn Monroe (Alley is blonde) and she kept calling Andy Mr. Sir (I have no idea why - although if you don't know Andy he can appear intimidating). So, I started talking about how David Bowie is infinitely better than Jim Morrison and Farrah disagrees with me. She's babbling incoherently about Morrison being her god or something. It was pitiful. Then she kept wanting more to drink but was out of cash and this whole brief encounter was ridiculous anyway. I got up to walk away and Farrah says "Are you going to leave me here?" And I replied "Yes." Whenever I see Alley she mentions poor Farrah and we laugh and laugh.

I saw Mary (Andy's sis) last night at trivia and she said "I need to talk to you. I'm very confused when I read your blog. I can't tell if it's true or not." I said "It's as true as you want it to be."

You know how, as a kid, you took a Christmas present to your teacher? Well, one year I asked my sixth grade teacher (Mrs. Crisman) what she would like for me to get her as a gift. She said, and I remember this so clearly - "Just stay home for a day."

There was this girl I knew in 6th grade - her name was Beth and she was in 7th grade - and we were both at this ridiculous Christmas dance that the school and the parents threw. So this girl was hot, not in a slutty way either - but in an innocent way. So I went up to her at this dance and there was this awful song by Aldo Nova that was popular at the time for some reason and the deejay was playing this crappy tune and I said to Beth "Would you care to dance with me?" And she said "Yeah." It made me pretty happy at the time. It really did. She moved away after that school year. I only saw her one time after that - she came back to visit the school with a friend the next year and I stared over in her direction for a good long while - but I was 13 and never went over to speak to her. She looked good though. She really did. Good old Beth Troyan.

Wow, I'm getting really depressed now.

Christmas Luncheon

I'm sitting there at this luncheon and my coworker Fran says "I hope the buffet isn't too heavy on seafood." Which is funny because she claims to be allergic to seafood, yet she didn't ask beforehand about the buffet. I was waiting for her to ask "Did they season these fries?" I've seen her ask that a hundred times. There weren't any fries on the buffet though. That was a letdown. I also was waiting for her to complain about our seating location. Fran usually moves two or three times before settling on someplace. She did complain about other things though - you better believe that. She complained that she has to send her husband back into the closet to change sometimes before they go out somewhere. So I said "How many times has your husband tried to come out of the closet?" Someone laughed. Then she complained about a pumpkin cheesecake. I had a great time. It really got me in the holiday spirit.

I ate too much meatloaf and then threw up. I've listened to too much MeatLoaf (which is about 7 seconds) and thrown up as well.

I was in the men's room there and a guy came in whistling Beethoven's 5th in rhythm to his repulsive farts. I started gasping for air, but it was no use. I threw up again.

Ho Ho Ho,

TBFH

That's What Worries Me

How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? I never understood the question. Although it is fun to say chuck chuck.

I was sitting at a football game one time and there was a guy there with a personalized jersey - it said Dalai Lama across the back. This guy had a whole crew who sat with him - 4 other guys. He spent a lot of time giving suggestions to the head coach and offensive coordinator of his team - yet he was in the upper deck and opposite side of the field- so there's no way the coaches could have heard him. But he kept saying "Run the ball. Run the ball." Then when that wasn't working he'd yell "We gotta pass the football. Dammit." I was totally confused by this Dalai Lama guy. Plus he and his crew were sharing bites of the same hot dogs and ham and cheese sandwiches. I think they may have had a few beers before the game. So another guy with a personalized jersey comes over and it says Bobby Nyk on it. The number he chose was 69. I couldn't hear what the two of them were discussing, but I think it was fiduciary stuff because both of them might have recently invested in the hair team for men. Directly behind me was a lady who kept apologizing for cursing like a sailor - which didn't particularly bother me to be honest. But I was disturbed by a cheer some of the ladies in the section were doing (including the cursing lady). They kept yelling "Protect our hole. Protect our hole." I turned to my buddy Dan and asked "Why are they saying that?" He replied "This is a very Catholic city." Which is true. It really is. As we were leaving the game, the lady who cursed like a sailor said to me "I hope you weren't offended by my mouth." I said "Madam, I was never offended, just often confused." She didn't say anything else. So I added as I raced away "It really wasn't your mouth I was worried about."

I did show up at that trivia game at Bananabees last Friday and this question came up about phobias. The guy asked "What are you afraid of if you suffer from methyphobia?" I answered Barack Hussein Obama. I won the game anyway.

I puked into a toilet one time.

I was sitting in the Wreck Room on Saturday and my buddy Ross comes in. There were several squirrelly looking guys at the end of the bar talking about how much overtime they are missing out on right now. I didn't quite get what the issue was. Ross looks down toward these dudes and asks "What the fuck is wrong with them?" I was wondering why they wore there hair in ponytails and such and said to Ross "You have no idea. Let's get out of here." So we left. We went to another, even more awful place later that night and this woman walks up to me and takes off my ball cap, puts it on her head then starts rubbing my face. She says "You are sooo cute." I look at Ross and he says "I think she's into you." I said "That's what worries me." We left there too. We finally end up at a place ten times worse than any place else we'd been that day (my recollection is that we went into 5 places in all). Ross goes comatose at about 1:30 in that place. And I can't get him to move. He's got about 25 $1 bills stacked in front of him - I guess he had been shoving ones into some girl's garter. I looked around and thought - this is going to end badly. And it did. It really did.

I saw something about the governor of Illinois and how he and Obama don't go to the same barber, but are apparently acquaintances nonetheless. And I was talking to my buddy Paul about this guy (Paul is from Chicago) and I said "Did you vote for that guy with that hair?" He said he didn't. But someone must have. I'm thinking about getting this governor in touch with Bobby Nyk and the Dalai Lama guy. But I don't know how to do that. It's a real downer. I feel like if I could facilitate a three-way between these guys, then I'd be doing my part for change we can believe in.

I was at a trivia game Saturday and this old guy is there and a question comes up about who was the first American to win a Nobel Prize. He said "Einstein?" I said "What about him?" The old guy says "Fuck...who gives a shit." I wholeheartedly agreed with that.

TBFH

The Grizzled Stupid Guy Who Watches MSNBC

I was out at the Charred Pork Bucket again last night. I don't know why I keep going in there. At least half the people in there are over 70 and drink all day. It's definitely my kind of crowd. Well, last night I was sitting at the bar and this old guy starts buying me rounds for no real reason - I play trivia with him from time to time and he almost never gets any answers right. So I start in on the Rumpleminze because he's buying and they've got the TV on the MSNBC again - but this time the sound was on. There was a guy screaming at some other guy about some automaker bailout. He was blabbering something like "I'm loud and stupid. Watch my show. I used to give Tip O'Neill happy ending massages. Watch my show." So I said to the bartender "Bob, could you cut the sound off of that TV? Put it on the moaning from the Spice Channel or anything else - even the jukebox would be an improvement over this screaming guy." He pointed to a guy who was closely watching the show. And I'll be damned if it wasn't that same guy from last month who I ran into and yelled "Chope" at a couple of times. So I walked over to the guy and he was drinking O'Douls - which always pisses me off. Never sit at a bar if you're not going to drink - and drink fast. I said to the guy "Have you ever read anything by JK Rowling (I've never actually read any of her books, but I overhear people talking from time to time. And I knew this girl 7 or 8 years ago who read those books - she was annoying but did favorably resemble Wynona Rider)?" He said "Huh?" I said "You look like that giant ogre guy played by Robbie Coltrane. I think his name is Hagrid." He said "Robbie who?" I said "You look like a fat, unkempt animal. And I bet you've never even seen The Pope Must Die." Well he didn't like that at all. He said "Boy, you need to go back to your seat and shut up." Well instead I walked outside and smoked a cigarette. When I came back in, the old guy who was buying me shots fell over and I yelled "Hagrid did it with that damned screaming from the MSNBC. I think he killed this old dude." I was wrong about that. Turns out the old guy had been drinking since six in the morning, was blitzed, and passed out. I got the impression it happens regularly. The bartender asked me to leave and I was happy to, but on the way out the MSNBC guy said "You know, I fought for this country." I said "OK." He was getting teary eyed "I'm a veteran. Don't you respect me?" I replied "no" and walked out. I'll probably stop back in next week. I noticed they have karaoke on Tuesday night. Now that will be awesome.

My buddy Ross and I stopped into a trivia game later last evening and I really needed the total of the football game to go over 46 - so I wasn't paying too close attention to the trivia questions. So this question comes up about top paid actors and a very nice older lady on the team says "Will Smith." I said "Nana, do you like it Big Willy style?" Ross started laughing and said "That is so wrong."

We went over to the Ramada after midnight and they have karaoke in there on Thursday. And like 7 people were in there. So we were pretty tanked at this point and I took a request slip and wrote a name on it, and put down Enter Sandman. Tank came by about 15 minutes later and handed me the mike and I said "Are you kidding? You know I never sing." Ross wouldn't sing either, and I bet he doesn't dance, but I've never asked him. So some old guy sang it for me. He was pretty bad, but I didn't care. Ross and I got one last shot of rock gut Scotch and took off. It was a pretty good night. By the way, there were 51 pts scored in the football game.

Oh, also, I might be heading to Chicago this weekend to meet with Sarah Horseface. I've been racking my brain for other ideas for change that we can believe in. But I can't think of any more. So I'm a little nervous about it. Plus, I make a terrible first impression, not to mention that all subsequent impressions are pretty bad as well.

I may be out tonight for a bit at the Bananabees for a trivia game. Those people hate me in there. I usually have a good time though. I was in there one Friday last month and I went up to the guy running the game and asked "Who is this Anna Graham you speak of?" He didn't laugh. Later, when I won the game he came by to give me the prize and said "Several teams think you were cheating." I said "OK."

And in the air there is after shave lotion

In the wake of a snake hip Persian

On his arm there's a skin tight vision

Wonder why she ain't mine and she's his and...

Something About A Pen Pal

Someone showed me these letters written by like a 12 to 14 year old kid a few years ago. What this kid would do is send pen pal letters to people he barely knew about all these crazy adventures he was always having. Anyway, I made copies of a few of them and wanted to share one with the throngs of people who read this pointless blog from time to time.

Dear Pen Pal,

Camp is getting a little weird this week. They had parents day and since I'm an orphan, and don't have any parents, I got loaded on Wild Turkey at like 9:30 in the morning. Which turned out to be a mistake, believe me. So, there's a guy in my cabin named Ray (I always tell him - it's a shame about you Ray - he doesn't get it.) So, Ray's dad is in prison for statutory rape, but his mom made it out to parents day anyway. Like I said, I was pretty loaded and pacing around the lake chain smoking and hoping like hell some girl would have her bikini top slip off - well not just any girl, but one of about 7 hot ones anyway. As I'm staggering around this woman approaches. Here is what happened - some of it is foggy as I was really tanked.

This lady comes up to me and says "I've been looking all over for you."

"Why madam?"

"Aren't you Ray's cabin mate?"

"Yes ma'am."

"Well Ray just raves about what a good friend you are and how he couldn't possibly make it through the summer without you."

Now this lady was talking with a bit of an aristocratic lisp and she was way overdressed for a day at this crappy camp. She had on too much make-up and not enough top. I'm not really friends with Ray at all. I don't really talk to him much. He listens to Linkin Park.

"Well golly, thanks. That means a lot coming from Ray. He's very bright." He wasn't bright.

"Oh, well, thanks dear. Are you feeling okay? You look a little sick." I bet I looked like I was about to fall over.

"I'm good. I'm dead drunk and have been chain smoking all morning."

"You poor thing. Bless your heart. And you'll be in 8th grade this fall?" Why she chose this moment to ascertain my approximate age is open to debate.

"I'm supposed to be, but I'm thinking of dropping out to work as a longshoreman." I really am considering this.

What happened then is a little embarrassing. I must of passed out and fell onto this woman as she was way too close. Next thing I know, I come to. She's taken me back to the cabin and I'm in my cot and she's sitting next to me. And then I realized she'd taken my shorts off. Wow, this was getting dicey. I was really feeling bad and didn't know what to do. Then she said - "Relax, let me make you feel better." I'm not sure what she meant but nothing promising was popping into my head.

I bolted up and said "Thanks, but I feel much better now. Don't worry about me." So I started backing toward the cabin door and grabbed one last fifth of Wild Turkey, opened the door, and ran like hell. I ran out of camp toward the small town nearby and when I got to the nearest filling station I really needed a smoke. But Ray's mother had them - with my shorts. So, there I am, standing outside this filling station, naked from the waist down and desperately needing a cigarette. I walked inside as casually as I could, took a big swig of Wild Turkey and asked the lady working behind the counter "Would you be terribly put out if I get a pack of Lucky Strikes on credit?" She said "Sure, but you need to step around the counter and do something for me first." That didn't sound too enticing. Now, I'm thinking what is wrong with these women I'm meeting today? I ran back out saying "Thanks for the offer, but I gotta run." I ran into a laundromat and stole a pair of shorts that were way too big for me, then went into a dive bar and I'll be damned - but Ray's mom was in there. I said "I give up. If you buy me a beer and a pack of smokes, I'll hang out with you for like 30 minutes." I was completely exhausted and tired from running.

Well, we did hang out for awhile. We talked mainly about how her son would probably become a child psychologist or a child molester. Then the sheriff came in with the camp director. They drug me out of there, took me back to camp and I slept for like 10 hours.

I've got to get out of this place.

Your Buddy,

D----

The letter seems pretty funny at some points. But I worry about that kid. I sometimes wonder what has happened to him.

I was sitting at a Christmas party and all of my co-workers are one-by-one telling about what their greatest accomplishment was this past year. There was this new woman who has been working here like 3 weeks and she doesn't really have any accomplishments yet. So, she said "I guess I would say getting married on Oct. 4 is my greatest accomplishment." It got to be my turn and I said "My greatest accomplishment is showing up at this party." So a few people laughed, but I wasn't kidding. So then the woman who runs the whole division says "Anything else?" I said "Well, I was gonna say getting divorced, but I'm not married and while I could get married today or tomorrow and maybe get divorced by the end of the year, it seems like a lot of work just to mock that woman."

I was at a Steak Place in Hairy Ball last night and they were playing a trivia game in there. The place was called the Duplicate Steak Joint. So this question comes up at one point about where the Liberty Bell was hidden from the British troops during the Revolutionary War. I had no idea. But my buddy Jeff thought it might be Allentown, Pa. Turns out he was right, but we missed it because Geilfuss kept saying "Could it be Kobe Bryant?"

27 Things You Have To See Before You Die

1- Jeff Ross at the Roast with Emmit Smith and Shaq.


2- Carl Lewis singing the National Anthem at a New Jersey Nets game in 1993 - sublime.


3-John L Smith being interviewed by Jack Arute right before halftime of the Michigan State/Ohio State game in 2005 - the coaches are screwing it up.


4- Dennis Green after the Arizona/Chicago Monday Night game in 2006. If you want to crown them...


5- Ron Cherry making a call in the 2007 UMD/NCSU game - He was giving him the business.


6-The Beavis and Butthead Christmas Special


7- The video for Express Yourself - when she's crawling around like a cat...Good God. It's too much. I can barely watch it, it's too good. As good as 7 and Fight Club are - this is by far David Fincher's best work. By far.


8- Jon Lovitz as Hanukkah Harry.


9- The Barry Gibb Talk Show with Jimmy Fallon and Justin Timberlake.


10- Eddie Murphy in James Brown Hot Tub.


11- The Martin Lawrence Monologue from SNL in 1993 where he talks about the importance of douching. It's hard to find because Lorne Michaels edited it out in all repeats.


12- A Clockwork Orange


13- Rushmore


14- Lost In Translation


15- The Tropic of Thunder


16- Earle Bruce speak


17- Tony Dorsett against the Vikings on Jan 3, 1983.


18- The Bellaire Blur's 89 yard punt return against the Giants on Nov 5, 1995. I would advise not watching this and the Madonna video back-to-back. You will die of a heart attack.


19- John Wallace against Georgia - NCAA Tournament 1996.


20- Tyus Edny against Missouri - NCAA Tournament 1995.


21- U2


22- Paul Westerberg


23- Paul McCartney


24- Annete Bening in The Grifters


25- Wynona Rider in Reality Bites


26- Phoebe Cates in anything from the early 80s


27- Nastassja Kinski also in anything from the early 80s





OK.





I was at the Turquoise Terrapin recently and Bobby Nyk was there and he was drinking lots of shots of tequila - which is fine, but he wanders over to the table and he says "You guys must be law students." Now all we did was answer some stupid trivia question correctly- I don't even remember what it was exactly. Maybe something with the constitution??? Anyway, my buddy Danny knew it pretty quickly, whatever it was. So I said to Bobby Nyk in reply "I've spent a lot of time in prison for numerous felonies, but I've never been in law school." He was kind of toasty and said "for what?" I said "Non-payment of child support." He's not around anymore, but you can hear him shouting the theme to MNF (dun dun dun da) all the way from Howard the Duck County. And the one for the money...





I was sitting at a bar outside a hospital last night with my buddy Ross and there was a guy talking about ham sandwiches. I said to the guy "You like Black Forest?" The guy says " Yeah, I'm okay with people of color." Ross said "What a fucking moron."

I remember the night the kid cut off his right arm
In a fit to save a bit of power
He got fifty thousand watts
In a big acoustic tower

The Angry Guy With The Hair

There was a guy I met and he looked like a freak - like a cross between Emo Phillips and Carrot Top. So I was trying to get this guy to ignore me by saying things to him like "Please ignore me." And "I'm embarrassed to even be in the same place as you." This went on for a few minutes. He was mainly talking about Al Gore and global warming. I don't know anything about global warming - although I'm all for it of course. I was very close to throwing a twenty on the bar and walking out, but then he said something that I'll always remember. He said "The earth would be cooler if Al Gore didn't have the election stolen from him by James Baker." And that really struck a nerve with me, because I'll defend James Baker to the death. But you have to be in the mood for stuff like that, and I wasn't at the time. So I just asked him "How much cooler would it be right now if Al Gore was president?" He claimed it would be 7-10 degrees cooler. Now, it was like 44 degrees at the time and it was mid-March at about 11:30 at night. I ordered another Scotch. Then I lit a cigarette. Then I said to this guy, and I really said it loudly "You smell really bad." And he did. I'm not making that up. Hippies smell.

I was in line at a bookstore recently. I wasn't actually buying a book or anything. I don't read and am fairly illiterate - obviously. So I was buying a book for someone I know who does read. They have way too many choices at bookstores. I often ask folks who work in them if they ever consider just having one book available - it would make life so much easier. And they always look at me like I'm terrifyingly crazy. They also look at me like that when I ask if they carry Chicken Soup for the Convict Soul. Anyway, I finally got called to go up to a register and pay for this book - the book was called Raise High The Roof Beam Carpenters (and I don't think it had anything to do with that anorexic singer). The girl working the register gave me this look. The look was like - don't you remember who I am? And I never remember who anyone is. I am very self-centered and some would argue grossly narcissistic. So her name badge says Katherine and she's not totally unfetching, but I couldn't place her from anywhere. So she commented on the book I was buying and said "I'm surprised you'd read Salinger." I said "Don't worry, I'm not gonna read it myself." She then said "Oh. Have you ever read A Perfect Day for Banana Fish?" I had no idea what she was talking about. I said "No, but I see more glass." This seemed to irritate her to no end. She let it drop after a few seconds. Then "you used to supervise me - a few years ago at The Old Measuring Stick. Remember?" Now, I've never supervised anybody. I hate people and no decent workplace would ever ask me to supervise others. I said "Oh yeah, you're the girl who likes to read and look all shy all the time." I don't think she appreciated that much. She said "I always thought you were the best boss I ever had." I said "Of course I was. Could there be any doubt?"

I was talking to my boss one time and the conversation was pretty pointless and boring. Then she said "You just seem so indifferent to your work." I said "Please don't mistake my indifference for anything other than indifference."

I was smoking a cigarette in the middle of a non-smoking place of business - it was a restaurant called Gloomy Daze and this woman with attitude came up to me and said "Would you go outside with that?" I replied "OK." By the way, don't ever eat the food there. You will puke. The only upside is that after you puke the food looks better than it did when they served it. A lot better. My buddy Geilfuss used to work there and he told me that lots of people enjoyed the food and ambiance in the restaurant. When I asked him why he said "We get a lot of retards in here." I said "Dude that is really uncool." He said "What?" I said "Using the word retards in a pejorative way like that." Geilfuss just went back to the kitchen to bring more awful food out. I think he was mumbling something about Kelly Gregg or Kobe Bryant - you can never be sure with Geilfuss. As far as Gloomy Daze is concerned, I still go in there from time to time to soak up the stench of desperation and overpriced ribs - not to mention the college football. They do put any game on that I ask for. One time I really needed to see a game between San Jose State and the Idaho Vandals and I was the only person there who remotely cared and they put it on the projection screen for me (the Spartans covered, barely.)

I know in my previous post to this blog, I mentioned Thanksgiving and boy did I get a negative reaction to that. I never knew people were so touchy about stuff like that. The ironic thing is, that while readers to this blog were being offended by that stuff - I was eating stuffing. And it was pretty damn good.

Last week, I was at the Food Slug and debating between two brands of coffee creamer - I think they were Pumpkin Spice and Peppermint Twist. So I'm really thinking about which one to purchase. Then I decided to get both.

I was at a bar the night before Thanksgiving called Get Bent Lounge - you can find me there from time to time - and Paulie was deejaying and there were a million kids between 21 and 24 in there. So he starts playing these songs from the 70s that no one knows or wants to hear - except Surrender by that band with Robin Zander. So Paulie fires up Southern Cross by the Stephen Stills Band and people just went berserk - and not in a good way. Creech was stumbling around talking about doing fat chicks at this time and he was pretty drunk. So he said to me "What the hell is this song?" I said "It's about a guy on a boat looking to the skies to guide him to the hottest fat chicks in the southern hemisphere." Then Ross comes up and says "What the fuck is wrong with that idiot?" I said "Which one?" He wasn't sure and rarely is. So I turned my attention back to Creech, but he had wandered out. I saw him again later. I think he went home alone. It was all Paulie's fault. I did go up to Paulie later and said "Could you play the Chris Bridges for me?" He did. It was pretty cool.

At trivia a few weeks ago there was a picture of Patty Sheehan and I thought it was of a dude. My buddy Andy said "Didn't you account for the breasts?" I said "It looked like a guy who needed a mansier." Andy said "You have a point there."

P.S. -I'm arranging a meeting with Sarah Horseface (turns out she might be Native American - I'm not sure, but if the name is anything like those names in that awfully long movie directed by the guy who got totally cut out of The Big Chill - except his wrist - she may literally have a horse face). I got a little worked up over being made fun of and ridiculed by the Obama people a few weeks ago; so I called over there and asked for Horse Face by name and she did come to the phone after I mentioned that Mr. Hawaii was ringing her up. It was hard to pick up her accent exactly, but she sounded like she might be from a tribe in the Dakotas or some Eurotrash chick - it's hard to guess. I explained how dismayed I was that my suggestions for change were dismissed as right-wing mockery of Obama. She kind of half-believed me, I'm not sure. Anyway, I was real suave on the phone with her. I gave her some of my top A material. But not too much because - she may have a horse face - so...Anyway, I am supposed to meet her for a while to talk about change and chope here soon at some place on Division St. in Chicago. I may not turn up though - the whole thing probably won't go well at all. I'll let you know how it goes if I show. I'm really worried that she might not bathe that often. That's gross. If she smells and has a horse face, then I might be suicidal...

The Thanks of the Giving

I was at a horrible place last night - something called the Slovenly Grill. So this trivia game breaks out and I'm sitting there and this question comes up about the largest rodents in North America and Geilfuss says "What about those giant rats in The Princess Bride?" I said "What about them?"

Thanksgiving is something I have a pretty poor understanding of. I know it started back in the day when Chris Columbus had Pocahontas over for a day of highly flatulent sexual escapades. I mean that's what they told us in 1st grade anyway. But the givers never get enough credit and I think the intent of the holiday is to thank the givers - at least the intent of whoever made it a national holiday (which is probably one of the three kings - Richard Petty, Elvis, or Budweiser). So I think that's admirable as hell. But somewhere along the way thanking the givers got perverted and it's become all about the people who do the giving giving thanks to themselves because the takers won't do it. This is why the Detroit Lions have never won or even been in the Super Bowl - they throw a football game every year as a way to say thanks to themselves. We've got to get away from this. Maybe Obama will fix this problem next year after he parts the Red Sea to stick it to Edward G. Robinson.

I woman came up to me at work a number of years ago on the day before Thanksgiving and I was minding my own business in the break room and she said "Are you doing anything special for the holiday?" I must have been out of it because I broke down and told her my Thanksgiving ritual "I spend the day eating potted meat, drinking 40s, and sitting in the dark listening to Molly Hatchet at deafening levels." She said "Oh, you poor thing. Bless your heart (ladies will say bless your heart in the south so they don't have to call you a fucking loser to your face)." I said back to her "I can't talk anymore. I gotta take a dump." Then I overheard a guy I worked with named Tod Cannon say "Don't mind him, he's very scatological." Which is pretty true. I talk about bodily functions constantly. All of them. I'll wonder aloud at lunch something like "Do you think that lady over there has yeast infections that are runny like cottage cheese?"

I remember one Thanksgiving when I was about 10 and I was sitting at the orphanage about 5 pm trying to think of a way to get this one nurse to give me a special examination. She was pretty hot and I didn't have many options on Thanksgiving anyway. I would go into her office several times a week complaining of soreness some place or other - some place where she would have to ask me to take off my pants. Anyway, while I was sitting there that day I noticed on the TV there was a movie about a crazy angel named Clarence and this other guy named Uncle Billy. It seemed pretty old. Well there's a part of that movie where a tall guy (I think he read funny limericks on the Johnny Carson Show) jumps off a bridge into a river. I really took something from that. I realized that if things are looking bleak, all you have to do is jump off a bridge and into a river. If you do that, an angel will save you, people will bring tons of cash to your house, Sam Wainwright will give you an unlimited line of credit, and you'll be married to Donna Reed.

I ate a turkey sandwich one time.

I liked Virginia Tech better when their name was The Gobblers.

I might stop into Get Bent Lounge this evening. If anyone asks - I'm dead or in rehab.

Sound the bell, School's in sucker! I told you homeboy!

Letter from Horse Face

Ok - So here is the letter I got back from the Transition for Change Team - I can't quite decide how to read it.

Dear Mr. Hawaii,

Thanks for your asinine suggestions. It's jerks like you who are holding this country back. Several colleagues and I spent about half an hour laughing at the sheer waste of time you spent with such a pointless letter.

Sincerely,

Sarah Horseface

Communications Liaison to Crackpots, Losers, and the Unwashed Masses for President Erect Obama

First of all, I'm a little worried they aren't taking me seriously - smart girls never seem to - and this Miss Horseface seems like she's pretty smart. She uses the word asinine correctly in a sentence. And she is a liaison.

Second, I don't feel like my ideas are welcome in this new era of change. I feel left behind - like those people in those books about events that happen in that last book of the Bible. I haven't read the books, but I was flipping around TV one night several years ago and the guy who played Carol Seaver's brother on that show with Joanna Kearns was in a movie based on these books. It was riveting. I watched a good 45 seconds of it. I think he was better in that episode of the TV show where he has a thing for the actress from Diff'rent Strokes, who, as I vividly recall, was dressed like Madonna in the Like a Virgin video (more or less). There were no lions or gondolas however.

Lastly, I don't want to give up on change yet. But - it has been three weeks since the election and I'm running out of patience with waiting for change. It's taking too long.

Maybe this Horseface character looks like Vivian Ward from the movie about the hooker with a heart of gold (although she sings Prince and not Neil Young in that bathtub scene - which is weird - maybe she should have been called the hooker with a Raspberry Beret). I might seek out Miss Horseface for a face-to-face meeting. I might do that soon. I need to think about it. I bet she lives in Chicago. I have a way of convincing people to disregard my opinion entirely when I can talk with them one-on-one. I never won a debate in school, and I wasn't even on the debate team.

I was busy doing something close 2 nothing

But different that the day before

That's when I saw her, ooh, I saw her

She walked in through the out door, out door

Don't Touch Me In Church

I was sitting in church recently and the guy giving the lecture was going on at some length about how important it is to treat your neighbor as your enemy or maybe it was backward from that - I forget. Anyway, he doesn't know my neighbors. So, I like to sneak into the service just after the kick-off. That way I can pick an empty row near the back and am more likely to be left alone to my thoughts. So I'm sitting there listening to the guy talk and thinking about my place in this world and then some woman comes in and decides to sit right next to me. Well, she smelled of bourbon and pall malls and was wearing a mini-skirt with no stockings. I'm kind of boxed in as she is sitting on the aisle, so I don't want to make a big stink and move past her to get out of there while the class is still in session. About 10 minutes go by and I'm starting to get very jittery. I probably looked agitated. I was agitated. Then this lady leans over and whispers in my ear - "You seem uncomfortable. Let me calm you down baby." I said "No thanks Miss. I need some air is all." Then she did something so shocking and inappropriate that I'm almost tempted not to mention it. She touched my shoulder with her right hand and my thigh with her left. Then she leaned in really close, too close, and she whispered "Did you vote for Obama?"


A guy came up to me over the weekend and started talking about John Mclane and he seemed pretty drunk or not very bright - but I hope drunk. He kept going on about how Mclane really erred by picking that lady who looks like Tina Fey. I was pretty nice to him. What I did is kept mentioning how I liked Die Harder more than Die Hard. I don't think we ever quite got on the same page. Then my buddy Ross comes up and says "Who the fuck is this idiot?"

I was checking out at the CVS the other day. I was buying peanuts, Gatorade, Percoset, and Marlboro's. So the lady working the cash register asks if I have a CVS card. I said - "You know it's funny you should ask that, because I applied for one last month and I'm not sure what the requirements are exactly but they turned me down." She said "They shouldn't have. There must be a mistake." I said "I was pretty hurt by the whole affair and would prefer not to think about it any longer."

I was at a horrible place on Saturday where they were selling something called Buckeye Beer for $2. Now there were several football games on at the time and I was kind of out of it. I'm not sure what a buckeye is but the beer was red. The poor bartender had red hands. So I asked her "What are you putting in the beers to make them red?" She said "Red Dye 40." I said "Line 'em up." So then all these people came in from out on the patio wearing red jerseys with the number 28 or 45 or 33 or 7 or 10. They all ordered Buckeye Beer at $2 a pint. They saw I was having one myself and one big guy in a #45 jersey said "Hey, why don't you come out to the patio and watch the game with us?" I said "Who's playing?" He looked a little frazzled by that. Then he said "The Buckeyes man. OH-IO." I said "No man. I'm good. I'm watching the Ohio State-Michigan game myself." He said "Asshole." I went outside to smoke. I saw the same crowd after the game ended. They looked really self-satisfied. They were lousy tippers though. The poor bartender had completely red, possibly toxic hands from making those beers red. Turns out they were Budweiser. I left, went home, and threw up. It was an okay afternoon.

I was sitting at a Sushi place and my buddy Geilfuss farted.

I did receive a short note over the weekend from some chick claiming to be part of the Obama transition team. I'll post it soon.

It beats picking cotton and waiting to be forgotten.

Chope

Note -Chope is defined as the combination of change and hope.

I was sitting in a dark bar last Saturday night at about 1:45 and there was a big, I mean Beck-worthy big, girl who leaned over to me and said "You look depressed." I said "You look despicable." But she didn't hear me I guess. Someone (I think it was a very nice guy with cerebral palsy or maybe it was a really ugly woman with horrific breath) was singing Enter Sandman for karaoke night. So I took a big gulp of indiscriminate lite beer, and was going to leave. But then this behemoth says "Have you been drinking all night?" I said "Chope." She said "Huh?" So I said "Chope." Then I drank the last of my beer and walked away. I did hear her say as the music died down between songs, and as I was about 15 feet away, "I feel bad for him. I wanted to tell him that things will be better when Obama is president."



I was out at a place called Charred Pork Bucket, enjoying some kind of shrimp on some kind of bread (I don't think it was pita bread or anything else that Greek people fondle) and I saw a guy watching MSNBC with the sound off (they were playing awful songs from the Jukebox - like Journey and Kansas). I believe he was watching the show hosted by the guy who used to work with the guy who always said "En Fuego." So I said pretty loudly "Chope," then waited about 10 seconds and yelled "Chope." And then an old drunk said "Who gives a fuck?" I don't think his query was directed at me. But this old dude was onto something. Or so I thought. I went over to him and was going to ask him something about growing up when people cared. But as I stood next to him I noticed he had passed out. So I just said "Chope" again and got as depressed as Bill Clinton when he is in bed with his wife. Not that she would be all happy on those rare occasions herself. I'm not saying that at all. I imagine she has a drawer full of toys and probably Lanny Davis on speed dial to "administrate" them. Yuck.
If you read the Starr Report, you - well, you don't want to read the Starr Report - you'll never want to walk into a humidor again.
Moving on ---

I was sitting at a trivia game and a question comes up about the name for a male dove. My buddy Andy says to me - "Cock?"
I said "Dude, what are you talking about?"
He said - "Do you like cock?"
"Dude"
"For the answer"
"Oh"
He was on the floor laughing. It was an excellent example of how chope is really making a difference in our everyday lives. It really was. Andy knows about that stuff. I think he watched a lot of Big Bird. I always thought Big Bird was a dirty whore. Did you ever see the length of the trunk on that imaginary elephant/woolly mammoth-type thing? Wow - call Lanny Davis and lube up Hillary...Wait - No.

I hope to hear back from my pen pal or one of his top people soon on the suggestions I sent him and shared with you in the previous post. I'll pass along the reply.
Look -I gotta go, I'm runnin' out of change, there's a lot of things, if I could I'd rearrange.

TBFH

The Change I'd Like To See

I saw recently that minions working for the almost President Obama had put up a website where folks were encouraged to write in and offer up suggestions for the kinds of changes they would like to see once the world flips and up is down, black is white, he says goodbye when he shows up and hello when he leaves, in other words - after the messiah takes office. So, I went to the website and wrote an impassioned plea into cyberspace and wanted to share my ideas with others - so I'm posting the letter I wrote here. And I remind you that this is a verbatim replica (I wanted to call it a memento - but that's not as stupid as saying replica) of the words that I put on the thing that I wrote to the guy on the website that he created to make insignificant people feel important for a fleeting and entirely pointlessly wasted moment.
Dear BHO,
I like how your initials are similar to the the initials used by the TV channel that carries those Real Sex documentaries/Fraggle Rock/and Dream on - that is very cool. I'm sure you're getting millions of suggestions for all the change so many of us have been aching for after all these years of non-change, of stagnation, of even back-sliding if you will. But I hope (with some audacity???) that you will entertain my ideas seriously - as I've spent several minutes racking my brain over this.
#1 - Education - Forget Every Child Left Behind. That's not gonna cut it. I feel like the main problem that keeps people from having the kind of job they want is the lack of a college degree. I see many ads online and even in the Sunday paper that sound like jobs I would be really good at (mostly management positions - I work so well directing others), but I can't even get an interview for those positions. Why? I don't have a degree from an institution of higher learning. So my suggestion is to send out a degree to everyone who wants one. This would be cheap - no one would actually have to go the trouble or expense of going to classes or taking tests or writing papers. You just give us a degree - viola! Problem solved!!! I can get the kind of job I've worked so hard for and deserve. It doesn't even have to be from Columbia or Harvard or that school in New Jersey that your wife attended. It could be from a second rate school like Michigan or an SEC school even (maybe not Miss State or Arkansas or the school that serpent-headed Jimmy Carville is always touting).
#2 - Money - I like your idea of giving the common man a tax break. I make so little right now that I virtually pay no federal income tax - but with my new management position (see idea #1), I will be burdened with having to pay taxes (like is referenced in that song by that guy who learned to play sitar from Ravi Shankar) . So, my idea is to quit taking any money out of any paychecks for taxes. That way all the rich people who pay all the taxes under your rule (dominion???) would have to actually write a check every April to the IRS. Stick it to them! Rub it in! That would be a benefit right there - just knowing how the rich people are not happy anymore and they won't look like they are having a good time at places like Applebee's and Outback every time you see them. But also, I would get to keep all the money I earned paycheck to paycheck instead of waiting for the IRS to send me a "refund" every year (I always wondered who coined that euphemistic term anyway - how is it a refund??? It's my money - the IRS has just been holding it.)
#3 - Switching Places - Ok. I think one of the things you have really tapped into is how divided we are in the USA. You are going to bring us all together and that is so awesome. But how? I have an idea for this. We can't come together until we really understand how the other people are living - we need the rich suburb people ( like in the movie with TomHanks and that crazy Bruce Dern) to understand folks in the cities and vice-versa. My idea is to have a week where both sides switch places. We literally (laterally???) move into the houses of the other side. I could finally understand what it's like to have no worries - just mow my yard and watch the kids frolic on a Slip N Slide. Whereas the suburb types would know about bad plumbing, smells, the Roto Rooter Man, and staying one step ahead of the bookie. Then we could all be on the same empathetic (not pathetic) wave (note: this is where I thought about putting a Katrina and the Waves reference in, but there was a hurricane a few years ago with a name similar to or exactly the same as Katrina) with each other. This might be hard logistically - I admit that - but the change that would happen as an outcome would be transformational. Plus I might eat at Chili's one night (and see Micheal Scott give out some Dundie awards while Jim and Pam look on in utter horror).
#4 - Religion - I don't go to church but it seems to me that we have too much tension in the world because many people do go to church - and as far as I can discern, the different churches are saying different things about the same topics. So, maybe we could either make everyone go to the same church or even better, shut them all down. Men would like that especially because they'd never have to worry about missing 1 o'clock kick-off on Sunday (also they need to split more kick-off times between 1 and 4 on Sunday - I get dizzy from monitoring up to 10 games at once).
#5 - Guns - They should be mandatory for every person! It would create quite a bit of work for the government to monitor this, but if we could be certain that every person is armed at all times, then crime would drop precipitously. Plus arguments would be more civil (war would also likely be more civil). I guarantee it. I want a one of those Dirty Harry guns - You feel lucky punk? or You lookin at me? or Who's zoomin who? Or sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me, sock it to me. Or I want your socks (like a George Michael tune but cleaner! - Maybe we could go straight to the Edge Of Heaven with this idea!!!)
Those are just a few of my ideas. I have more and I will write you back soon.
Your buddy,
The Audacious - TBFH
P.S. - If it's a temporary lull - why am I bored right out of my skull?
Also - If man is 5, if man is 5, if man is 5, then the devil is 6, the devil is six, the devil is 6, and if the devil is 6, then God is 7, God is 7, God is 7 - this monkey's gone to heaven.

So, let me know how seriously you think Mr. Obama will take my missive. And who am I? why am I here? I come not to praise James Stockdale, but to rebury his rotting corpse.