Getting Flashed By Hick Band Camp Girls In Ada, Ohio

I was at this soccer camp one time in August of 1988. It was being held in some god forsaken town called Ada, Ohio. There couldn't have been more than 3 stop lights in Ada. There is a school there called Ohio Northern University - I believe their nickname is the Polar Bears (although I did not see one polar bear walking around the campus the entire time - which was disappointing for me, but it was August and it was Ohio and that meant it was 95 degrees and humid every day - probably not conducive to attracting many polar bears). Ohio Northern is where this soccer camp was held. And it was one of the most bizarre weeks of my life - which I realize is really saying something. There were 3 different schools' boys soccer teams at this camp. The old Wellington School probably had about 20 or 25 kids there.

The first thing was the dorms - they were not air conditioned. And I'd never stayed a night in my life anywhere without air conditioning (except camping trips) that I can recall. My roommate was this kid named James Gore. He was a menacing looking guy. While pretty bad at soccer, he was a nationally ranked guy in jujitsu or one of those Asian deals (actually James was kind of half-Asian himself or something, I never asked him about his parentage I don't think). James and I were never really close friends or anything in school or on the soccer team, but I was sure glad he was my roommate and I'm gonna explain why now. There was a kid 1 or 2 classes below my class in school named Lon Dicks. And I'd had an issue with Lon Dicks the previous school year. I had a health class with him (I have no idea why they made us take health by the way - and I about vomited watching the video in health class where some brunette woman with a way too hairy vagina gives birth - disgusting). What Lon Dicks would do sometimes in this health class is stare at me - for like 5 to 7 minutes straight. I had to keep telling him to stop it. But worse than the staring was this - Lon was straining his torso area hard against the table he was sitting at while staring at me. And this led me to believe that Lon Dicks had a massive erection when he was staring at me in this health class. And everyone who knows me, knows that I don't get freaky like that. So, bearing in mind that I'd already had an issue with Lon Dicks the previous school year (he would also try and guard me in basketball practice when we would scrimmage the JV and he was really sweaty and smelly and grabbed me any chance he got when I had the great misfortune of wandering under the hoop - Gross.), his dorm room was down maybe 2 from James' and mine. And I distinctly remember the first night we were there, I got up and went out into the hall to go over to the bathroom and sitting outside the dorm room door staring straight ahead in near total darkness at the dorm room door was Lon Dicks. I told him to go to his room and that he was really freaking me out. So the 2nd night passes and I didn't get up to go to the bathroom. I actually slept OK (probably from being dead tired from the camp). So, I don't know what Lon Dicks was up to that night. But the 3rd night, really late, like around 3 maybe; I wake up and turn over. And what do I see standing right over me inches from the bed? It's Lon Dicks. Now he wasn't naked - he had on some type of shorts. He dashed out too quickly for me to discern what his level of arousal was when I awoke. To be honest, I was half worried that I was having a dream. So I said something to James and he answered and I said something like "Lon Dicks was just in here staring at me." And James answered me. So I knew I wasn't dreaming. And James' answer was "I'm gonna kick his fucking ass when I get the chance." The next day Lon Dicks was denying he did it all over the place. And I don't think I ever worried about Lon Dicks again, because James scared the hell out of him that day. It was very fortuitous for me to end up with James Gore as my roommate that week, because with him being a martial arts bad ass and all, once he struck the fear of God into Lon Dicks, my life was a little easier. Because it's no fun being stalked by a 16 year old cro-magnon looking dude who stares at you all the time and gets all grabby when you're practicing basketball. It's really not. (Note - there's another story about Lon Dicks that I will try and remember to tell at some point. It's ridiculous.)

The 2nd thing about this soccer camp was the cafeteria situation and the almost brawl that resulted from the cafeteria situation. First here's how me and 5 other guys got banned from the cafeteria for several meals. As I said earlier there were 2 other soccer teams there at this camp. There was also a band camp going on across the campus. And it seemed like there were over a hundred kids at this band camp. And they were hicks. Let me just put it like this - almost every member of whatever band or bands attended this camp had a Joe Elliott Band t-shirt (this was when Hysteria was still the most popular album of the year) they wore at some point and all the guys at this band camp had mullets (mainly the Kentucky Waterfall if memory serves). Now, there were several guys at this camp from our team who got bored easily and didn't always direct their boredom in the most positive direction. What happened was that about 6 of us started throwing food over at the band camp people - it never escalated into a food fight because none of the band camp kids would fight back. I was aiming jello at as many girls with the big 80s hair as possible. I think my friends were doing similarly. So this goes on for several meals and we get warned and warned and warned to stop throwing food at these band camp kids. But, we didn't stop. So, what the bad camp leaders worked out with our coach is that we were banned from the cafeteria for like 3 meals. We ended up eating at a Hardee's nearby or a DQ I think. So, the animosity has kind of built up between the 6 of us throwing the food and the band camp kids and their leaders. The last night we were there we decided to walk over to the band camp kids' dorm area and taunt them. And the story gets a little complicated at this point as my memory is a little fuzzy on the details exactly because it happened 21 years ago. But here is what I definitely recall- 1) Getting into a fight with some of the mullet haired hick boys that didn't last very long because the band camp directors broke it up (I never even threw a punch myself as I was trying to convince David Kaucheck not to run away from the fight and before I knew it the whole thing was over). 2) Being lectured/threatened by some guy who was the band director. The reason I remember this is because as the guy was giving us hell, I casually answered to him, when he basically asked why we had to be such preppy assholes: "I'm sorry sir, but we're bored as fuck in this awful place and I take exception to you calling these other kids assholes..." And why I remember this so clearly is because after the band director guy took off Morgan Howie and Larry Forlenza were going on and on about how I so naturally used the word fuck with this person of authority. I don't know how we didn't get into any trouble for this. There were no consequences at all. I mean we were pretty stupid, trying to pick a fight with like 50 guys and there were 6 of us. 3) This is what I remember most of all. About 10-15 minutes after the band director guy went into his dorm, we were still standing out there in front of the band dorm and trying to get some of the band camp girls' attention. Several dorm rooms of girls noticed us and we were yelling for them to sneak out and they were yelling down to us that the dorm had been put on lock down by the people running the band camp. So, what happened next is the girls kind of moved away from the windows and then when they came back in front of the windows, about 8 of them started taking turns flashing us. I was standing there with Rob Mason and Morgan as this was happening and we just started laughing. It was the 1st time I'd ever seen that many hick tits at once. The show went on for several minutes until some woman in charge of the girl campers caught them and made them stop. I had no idea that girls at band camp were so wild (remember that this predates American Pie by 11 years). If I had known about band camp girls we might have spent the previous nights out in front of their dorm trying to get them to sneak out. You couldn't have blamed us.

The problem at that point of the evening was that it was still only like 10:00. So, since this was our final night in wonderful Ada we decided to wander out to the main drag and flag down some local girls riding by. It didn't take long until there were 6 of us and 4 of these country girls all crammed into/on some kind of Chevy Chevette (I was on top of the hatchback thing myself - which is slightly dangerous I guess). They found some joint to buy some beer and the rest of the night is pretty blurry. I think I spent most of the time trying to convince Dave to have more than 1 beer. I don't think we got back to the dorm until 3 or so. I do wonder why our coach (his name is escaping me) was so lax about letting the 6 of us do whatever we wanted that week. It wasn't like free reign/no rules were extended to all the seniors or anything (only 3 of us were seniors, 2 were juniors, and one kid was a sophomore). I have no idea.

As far as how the actual soccer went, we didn't get much better evidently from the camp because we had a miserable season. I think we won like 6 or 7 games and lost or tied like 11 or 12. Me, I ended up getting benched at one point in the season for 2 or 3 games- girl problems, obviously. My head wasn't in it there for awhile that fall.

Also, August 1988 was the 1st time I heard the name J Danforth Quayle (my main, main, main man). And the album that I ended up listening to almost continuously at one point 2 summers later in 1990 was really getting popular and it contains these lyrics on the last track-

I'm a sexual innuendo

In this burned out paradise

I'm Out- TBFH