I'm going to only write positive and uplifting things from now on. I had a real epiphany last night. I staggered into a mosque dead drunk and started screaming "Where is Bin Laden?" I was really making a spectacle of myself. But the islamic people there did not get angry with me. Instead they sat me down, brought me some water, prayed with me, bathed me, taught me how to run a cash register at a Quickie Mart, told me the ins and outs of driving a cab, then asked which of their virgins I wanted to deflower - very considerate and thoughtful, in my opinion. I declined that deflowering offer - I've never been down with all the blood involved. So, as I was talking with these islamic folks, I found real kinship and even brotherhood with them. So, with that in mind - I am vowing to turn over a new leaf or something approximating a leaf. And, from this day forward, I am gonna dedicate myself to love and harmony for and amongst all people; even the Chinamen, the terrorists, and the Democrat party. ---- April Fool!!! I am so silly.
I was reading this blog written by Gilbert Fucking Arenas yesterday for a little bit. And it was awesome - Agent Zero. I highly recommend it. It is hysterical. He's almost as crazy as I am. And Gilbert Arenas can flat ball - when he's healthy. I've watched him go off for 50 on several occasions.
I was out again for a few hours at Dumb Woody's Tavern last night and this trivia game breaks out. Halfway through, this guy shows up and sits to my right and he was not very helpful - an insect question comes up and he says "torso?" and that doesn't sound right to me and I said "Is there something called the thorax?" He didn't think so - and thorax was right. There were 4 questions I had right and scratched out after "consulting" with this guy. But he was pretty cool overall - nice enough anyway. So I was behind going into the final question by 7 pts and in a tie for 4th and won the game anyway - they asked something about putting people in order oldest to youngest and that's too easy. The people were Cher, Fabio, Sinbad, and Sting - that's not the right order though. So after the big trivia win, I'm talking to this same guy who thinks insects have torsos and he's lamenting the fact there were no babes in the place - and there weren't, he was right. So I said "It's very sausagey in here." And apparently he'd never heard the phrase before, because he spit out whatever he was drinking. The worst part about being in there is trying to drink enough to spend the whole $50 gift certificate you get for winning the pointless trivia game (I was using the certificate I won last week). I don't think the intention was for a team of one to win the prize, to be honest. So, now I gotta go in there again soon and worry all night about drinking $50 up. I could really use old Andy there. We've run up tabs north of that number from time to time. And that's just on a Saturday watching college football at Gloomy Daze.
Geilfuss sent me a text about 11:15 last night and was having an issue with a Dream Teamer at Get Bent Lounge - he seems to draw their ire on a regular basis. I have no idea why - he's harmless. He means no ill will. So, I texted Geilfuss back and told him to tell the dude that this particular redheaded Dream Teamer was scamming for free booze that 1)she has inverted nipples and 2)she snores like a sailor (Note: I have no first hand knowledge of either thing. But, I have heard from very reliable sources that both things are true.) So at some point Geilfuss says something to her and I went to bed at 12 or so and missed his late night texts about how it's all breaking bad at Get Bent Lounge as a result. This morning I did see a missed call from Geilfuss that was dialed at 2:02 last night - I hope the redheaded Dream Teamer didn't kick his ass - or steal his shoes.
I stumbled into Bananabee's about 11:30 and stayed ever so briefly, but did overhear a couple of old timers going on about how the world is going to end or something and they weren't joking around - they were serious. And I wasn't paying very close attention to them, but I'm guessing it was all crazy talk. I have no idea. But what I decided to do is ask them about Buckle Bunnies. I said "Are an onslaught of Buckle Bunnies a sign of impending global doom?" And the old timer furthest away (I remembered him from years past and - wow is he a freak) says "What is a Buckle Bunny?" And I said "Gentlemen, a Buckle Bunny is a girl that picks up competitors at a rodeo. And I saw where there has been a real proliferation of these Buckle Bunnies since Barack Hussien Obama started his jive about fixing the economy." The one old timer said "What could one possibly have to do with the other?" I replied "Good query there old timer. Seemingly nothing, but I think being worried over the economy and the jive that old Barry is feeding to everyone causes some women to become fixated on, drawn to, and sexually excited by - big shiny belt buckles. As a result, and this is where the real irony of the situation lies, these cowboys are refilling their Viagra prescriptions at alarming rates, causing a shortage on the world market that results in the very economic unease and impeding doom the two of you seem to be waxing so eloquently about this evening." The one old timer said to me "You're full of shit." I threw $10 on the bar, nodded to Jaime (the bartender), got up to leave, and said "Okay."
I was off on that date of the Fleetwood Mac concert. It wasn't yesterday. It's not until late April. So Fran has plenty of time to come through with this backstage pass thing. I'll keep you posted.
The guy hosting the trivia game last night was really tearing it up with his IPod thingy. At one point he played this tune by Men At Work that I hadn't heard in a while - Be Good Johnny and it's worth a listen - silly in a way, but pretty good. I went on for 10 minutes about it to everyone around me. Poor people just go to a bar to relax for a few hours and have to put up with me babbling about Colin Hay. Life isn't fair.
Be Good Be Good
Be Good Be Good
-TBFH
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