The bums are out in full force today. I walked over to the Wachovia ATM and some dude is sitting on the steps near the ATM and says to me "Excuse me sir." And I replied "Don't call me sir, dude." Then he mumbled something as I was walking by about being down on his luck or something. I turned around and said "Isn't old Barry taking care of you now? I mean he's been in office for 4 months. And he's surely strutted down Baltimore St. handing out some benjamins from the stimulating packages deal by now, right?" And this guy mumbled something else. I didn't think much of it. But after I finished at the ATM and started walking away, this bum starts following me, yelling "Sir, sir!" And I turned around and said "Dude, I've only got twenties on me and I'm not giving you a dime, much less a twenty. Have a great afternoon." And then I walked across the street and was on my way. Earlier I was walking over to the 7-11 and right outside the door a bum (probably high on crack) was screaming at the owner of the 7-11 franchise. The bum was screaming something like "Go back to your country. This is my street motherfucker." As I walked passed the bum into the store I said "Excuse me." And I walked in and over to the drink machine. I kept hearing the bum, as he was repeatedly screaming at the owner the same silly xenophobic phrase for another 30 seconds or so. Then suddenly, the owner jumped over the counter with a Louisville Slugger and chased the bum out onto Howard Street. I was laughing pretty hard at that point. When I checked out, I asked the owner if he wished he had connected with the bat to the bum's head. The owner said, in a thick Pakistani accent "Yea boss, I want see his brain flies all over light rail track. But I figure might slow down rail all afternoons. With alls people coming down light rail witnessing to O's game tonight, that might adversely affect our downtown economies." And I said, as I walked to the door to leave "Very civic minded of you there, Pakistan man."
Out last night again at Patrick Bateman's for the semi-final round of the big trivia championship and it was dicey for awhile. We were playing terribly for a stretch in the 2nd half. But then they asked what R rated movie has made the most money ever at the domestic box office. And that was too easy. Then for the final question they listed a bunch of things like Hedgehog, Yellow Knight, Silky Grey, Blue Foot, and Fruity Ring and wanted to know what they all were. We got that one too. So, we ended up in 2nd place and advanced to the big game tomorrow night. Alas, Nana's crew, Greek Gods/Jacobys, and Munson all failed to advance. It was a really hard game. No one should be embarrassed about playing poorly, except us. We should have done considerably better than we did. I was getting a little frustrated for awhile. The only game I really care about winning is the championship game, but to be in the championship you have to navigate the regular season and playoff games. And if you go through all the time and effort and come up short in reaching the title game - it is really frustrating. But we made it. And yes, at the championship game Saturday, Geilfuss will be rocking a Mohawk and Andy will as well (although to be fair to Andy, he will have Mama Stills make his a real old-school Mohawk, while Geilfuss will just gel his up into a peak at the top a la The Birdman). Me, no Mohawk. I'll probably just show up and answer a few questions. I might know a couple. I know a few things. I've gotten a few right over the years - from time to time anyway.
One Saturday night 2 years ago in May, there was a championship game for the same trivia competition as the one being contested tomorrow - the one where Geilfuss will rock the Mohawk. Anyway, at this big game 2 years ago(we were calling ourselves Horseless Headmen at the time - we retired that name. We've retired a number of names over the years- Black Ops), it was pretty interesting what happened. Now, at that time, our team was a little different than what it has evolved into now. Back then, we had a team that consisted of folks from where Jeff works (he does his operations at St. Joe's in the town where Elaine Benes is from), their spouses, friends, and even kids on occasion. Oh, and me. Here's how Jeff and I met: One night at a trivia game at Patrick Bateman's in January or February of 2007, I stumbled into the place, not even knowing that they had trivia there on Thursday nights. But I stuck around and played the game by myself and won the thing (my team name that evening was Miles Standoffish - maybe the best name I've ever come up with - and it will never be used again, it's permanently retired). So I came back the next week and Jeff comes up to me and says "Hey, why don't you come and sit in with us for the rest of the season (there were only 2 weeks left in that particular regular season I believe)?" I said "Why would I do that? I killed you last time by myself." Now, I was all prepared to walk away from the guy and just go on like normal. But, then Jeff said this, and it's so rare when someone says something this smart to me - "You should play with us because we're going to qualify for the playoffs and even if you win the last 2 games of the season, you probably won't." And he was right. So, I decided to try it out with them and after a very short time, I liked them all. They are really good people. And they were so nice to me. That first season we played together I think we came in 5th at the title game. But the next season was the one I'm describing that wrapped up in May 2007. I was out of town most of the spring and got back just in time for the last game of the season and we had to pull out a squeaker just to make the playoffs on that last game. We then cruised in the semifinal game. And that gets us back to the Saturday in May 2007. We had Jeff, Alan, Alan's friend Damon (he's an architect, just like George Costanza pretends to be), Alan's wife Tammy, Alan's son JT, a really nice lady who works with them, this lady's friend, and me. We were drinking pitchers of Blue Moon that night for some reason. And the 1st half of that game, we were struggling - badly. We were way behind. The team that was out in front was, you guessed it, Getting The Crabs. So we're not doing too hot. Then on like question 12 or 13, we caught fire (or, I caught fire to be accurate, but it's a team game and I'm a humble guy, so...). We made a furious run to move into 2nd place. And I don't remember all the questions, but I can tell you that they asked a question about the Masters and another about James Gandolfini. So, the last question comes up and we were in 2nd after this hot streak, but still 10 points behind Getting The Crabs. Luckily, you can bet up to 15 points on the last question - similar to Jeopardy. Then they asked the last question (or as I always call it - the Great Equalizer). And the question was this - In what year (within 5) was the Gatling Gun patented? Now, I walked out to the patio and started pacing and chain smoking. And I came up with a reasonable guess after about 2 &1/2 minutes. I walked back in and asked the others on the team what they had come up with. And we were within 6 years on our separate answers. So, we hedged by going with 5 years after what we though could be the earliest possible year (a strategy I highly recommend on year questions - see I've just given all the trivia players who read this blog a free tip). We decided to bet the most allowable - 15. So, Alan takes the answer up and we wait while the guy running the the thing tallies up the final scores. About 5 minutes pass and they announce the year that the patent was granted for the Gatling Gun. And we were 4 years off. Bingo! We put 1865 and it was 1861. Then we waited about 30 seconds while the final results were read. And it turns out what happened is this - we won the damn thing!!! Getting the Crabs bet too few points and we passed them. And then we went a little wild. I'm guessing I was making a bit of a spectacle out of the whole thing. Then we had some more Blue Moon and took off. We haven't won the title since. But for one night, the Horseless Headmen ruled the world. It wasn't too many months after that we merged with Andy and Dan and morphed into whatever we call ourselves at any particular time (Order of the Elephant at the moment). Most importantly though, these guys have become my really good friends. And none of it would have happened if Jeff hadn't approached me that one night in Jan or Feb 2007. The night I was prepared to shun his offer and keep playing alone. But I didn't shun his offer after some thought. And the rest is what it is...
I'm not sure how many teenage guys read my blog at this point (most of them would appreciate some of the sophomoric humor I'm guessing), but if any teenage guys are reading or other regular readers know some teenage dudes, here's a tip from me: take a girl out to an ice cream parlor type place. Have her order a sundae or banana split or something that has a cherry on top. Then when the sundae or whatever is delivered to the table and the girl you are on this date with starts in on the thing with a spoon, say this to her at some point before she eats the cherry- "Would you mind if I have your cherry tonight?" It's pretty funny and, if anyone is curious, yes it can work if the girl has low enough self-esteem and father issues. Trust me on that.
I was watching a show last week that had to do with karaoke. I think it was called - Did I Forget The Damn Lyrics? It was pretty stupid. Anyway, Meatloaf was on there with his daughter. And as bad as Meatloaf is, it turns out his daughter is 10 times worse. She couldn't sing at all. Pitiful. They made complete asses of themselves on this lyrics show.
One question I keep getting from newer readers of this blog is this - Is Geilfuss a real person? And the answer to that is more complex than you might think. But the simple answer is - Yes, he's all too real. And if anyone doesn't believe me, just wander down to Eutah St. this evening, look around Sliders, and when you see the kid Mary is trying desperately to get away from, that will be Geilfuss. So, at that point, I would encourage you to approach him and ask him this always pertinent question - "How many pairs of shoes have you lost this week?" The other question about Geilfuss people want to know is this - What is his first name? And normally I wouldn't divulge such a secret on this blog. But, Geilfuss has a brother, and evidently this brother is the anti-Geilfuss, by that I mean that this brother is a good, moral person (in fact I believe this brother goes to the same church as the Jacobys). And since I don't want anyone meeting the good Geilfuss and getting him confused with the real Geilfuss, and thus having a low opinion of the good Geilfuss based on all the stories about the real Geilfuss I've told on this blog, I will reveal the real Geilfuss' first name - John. There you go. All is revealed on this blog. I give nothing but the unadulterated truth. Can you handle the truth? The truth is out there. True faith. Faith No More. Faith Hill. Cypress Hill. Benny Hill. Glenallen Hill. One Tree Hill. Three Dog Night. Dog Is A Best Friend's Dog...
Someone told me I was too harsh on Solo My Ear a few days ago. So, since I'm a reasonable and open minded person, I will take another look at her and see if I can come to a kinder conclusion about her appearance. And I'm gonna google image her again right now...I just did...And my new impression is this - not only does she look like a bag lady, but if you study her immense jowls for a few seconds, you get the impression that somewhere back in her family tree you might unearth a Mastiff.
Alright, just got a text from Geilfuss, and apparently he has made a home-made Weiters jersey for the game tonight. I'm gonna need a few beers I think to get through this...It's gonna be a hot mess.
I should have stayed around to break the ice,
I thought about it once or twice
But nothing ever changes
Unless there's some pain...
Peace - TBFH
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