Your Own Personal Bea Arthur

Somebody claimed that Bea Arthur is dead. And I didn't realize that Bea Arthur was even alive (if that makes sense). But it reminds me of one of the best ways to mess with music lyrics. And that is: in Personal Jesus by Depeche Mode, replace the word Jesus with Bea Arthur (Your own personal Bea Arthur, someone to hear your prayers, someone who cares...). It's pretty funny. And if you don't find that amusing I can't help you.

Out last night watching the hoops and playing the silly trivia - played 2 big games and won one and 2nd in the other. Anyway I was at that dive bar for awhile and a guy sitting next to me starts chiming in his thoughts on the answers. And it turned out he was pretty knowledgeable about science and geography (2 of my weaker categories). So, I got the prize at the end ($70) and tried to give the guy half, but he wouldn't take it. It was nice to meet a regular person for once. I have no idea why the guy would spend any time at all in that awful dive bar. He was way too good a person for that crowd, and for me of course. I'm terrible. He had to put up with me screaming for the Bulls for about an hour and that had to be annoying (they covered and thank you again Ben Gordon). Later the Mavs just embarrassed the Spurs (which everyone should have seen coming) and I think the Spurs need to really retool about half their roster. They looked old and slow on the Mavs ball movement throughout the series. It was pretty sad. I have a soft spot for the Spurs, they've come through for me big over the years (especially 2 years ago in the finals against the Cavs - made a killing on that series, well, dug out of a sizable hole anyway).

Geilfuss was going on about his all time NBA team on his blog, including 6th man and his picks were fine. He and Pat were evidently bored at the bar the other night (probably because I wasn't there to entertain everyone) and were making up stuff to pass the time and came up with the idea. And here would be my lineup - 1st team: Isiah Thomas, Kobe Bryant, John Havlicek, Dennis Rodman, Moses Malone, 6th man is Dell Curry. 2nd team: Chris Paul, George Gervin, Julius Erving, Bill Laimbeer, Hakeem Olajuwon, 6th man is Dale Ellis.

I see where Barack Hussein Obama is holding a news conference this evening and I won't be watching, but I do think it is time for another edition of If I Could Ask Barry. And it might go a little something like this -

Barry - You back again my young friend? I thought you'd been banned from these things.

TBFH- No sir. My parole agreement only applies to staying more than 1,000 feet away from any school - not from the White House.

Barry- Fair enough brother. Whatcha got for me today?

TBFH - Well sir, I wanted to ask you about this whole thing with stimulating packages. It seems like about $800 billion is a lot of money to spend on boner medications for aging boomers. Doesn't it?

Barry- You have an excellent point there kid. It is a lot. Let me explain my reasoning for the $800 billion. If all the guys having trouble getting it up can be helped by drugs like Viagra and even the fake drugs like Enzyte, then my thought is that they will be in better moods and spend more of their money on things like dinners with young skanks and lingerie for young skanks, really the idea is to get these guys packages stimulated to get them to stimulate various sectors of our economy that are vital to our economic well being. I'm not certain it will work. I admit that. But, we have to wait and see and hope - Hope that all the increased boomer boners turn everything around.

TBFH - Isn't that a little gross? I mean I know old dudes want to get it up and nail women and all, but do we want to see guys walking around all day with stiffies who can't find some gal to slip the old high hard one to?

Barry- That is an inevitable byproduct of this legislation, yes. And to be frank when I'm in a meeting with Joe Biden I make it a point to not look down. Because I think that man is loaded on boner drugs brother. Ya got me?

TBFH- Yeah dude. By the way, this pig flu thing - have you noticed more people walking around oinking as a result?

Barry- It's funny you should mention that, because I caught my wife oinking last night. Although between you and me, it kinda turned me on. Ya dig?

TBFH -No sir. Not at all. I have seen girls with pig faces and there is nothing enticing about them.

Barry - You have a point brother. My advice is this, and I want to be clear on this, because pig-faced girls need to get nailed too. So my advice to all the men out there, and especially my white friends, is to put a bag over a chick's head if she has a pig face and go to work. That work for you, my young friend?

TBFH- Dude, I'm taking off. I gotta pick up my dry cleaning.

Barry- Peace to you my son.

Oh, one last update on that Fleetwood Mac backstage pass situation. The concert was last night and old Fran never came through for me. Not that I'm all that surprised...I just wish she'd never said anything in the 1st place.

We make decisions

That's what we do

That's what we do

The Pig Flu Is Coming!

NFL Draft coverage is pretty much overkill and pointless. The draft itself is obviously very important to all the teams, but the hype is ridiculous. You'd think Mark "Dirty" Sanchez was the greatest QB in the history of football based on the ESPN hype machine. The other thing about the draft is this - while it is really popular with fans, the fans themselves tend not to be the most knowledgeable when it comes to college football. Most folks in most NFL cities don't follow college football closely - some exceptions are the ATL, Dallas, Houston, Cleveland, and maybe Jacksonville. But even those fans in those cities don't follow all the teams all the time. And there isn't any reason that they should by the way. But, the problem is these fans think they know something about the players being drafted and try to talk intelligently about them - even though most of them never saw a game the particular kid played. Granted, casual fans watch USC, Georgia, TOSU, Texas, Oklahoma, Bama, LSU, Florida, and maybe a few other teams more than twice during a season. So they might have some vague idea how Beanie Wells can high jump defenders or how Matthew Stafford throws the deep out. But they don't know much, if anything, about, say, Josh Freeman for example. And I hear people trying to talk about Josh Freeman like they followed K State closely, which is crap. You didn't and you didn't see Baylor or N. Illinois, or dozens and dozens of other schools. So, quit pretending you know anything about players from about 100 of the 118 or 119 D1 programs, because you don't. And that's OK, the only people who should follow all the teams closely are Pro Scouts, the football media guys, and degenerate gamblers (not unlike myself). I watch at least 12 hours of college football every Saturday and I watch it as closely as possible and even with that being the case, I didn't know a lot about over 50% of the players taken in the draft. And I dare say, I know about 100 or 200 times more about the players in college football than the average NFL fan. I have no idea why people try and pretend to their friends that they know remotely anything about most of these players. They are just spitting back what some Draft Guru has said. So, for all the pretend college football experts out there - please stop it. It's like the idiots who booed Donovan McNabb in 1999. They had no idea. Sorry for the rant, but this is something that has bugged me for like 18 years or something.

It looks like Barack Hussein Obama is very popular with the American people so far. And that isn't too surprising or it shouldn't be anyway. Most of the great masses of morons who follow the guy blindly have no idea what he's doing and that's cool - I have no problem with the masses of morons who pay little to no attention to anything beyond porn, food, sports, celebrity gossip, and their own little world. You can't blame people for that. So, given that a vast majority of people who are into old Barry's "accomplishments" so far, are utterly clueless, I'd take it with a grain of salt. The one definitely positive thing that I do give old Barry credit for is that he makes people optimistic and he's highly likable to the unwashed masses. If John McCain had won, all these people would be so down in the dumps and terrified, it would be a catastrophe. And it's much better to have folks feeling optimistic, rather than pessimistic. Now, of course their optimism is mostly unfounded and their love of old Barry bordering on messianic, but given the alternative, that's not all bad right now. The other thing in this poll that jumps out at me is that old Barry has not managed to bring the people who voted against him into his tent. The opposite has happened actually. It seems instead of uniting the country, he's making the divisiveness worse (and who would have thought that except me?). In fact, old Barry is more polarizing than old W somehow. The folks who don't like him, really despise him for some reason. As I've said before, I have zero personal issues with old Barry. He may be a wonderful guy (although I highly doubt it). It's irrelevant to me. But a lot of folks way out near my side of the political spectrum, they really have issues with Barry on a gut-level. It never made any sense to me to hate anyone I haven't known personally and thus, you know, had a reason to hate. But so many people have spent so much time and energy the last 17 years hating William Jefferson Blythe, or old W, and now Barack Hussien Obama. It's gotta be a sad existence. I met so many people who despised, literally despised, old W over the past 9 and 1/2 years. And it got in their skin I guess. Their whole lives revolved around how old W had wronged them and this intense hatred festered in them and made them miserable to be around. And that is so sad and pitiful and pitiable. Jesus, it's only the president. He's just some guy.

I did see where old Barry is making quite a name for himself with this pig flu thing. I don't know anything about it. But Barry is out telling folks that it is no big deal. He said "Chill" or something. And old Barry probably eats chitlins with the best of them - I bet he's been to his share of pig pickins over the years and probably picked up a little pig loving trim at these events as well. And I wonder if you can get this pig flu from eating bacon, because if you can then I'm in big trouble. In fact, I think I'm getting warmer as I type here. I'm starting to get wooooozzzzyyyy. Please call old Barry and tell him to stop manipulating the pig loving trim long enough to send the CDC over here. HEEELLLPPPP!!!

I was watching the TV over the weekend and this thing came on called The Shamwow. And that guy is a tool - "Are you keeping up with me cameraman?" Ridiculous. And when he claims that one Shamwow will absorb like 10 gallons of chewing tobacco spit in one pass over the spit, I am amazed!!! I am amazed anyone would buy the crap. Except pig loving trim who worship Barack Hussien Obama and claim to have seen every game Jeremy Maclin ever played. Those folks - it makes perfect sense that they'd buy a Shamwow - perfect sense.

PS - I will admit that when I was a kid, I was scared to death by Porky Pig. The reason is that I never could understand why he didn't wear any pants. He wore a bow tie and a coat - but NO PANTS. And I could never find one adult who could explain the reason to me. And I still have no idea. Why wouldn't he wear pants??? And also, where is his member??? It's really disturbing.

Old Barry Gives A Straight Answer

I am gonna start new feature on this blog and it is called - If I Could Ask Barry. The premise being, that it seems to me the press is not really asking old Barry any tough questions when given the opportunity. Now, that's cool. They don't have to ask him anything they don't want to. They have every right to support and be in awe of him and bow and worship and blah, blah, blah. I don't begrudge the press that. He's their guy. But it would be nice, or at least slightly informative, if somebody asked him something pointed from time to time. And since I'm not a reporter, and would never be a reporter, and am unhireable(?) for such a job, the best I can do is imagine how a question and answer session with old Barry would go if I were given the chance. And it might go something like this -

Barry - Yeah, you, the white kid. Fire away my man.

TBFH - Thanks dude. I was curious about the cap and trade policy you and the democrat party are pursuing. Isn't it likely that such a policy would be an added burden on energy consumers that would double or perhaps more than double many folks monthly energy bills? Wouldn't the costs associated with this cap and trade thing be passed right along to poor and middle class folks in various other ways as well, as big energy users pass costs down the line to the little guy?

Barry - Yes. The little guy would ultimately be screwed by this cap and trade policy in an economic sense. But, the economy is not a big problem any longer. I fixed it already. It's just a matter of time before everyone can afford to pay exorbitant energy costs. Trust me, my young friend, the benefit to the environment and the jobs created by pursuing such a radical energy policy are a "hope for" at best. I admit that. We're a little out on a limb here. But, it might work. And as long as we hope for it to work, then we're good. Hope is really the key. The results aren't always as important as hoping for the results. As long as we keep hoping, then our magnificent journey as a people will be fruitful. You got me there? Thanks for the question. I really enjoyed giving a straight answer.

TBFH - Follow up bro. How long do you think Ozzie should stick with Contreras if he continues to stink up the park on a regular basis?

Barry - Great follow up. Now that's an issue for Ozzie to work out. I won't presume to tell Ozzie how to run his pitching staff. Ozzie won the World Series back in 05- he's much more accomplished than I am. Me, I hope Contreras can get his issues turned around. But I'm just a fan. Like you I presume. You must follow the Sox?

TBFH -Not a chance in hell sir.

Barry- Who you pull for brother?

TBFH - The fucking Mormons sir.

Barry - You down with the Salt Lake Bees?

TBFH - You know it dude. Look I'd love to continue this, but I gotta run. I need to return some videos to Blockbuster. I'm out.

Barry - Peace my son.

I was out last night, back at Henry Hudson Grille and the guy running the trivia was terrible. Since the Hawks were playing (badly) at the same time as the trivia game, he decided that between questions he would put the TNT broadcast on the sound system. And the trivia game took forever as a result. Like over 2 hours. It sucked. At least they had the Reds game on and let me tell you this - Johnny Cueto was fucking dealing.

Another good night with the hoops picks. 2-1. I missed on the total in the Hawks/Heat affair. Who woulda thought the Heat would make 15 of 26 from 3? Crazy. But the under in the Magic/Sixer game was never in doubt and the Nuggets coasted to an easy 15 pt. win. 3 big games coming up this evening. Huge.

Geilfuss texted me about being in some store where he's the only person not speaking the old Espanol. And it reminded me of a time I was in a dive bar in a rural part of NC. And I was the only person not speaking the old Spanish myself. But I was really giving it an effort. I kept saying "Mas cerveza." And they kept bringing me something called Modelo (it's very popular in Mexico evidently). And a few hours pass and I'm hanging with these dudes and we're watching some soccer club called Santos play. And I think these Mexican dudes were impressed with my knowledge of futbol because, even though they could only understand probably 30% of what I was saying, they kept saying things like "You wanna shot o tequila bro?" And I had a few with these guys. And I stuck around and hung out with these guys for a few more hours and then these Hispanic chicks started showing up and I was feeling it because of the tequila. And these Hispanic chicks were not shy. Now when I see them out at their jobs and stuff they are generally pretty meek and seem like hard-workers, but they are pretty much deferential around white folks for some reason. However, when they were hanging out with other Hispanic folks they were a lot more open and way more fun. And these Hispanic chicks got wild. Two of them came up to me and I couldn't understand what they were saying - but I sure know what they had in mind. The only phrase I remotely understood - and it was crucial I understood it, was this - Dirty Sanchez. And fortunately for me, I was hammered, because things got way out of hand...

So lonely. So lonely. So lonely.

Teaching Tampon Techniques To Tweens

I was sitting at Dumb Woody's Tavern last night, right after 8:30, and I had just turned the answer in for the 1st trivia question of the game. As I was sitting back down at the bar, a guy asked if I wanted to play as a team. And this guy had a foreign accent- he was short and swarthy (I've been running into tons of Europeans here in the ATL for some reason), so I was guessing he was Italian or French - maybe neither. I never asked him. Anyway, I said "No thanks man. I'd prefer to just play as a team of one. No offense." And I really didn't mean any at all. And this European guy says "Why you no wanna play the game with me? Two heads be better than one. No?" And I said, "I've won 3 of the past 4 weeks by myself. Why would I wanna change?" And I shook the guy's hand (which I'm not a great fan of touching people) and said "Look, I'm not trying to be a dick or anything. Good luck to you. I hope you beat me. OK?" And after the 2nd question (one a foreigner would have a very difficult time knowing - it had to do with Michael Buffer) he said this "You're horrible person. Typical American selfish attitude." And he really did say exactly that. I remember it clearly. And I was a little taken aback by what he said. But I said "You're right about me being a horrible person -100%, but the stuff about typical selfish American attitude I gotta disagree with. If anything the typical selfish American attitude (what I would call rugged individualism or maybe American exceptionalism) is now atypical. Most of these people in this bar right now are boring, tedious halfwits with nothing remotely interesting going on in their lives. They've got little more to look forward to then who the Falcons will draft this Saturday." And then he kind of mumbled "I no talking to you now." So I turned away and was watching the Cavs/Pistons game (thank you Cavs!!! - they covered by 1 pt). And then this swarthy European ups and leaves, shaking his head as he walked out. He left half a beer and I said to one of the bartenders something like "What was that guy's deal?" And the bartender said "Oh, he's nuts. Piece of shit. He comes in here sometimes and pisses people off." I said "OK, that makes sense." In a way, I wish he'd stayed for the trivia - I would have beaten him badly.

I got a text from Mary earlier about the latest with the book club she's helping run for the 10-12 years old girl set (I blogged about it back in Feb I think). Anyway, the latest undertaking for this book club is some illustrated tome that shows girls how to properly insert, and presumably extract, a tampon. Only Mary was a little worried that the lady running the book club was gonna actually show the proper technique herself. And there was a mix up - because apparently no one will actually be demonstrating how to insert and extract a tampon in front of a group of 10-12 year old girls. And my only question back to Mary when there was some doubt if there would be a live demonstration of tampon insertion followed by tampon extraction was - can you videotape it for me? And if they needed volunteers to do the tampon insertion part, all they'd have to do is wander into Get Bent Lounge any night of the week and there would be half a dozen Dream Teamers or Dream Teamesque skanks in there who would drop their jeans or raise their skirts at the drop of a hat to show anybody of any age just how they insert things in their holes.

Speaking of Get Bent Lounge, I get texts from Pat occasionally about gambling issues. And while Pat is one of my favorite people, he is a terrible texter. It takes me forever to figure out what he intended to type. Here is one I got 12 minutes ago - My luck stayed awax lart ntOwent out for my b dax. And eventually I figured out that he didn't bet the picks I sent out last night because he was celebrating his birthday (hopefully with his wife - she is a nice lady). And it's a shame he didn't because I was 3-0 on the night. All 3 covered within 2 pts of the number. So, whew!!! I was sweating it out at the end of each game. Gambling - it's not for the faint-hearted.

Oh, the big news is that I saw Smug Fatty last night again. Only this time I was on the other side of the bar - the side she and her man sit on. And I was sitting at a high top behind her. And when she got up once, I noticed a wet spot on her jeans. And the wet spot on her jeans was right in the crack of her enormous and really circular and really bulbous ass. And I was tempted to ask Smug Fatty about the origin(s) of this wet spot. But I didn't. After the confrontation with her husband or whatever he is last week, I laid low. He wasn't sitting right next to her last night. And I'm assuming I should get the credit for putting a strain on their ravenous and raging sex life. I bet she puts out often - all this dude would have to do is entice her with food. I bet it works like a charm. Probably a piece of crust or a packet of ketchup would do the trick. I doubt it takes much with Smug Fatty.

I saw something about Paul McCartney selling out a show in 7 seconds. And I saw him in concert in like 2002. And I would go again. He's 66 I think - and will turn 67 in June. But he puts on a helluva show. He really does. When he plays Hello Goodbye or Paperback Writer or Helter Skelter or Get Back or Let Me Roll It or Jet or Got To Get You Into My Life or We Can Work it Out or Lady Madonna or just about anything else, he rocks.

A lady came in the office a little bit ago with a question and she said "We're having some problems with _________." And I said "Aren't these the same problems you've been having for like 3 weeks now?" And she said "Kinda." And I said "Why do you keep asking me the same questions over and over?" And she didn't have a great answer for that. So, I helped her. I was patient. But maybe it's me? Could it be? Why isn't what I'm saying to this lady sinking in? Maybe it's because I have poor communication skills and lack the ability to properly convey the information to her in a lucid and easy to understand manner. But I don't think so. I really don't.

Was your father as bold as the sergeant major

How come he told you that you were hardly old enough yet

And Jet I thought the major was a lady suffragette

I could go on and on and on...

Creech Approaches Farm Girls At A Tiki Bar

I was reading some blog entry Geilfuss posted yesterday and the title was this - Boat's, Hoe's, and a Trip to the Country. And as I read the thing I never did come across a mention of farming or gardening - so I was baffled about the hoe part. Also, Geilfuss goes into some detail about Creech running around a tiki bar, dead drunk, with his jeans around his ankles (click here -http://itcouldbekobebryant.blogspot.com/). And I wondered if Creech finally nailed a fat chick - I remember him going on and on and on about it Thanksgiving Eve (I believe there is a post on this blog from like a week after Thanksgiving that details the conversation). And if these were country girls at this tiki bar, then maybe he finally did a fat chick. Or maybe all the big chicks at this tiki bar had just come in from farming and still had their hoes and other farming implements in their hands. Who knows? For the life of me, I can't figure out why Geilfuss would lure his readers in with the promise of blogging about farming tools, then merely mention Creech chasing loose women all around a tiki bar with his jeans around his ankles. Maybe there's something I'm not getting???

I also took a peek at TMQ on ESPN.com and that guy is really good - the best writer on their site by far and obviously way brighter than me or any of the readers of his column (in fact, I'm surprised he has an audience on a terribly dumbed down site like ESPN.com - what with Simmons and his silly, silly, obvious, obvious, and pointless columns getting tons of readers). Anyway, the TMQ guy is worth reading, especially in the fall. But today, he went on for thousands of words about Battlestar Galactica. I mean thousands. And I've never seen the show, but I know Keith watches it - so he'd definitely enjoy the TMQ column about it. This TMQ guy, I know he's smart because he rips old Barry for this economic power grab he's been orchestrating. If you don't believe me and how I've been going on and on about it -read this TMQ guy.

And I'm pretty sure that ESPN in general is in the tank for old Barry - they even had his bracket selections on SportsCenter last month - pitiful. Getting used by Barack Hussien Obama to curry favor with morons who fill out brackets - that should be ESPN's motto. Lots of poorly spoken analysts on the SportsCenter as well - it's pretty much unwatchable with the sound on - except if they have Trent Dilfer on there - he is excellent; he's well spoken and insightful. And maybe if they have on my main man Emmit Smith - but I heard they fired Emmit to bring in Matt Millen. Now, Emmit was perhaps the worst spoken person to ever appear on any television program in the known history of the known universe. BUT, he was also maybe the most entertaining. I would stay up after MNF just to listen to Emmit break down what happened during the game. And who else could possibly make SportsCenter appointment viewing on Monday night after midnight? Nobody - except Emmit. If you're not down with Emmit Smith, then I have no interest in talking to you - at all. Unless, you're a girl - then I'd prefer you had no idea about sports at all and be clueless about who Emmit Smith is entirely. There is nothing worse than trying to talk sports with girls - with the exception of Cara Forester (she could talk about football with great insight and is the only girl I ever took to a TOSU game, but I haven't spoken to her since 1994). OK, it might be worse to try and talk sports with fairly clueless front running fans of whoever is popular at the time (the Irish, the Yankees, the Sox, the Cowboys, the Packers, the Niners, and the Trojans having some of the worst offenders in their fan bases over various points the past 30 years - and of course Chelsea, the worst of the worst - those front running fans know nothing about the nuances of soccer). Anyway, good luck to Matt Millen - he can't be any worse on ESPN than he was as GM of the Lions - and I still say that if someone in Motown decided to, in a moment of passion, do some kind of physical harm to Millen, they would be acquitted by any reasonable jury. Wouldn't you think?

I was out at Royal Soak last night and the typical Monday trivia game breaks out as always. And I didn't play too well (3rd place). And the most frustrating part is I missed a question that had to do with Married With Children at the end - if I'd come up with it, I'd have won. Anyway, Danny stopped in for awhile and had to take off. After the trivia, I was intensely watching the Bulls/Celts game and thank you Ben Gordon (Bulls covered the 8) and there was this girl to my right and I'm not sure exactly how we started chatting, but I think it may have been when a Prince song came on the Satellite Radio, because I was going on like always about Seven and how I wished it would come on or Cream or The Pope and anyway this girl actually knew what the hell I was talking about (those are other Prince songs in case anyone reads this who doesn't get me yet - and yes, somehow, the number of readers to this blog continues to grow). So, I was gonna leave and watch the 2nd game (not pleasant to think about that game - I should have known that the day I put that coyote mascot on my blog the Spurs would win convincingly) at another venue. But I got to talking to this girl and we had a nice conversation - which is boring to write about so I won't. But I ended up staying at Royal Soak. And there were some folks around early to mid 30's down the way from us and they were throwing the old Darts around and they started to sing along to the Satellite Radio - only it was 90's songs and they were singing along to some of the most terrible songs ever recorded, including a Hootie and the Counting Crowfish song and worst of all, Creed. I tried to kind of laugh about it, but after awhile they got really tiresome - there was one dude and two chicks. So, finally a Porno For Pyros song comes on (and I am a huge fan of Porno For Pyros) and this time I start screaming the words and these three folks were not happy about that. And I looked down to them and said "That's how I've felt the last 2 hours. Please quit singing. You're ruining an otherwise perfectly nice Monday evening." And they quit after that and took off.

The girl I was chatting with at Royal Soak (Laura) said at one point "I used to work here for like 2 years" And I said "How? You're not fat." And she laughed at that. She had a sense of humor. She laughed at the right things.

U can be the President

I'd rather be the Pope

U can be the side effect

I'd rather be the dope

The Drunk Middle Eastern Woman With The Thick Accent

I was over at the food court in this mall earlier today, and as I'm wandering around and wondering what to eat, this woman at a kiosk asks me if I'd like to try some tea. And I said "Iced?" And she said "It's homeopathic." And I said "Do I look gay?"

I was on a call here a bit ago and the call was pretty pointless. It's supposed to be about work and how the folks here in Atlanta are progressing with this project I'm here overseeing. But the call degenerated into mindless chit-chat (as it often does). So, I'm barely paying attention as the ladies on the call are going on about some restaurant or something and then finally one of them asks me if I'd ever eaten at the place. And I have been in the place and actually wrote about the experience on this blog (find a post about the Bongwater Cafe from December). And my response to the question was "Isn't that the place they serve the homeopathic tea?" Nobody laughed. But I amused myself at least. Later in response to a question about how it was going here in the office, I said "Well, there are people here. So that's good." At least one of the ladies laughed at that one.

Barack Hussein Obama was at some conference in Trinidad and Tobago recently and he buddied up to this ruthless communist dictator (I think the cat's name is Chavez). And I have no idea what the conference was supposed to accomplish, but I do wonder about the message old Barry is sending by hugging a ruthless communist dictator. Maybe this dictator has some dirt on Barry. I'm not sure. But maybe this dictator has photos of old Barry in bed with a dead girl or a live boy. I can't imagine why else Barry would hug a dictator who despises our country like this Chavez cat.

Also at this conference in Trinidad and Tobago was a guy who gave a 50 minute speech raging against the US. And old Barry just sat there politely and never even had the balls to question what this dude was saying. The more cynical folks among us might wonder if Barry shares this guy's views - maybe Barry is sympathetic to hatred of our country. I sure hope not, but it does make you wonder. Old W sure wouldn't have put up with that crap (And say what you will about old W, but he never tolerated, and by extension endorsed, these crazy dictators who can't seem to do anything better than blame the US for all their problems). The news - it's nauseating. And I make a pointed effort to pay as little attention to the news as possible. I can only ponder how crazy old Barry must be making people who actually follow things closely. Poor bastards. Me, I try and stick to sports.

I was out Friday at the Henry Hudson Grille again and they put the O's on one TV and the Reds on one next to it. So, I was just sitting there minding my own business and trying to enjoy this baseball as best I could and then these 3 women walk in and sit down to my right. And the one to my immediate right was hammered. And she was pitiful. She kept asking me really annoying questions. And after I'd come back inside after smoking she said "What if I slipped something into your drink?" (Oh, she was middle eastern and not very attractive - chubby - so keep that in mind). And I said "What if you did?" And she replied, in her fairly thick middle eastern accent, "I could have my way with you and you wouldn't remember." And I said "If you are gonna have your way with me, there is no way I want to remember." And she said "You're funny. And cute." And I'm not either thing, believe me. And this went on with this middle eastern woman for like 2 hours. Finally she and her friends left. And as they were getting ready to take off, one of them asked "Do you hang out here often?" And I said "Well, I'll tell you what. If it means running into this middle eastern woman again, then I'm never coming in here again." She said "No, it will just be me." And I thought - Why the hell would you let me be tortured for 2 hours by this friend and then ask me out. But I said "I think you should come in here every day and sit for 2 hours while I send swarthy, poorly spoken men in here to annoy you. That would make things even." And she didn't like what I said at all. She left pretty quickly. Me, I had another beer and watched the Reds come from behind with a 9th inning 2 run homer to beat the Astros. Then I went over to that dive bar and I'll be damned but another strange girl started talking to me. This one was much better looking but after about 3 minutes of hearing about her 21 month old son, her ex-husband, and the fact that her boss hadn't got her check to her on time, I said "You know what? There is really no point in even continuing this. There is no way I would ever consider getting involved with you. So, good luck to you and save the story for someone desperate and who might be a nice guy." Me, I'm not desperate (not even close) and I'm a horrible person. This girl started to tear up a little and I said "Damn. That's it for me." And as I started to walk out, she said "Wait. I'm still lactating and I don't know if you get freaky like that. But if you do or you want to, I'd love to make it happen." And that's a little gross. I don't get freaky like that. So I said "Well hell, I wish you'd said that up front. That changes everything. You have no idea how much that turns me on." She said "Oh good. Let me get my things together and we'll go." And at that moment I knew things were gonna turn extra bad for the night. And I wasn't wrong about that.

Saturday was much better (thank you Houston Rockets and both the Cavs and Pistons for scoring over 175 combined). I was back at Henry Hudson Grille and one of the guys who is working here in Atlanta stopped in (he's in from San Antonio and of course he's a big Spurs fan - all of the folks in San Antonio are big Spurs fans). And this guy is a pretty good guy - his name is Curtis. And he gets there just after halftime of the Mavs/Spurs game and this was right as the Mavs started to roll the Spurs. I warned him what was gonna happen. And then it did. And I think the Mavs might do the same thing tonight. It should be tight at the very least. And don't feel too bad for Curtis and all the other Spurs fans - they've got 4 titles the last 10 years -better than any franchise in pro sports over that time frame. And they also had Rodman. And the Ice Man. And that coyote mascot.

I was watching this movie on the HBO with the guy whose father was an anchorman in Lexington, Ky and the guy who plays Jim on the Office - and it wasn't too bad. Not as good as the other movies the guy whose father was an anchorman in Lexington, Ky has directed. The one movie about the game show host who was a CIA operative - that starred Sam Rockwell - that was damned impressive.

Space Age Love Song

Liberal Guilt Manifests Itself In A Portuguese Water Dog

If you operate under the premise that life is completely absurd (which is not a bad idea) and there is no rhyme or reason for any of it, then you'd thoroughly enjoy that dive bar I've gone into the last month. I'm sitting there again last night and this trivia game starts up and Team Fatty was sitting across the way again. Only this time I made my team name Morbid Obesity (which I've used from time to time over the years). And the fat boyfriend part of Team Fatty comes up to me after the game, as I was heading out, and asks "Was that team name some kind of insult to my girlfriend?" And I said "Um, yeah." He said "Asshole. Fucking asshole." And I said "That very well might be. I'm not gonna quibble with you over your assertion. But, I'm not the one trying to pull back that whore's 10 chins just to beg her for a blow job. Am I? You sicko." And then I got sincere for a moment with this heavy guy. I said "You are a disgusting, fatty fucking animal. And I don't believe in god, but if there was one you should apologize for ever getting sexually involved in any way, shape, or position with that 10 chinned wonder." I was a little emotional. I normally don't speak from the heart like that. But this girl is morbidly obese. And this guy is enabling her by plowing her from time to time and I wanted to do the right thing for once. He seemed moved by what I'd said. He was tearing up a little. He said "You know brother, I know you said you're not a religious man. But do you think you could pray with me, right here in this fine bar, for god to forgive me for fucking that huge nasty monstrosity?" And I said "No. Jesus no, that's awful. You're worse than I thought. You should take your pants off and go over to her right now and thank the lord that any woman would service you. You're repulsive and stupid and poorly spoken." I took off. And I couldn't get out of there fast enough.

As for the game itself, I was awful - until the last question (the great equalizer). I was down 12 points to Team Fatty and they asked a question about Ronald Wilson Reagan. And I ended up only in 2nd place, but at least I passed Team Fatty - they tanked on the Reagan question. I'm very difficult to beat if they are gonna ask those kinds of questions at the end.

I saw where a bunch of white folks gathered in various cities the other day to protest Barack Hussein Obama's economic plans. And I'm not much of a protester. I don't care about anything enough to expend energy protesting. So, these folks had one of these rallies here in Atlanta and I was sitting at Henry Hudson Grille and one of the TV's was on the Roger Ailes Network and this guy next to me is going on about what a movement this is and how old Barry's in deep water with these people. And I don't think so. It seemed about as pointless to me as the hippie losers who were out protesting the war in Iraq 5 or 6 years ago. Barry doesn't care that these people are mad over his policies. I understand the frustration about old Barry, he is making a huge power grab and blah, blah, blah. But, protesting like a bunch of smelly hippies is not gonna change one thing. The guy next to me seemed to get my point, to an extent. But he said "You have any faith left in the GOP?" And I said "Not since that idiot Gringrich came into power. No." He asked "Well, how do you vote?" And I replied "Voting is for suckers." And it is. It really is. Then I added "Plus the people who work at the polls are old and they smell. They smell almost as bad as hippies." The guy next to me said "You've got a point about the old people at the polling places." And I have no idea if I was right about old people who work at the precincts smelling or not - I was just assuming. It stands to reason. Doesn't it? The truth is that I've never voted in my life - I don't want jury duty.

Also, people are up in arms over this dog that Barack Hussein Obama got for his kids. And I haven't seen a picture of this dog or anything. But why would anyone criticize a dog? What the hell did the dog ever do? And if old Barry's children like this dog, then leave them all alone. It's ridiculous. Besides, I hear old Barry got this dog from that guy who killed that woman in Chappaquiddick. And that guy is going through some kind of cancer and if ever there was a guy who deserved to give old Barry a pup - it's that guy who killed that woman in Chappaquiddick. What a horrible person. I think he likes to knock a few back. But he can't buy another drink for that woman he killed at Chappaquiddick. Can he? So I guess he's compensating for not being able to buy the woman he killed a drink by buying old Barry some Portuguese dog. And that makes perfect sense - Liberal guilt: where you compensate for killing a woman by drinking your life away and then 40 years later buying a dog for Barack Hussein Obama's children.

I heard that Jenene Garafalo was calling the folks at these tea demonstration/protest things racists. And that's just silly of course. But, I always liked Jenene Garafalo. She did this bit one time about going to a Weezer concert and I found that pretty amusing and she is in one of my favorite movies (the one with Winona Ryder, Ben Stiller, and Ethan Hawke). So, I wish she wasn't so totally silly with her political comments. It's a shame - because she's a smart girl.

NBA playoffs start this weekend and it is one of the best times of the year for all the degenerate gamblers (guys not unlike myself). I am working hard to try and figure out these spreads. We'll see what happens...

Hold Back The Rain

The Smug Fatty With 10 Chins

I have been getting some criticism for my persistent and vicious attacks on fat people in this blog. And I gotta say - I'm about to do it again. So, I'm sitting at that same dive bar last night and the people in there are just awful - ugly and loud. This trivia game breaks out and the guy running it announces that it's double winnings night. And that meant $100 worth of gift certificates was up for grabs. And I play for the love of the game, not the prizes - but as long as they're giving out prizes...One team was sitting across the bar from me and they were two huge people. The woman had at least 10 chins. And these people were actually pretty good at the trivia. They probably dominate most of the time. So, the game goes along and I was playing fine. But every time I'd look over in the direction of the fat team - the woman had the most smug look on her face. And that started to irritate me. So, we get to the last question and I'm in 3rd - 3 pts out of the lead. And this 10 chin woman and her fat man are in 1st. Then the dude asks the final question. And it was about SNL (it had to do with Fran Tarkenton). And I knew the answer immediately. I took it up right away and was sure that Team Fatty saw how fast I'd answered. I was trying to apply pressure, make Team Fatty sweat a little, and generally get in their heads (you'd be surprised how serious some people take these stupid trivia games). And Team Fatty wasn't sure of the answer, and they started panicking and the 10 chinned woman kept looking over at me and the smug look on her fat face started to disappear. Team Fatty finally took their answer up at the very last second. And when the guy running the thing announced that I had won, I stood up, started walking over to him to get the prize and said, pretty loudly "Maybe that will wipe the smug look off that fat whore's face for a night." And I enjoyed that immensely. Making fat women angry - it's a strength of mine. And as my friend Paul J Whitehouse always said when someone called him an asshole, "You gotta go with your strengths."

I did manage to meet up with Danny for about an hour before the trivia game. And we were sitting at The Royal Soak and there were all these Chelsea fans in there and Chelsea won and are moving on to the Semis and that's fine and all. But, Chelsea fans are the biggest front runners in sports (worse than Dallas Cowboy fans and NY Yankee fans and Notre Dame fans -way worse) and I can't get down with that. Me, I pull for the Gunners. And they have a huge match here this afternoon. I don't root for teams per se (it's not wise to have an emotional investment in any team if you're gonna gamble on the sport). But my one exception is Arsenal. My main main man Dennis Bergkamp. He could flat ball. Oh, and don't forget Thierry Henry. He is a genius. Anyway, these Chelsea fans suck. Way worse than Man U fans even. And isn't it hysterical that Man U is still being sponsored by AIG? Instead of having AIG across the jerseys, they should have a picture of Barack Hussein Obama handing American taxpayer money to Malcolm Glazer.

I got a text from Andy last night and he said Geilfuss was out with some hot girl. And I texted Andy back and said "Is she retarded?"

Oh I almost forgot - Khaki Pants was out yesterday. And I hadn't talked to her since that Monday a few weeks ago. And Khaki Pants was wearing khaki pants again - only this time they were tighter and really accentuated her too big ass. She's an OK enough looking girl - don't get me wrong. But these khaki pants were not flattering on Khaki Pants. So, she's sitting down the way from me and Danny and peeking over way too often and in way too obvious a manner toward us. And at one point she smiled and she does have a nice smile. But I said "You might as well turn around. I'm not nearly drunk enough to even entertain the idea of trying to pretend to hold a conversation with you." Danny laughed. Poor Khaki Pants - she needs a man. Anyone interested, all you have to do is go in The Royal Soak and wait - she'll be in. And when she comes in, just promise that you won't leave her until the next morning after taking her home . And if you do that, I'm pretty sure you'll be good to go - not Paulie of course. But others.

I was out one time with Andy and Jess and we were playing this trivia game at Zoo Station and this guy from Chicago was there too (I don't remember the guy's name, but I think he and Jess were dating at the time, and she is quite a catch). So this question comes up about the Chicago fire and I say to the kid from Chicago - "You have to know this right?" And he says "There was a fire?"

Even Better Than The Real Thing

A Duck Eviscerates A Tiger

I just got a text from Danny here in the ATL and he is out at Royal Soak getting drunk. He just had to write a huge check to the IRS. You can't blame the kid. I did my own taxes earlier and had to write a check as well. And I could use a belt myself -believe me. The IRS - horrible, horrible people.

Geilfuss had this post on the Faceshit that he did recently. It was one of these stupid things where you answer 50 questions. Anyway, one of the questions was if you prefer the thong or boy shorts. And Geilfuss thought the question was in reference to himself, instead of to women. He said something like "I've never worn a thong, so I guess boy shorts by default." And I laughed and laughed. My man Geilfuss. (By the way, the correct answer is thong - and it's not even close. The thong has one huge advantage going for it - and I won't delve into why {it has something to with ease of...}, but thong is the correct answer.)

I was out at Royal Soak myself last night for a bit. And this trivia game breaks out. To my right were a couple of older dudes. And they decided to play the trivia. And they were awful. I felt bad for them. So, this one question comes up about The Gauntlet (and me, Todd Myers, and The Electric Boogie Woman dumped thousands of dollars of quarters into that game in the mid 80's). So, I write down the answer for these dudes - I wrote the word: Food (Blue Elf, Your Life Force Is Getting Low). And these two idiots spent 2 minutes trying to decipher what I'd written. It was pitiful and hilarious and existential (as most of the best moments in life are). They kept saying guesses like "F, O, U, S?" or "F, U, U, D?" I wish someone else had been there to witness it. Priceless. And the final question was about a director who died in 1980 and these guys said "Coppola." Not as a query, but as a statement. I said "Fellas, what time are you two due back at the group home tonight?" The one guy says "No. It has to be right." And I said "The only slight problem with your answer is that Francis Ford Coppola is still alive. And other than that it's still a terrible guess."

I was travelling yesterday and it sucked. We were grounded for 3 hours. And nothing too interesting happened waiting around PTI for 3 hours. So, we finally get into the ATL at like 2:40. And I go to the National counter to check in for the car - and I have been dealing with these people for the past several years, and they are so much worse than Avis (who I dealt with for about 8 years). Anyway, I get up to an agent and she goes to the self service kiosk and runs my info, and there is a message that I am on their Do Not Rent list and to call some number for help (normally I would find this amusing, but I was just in the mood from being help up 3 hours already). So, this clerk says "You have to call them. I don't know what to do." Which seemed odd, but I called the 800 number and got the snafu worked out with some customer service rep. I then proceed back to the counter to pay the $16.56 (Yes, $16.56) that was due to them. It was a gas surcharge that the company normally pays (that due to the computers being down last Friday afternoon was unpaid). And the rental agent woman from a few minutes earlier still didn't wanna help me. Now, it was busy and she was flustered. But this woman just seemed to have no interest in helping me. And I needed a car. I was way late for the day already. Instead of letting me pay her the $16.56 (did I mention it was $16.56? And I usually run up around $1000 a pop for National to bill this company? Oh yeah, did I mention it was for 16.56?) and sending me on my way, she wanted to send me to some mysterious part of the airport to see a manager. And that was not happening. So, I said "You really don't want me to have to get you fired do you? Because I really don't wanna do that." And I didn't. So, she said "I can't help you here. I have no idea what you're talking about." And everyone should be proud of me, because instead of getting into a really pointless conversation that would have resulted in security being called, I walked away a few feet, called the customer service rep back and she said to go right back to the front of the line and give this woman behind the counter the phone. And that I did. And when I told the woman behind the counter "This lady really wants to speak to you from your customer service center," well, that did the trick. The woman behind the counter suddenly became very helpful and efficient. I was out of there in 5 minutes. And I did give the customer service woman the renting agent's name - it was Therese. And my fervent wish is for Therese to undergo intense retraining or find another job. Hell, she'd fit right in on the Obama economic team - or, of course, the IRS.

There was one odd thing that happened during my 3 hour wait at PTI (and I have no idea why they call it International {the I stands for International}, because they only fly to like 7 or 8 cities and none of them are outside the US, unless you consider Philly to be international - ridiculous). I went into the CNBC store there and I was hoping they had the latest issue of Club. But, alas, they only had Playboy and Penthouse. So, I said to the lady behind the register "When are you gonna start stocking Club with the other porno mags in here?" She said "Child, you don't look like you need to be staring at any filthy old porno. You looks like you could getcha pussy any time you wanna." I said "No. I am a confirmed virgin. I have been saving myself for marriage. It will be my precious and sacred gift to my bride when I slip her the old high hard one." This clerk lady at the CNBC store says "Bullshit, honey." And I said "No, no. Really. I swear." And she asked "What kinda church you mixed up in baby?" And I said "It's the fucking Mormons ma'am."

I was watching the golf over the weekend and the guy kept saying "A tradition unlike any other." And there was this guy named The Tiger who got his ass kicked by a guy who goes by The Duck. And this is the 2nd time in the last couple years that this Duck has embarrassed this Tiger at a major. And I kept thinking, as this Tiger was bogeying the last 2 holes and thoroughly making an ass of himself "I wonder if he prefers wearing boy shorts or thongs?"

Love Plus 1.

The 3 Amigos Nightmare

I was back at Henry Hudson Grille last night for another spirited bout of trivia and it was pretty eventful - for once. I was supposed to meet old Danny and a client he was out with over there at 8. So, I walk in right at 8 and can't find Danny in there. And those people from last week are there and have a seat saved for me and I'll be damned, I sat down with them. And that was a mistake. There was one guy and two ladies on the team - they called themselves 3 Amigos - the other guy from last week was out of town evidently. So, 2 questions pass and I'm getting a little agitated just having to talk to these folks - then, and Thank God, Danny and his client (a very nice and attractive woman) show up . So, I moved to the bar with them - and we were right behind the 3 Amigos - so we could give answers to them but not have to converse with them. But, it didn't work out that way. I went over and told them the answer after every question - and there were only 2 all night I wasn't certain of. But these people gave me so much grief with the "Are you sure?" And "Have you thought about ______?" At the halftime, there was a question about the National Football League - 4 correct answers and I ripped them off in about 10 seconds (it was about coaches who have won at least 3 Super Bowls). And the guy running the game gave two songs to answer - about 10 minutes because he used a long Doors song as one. And I'll be damned if this 3 Amigos guy didn't come back over to me half a dozen times with the "Are you sure?" It was making me crazy. Then a question comes up about airplanes and it just so happens that Danny's client is a pilot. And the 3 Amigos start to disagree with a pilot on an airplane question. I stayed out of that one. So, this goes on and on and on. Finally, we get to the last question - we were winning by 1 pt. It is this: Which of these 4 movies went longest between when the original was released and the 1st sequel? Last Picture Show, The Hustler, The Odd Couple, The Sting. So, I got a napkin out and showed my work to the 3 Amigo guy - to avoid any 2nd guessing. I literally wrote out the year each movie was released, the year the sequel was released and then DID THE MATH for the 3 Amigos on top of that. So, I take it over to them and say "Here. Go Odd Couple - all in. I'm 100% - and here is my proof (I felt like I was doing a calculus question for these 3 Amigo people). And then the guy from 3 Amigos spends at least 7 minutes wanting to debate with me - not about the answer, because he had no clue- but about how there is no way I could be sure. And that really pissed me off and I'm such an easy going person - I just wanna hang out and have a couple beers. So, the 3 Amigos keep asking if it is ok to bet zero. And I said "Dude - I laid it out for you in black and white - I'm certain I'm right." And eventually he did take up the answer with the all in bet. And we won going away - by 10 points. If we had bet zero, we would have come in 2nd. So, and here is the coup de grace - I say to Danny "Do you think they will even offer the gift card to us? We'll turn it down of course, but the decent thing would be to offer - because I'm not friends with these people and without me, they would have had about 25 less points." And Danny says "These tools. No, they won't even offer the gift card." And I'll be damned - what they did is worse than not offering the gift card at all. The guy comes over and hands me $10. I swear to you. He says "Here's your share." We left pretty quickly thereafter. Unbelievable. I swear I'm gonna go in there every Wed from now until I leave here and drill them at trivia every last week. Drill them.

Later Danny and I were out at Royal Soak - for just like an hour. And this redhead comes over to Danny and introduces herself as Elizabitch. Really. And she starts going on about how old Danny won't have a drink with her or something. I was trying to watch the Mavs game (thank you Dallas - they crushed the Jazz) and wasn't paying close attention to her. But she sounded to me like she was from Jersey and she claimed to be from some small Georgia town that's out near the Alabama border. She was really giving old Danny a hard time - she really wanted to go home with him and she was a bitch, slapped him a couple of times, and was generally giving him the business as Ron Cherry would say. So, right before old Danny took off, he excused himself for a minute and this Elizabitch woman says to me "What's wrong with him?" And nothing is as far as I can tell. But I said "Oh, he's intimidated by redheaded Jersey whores who pretend to be southern belles." And she laughed. So, at least she had a sense of humor. They took off a little after midnight together. I got a text from Danny a little while later and he was at her place and the text said - I think she might be crazy. I hope the kid is alright.

I just saw where Larry Mize shot 67 at the Masters today. And that might be the most amazing thing in the history of sports. Seriously.

Also, this thing with these pirates that's all over the news - why don't we just send some Captain Morgan over to them? Wouldn't that clear everything up? And who are these pirates - the homeless guys from the Seinfeld episode who got stuck with those puffy shirts that were designed by that low talker Kramer was dating? Are those the pirates? Because, I think Rich Hall played one of them and he did those sniglet things back in the 80s and I never found him to be remotely funny and if he's over off the coast of Somailia taking people hostage and making them listen to his sniglet jokes - wow, I'd rather walk the plank myself. Aaarggghhhh Matey!!!

Yo ho ho and a bottle of rum. - TBFH

PS -I am in no way implying that Elisabeth Shue is a bitch - she is simply the hottest Elisabeth I could think of today. - Peace.

Slider's 08/08/08

I saw some video of Barack Hussein Obama bowing to the king of Saudi Arabia (I believe his name is Abdullah). And he really was bowing. BOWING - to a Saudi King. And I can't even think of anything to say to mock old Barry on this one. Disgraceful. He should be ashamed of himself. I certainly am ashamed to be an American. The president bowing to a Saudi King - Jesus. What the fuck???

And just to make things worse, old Barry stopped in Turkey and embraced radical Islamists there. The leader in Turkey is some slime ball named Recep Erdogan and this dude is attacking his political enemies fairly ruthlessly - if you believe news reports. And old Barry embraces him for all the world to see??? Does Barry have any notion of American values like free speech and political dissent??? Again, I don't even have anything to say to mock him. Barry's ignorance is breathtaking.

I also saw where science gurus for Barack Hussein Obama are getting serious about global warming. They are considering shooting particles into the upper atmosphere that would, maybe, alter climate change -basically man made volcanic activity (granted, my grasp of science is pitiful). And I started to laugh a little bit because here in the ATL there were snow flurries yesterday and it is April. And these science gurus want to spend billions of dollars to shoot particles into the upper atmosphere??? Huh???

Also, the press seems to be smitten with Mrs. Barack Hussien Obama (I keep seeing the phrase "rock star" attached to her). I think her first name is Michelle. And I don't wanna say anything inappropriate about this woman - that's not how I roll. She may not be my type - but live and let live, ya know? But she doesn't look like any rock star I can think of - she's no Liz Phair. And I'm reminded of a brief conversation I had with some loser at a bar a few months back: One of the Obama Nation people was on the TV - and I said something like "Fuck. Change the damn channel." And this dude says to me, out of the blue, and with a straight face "You seen his wife?" And I said "Not close up. No." (Which was true, I hadn't really looked at her too closely. And I still haven't looked super close.) And this hobo looking loser says "She's a negress." And I said "Dude quit using that language around me. I'm leaving if you keep this up." And the hobo loser guy says "No, no. Don't get me wrong. I voted for Obama. I'm just saying that his wife has a smelly coochie." And then I swallowed my beer and took off.

I was out at Dumb Woody's Tavern again - and yes I did manage to spend the $50 - I had to buy a few beers for some guy and eat to pull it off, but I did. But the thing is, I won the trivia game again out there and I'm right back in the same situation - an endless cycle of $50 gift certificates that have me mentally on edge every day with worry over how I'm gonna spend all that money. Maybe I should throw the game? Anyway, I rolled to a 6 point win - and killed them on the final question: Besides Vegas, name 1 of the 3 other cities that has a hotel that ranks among the 20 biggest in the US. And I remembered being in a hotel one time in Nashville and reading something about how it was big. And it was big, believe me. So I put Nashville and there you go. Victory. The other 2 were Orlando and Honolulu - if anyone cares.

Geilfuss put some pictures up on the Faceshit of his visit to the ballpark on opening day. And they were fine and all. But, he wasn't wearing an O's cap and that really bothered me. I didn't see his feet in any of the pictures - so I cannot report on if he had lost his shoes or not. Of course to be fair - I've never worn an O's cap to a game myself. By the way, the O's have never lost when I have been in attendance. Ever. They are 4-0. And they bombed the Rangers the last game I went to on 08/08/08. It was a Friday night and there were about 7 of us outside of Slider's for a good part of the night. And it might have been the best night of last year. Andy was wearing his Tide hat and Jesus Hates the Yankees t-shirt. Vaeth was mocking the fat fans in the wheelchair section (ok, maybe that was me - but he was mocking someone). And after the game, I was sending Katie and Rachel up to request songs from the DJ outside Slider's. And those girls are the best. And then they started dancing with Andy (and as I've said before - Andy moves better than any big man since John Belushi). And I stood there with Dan and we kept drinking - laughing and laughing and laughing - having the best time. It was nice.

I asked the guy

Why are you so fly?

He said - Funky Cold Medina

I'm out - TBFH

Looking On In Utter Horror

Above is about exactly the look on the faces of the Spartan fans last night - and that was 4 minutes into the game. I had the over - so I just kept saying "Rout their asses." And the Heels did. And that's something.

I was weatching the O's/NYY game yesterday and ESPN decided to interview Joe Biden for some reason. I have no idea why. Anyway it was pointless and silly. But at one point Joe Morgan says this to Biden - "You know, without you on the ticket Obama would not have won the election." I fell over. At least Biden had the good sense to disagree. Oh, and Biden may have been a jock at some point - he was talking about how in high school he tried to emulate Willie Mays in center field. And I have no idea if he played or was good or what. But it's interesting that a guy who has gotten into so much trouble for plagiarism (he dropped out of the 1988 presidential race after getting caught lifting speeches from some moron British dude) would admit copying someone in sports too. I kept waiting for Jon Miller to ask Joe Biden about his hair plugs. But he didn't. And nobody seems to - and the only question I've had for Biden the last 18 years or whatever is why he did the hair plugs - he looked like a chia pet. And gutless reporters won't ask him.

I was playing a little trivia last night at the Royal Soak and we didn't play badly at all - just missed 2 questions the whole game. Still, we came in 2nd. Anyway, at one point there was a question about seedless Thompson something or other and this chubby blonde chick is sitting near us and turns around and says "I was in England and over there they call grapes Thompsons." And Danny said "Thanks honey." And I said to this chubby blonde who knows about England "You actually eat grapes?" I was dumbstruck. Fat chicks eating grapes. Damn.

Not much time here today. Work ---

TBFH

The Czech Girl In The Interesting Dress

One of the oddest things about staying on the top floor of a hotel is when you ride the elevator down to the lobby. As folks get on from the lower floors they almost all press 1 (the lobby). And I am always so tempted to say - "Do I look like an idiot?" Why would I be in the elevator headed down if I hadn't pressed 1 when I got on? People - they're the worst.

Also, they have this free happy hour here every night. And I don't take advantage of it nearly as much as I should, and the reason is the tedious people constantly waiting in line for free booze. They are awful and if you say something ridiculous out loud (to, you know - amuse yourself while waiting for a drink - god forbid), almost all of them look at you like you're nuts (and I might be, admittedly). Business travelers - humorless, free booze chasing morons. At least for the most part.

I was at the Cheese Palace in Hell (the burger joint) last night and there was a couple to my left. And the woman inquired what I was drinking. I wasn't exactly sure, all I know is the bartender told me it tasted like Hawaiian Punch (it did by the way). So I said "Something really strong that tastes like Hawaiian Punch." and she said "Can I try a sip?" I said "No. That's gross." And her boyfriend pipes up and says "Are you implying my girlfriend is beneath sharing a drink with?" And I said "Exactly." Well, he didn't like that at all. He said "You best take that back boy. Or this might break bad." I said "OK." This seemd to puzzle him. Eventually he said "So you are taking it back?" I replied "No. She's vile and her gut is hanging so low that's it's distracting to my peripheral vision." He seemed more baffled than ever and wanted to take it outside or something silly. But his woman chimed in and said "He's not worth your trouble baby." And that's true - I'm not. So, they get up to go and he was upset with me and his woman and I bet they had a tense ride home. See, I'm doing what I can to make ugly women single -doing it for Paulie and his ilk. I'm nice that way.

Later I was standing outside of the Henry Hudson Grille and I'm smoking and this blonde is out there in some really interesting dress (I can't even describe it really) and smiles at me. So I said something silly to her. And she comes walking toward me and it became apparent she was European because after 30 seconds neither one of us could understand the other at all. So, she grabs my hand after another minute of saying "What?" And "I no know what you says." She said "I'm from Prague." And that I understood- finally. So I said "What a coincidence - me too." And she didn't get that at all. And I gave up and went inside. It was like talking to a Dream Teamer when you're sober. Just impossible. I saw this Czech girl inside and there was a whole table of them - about 12. I walked past pretty fast - the whole thing was depressing.

On HBO earlier they were showing something called 27 Dresses. And I am shocked to report that I actually watched the thing and enjoyed it on some level. The girl in it was pretty charming - she reminded me of a girl I know pretty well. And the dude who played the writer was good too - I think he was in Superman. So, I'm a little worried about myself - enjoying a chick flick. Who woulda thunk it?

I'm working hard on the bets for this evening's big games and I'm tempted to take Nova on the money line. I really am. Who knows?

I'm out---TBFH

The Skank In The White Pants Who Heaves Her Cleavage Out

I saw where the puppet Russian president called Barack Hussein Obama a "comrade" at some meeting they had in some men's room. And that makes perfect sense. I couldn't agree with him more. If ever there was a guy who might be considered a "comrade" in the truest sense of the word - it's old Barry. Why they were meeting in a men's room, I have no idea. Maybe they both participate in glory hole action from time to time and are right at home in the can. Also, apparently old Barry made quite a name for himself at the summit. I heard he wowed this 100 year old fake monarch woman somehow or other. And when I heard this old cow was impressed with Barry, I wondered if he slipped her the old high hard one? I sure hope not - I don't think this pitiful old phony monarch woman would stoop to putting out for Barry. But I could be wrong -after all, he did wow her - somehow. Lastly on this, I saw where this French babe wouldn't kiss old Barry when they were exchanging pleasantries - and my estimation of the French shot up for the first time since I saw that movie where Catherine Deneuve is naked half of the time or when Yannick Noah won the 1983 French Open.

I was out Wednesday at the Henry Hudson Grille again and was sucked into playing trivia by a couple of pretty nice, but not that great at trivia, guys. They were both getting hammered - as they downed a number of beers pretty fast. And that was fine, except they were too wasted to be helpful at the trivia. In fact at one point the guy running the thing asked a question on The Beatles. I tell these dudes the answer immediately. And these 2 guys kept saying "Are you sure?" I got a little agitated with them for a moment - reminded me of the antics the guy who plays devil's advocate and studies his notes used to pull. We lost. It was pitiful. Another tie break question - only this time someone was closer to the answer - by 1 lousy year. I said 1861, this other team said 1860. The answer was 1859 - oh, and the question was what year did old Chuck Darwin publish some book? A pretty crummy night all around.

Last night was much better. First of all, Penn St covered the +4 (they won outright) - so that was helpful. I didn't get that out to everybody - but Brandon and Pat made some dough. And I was at that dive bar for a while and old Danny showed up (the kid from Monday at Royal Soak) and that place sucks. So, we went down to this place near Buckhead - on Roswell I think. And it was called Skin Lezbos. And we were standing out front- drinking and smoking - and these girls come up. One of them is wearing white pants and they were pretty much see-through and she's also really heaving the cleavage out there. The other one just seemed to babble about looking for work. So, the girl with the white pants who was heaving her cleavage out starts in with the nasty talk. I mean, she couldn't quit with the "Oh my body is aching for a warm tongue" kind of stuff and "Can you tell I'm not wearing any panties - I find them restrictive." That kind of talk offends me of course. I am often accused of being a prude. But old Danny was lapping it up. I think he was getting into it. So this silly sexy talk goes on for too long and I was running inside often to get another round and to get a break from the white pants no panties dirty talker. And the last time I walked outside, I didn't see Danny (turns out he had to take a call), but the girl with the white pants who was heaving her cleavage out was there talking to some friends. I just stood around smoking and drinking my beer for a few minutes and then her friends take off and she asks me "Could you provide that warm tongue I kept talking about?" And I didn't think about the offer long - I said pretty quickly "Not a chance in hell. I don't get freaky with girls who don't wear panties out to bars when they've got on white see-through pants." And I don't think she was expecting to be turned down, because she started crying a little bit and I said "Serves you right, you nasty skank."

Men go crazy in congregations

They only get better one by one

Buckle Bunnies And The Impending Economic Doom

I'm going to only write positive and uplifting things from now on. I had a real epiphany last night. I staggered into a mosque dead drunk and started screaming "Where is Bin Laden?" I was really making a spectacle of myself. But the islamic people there did not get angry with me. Instead they sat me down, brought me some water, prayed with me, bathed me, taught me how to run a cash register at a Quickie Mart, told me the ins and outs of driving a cab, then asked which of their virgins I wanted to deflower - very considerate and thoughtful, in my opinion. I declined that deflowering offer - I've never been down with all the blood involved. So, as I was talking with these islamic folks, I found real kinship and even brotherhood with them. So, with that in mind - I am vowing to turn over a new leaf or something approximating a leaf. And, from this day forward, I am gonna dedicate myself to love and harmony for and amongst all people; even the Chinamen, the terrorists, and the Democrat party. ---- April Fool!!! I am so silly.

I was reading this blog written by Gilbert Fucking Arenas yesterday for a little bit. And it was awesome - Agent Zero. I highly recommend it. It is hysterical. He's almost as crazy as I am. And Gilbert Arenas can flat ball - when he's healthy. I've watched him go off for 50 on several occasions.

I was out again for a few hours at Dumb Woody's Tavern last night and this trivia game breaks out. Halfway through, this guy shows up and sits to my right and he was not very helpful - an insect question comes up and he says "torso?" and that doesn't sound right to me and I said "Is there something called the thorax?" He didn't think so - and thorax was right. There were 4 questions I had right and scratched out after "consulting" with this guy. But he was pretty cool overall - nice enough anyway. So I was behind going into the final question by 7 pts and in a tie for 4th and won the game anyway - they asked something about putting people in order oldest to youngest and that's too easy. The people were Cher, Fabio, Sinbad, and Sting - that's not the right order though. So after the big trivia win, I'm talking to this same guy who thinks insects have torsos and he's lamenting the fact there were no babes in the place - and there weren't, he was right. So I said "It's very sausagey in here." And apparently he'd never heard the phrase before, because he spit out whatever he was drinking. The worst part about being in there is trying to drink enough to spend the whole $50 gift certificate you get for winning the pointless trivia game (I was using the certificate I won last week). I don't think the intention was for a team of one to win the prize, to be honest. So, now I gotta go in there again soon and worry all night about drinking $50 up. I could really use old Andy there. We've run up tabs north of that number from time to time. And that's just on a Saturday watching college football at Gloomy Daze.

Geilfuss sent me a text about 11:15 last night and was having an issue with a Dream Teamer at Get Bent Lounge - he seems to draw their ire on a regular basis. I have no idea why - he's harmless. He means no ill will. So, I texted Geilfuss back and told him to tell the dude that this particular redheaded Dream Teamer was scamming for free booze that 1)she has inverted nipples and 2)she snores like a sailor (Note: I have no first hand knowledge of either thing. But, I have heard from very reliable sources that both things are true.) So at some point Geilfuss says something to her and I went to bed at 12 or so and missed his late night texts about how it's all breaking bad at Get Bent Lounge as a result. This morning I did see a missed call from Geilfuss that was dialed at 2:02 last night - I hope the redheaded Dream Teamer didn't kick his ass - or steal his shoes.

I stumbled into Bananabee's about 11:30 and stayed ever so briefly, but did overhear a couple of old timers going on about how the world is going to end or something and they weren't joking around - they were serious. And I wasn't paying very close attention to them, but I'm guessing it was all crazy talk. I have no idea. But what I decided to do is ask them about Buckle Bunnies. I said "Are an onslaught of Buckle Bunnies a sign of impending global doom?" And the old timer furthest away (I remembered him from years past and - wow is he a freak) says "What is a Buckle Bunny?" And I said "Gentlemen, a Buckle Bunny is a girl that picks up competitors at a rodeo. And I saw where there has been a real proliferation of these Buckle Bunnies since Barack Hussien Obama started his jive about fixing the economy." The one old timer said "What could one possibly have to do with the other?" I replied "Good query there old timer. Seemingly nothing, but I think being worried over the economy and the jive that old Barry is feeding to everyone causes some women to become fixated on, drawn to, and sexually excited by - big shiny belt buckles. As a result, and this is where the real irony of the situation lies, these cowboys are refilling their Viagra prescriptions at alarming rates, causing a shortage on the world market that results in the very economic unease and impeding doom the two of you seem to be waxing so eloquently about this evening." The one old timer said to me "You're full of shit." I threw $10 on the bar, nodded to Jaime (the bartender), got up to leave, and said "Okay."

I was off on that date of the Fleetwood Mac concert. It wasn't yesterday. It's not until late April. So Fran has plenty of time to come through with this backstage pass thing. I'll keep you posted.

The guy hosting the trivia game last night was really tearing it up with his IPod thingy. At one point he played this tune by Men At Work that I hadn't heard in a while - Be Good Johnny and it's worth a listen - silly in a way, but pretty good. I went on for 10 minutes about it to everyone around me. Poor people just go to a bar to relax for a few hours and have to put up with me babbling about Colin Hay. Life isn't fair.

Be Good Be Good

Be Good Be Good

-TBFH