I was sitting across from the old drunk guy last night at the Charred Pork Bucket - only there was a huge problem - he was pretty much as close to stone cold sober as he can be. And that is a recipe for disaster. When he's semi-cogent/coherent, the old drunk guy really tries to participate in answering trivia questions - and that's a problem, because he confuses everyone on many questions. It's much easier to play trivia with him when he's almost passed out drunk. So, this question comes up about what state was devastated by a tornado on June something 1944 - and the old drunk guy was alive back then. And I didn't have any idea. So, after about 2 minutes of him alternately rubbing his face and swigging whiskey, he swears it happened in Delaware - he had totally convinced himself of this. Of course it didn't happen in Delaware. Not even close. Another question about soccer and Mia Hamm comes up. I'm anticipating the old drunk guy to say "Who gives a fuck." Instead he claims he watched every game of the 1999 Women's World Cup (right, of course he did). We missed that question too.Then something comes up about what team from Toronto won Lord Stanley's Cup (I bet his cup smelled and still smells like ball sweat) in 1918. And he keeps saying it was the Blue Jays. I said "Well Dick, I don't think the Blue Jays play hockey, but you were probably alive in 1918, so that's something at least." He said "Go fuck yourself." We missed that question. We were on fire with wrong answers. We somehow won the game in spite of all this (they asked a question about the busiest airports and I travel way too much, so that was way too easy) and after the game was over I offered to buy the old drunk guy a whiskey and water. He said to me "Alright, I'll stick around for a quickie." And then I said "Dick, I don't get freaky like that with dudes." He said to me - one last time - "Go fuck yourself."I was also speaking to Mary last night about her book club meeting with the 10 -12 year old girls (the one that covered the American Girl's Guide to Anal Lubing). She said it went well. I asked if she presented the different strengths and weaknesses of each kind of anal lube - silicone based vs water based. And she said "You are sick." And I said "But Mary, they are gonna need to know this later in life to lead normal active lives and I feel like many parents and teachers are too embarrassed or shy to delve into such important, yet sensitive territory." Mary really didn't seem to agree with me on that. She then told me that the next book these girls will be reading is going to be about their bodies changing and how to find the right bra size and other touchy stuff like that. And I said "Is it illustrated for them?" Mary said "Yes, but with drawings, no pictures." And then the Billy Idol came on the sound system and it was Dancing With Myself and I said "By the way, do any of these illustrations in this next book show the best fingering techniques for masturbation?" Mary said "That would not be appropriate for girls that age." And I said "Well, ok. But good sound advice on the best techniques to use is a lot better and more efficient than the trial and error method. And I remember when I was 12 -the girls were wild. Maybe times have changed. Maybe it's all about chope taking over now." Mary slapped me and we moved on to another topic (I think it was probably about the time Dick was talking about the Toronto Blue Jays being a hockey powerhouse in 1918). The Charred Pork Bucket - what an awful place.
I was out Saturday with Andy and we were at this place called The Brewer's Fart. The micro brews there were pretty tasty. But, there were freaks all over the place - it reminded me of an Obama rally. Unfortunately, the music was loud and I don't think anyone in there heard me screaming over to Andy "Do Obama voters bathe?" Because, these people were not clean - in the biblical sense anyway. Later we went to some place called Dope Walk and the night got very blurry. It really did.
I was hanging out with Geilfuss Sunday night at Get Bent Lounge and J was in there as usual on Sunday. And J was going on and on about bubble teams and I had no idea what he was talking about. He'd say something like "Is USC in or out?" And I'd say "Do you mean the Trojans or the Cocks?" He never did get what I was saying. Also, somehow the topic of mail order brides came up. And I kept encouraging J to look into it. He really should. I think one from Dundalk might be perfect for him. Hell, they could deliver her through standard mail. J could drive out to Blair Rd. with her, then for a weekend could take her downey ocean hon. Geilfuss and I went over to some other bar called PVCs around 1 and ran into some girls we know and they were wasted. Geilfuss said to me "They are gonna spin some wheel and there will be an awesome special afterward." I said "A mail order bride for J?" He laughed.
I was watching a piece of propaganda last night that was produced by this putridly gawky looking girl who is related to the speaker of some house. What she did is go around the country last fall talking to people who supported John McCain for president and had some issue with Barack Hussein Obama. Only she asked the most leading questions to some really not so bright people, which I suppose was to try and suggest that only racist, ignorant, rednecks could possibly of been against old Barry in the election. Of course, I found it fascinating listening to these folks. I didn't really agree with much of what they were saying - but they seemed like the kinds of people that go and fight our wars overseas so liberal elites can sit around Washington and Manhattan worrying about what wine goes with what kind of meat or when is Benetton having a sale or what private kindergarten their poorly named children will get into. As for me, I'll hang with the the McCain supporters any day of the week. They might not be able to talk about the symbolism in Steinbeck or Faulkner novels, but I always get bored with that anyway. This gawky looking freak who produced that documentary and is related to the speaker of some house, she should be ashamed of herself - but I bet she isn't.
Later last night they put on that movie with the guy who played Mike Corleone, the guy who played Fred Flinstone, and the guy who played the dead father on that show set at a funeral home. It was a pretty damn good movie. And the lady in that movie, the one who is in Diner, she looked highly mesmerizing.
Ladies love me, girls adore me, I mean even the ones who never saw me. -TBFH
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