The 1st Grade Teacher Learns A Nasty Truth

Well I ran into Keith again last night at Turquoise Terrapin and he pointed out that I'd maybe messed up on some lyrics I used at the bottom of one entry. And I think I like what he thinks it is, more than what I did. So, I'm gonna change it. Also, if someone knows as much about Paul Westerberg lyrics as I do, they can't be all bad. And Keith had a request - and I'm gonna fulfill it now with another pointless and utterly nonsensical episode of IF I Could Ask Barry. As always, it might go something like this -

Barry - You again? I was just talking about you with Netanyahu on the phone. Damn, where ya been brother?

TBFH - Deep underground sir. I feel like I'm being watched constantly.

Barry - Good, I told my homeys in ACORN to have some pipe hitting brothers follow you around to put a good scare into you. How ya like that, you blue eyed devil you?

TBFH - It's not that great sir. Anyway, dare I ask why you and Netanyahu were talking about me?

Barry - I was asking him if you had any ties to Israeli intelligence. Now, I realize that phrase might strike some of my good Muslim allies as an oxymoron - Israeli intelligence. Ha!! Get it???... You're not laughing my young padawan.

TBFH - Yes. Yes. I get it. You're a riot these days. And no, I'm not mixed up with Israeli intelligence.

Barry - I know. Netanyahu told me they've got guys tracking you too. What with the Jews and the ACORN pipe hitting brothers and the CIA on your ass, DAMN BROTHER! - I'd hate to be you. Ha!!!

TBFH - OK. Fine. Things are going a little better for you than for me right now. I get it.

Barry - You got a question for me today? Or did you just come out of hiding to get a new pair of shades to hide those devilish blue eyes behind?

TBFH - I was curious what you meant in that speech in Cairo about Arabs inventing "our mastery of pens and paper?" Because I don't recall that being the case at all. In fact it seems like everything you praised Arabs for coming up with throughout history is totally wrong.

Barry - Well, I'll come clean on that. They didn't discover any of that crap I was praising them for coming up with. I was lying to curry favor in the Arab world. As you know, my father is Kenyan and Islam is pretty popular there. In fact in Islamic law, it says that if your father is a Muslim, that you, by definition are a Muslim as well. And I don't really like to publicize this, but by their own definition, I am a Muslim. So, I felt like I needed to tell them a bunch of crap to make them like me, because as I said, I'm basically one of them.

TBFH - Isn't that a little needy and pitiful? I mean buttering them up just so they'll like you? That's not real mature, is it?

Barry - No. Deep down I'm needier than a 13 year old girl with father issues. I admit that. You got me there kid.

TBFH - Ever thought about getting some mental health help for all your issues sir?

Barry - Listen my young comrade, I'm way past the point of being helped. I'm so messed up that nothing can be done. But you, my son, can still be helped. Will you let me hang out with you and maybe watch some football this fall? I can call off the CIA and the ACORN pipe hitting brothers.

TBFH - No thanks sir. I think I'll stick to sitting by myself at Gloomy Daze or BW-3 and catching flack from moronic football fans for hours. Dude, I gotta run. I bought a ticket to see that new Star Track movie and the thing is starting soon. I'm out.

Barry - Peace to you, my son.

I heard from my friend Jen in Durham about the Wipeout post yesterday. And she saw it for the first time last week too. And she agrees with me, it's pretty amusing. So if you haven't seen it, watch it. My preference would be with the sound off, but Jen swears the commentators are funny. And I respect the girl's opinion, but I'm guessing my own comments are way funnier. The only problem is that they couldn't air my comments on ABC because I cuss constantly. I mean over half the words out of my mouth are swear words. It's always been that way. I remember almost nothing about 1st grade, but one thing sticks out - the teacher got tired of hearing me curse in class and polluting the other kids minds. I distinctly remember her (I couldn't tell you the lady's name to save my life) asking me "Who taught you those awful words young man? I demand to know." And I looked up into her stern, craggly old face and said "It's the fucking Mormons ma'am."

I saw Jeff last night at trivia (we destroyed them last night by the way) and he said "Damn man, your blog is turning all dark. I had to quit reading it today at one point. You OK?" And I told him that everything is fine and I'll try and get back to the usual stupidity of my writing. So, I'm making an effort. But, things aren't always rosy and perfect. So I can't swear I won't write anything disturbing again. I sure hope not, but can't swear to it.

I saw where this writer who lives in Cornish, New Hampshire is suing some publishing company for trying to put out an unauthorized sequel to one of his books. I don't read, but I overheard people talking in English classes when I was in college. And they seemed to admire this guy who lives in Cornish, New Hampshire. Evidently there's a character he created like 60 years ago that lots of folks identify with. He doesn't want some knock off sequel ruining this character. And for what it's worth, I hope this writer who lives in Cornish, New Hampshire wins his lawsuit. He seems like a good guy to me and I'd hate for all the people who got something out of the book that featured this beloved anti-hero (that's a word I heard thrown around a lot in prep school English classes) to have their memories of this anti-hero tarnished in any way. In fact, I can see how folks who really liked this book, and maybe read it over 40 times, might be devastated (or in Geilfuss' case, devasted) by the publication of a sequel to this book written by this writer who lives in Cornish, New Hampshire.

Speaking of Geilfuss and reading, in January he wrote on his blog that he was gonna try and read 100 books this year. I asked him last week how far along he is, and he said "Like 8." And I said "Well, it might be time to go to the library and check out some books that are aimed at the under 5 crowd. The ones that are like 10 - 20 pages with huge print and lots of pictures." Andy was laughing pretty hard and then said this "I bet 6 of the 8 he has finished are books aimed at the pre K set." Geilfuss said "Fuck you Andy."

Oh, while I'm thinking about it. O's update - a bunch of us will be out Friday night for the game (I think they're playing the Braves). Anyway, if you wanna hang out for awhile, come by Sliders. I'll walk over to the yard about 6:30 or so (when I'm in town here, I have an office that is like 3 blocks up). Also, if I'm going, that means the O's will win - so place your bets.

Someone left a comment on yesterday's blog that technically The Tonka Turd is in the city - not Dundalk. And I'm guessing the commenter is correct. Why, you may wonder do I assume the commenter is correct? Answer - it was Geilfuss who told me we were in Dundalk. It sure seemed like it could be Dundalk though. It really did.

This 9 to 5 bullshit

Don't let you forget

The suicide you're on