Looks like I might finally be getting over my bout with the pig flu. It's been a few hours since I last oinked anyway. So, I'm feeling better at least. It wasn't too bad except for the oinking. The oinking was a bit of an annoyance or nuisance or something like an annoyance or nuisance. I found the best way to combat the pig flu is to bear down and keep drinking. So, I bore down and kept drinking. It was tough, don't get me wrong - but I pulled through the only way I know how. If anyone else feels themselves coming down with the pig flu, and you'll know if you are by the oinking, my tip is to get yourself some bourbon and go to a Kentucky Derby party. Other than that tip, I can't help you. I'm not a doctor, nor did I portray one on a bad 70's medical drama. So,...
I stumbled into this place last Friday night around 10:45 and I had never been in there before. A guy had told me about it a few weeks ago and I finally got around to showing up there (it was called Dirtdogz). And I gotta tell you, it was one of the worst bars I've ever entered in my entire life (and I realize that is quite a statement). To give you a visual, I walked in and it resembled the canteen scene from Star Wars. The band playing featured 6 old midgets rocking out Pink Floyd. I walk over toward the bar and before I can even sit down, an atrociously putrid woman grabs my arm and pulls me over to a table where 2 of her friends were sitting. And one of her friends says "Here sit with us." And I said "I really need to go over to the bar and drink quickly before I can talk to any of you." And the atrociously putrid one who grabbed me said "Who said I wanted to do any talking?" And I said "Ladies, I'll be right over here (and pointed at the bar)." So they let me go and the one who grabbed me starts grinding on a midget bass player from the band - he shaved his head and resembled a tiny Mr. Clean. And this woman was gyrating all over this Mr. Clean bassist. I sit down and there is a guy next to me and he starts going on about the Pink Floyd song these guys are playing (it was Gravy Train if anyone cares). So, I got in a 10 minute pointless conversation with this guy about how Pink Floyd is awful and the complete opposite of art. Then he hit me with this line, and I should have seen it coming, I really should "Well how about Led Zeppelin? Surely you like them. They're the greatest band ever." And I didn't want to keep insulting the guy's taste in music - but I did anyway. It turned out he was in love with one of the bartenders who wouldn't give him the time of day, and blah, blah, blah...I stuck around and thoroughly enjoyed the awful midget cover band and eventually a normal guy sat down and we kind of chatted about track and field (he's a track coach evidently). So, things were better and the 3 hags who grabbed me when I first came in decided to take off about 12:30 and I escaped from them relatively unscathed. I stuck around til the midget band quit playing and took off. I might go back. The people in there were awesomely awful.
I just went over to a potluck one of the groups here in the office is having to celebrate the end of the project for them (not quite over for me yet, about another week or so). And I told them "thanks" and "you all did a great job" and they did do a good job. So, I was headed out the door and they said "Wait. We got you a gift." And they didn't need to do that. What nice people - giving a gift to an asshole like me. I'm gonna go back in there and get some food here in a bit. Generally I am anti potluck, but it smelled really good. And since I don't get homemade meals very often, I'm gonna take advantage. I eat bar food almost exclusively. And that is very hit and miss. Obviously.
I ran into Khaki Pants again Saturday night - late, late Saturday night. And true to her word, she was wearing something other than khaki pants. She was wearing, get this, this is shocking, a khaki dress with some khaki jacket thing with a shiny zipper. And of course, Khaki Pants had the zipper down low enough so her cleavage was all over the bar. She was heaving them out there as always. And I wasn't in a real good state to speak to her (I was fighting the pig flu and had drunk way too much bourbon for the Kentucky Derby). So, I was standing there and I don't remember what she was saying exactly, but I look down and she's holding my hand and I said "Can you let go of my hand please?" Khaki Pants said "Why baby, don't you like me. Don't you want me?" And I guess she was in the bag too. I have no idea. And I kind of wiggled away from her and said something to escape her clutches and wandered about 10 feet away to the bar. I ordered a Jack and Ginger and was nursing that and she comes over to me after a 1/2 hour or something and starts talking about a threesome. And I didn't have the energy to argue with her at that point. So I said something like "If you wore something that didn't make your ass look so fat, I might pretend to be interested Khaki Pants. But, you aren't and I'm dead drunk. And I just wanna finish this drink and go to bed." She protested for a minute. But I got away unscathed again. Barely.
I saw where Joe Biden is telling people not to get on airplanes or subways because of the pig flu. And I, for one, appreciate his candor. It took great guts and courage, in the face of all common sense and rational thought, for Joe Biden to scare the American people like that. Only a man of great wisdom would make himself look like a complete moronic, misinformed doofus to scare the hell out of travellers and commuters for no good reason. Well done Joe Biden. You are a beacon of gaffe. And when Joe Biden got the inevitable call from old Barry, thanking him for his words of caution and wisdom, do you think old Barry allowed him to go down an that hideously ugly, butch looking, Homeland Insecurity woman as a "Thanks Joe, you rock!" It's a possibility. I know old Barry likes to reward his underlings and mindless minions for jobs well done. Old Barry is just that kind of guy. Sexual favors all around!!! And I say kudos to old Barry for that. It's really heartwarming that he wants his team to be rewarded for gaffes by allowing, even facilitating, the performance of cunnilingus on putrid butch women.
I just ate over at the potluck and it was pretty tasty. And they were applauding each other for all the hard work and stuff. It was nice. God knows I don't deserve to be part of it. I felt a little guilty. And one of the ladies in charge was giving out gifts, and I swear I'm not making this up, the gifts were Barack Hussein Obama souvenirs (wallets, key chains, etc.). And I was nice. I didn't mock. I said "Thanks again." And I took off - rolling my eyes and shaking my head. Old Barry - he's got people wrapped around his little finger. Poor bastard.
Regarding the picture at the top of this entry - I got a call from Geilfuss one day last November, and there was a huge trivia game that night, and he said he was gonna rock a Mohawk for the game. And I hope the picture gives you a sense of just how hard he rocked the Mohawk that night. And Geilfuss was vital to our finishing 3rd and taking home $250 or whatever it was, because without Geilfuss, instead of finishing 3rd, we would have finished 3rd . And I wanted to give him credit for that. Dan and I missed a question on American Presidents that night - and that should never happen. Disgraceful. I bet Dan is still bummed about it. I am.
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