Bowling Ball Walks Into A Buffet Line

I am blogging from a bar - so that's something at least.

I was reading this thing about a guy named the Horseless Headman. And I liked his name quite a bit. It was written by some dead guy - whom I assume is a fan of the NY Knicks. I can't swear to that though.

I saw the guy who plays devil's advocate and studies his notes the other night - the guy who looks like Lurch. Anyway, he comes over to me and says "Before you ask, I still haven't found a job." And his hair was really unkempt, so I said "Tom, you're not going on interviews looking like a hobo are you?" And the guy who plays devil's advocate and studies his notes says "Good to see you're still an asshole."

I am enjoying blogging in this bar - they are playing the Steely Dan and I can chain smoke. If there were midget lesbian strippers in here, then life would be perfect.

There was a question at trivia the other night about what some dead Greek guy used to commit suicide and I'm thinking and then Andy says "Shylock?" I said "You mean hemlock?" Andy said "Yes." We lost the game anyway -we were awful. We thought there were only 40 noodles in a condensed can of Campbell's Chicken Noodle Soup. We were way off. Way off.

They are playing The Seeker now and Pete Townsend is one bad bad motherfucker.

I come into this bar quite often for NFL Sunday ticket, when I'm in town here. And I will just say this - there's nothing quite as nerve racking as having a huge bet on a game and being down one score and the team you bet on gets the ball with less than 4 minutes left and JP Losman trots out onto the field. And I'm not kidding about that.

Andy and I went into Get Bent Lounge the other night and Beck strolled in about Midnight. We got to talking about how the term Beck-worthy big was coined. And Andy remembered it exactly. About a year and a half ago we were at Get Bent Lounge and there was a gaggle of obscenely fat chicks in there and what happened is this - I decided that Beck really wanted to do one of them and I went up to this girl and said "I apologize for inconveniencing you Miss, but my friend is really shy and I would be remiss if I didn't mention how hot he thinks you are." She said "Are you bullshitting me?" And I said "Do I look like I'm bullshitting you?" She said "The fact that your friends are standing over there laughing their asses off does give me that impression." And I said "That's just nervous laughter." She said "Really?" I said "Yes, I swear he has a fattie fetish." Then she slapped me. Then I laughed and laughed. I really did.

Speaking of Beck, there used to be this girl who came into Get Bent Lounge who I called Bowling Ball. The first time I used the phrase Bowling Ball Andy said "Could you explain that?" I said "She's as tall as she is wide - just like a bowing ball." He spit his beer out. I ordered Bowling Ball a shot of tequila - anonymously. Andy said "Why tequila?" I said "Tequila makes her clothes fall off." He spit his beer out again. I haven't seen old Bowling Ball in well over a year now. The speculation is that she went back to New Jersey where she belongs. Beck does confess, in a moment of drunken weakness, that he still dreams of her from time to time. And I just say "Don't worry my friend, there are plenty more where she comes from. All we have to do is take a road trip to New Jersey, find the bar where the Duke graduates hang out, then simply wait." Beck seemed to take some solace in that.

I think we can begin to come to the conclusion that Barack Hussein Obama is - as old Denny Green would say - who we thought he was. As I've said before, the guy is making the biggest power grab since Emperor Palpatine did in those movies with that girl from Jerusalem. These latest proposals are so depressing, I can't even wrap my mind around them. The audacity of hope. The fucking audacity of hope. It's making me suicidal.

I was watching this thing last night on TV Guide channel and they were going on and on about some bachelor and how he did some ho wrong. And I have no idea if he did or not, but they showed the girl he dumped and the girl wanted he to give the high hard one to and I gotta say, they were both extremely mediocre looking and I thought "What could possibly be the difference between the two?"

You must be heaven sent - TBFH