Astute observers of this blog will notice that Google has some stupid feature called "Followers." (Which is silly, and slightly disturbing.) Anyway, I've had 8 "Followers" for awhile (although I know tons of folks follow the blog without signing up as "Followers"). Well, Kinga signed up recently as the 9th and the only reason I bring it up is that the picture she put on here, while nice, really doesn't quite do her justice. I don't know how much of a hassle it is to sign up as a "Follower," but as long as no one is stalking me, feel free I guess. I've been stalked (twice) and it's not fun - I know, I know, it seems like fun - what with all the weird notes on your windshield and repeated and unwanted calls to your workplace (not to mention the freaky nude pictures, promises of supremely kinky sex, etc...), but it gets old after awhile. It really does. Stalkers, at least the 2 I've dealt with -are died in the wool members of the Democrat Party. Seriously. Maybe they're stalking old Barry now. I have no idea.
I went into McDonald's Saturday and ordered a Fillet O Fish and large Dr. Pepper (neither was for me exactly). And I go over to the drink station and pour the DP and come back to wait for the McFish. And this kid, maybe 10 or 11 years old, grabs a bag of food and runs out the door with his mother. I didn't think much of it (it was McDonald's on a Saturday afternoon, you expect it to be slow service). But, I'm standing around for like 5-7 minutes and still waiting for one stinking McFish and the manager finally asks me what I ordered. So I told her and she said "Damn honey, I think someone stole your food." And I said "OK." She said "Hold on a minute and we'll make things right." So, at this point that 10 or 11 year old kid's mother comes back in and gives a cashier hell over her getting the wrong order. Now, normally I'd stay out of this kind of thing, but I was just in the mood (plus worried to death over what the manager had in mind to "make things right"). So I said to this crazy lady "Your son grabbed the 1st bag of food they put on the counter and ran out with it. It's hardly these pitiful people's faults you drove away with a McFish." And this lady says to me "Who axed you boy?? And watsa a McFish?" I said "Madam, a McFish is something they sell here that I'm certain resembles the odor of your skanky coochie." Well, this McFish stealing, McFish coochie-smelling mom didn't like that at all. Luckily for me, just at that moment, the manager hands me a bag of food with like free apple pies and french fries bursting out of the bag. And I said to her "Thanks, I gotta run." And she said "Wait, one last thing. I heard you accuse that woman of having a Mcfish smelling coochie." I said "Yep. So?" The manager said "Well open the bag I just gave you and inhale deeply. When you do you'll get the distinct aroma of my apple pie pussy baby." And I dropped that bag of food and took off from that McDonald's pretty quickly. And yes, there was an extra oomph in my gait as I raced out the door.
I see where there is serious trouble in paradise. Over the weekend, Oprah gave a commencement address at Duke (which is priceless in and of itself) and she ripped into old Barry pretty hard as she extolled the virtues of capitalism and making a killing in life if you work hard to achieve it. Oprah must have missed the whole memo last fall about old Barry wanting to "spread the wealth around a little." Anyway, now that old Barry is going forward with his wealth spreading agenda at a feverish pace, Oprah is getting pissed. And me, I'm laughing. Of course the other reason that Oprah might be turning on old Barry is that with Wanda Sykes apparently coming on board as old Barry's latest threesome participant, she's standing up for Gail and showing the world how meaningful their friendship and long-term physical relationship is to her. And I find that honorable. I give Oprah all the credit in the world on this one. Let old Barry and Wanda Sykes have their new thing. You go sister. Be strong. I'm every woman. Damn right!
I was out last night at Get Bent Lounge for awhile and J comes up to me and says "We've got a question for you." And I said "Who is we?" J says "George and me." I said "What?" J says "When the ball goes over the base and then twists into foul territory and the 3rd baseman..." And I said "Damn J, I've been back for 30 seconds, let me sit down for like 1 minute before you start peppering me with asinine sports questions." J said "How about music questions..."
Geilfuss was out for a bit last night and evidently he has found some company who he has hoodwinked into hiring him for an actual normal 9-5 job. And when I found out what company it is, and realized that I am a long time customer of this company, I got on the phone and cancelled any ties I have with this company immediately. I'd be crazy not to. I did manage to ask Geilfuss the one important question about his new employment though "Is it shoes optional?"
I was out Friday afternoon getting a little work done on my car and the clerk says to me "We offer 10% off if you voted for Obama." I said "How could anyone possibly prove they voted for Obama?" She said "Oh, they don't have to. They just say they did and we give them the 10% off." I said "Well, I don't vote. So, I guess I'm not eligible for the discount." The woman said "Just tell me you voted for Obama and you'll get the discount." I said "But I'd be a liar." She said "Okay, suit yourself. But there may be one more way we can work out a little discount for you." And I thought - Oh fuck, here we go again. She looked down to her chest, half retarded and half seductive and said "Care to take a little ride on me for that 10% off." I said "But that would make me a common whore." She said "Well, I wouldn't know about that, but I've got your car key and if you ever want to get out of here this afternoon, you'll give me the ride I want baby." And I thought - How do I keep getting myself into these situations? So, I said "Well, let's get it over with. But you better not take 10% off my bill for this." She said "Why honey? Don't you want that discount?" I said, as she unlatched her bra and her enormous breasts popped all over the cash register, "I do have some standards. And not being a whore is one of them. So, I'm not doing you for a discount." She said "That's a pretty warped sense of morality you have." I said "I know, I know..." She asked one last thing as she tossed her panties over the Slim Jim rack, "Where did you get this warped sense of morality from baby?" I said, as always "The fucking Mormons ma'am." And then things got unpleasant for me. They really did. At least I managed to get my hands on a 40 while she was grinding me up against the Frito rack. Good old St. Ides...
I was watching the show with the girl who starred in Jerry Springer: Ringmaster! last week and they had Norm McDonald on there. And I hadn't seen Norm McDonald in a number of years. He was basically doing his Burt Reynolds impersonation on this show with the girl who starred in Jerry Springer: Ringmaster! and I always found his impersonation pretty damn funny on the SNL Celebrity Jeopardy. And I always found the girl who starred in Jerry Springer: Ringmaster! pretty damned attractive. So, that's something at least...
And all the world is football shaped
It's just for me to kick in space
And I can see, hear, smell, touch, taste
And I 've got 1,2,3,4,5
Senses working overtime...
I went into McDonald's Saturday and ordered a Fillet O Fish and large Dr. Pepper (neither was for me exactly). And I go over to the drink station and pour the DP and come back to wait for the McFish. And this kid, maybe 10 or 11 years old, grabs a bag of food and runs out the door with his mother. I didn't think much of it (it was McDonald's on a Saturday afternoon, you expect it to be slow service). But, I'm standing around for like 5-7 minutes and still waiting for one stinking McFish and the manager finally asks me what I ordered. So I told her and she said "Damn honey, I think someone stole your food." And I said "OK." She said "Hold on a minute and we'll make things right." So, at this point that 10 or 11 year old kid's mother comes back in and gives a cashier hell over her getting the wrong order. Now, normally I'd stay out of this kind of thing, but I was just in the mood (plus worried to death over what the manager had in mind to "make things right"). So I said to this crazy lady "Your son grabbed the 1st bag of food they put on the counter and ran out with it. It's hardly these pitiful people's faults you drove away with a McFish." And this lady says to me "Who axed you boy?? And watsa a McFish?" I said "Madam, a McFish is something they sell here that I'm certain resembles the odor of your skanky coochie." Well, this McFish stealing, McFish coochie-smelling mom didn't like that at all. Luckily for me, just at that moment, the manager hands me a bag of food with like free apple pies and french fries bursting out of the bag. And I said to her "Thanks, I gotta run." And she said "Wait, one last thing. I heard you accuse that woman of having a Mcfish smelling coochie." I said "Yep. So?" The manager said "Well open the bag I just gave you and inhale deeply. When you do you'll get the distinct aroma of my apple pie pussy baby." And I dropped that bag of food and took off from that McDonald's pretty quickly. And yes, there was an extra oomph in my gait as I raced out the door.
I see where there is serious trouble in paradise. Over the weekend, Oprah gave a commencement address at Duke (which is priceless in and of itself) and she ripped into old Barry pretty hard as she extolled the virtues of capitalism and making a killing in life if you work hard to achieve it. Oprah must have missed the whole memo last fall about old Barry wanting to "spread the wealth around a little." Anyway, now that old Barry is going forward with his wealth spreading agenda at a feverish pace, Oprah is getting pissed. And me, I'm laughing. Of course the other reason that Oprah might be turning on old Barry is that with Wanda Sykes apparently coming on board as old Barry's latest threesome participant, she's standing up for Gail and showing the world how meaningful their friendship and long-term physical relationship is to her. And I find that honorable. I give Oprah all the credit in the world on this one. Let old Barry and Wanda Sykes have their new thing. You go sister. Be strong. I'm every woman. Damn right!
I was out last night at Get Bent Lounge for awhile and J comes up to me and says "We've got a question for you." And I said "Who is we?" J says "George and me." I said "What?" J says "When the ball goes over the base and then twists into foul territory and the 3rd baseman..." And I said "Damn J, I've been back for 30 seconds, let me sit down for like 1 minute before you start peppering me with asinine sports questions." J said "How about music questions..."
Geilfuss was out for a bit last night and evidently he has found some company who he has hoodwinked into hiring him for an actual normal 9-5 job. And when I found out what company it is, and realized that I am a long time customer of this company, I got on the phone and cancelled any ties I have with this company immediately. I'd be crazy not to. I did manage to ask Geilfuss the one important question about his new employment though "Is it shoes optional?"
I was out Friday afternoon getting a little work done on my car and the clerk says to me "We offer 10% off if you voted for Obama." I said "How could anyone possibly prove they voted for Obama?" She said "Oh, they don't have to. They just say they did and we give them the 10% off." I said "Well, I don't vote. So, I guess I'm not eligible for the discount." The woman said "Just tell me you voted for Obama and you'll get the discount." I said "But I'd be a liar." She said "Okay, suit yourself. But there may be one more way we can work out a little discount for you." And I thought - Oh fuck, here we go again. She looked down to her chest, half retarded and half seductive and said "Care to take a little ride on me for that 10% off." I said "But that would make me a common whore." She said "Well, I wouldn't know about that, but I've got your car key and if you ever want to get out of here this afternoon, you'll give me the ride I want baby." And I thought - How do I keep getting myself into these situations? So, I said "Well, let's get it over with. But you better not take 10% off my bill for this." She said "Why honey? Don't you want that discount?" I said, as she unlatched her bra and her enormous breasts popped all over the cash register, "I do have some standards. And not being a whore is one of them. So, I'm not doing you for a discount." She said "That's a pretty warped sense of morality you have." I said "I know, I know..." She asked one last thing as she tossed her panties over the Slim Jim rack, "Where did you get this warped sense of morality from baby?" I said, as always "The fucking Mormons ma'am." And then things got unpleasant for me. They really did. At least I managed to get my hands on a 40 while she was grinding me up against the Frito rack. Good old St. Ides...
I was watching the show with the girl who starred in Jerry Springer: Ringmaster! last week and they had Norm McDonald on there. And I hadn't seen Norm McDonald in a number of years. He was basically doing his Burt Reynolds impersonation on this show with the girl who starred in Jerry Springer: Ringmaster! and I always found his impersonation pretty damn funny on the SNL Celebrity Jeopardy. And I always found the girl who starred in Jerry Springer: Ringmaster! pretty damned attractive. So, that's something at least...
And all the world is football shaped
It's just for me to kick in space
And I can see, hear, smell, touch, taste
And I 've got 1,2,3,4,5
Senses working overtime...
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