I was out playing trivia the other night and my co-worker Fran was there (I was trying to be a nice guy for once) and Fran is not very good at trivia. So, we're sitting there and a question comes up about some river in Alaska that was used to transport stuff back in the day. And I had a pretty good idea, but then Fran pipes up and says "The Alaskan?" We should have won the game. We were ahead going into the last question and we got it right - something about American Nobel Prize winners in Literature (and I have heard of a few authors over the years, I haven't actually read a book, but...). And this is where Andy is a necessity at trivia. He would have been sure we bet the right amount on this Literature question. He runs the numbers and takes care of all the stuff I hate about trivia - like interacting with the hosts of the various games. He's like a top flight catcher in the big leagues - like Johnny Bench; he makes sure everything goes smoothly. So, we came in 2nd and Fran wants to give me grief about it. And I have to work with this woman - so I was like - "Okay. My fault there Fran. If Andy were here we would have won. What can I do?" And I don't plan on inviting her to trivia again, but she may just show up at this Royal Soak place on Monday's and sit down and be of no help at all. Andy - Help!!!
I was out again last night, playing trivia again, and this time by myself. And this question comes up about female hormones produced in the ovaries. And for a VERY fleeting moment, I wished Fran were there. I missed it obviously. But, I won the game anyway - they asked way too many Bruce Willis questions (4 of them)- and that's too easy. And the last one was a question about the periodic table - and I know almost nothing about science (normally that is in Jeff's wheelhouse), but it was more of an alphabetical order question - what element comes last alphabetically - and I nailed that. I've seen ads that promote cubic zirconia. And I've known a few cheap bastards that buy that crap as gifts. I didn't spell zirconium correctly last night, but I didn't have to, did I?
I was sitting across from some chunky chick (she wasn't fat by any means, just a little chunky or as the brothers say - she was thick) and her man last night at a place called Dumb Woody's Tavern - where the trivia game was. And the guy she was with wasn't heavy at all. So, this chunky chick keeps looking across at me and making these odd faces toward me - I assume it was her pathetic attempt to smile and flirt a bit. So, this guy she was with starts to notice this and keeps grabbing at her and pulling her close to give her these kisses. The whole thing was nauseating. I never even spoke to either of them. I was also chatting with a dude who went to UVA and had lived in DC for a time before moving to the ATL and he was telling me that he got to meet Liz Phair at some club somewhere. And that totally ruined my night. Of course, if I ever met Liz Phair, I would be totally speechless - I'm sure I'd pass out from complete delirium. Liz Fucking Phair.
I was at this other bar at 8 last night and they have tons of TV's in there and some of them are on news channels instead of sports - which I will never understand (Don't people go to bars to get away from the news?). And I look up and see Barack Hussein Obama on the TV and I screamed - "Fuck. That damn brother from Hawaii again." I threw $15 on the bar and ran out of there. Old Barry looked a little flush though - like he'd just finished masturbating to pictures of Helen Thomas - topless. Maybe he was just nervous - I have no idea.
Also, in the McPaper yesterday old Barry was getting ripped again. This time by some chick sportswriter because he didn't fill out a bracket for the women's NCAA tournament. And my only thought was - they're still playing lady's basketball? I couldn't name one person that I've met in my entire life who watches women play basketball who is not a freak, outcast, loser, lesbian, someone with an axe grind, or parolee. It's unwatchable. It sucks. They have no skill. They can't ball. But, if you're down with it - wow - please rethink. I'm getting depressed even contemplating a reader of this blog actually watching the crap. It's way, way worse than watching Oprah. And my head explodes at the thought of watching Oprah - now, if she did a show topless, I still wouldn't tune in - but I would google image it - especially if Gail and Hayden Christensen were each pinching a nipple. Or Dr. Phil's bald head was oiled up and rammed in between her breasts. That would be obscene - but in a funny way. A family friendly way even. Hell, it's Oprah - she can do no wrong. I would still like to market a product called - Jar of Oprah Juice. That would sell like crazy - especially in women's prisons.
I was sitting at a bar on Sunday and the sound system was playing an 80's channel. And the REM comes on, and I say, to no one in particular, "Sitting Fucking Still." And this dude to my left says "What is that?" And I said "One of the best songs you'll ever hear. And then you'll die." And that's the truth.
Note- this is only my best guess of these lyrics. I have debated with people for over 20 years about what Stipe is really saying. I like these words a lot - so in my mind, this is what Stipe is saying.
Up to pine
Katie buys the kitchen set
But not Mary Ann
Sit in traffic
The big hill
Waste of time
Sitting Still
- TBFH
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